Hi, Lynn,
I am very sorry you are in the situation and relationship that you are in. I was appalled that your husband would ever tell you that you owed him! It is rather unconscionable for him to say this, much less act on it. You are an amazing mom. You do SO MUCH. Please do not let your husband's verbal abuse manipulate you into doing everything. This is exactly what he is doing. Manipulating you by verbal abuse. You need counseling and if he refuses to go, then you should go alone. You need to make sure your self-esteem is intact, after being emotionally and verbally abused. Everyone deserves a break and if your husband cannot give you one on Saturdays, that is just sad. Please take care of yourself. You are a precious commodity to your children. They need you to be healthy, happy and energetic. You should do what needs to be done in order to keep yourself well. It seems to me that you are doing all the work. Your husband definitely needs to step in and pick up his slack. Good luck to you...
It sounds like you more than do your share. There was nothing in your statement that would lead me to believe you are a bad mom; quite the opposite. You make most of the money, pay all the bills, do all the housework, get the kids ready for school. What else is there? It sounds like the problem is with your husband's self esteem. Do not take his self-esteem problems on as your own. Try to speak with him about counseling for himself or better both of you. If he wont go, go yourself. It will help more than you can imagine. I will pray for you and your family. Good luck.
Pamela
Hello Lynn: I am not sure how I should respond I was so surprized by the selfishness of the man you are married to.
I have to tell you that I was with my husband 40 years before his death of cancer. He got angry because of the limits of his cancer but was aware that it was not my fault he had it! We have several children sometimes I have worked out side the home and always held full time job in the home. My sweet husband worked, went to school, ans waas in a church leadership position-- never once did he suggest I owed him more than a kiss for what I had to do. He and I shared as much as was possible the raising of our children. I would have been ashamed of him or of my sons if they even acted this way and I am not one not to say so to my children even as adults.
The point being they are both of your children and should be raised by the 2 of you. He is darn lucky that you have even bought into this harrassment for one minuet.
I have 2 sons that are married, work long and tough jobs- their wives work as well out of the home one in a very stressful job. They are both tired when they get home and want to just relax-- but I can tell you that they have great relationships with each other and the children because they work together on what the needs are. Recently I was at one son's home as anked my daughter in law how they each did things was there a set plan. I was told that they cook together or each take a night and have the kids under foot while they cook (he got the kids a toy kitchen and put itin the hall outside of the kitchen) or one plays with the baby and toddler and the other cooks. But my son insists on giving baths each night so that he has play time and they can splash with the best of them! Then they crash together in the front room once the children are asleep.
I have one grandchild that won't sleep unless daddy is holding her hand. This is all true nd I have not mentioned the other children I have. I will once again Thank My Sons and Sons in laws for being the great examples they are and how much effort they put into parenting their children. I can only say that you need to keep believeing in yourself--- you are carrying a full load and should not be made to feel like you aren't doing enough and SHAME on him for saying such things to the mother of his children. I have several friends that are deaf or going deaf, and as stressful as that is they are not taking their resentment for their situations out on the one person that can can support the family . In once case he won't be working again but staying home with the children. Make him understand that he needs a councilor to talk with so he doesn't destroy your relationship with his resentment that you hear and he does not. It is not your fault!! Nana G
Hi Lynn,
No, you are not a bad mom. You sound perfect to me. Every marriage is different, but you do not owe him for not working for a year. I do almost all the work at my house, even when I'm working (unemployed for a year now), except for the car and mowing the front lawn, because my husband is depressed/lazy (hard to tell!) and he's always been that way. When I got married, my father told me not to try to change a man, he would have to make those changes on his own. But it was hard for me, because my dad always (even in the fifties and sixties) did 50% of the housework, even though my mom didn't work until I was 14. And when I worked (55 hours a week) when he was unemployed, it was difficult to get him to cook dinner. However, he never said I owed him, and he always gave me time to myself. I really think that your husband needs to work on recovering from his disease, and get something done about his hearing if possible. You might try counseling, although in my experience, if he doesn't want to change, he won't. But you are not being a bad mom by staying in bed on the weekends. Is he being an inconsiderate and disappointing husband? Yes, but he probably won't ever see that... And if he doesn't see that you are actually a perfect wife, too, he's really having perception problems.
Ellen
My first reaction is wow. First let me say that I am just your average mom with basic education and my advice comes from my heart and the life I've lead. It sounds like you give everything and your husband gives an extream low amount. I have two womderful daughters (17 & 13) who are now beyond the age of needing me to do everything for them, but when they were young I did everything. My husband worked outside the house and I worked inside the house. That means I did everything your doing except working and I will tell you I have no idea how you can do it. It took everything I had just to get the kids taken care of and the household chores done. Your situation is way off balance and you need to think about that. A marriage is a partnership and where is your partner? Your question is are you a bad mom? Well it doesent sound like it to me. You need to ask yourself " are my kids doing without?" and I'm not talking about stuff I'm talking about being cared for and if the answer is yes then your a good mom.
NO!!!!!!!YOU ARE NOT< I REPEAT< NOT, A BAD MOM!!!!!!!
HI LYNN,
SORRY...This is the same thing I do EVERY saturday & Sunday mornings.....
I have always worked too, now he does make more than me BUT....I have been in charge of getting kids ready & EVERYTHING ELSE that pertains to our kids or our home.I love to watch a little HGTV in the mornings,or catch up on Bonnie Hunt show that I record..... I rarely get out of bed before 10am (even if I wake at 6am),or take a shower before then.....YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM!! In fact, I think just the opposite. You need to re-fuel. In order to be there for your kids & family you need to have a little down time for yourself. IF you don't, I think, you end up burnt out & not able to be a GOOD MOM to anyone, or a good person to yourself. You Do NOT "OWE" him anything....that is NOT what marriage is about. Marriage is give & take, and compromise.
When I don't have time to get something done for one of our kids (or grandson) he takes care of it for me...and he NEVER HOLDS IT OVER my head afterwards, that I OWE him because he did something for our kids or acted like a FATHER & DAD....Hello, you didn't have those children ALL by yourself, or DID YOU????LOL.....
Sorry, I don't mean to get so worked up about it but.....these are your children TOGETHER, you are a FAMILY!!
Plus, if you work full time,handle the kids,the house,the cleaning,the cooking,the laundry,getting everyone ready for work & school, pay the bills with your salary.......WHAT DOES HE DO??
Oh, he works at a job?? What 8 maybe 10 hours a day..... BIG DEAL!! We do twice that amount of work before noon on any given day....
This morning, even during summer break, I took a shower, made the coffee,fed the animals,made breakfast,woke up the kids,made the bed,got ready for work, made dinner,put together lunch for myself & husband,did a load of dishes.BEFORE 7AM.....Now I'm at work for another 10 hours....And this is just a small part of my day, how about you?
Well, now you know my opinion...LOL
I hope you can both sit down & talk about this, I understand these are your feelings and sometimes tend to be a little one sided but if you feel he is not pulling his weight & complaining that you OWE him,because you took time off work in your first year of marriage to have a baby?? that is no better than hitting you...it's just another form of abuse....Mental.....
If you can afford to, get some counseling....? Or maybe you just needed to vent a little (which is why I LOVE this site) sometimes we just need to get it out of our system & move on....Good LUck, My thoughts will be with you today...
LisaMarie
PS: I just read the "So what happened"....I am sorry, he has a medical problem BUT...it still does not give someone the right to abuse you & make you feel like less of a person. I understand your defense of him(as you should,he IS your husband)...like I thought, you just needed to vent some of your feelings.....that's a good thing, really. Hang in there maybe he is just taking his medical isssues out on you? Has he tried a hearing aid? Good LUck, really....I will be thinking of you
Dear Lynn,
You are not a bad mom. For heaven's sake...that's what days off and weekends are for...being a little lazy once in a while. I cherish the days I know the alarm clock won't be blaring and I don't have to hit the floor running. It never killed either one of my kids. (Or my husband when I was married).
As far as you owing your husband....Ummmmm, No.
That's not how it works.
I know my kids actually enjoy days when you don't have to run, run, run, rush, rush, rush.
It doesn't hurt a thing. You deserve and need a little "chill" time now and then. The world will not end. I promise.
Best wishes!
It seems like you are looking for a reality check here. Are you right to be PO'd? Yeah, I'd be mad too. I shared your post with my DH and he asked what was wrong with your husband.
Just guessing, but I'd say you two aren't talking much and that when you are there is a hostile undertone. I don't think you are a bad mom for taking a little time to yourself. Most of us should do a little more of that--we'd all be a little more sane.
But being in the middle of all this tension can't be good for your kids (or for you). It is possible that you are just in a rough patch and letting go of your anger will smooth things over, but that almost never really works. The resentment just goes underground and comes out over weird things.
Since it seems like you two aren't communicating on your own, counseling is the way to go. It also sounds like you could some one to set some ground rules on fighting fair. I don't know who started it, but two comments you report are dirty fighting--meant to hurt rather trying to communicate. Calling a bad mom, and you mentioning that you make more money than he does (about as hard for most men as telling a woman she's fat and ugly).
Every one sooner or later has some stuff to work out in their marriage. It isn't easy--this whole being married thing can really be a lot of work.
It sounds like your husband is putting you down to make himself feel more important. Sounds to me like you can do it all without him in the picture at all and he's feeling like less of a man about it and ripping you up. What a jerk. You are not a bad mom at all and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
You shouldn't give anything. You two need to share everything. sounds like he is feeling inferior to you.
Sometime us wife's need to do things that help make the man feel like a man. Men need to feel needed and superior its the way God made them. It's a good thing.
Let him know money doesn't matter as long as you have him around to protect and take care of you and the kids and perhaps point out some good qualities of his.
Just a suggestion. Best wishes with everything.
As far as a bad or good mother ask yourself, Are you teaching your children how to survive in the world? How to deal with everyday life? showing them unconditional love?
I know you have a lot of responses already, but here's my two cents.
You say your hubby has a disease that is causing hearing loss. Is this permanent? Was he acting like this before he became ill? It sounds to me like he is depressed. His ego may be bruised. His health is failing, his wife makes more money than he, and she is taking care of everything (bills, kids, house) quite well without his help. Depression can cause people to do weird stuff. Things that seem almost the opposite of what you'd expect. Blame is chief among these. I would suggest counselling. You don't say how old your kids are, but if they are school aged they should be included. Start with just yourself if he won't come along.
You say he tells you you are a bad wife and that it doesn't even matter anymore, but you don't want to be a bad mom. You are neither! Good moms ask for help when the need it. Good moms take a little time for themselves so that they are recharged to be good moms to their kids. You sound like a great mom. However, it is bad for your kids to be raised in this type of environment. Hearing their dad say mean/hurtful things to mom. Getting the idea that mom does everthing and doesn't deserve a morning to sleep in. Dads just go to work and come home, and yell all the time. This is not a good example for their future lives as moms/dads/husbands/wives.
Just waiting for things to get better won't work. You have to actively seek to make things better. For you and your kids. And your hubby too for that matter. This is not good for him either. If you go to church, ask your pastor if he/she or another person on staff provides counselling. If not, can they recommend someone? If that fails, come back here and post a request for family/marriage counsellor recommendations in your area. This situation needs to change.
BTW, my girls are away at camp this week. I didn't get up until 9:30 and it's now 10:45 and I still haven't bothered to take a shower! :o)
So coming back in to add something to my original response. Here is a link to some great resources to get you started on a new way of thinking about your marriage and your hubby. If he won't go to counselling, maybe he'll be willing to listen to some of these great CDs. Everything is available for free as MP3 downloads, or quite cheap if you need CD's mailed to you. I would suggest Cracks in the Plaster and The Power of Family as firt steps. Honestly, I think they should be required hearing for all married couples. :o) Check it out, you won't be sorry! http://ctw.coastlands.org/store/home.php?cat=252
Ok, adding again! I just looked at your previous posts. Oh my goodness! Your hubby needs a serious wake-up call and frankly so do you. Is he still hitting you? Ever? Does he hit the kids? You deserve sooooooo much more than this emotional and physical abuse. There is help for you. There is no need to be isolated and taken advantage of. Go to www.standagainstdv.org and click on 'get help'. Or call them at 1-888-215-5555. They are local to you in Contra Costa county and can really offer you some solid assistance. The idea that you don't go to the hospital when he injures you because you 'don't want him to get in trouble' is outrageous. He is trouble! He can't get the help he needs unless you tell someone. He will NEVER do it on his own. It will NEVER get better if you stay the way you are. Get help, for you, your kids, and your hubby. Sometimes when we really love someone we need to overcome our fears and do what's right for them and ourselves. What is right for your hubby is to be forced to get help. A visit from the police may be the only way he will ever get it. Your kids will be seriously damaged if they live in a house with emotional and physical abuse. Take courage and make that call. I'll be praying for your continued safety.
Dear Lynn. Perhaps you are from another country and are used to men being abusive to women, but you're in the U.S. now and this kind of abuse is not acceptable here. I personally believe it should not be acceptable anywhere. I think you need a new perspective given by someone who cares about your well being and can help you with
establishing boundaries with your spouse as well as improving your self esteem. So please find a women's group somewhere and get the name of a qualified counselor. You go first, then if your husband wants counseling, fine. But YOU are the important one here. Without you - no family. God bless and take care of you first, please.
Wow - my first reaction to this post was anger. This marriage is clearly not a partnership, and it should be. You could clearly survive without him, and he is obviously abusive. Has he always acted like this (i.e. before hearing loss). Saying that you still owe him is just ridiculous - sounds like he is feeling very insecure/inferior. I hope the advice posted by this community will give you strength to BE a great mom and do what's best for your kids - and the answer may not be to stay with your husband! Good luck.
Lynn, you poor thing, you are an outstanding wife, and he is not worthy. Marriage is a team, and he is clearly not a team player. Just because you like to relax on weekends does not make you a bad mommy. I advise you to get into Marriage couciling, as you need some professional guidence.
He needs to step up or step out. At the end of the day, what is he good for? You do everything it sounds, and he has the nerve to complain?
Best of luck and biggest hugs,
Mindy
Hi!
It sounds like you're doing everything you can for your kids and family! I can answer part of your question, but I don't think it's really about money... and wanting to stay in bed and sleep in a little one morning a week DOES not make you a bad mom!!!! Friend of mine is a single mom and she just turns the TV to kid appropriate shows Sat. mornings and lets her kids get themselves some milk and a snack and then they crawl back in bed for awhile... and she often sleeps a little more while they're watching a show or two. You have to do what you need for yourself! It doesn't make you a bad mom!!! If you're questioning what you should give financially, there's a great book called "All Your Worth" and one of the things it talks about is balancing your money... it talks about when one spouse makes more... and one suggestion is that both spouses follow their 50% to needs, 20% to savings/debt and 30% to wants and tells how to categorize items into one of the three categories. But it really seems like the real issue is the resentment between the two of you... and you need to have some talks with your man to get to the bottom of it... good luck and believe in yourself!
Lynn, You are not a bad mom and it doesn't sound like you are a bad wife either. You are doing everything and should not feel guilty about watching TV on Sat. mornings and not getting right out to work in the garden or garage...what is he doing to help you??
If he has a hearing loss and is yelling to be heard, maybe he could get some help and a hearing aide? My question is why is he not helping you and then telling you are a bad wife and mom.
Don't feel guilty about taking some time for yourself, we all need that.
Good luck.
I think you deserve some help! What does your husband do on the weekends? Its a 50 50 thing. I am blessed to have a man that helps me out and even asks me what he wants me to do. I have fibromylgia/chronic fatique and he is very understanding. He does get breakfast lunch and dinner too! What would happen if you asked your husband for help and let him know and show him how much you do. I dont think you are a bad Mom or a bad wife. You are great! More power to you for all you do. Your husband needs to wake up smell the coffee and get on the ball and lend you a hand.
HI Lynn,
All else aside it is concerning that he says your a bad wife way to much, and you say you hear it so much his opinion doesn't matter. !!!RED WARNING LIGHTS!!!!! You guys are on a very, very, dangerous road.
Your children need the stability of a set of parents who respect and love eachother and will stay together. You should start working on your relationship right away. There is no time to loose. Can I suggest a couple of books?
For HIM TO READ: "If Only He Knew,What No Woman Can Resist"- by Gary Smalley. The contents cover such things as "how to drive away your wife without even trying", "If you wife doesnt win first place, you lose" "your wife needs your shoulder not your mouth" ,"so you want a perfect wife" "watch out, it can happen to you" and more.
Also as a couple ,read "His Needs/Her Needs" by Harley. It covers "how affair proof is your marriage, really?","from incompatible to irresistable," and a whole selection of chapters on the needs of the male and the female.
To round things out you should read: Sacred Influence, What a Man Needs From his Wife to be the Husband She wants" by Gary Thomas. It covers such things as "becoming strong enough to address your husbands functional fixness, How weakness in others can make us grow, understanding a man's deepest thirst, how you can learn to appreciate an imperfect man, embracing the high call of marriage," and more.
I really do think these book will get you both thinking in the right direction. Make sure he sees YOU reading a self betterment book at the same time, so he feels like you are trying as well and will be more likely to read his.
Another book that is equally great is called LOVE AND RESPECT.
Don't wait until it's too late. I did, and I was almost divorced. Thankfully, my husband was not having an affair, or I probably would have lost him forever. It is almost impossible to pull a spouse back from an affair. Dont let it get to that point!
In my opinion at the time, my husband was the one that was the problem in the relationship and who needed to change - At the time I could have cared less what he thought or what he did- I was so resentful at him.I figured he'd eventually figue it out and change if I gave him the cold shoulder long enough. But HE was the one who decided he was going to divorce ME!!! When he said he wanted out becauae he felt trapped and didn't love me anymore- woah, a big crushing wakup call. I NEVER, EVER, thought he would even think of divorcing me. I was a good catch!
So please, try to fix this now, before it's too late.Do it for Your children. Do it for yourself. Your marriage can be better than ever. I am living proof.
****update: lynn, I just read your previous posts where you said he had beaten you in the head and face. In this instance, I cannot reccommend trying to fix the marriage. HE NEEDS SERIOUS HELP. I recommend you find a divorce lawyer.
No, you aren't a bad Mom! If he keeps saying you're a bad wife, maybe it's time for professional help?
You sound like a good wife to me...you deserve to sleep in on the weekends!