Hi, I've never been here before. I have question; I make quite more money than my husband. I do all the chores, cleaning and I pay for all most everything. i wake up with the children, get them ready for school and make them breakfast. After work I go shopping for groceries, get home, make dinner clean up, bathe the kids and get them to bed. He says that I owe him because the first year of our life I didn't work at all. (Well I was pregnant) I worked through almost the whole term of the second child. Now herein's the problem; on the weekend, I like to stay at home and watch television in the mornings. I don't get right up and work in the garden or clean the garage. I stay in my comfy bed and (oh gosh, don't tell) some times don't even take a shower untill 10:00 Am I a bad Mom? frankly, I've heard that I'm a bad wife quite enough and it doesn't even matter. But I don't want to be a bad mom.
I would put his lazy ass out, RIGHT NOW, if I were you. What do you need him for? Sounds like he doesn't do anything but make babies and live off your hard work. You know that's the definition of a pimp, don't you?
And he says YOU owe HIM??? That's ridiculous. You need to quit your job and tell him to pay the bills, or tell him he's gonna do the housework and childcare and gardening and cleaning the garage, and you will work and pay the bills. Sounds like he thinks he's in Afghanistan, or someplace like that.
TV mornings definitely do not make you a bad mom. Sometimes the best way for us to parent is to take care of ourselves first. Having time to yourself and indulging a little (staying in bed is rather small potatoes) can make you feel more relaxed, and therefore better with the kids. So I say go for it!
But the bigger issue is the lack of unity with your husband. Being out-of-sync with your partner CAN effect your relationship with your kids -- don't let yourself believe that they don't feel every ounce of tension or trouble. That being said, I don't think there is room for "you owe me" in a true partnership. It sounds like time to sit down after the kids are in bed and talk reality. If the main message in your house is that you are a bad wife, and now a bad mother, it's time to turn your attention to getting that relationship on track. In my world, a partnership doesn't necessarily mean 50-50. Keeping score is not fair, because we each contribute differently. I do the vast majority of the chores, while my husband works very hard to provide. But he values me and what I do, and tells me often.
I agree 100% with Kate B.
lynn, i went and looked at your past requests and i have to say your husband is a complete and total ass. you need to kick his butt to the curb as quick as possible. any man that hits a woman and causes her to lose her hearing in one ear should be taken out and flayed. he is playing you, trying to make you feel as bad about yourself as he feels about himself and the only way he can make himself feel like a man is to beat you down. you are better than that and you deserve better than that. it sounds as if you are perfectly able to support yourself and your children, YOU DONT NEED HIM. HE IS BAD NEWS. what will your children do if he beats you to death? put yourself and your children first and call a battered womens shelter and find out how to protect yourself and your children from this jerk. as far as not calling the police because you dont want to get him in trouble..if he cant do the time he shouldnt do the crime..and it is a crime to beat someone else that severely. get a restraining order and put him out NOW. what kind of an example are you setting for your children? that its okay for a man to belittle and beat a woman? please wake up and do whats right.. protect yourself physically and mentally from this man. how does he treat the children? does he belittle and beat you in front of them? it will be the hardest but best thing you have ever done if you get out now before it all ends in trajedy. please dont let this man take your life from you and your children.
Hi Lynn, DID YOU PICK THE WRONG CATEGORY???
NO it doesn't sound like you are a bad mom. Do you think your husband is a bad dad?
You know what, you've been there longer then you think and you are in more trouble then you know.
You sound like you do everything and would like a break on your days off (which you DESERVE.
Don't put too much emphasis on who earns the most $$$, it is usually the man who feels like he doesn't need to do much around the house if he earns the most $$$, or he feels less of a man if he doesn't earn the most $$$.
You mentioned children, so do you have twins + another child? How many years have you been together?
If you BOTH are interested in your marriage and keeping your family together, better STOP counting WHO did WHAT and WHO owes WHOM?
Sit down and divide up the responsibilities and both of you need to pay attention to each other's needs and the needs of your children, as equally as possible.
What do I think? Doesn't matter. Do you still love your husband and does he still love you? Do both of you want to maintain your family and have a happy marriage? If so take another look at the paragraph above.
As for the weekend bathing ritual….maybe the two of you should shower together.
Blessings……
Lynn,
First, you are not a bad mom!!! It sounds like you are trying to provide for everyone and be superwoman~ With that said,.....
I read your other requests and am VERY concerned for you and your children. The person you are describing is controlling, belittles you and abusive. You need to get out of your relationship asap. Your children deserve a dad who values his wife and all that she is and does, not one who makes you feel bad and abuses you. It is only a matter of time before he hurts the children if he hasn't already. I hope that you can find the strength and courage to make that call today to a women's shelter and make a plan to get out. Do it for your children if you can't do it for yourself yet-- they deserve better!!What you do or don't do will impact them forever. Batterers don't get better without professional help--- you have to break the cycle of abuse before he kills you or hurts your children. Please let us know what happens. Protect your children at all costs.
Take care,
Molly
At the risk of sounding insensitive, I have to say I don't know why you are married to this man?!? But this post and your previous ones tell me that you have little to no confidence to know that you are a well-managing single parent already.
Please get help immediately, for your safety and that of your family!!!
Sending you P&PTs
Irrespective of who makes more money (non-issue in my mine), you do a whole hell of a lot.
To be a great mom and WIFE, you need to take a little time to yourself. If you need a little down time on Sat. mornings, take it. You could take the weekend off and hand the helm over to dad.
BTW, if he brings up that you didn't work the 1st year, you were. He wasn't carrying around the love child. Toss in that he needs to pay in advance for all the services you are going to have to provide once he's too old to care for himself. That happens pretty early for guys, doesn't it? Afterall, 't men peek in their 20s. Right?
Seriously, if you two keep tabs on how much and how often, you're both going to miss the now. Work together. OR take my approach, stop doing it all and let the cards fall where they may. Sometimes the best learned lessons are ones learned through experience.
Stephanie
you need to take time for your self .it gives you a renewal of self and the you give more of your self. but you should really talk to your husband because it takes two to do all there is to do for childeren and family. so you will find your self resenting doing it all and this can lead to problems.you are a good mom .now that you are both working again you need to share in household duties it make you a team good luck sigrid
Wow, you mean, you like to take some time to yourself in the mornings?!??!? Of course you should!!! Sounds like you work hard and you deserve it. It bothers me that your husband says you owe him for not working that first year. Are you kidding me! I stay at home with my 2 boys (for almost 4yrs now). If my husband ever said I owed him, or thought my life was easy, he would be crazy. He obviously has some sort of issue with you being home in the past. Sorry, that would make me very angry.
Anyway, I dont think you are in the wrong at all. Take the time for yourself when you can. Thats how we stay sane. Gotta get it when you can!!! Good luck girl!
Hi Lynn,
No, you are not a bad mom. You are a mom in need of some rest and there is nothing wrong with doing that on a Saturday morning. I don't want to get into husband bashing, but he really has to get past the whole first year thing. That sounds like it has come and gone a long time ago and now he needs to mature some and start helping you. You need to have serious conversation about this before you burn out. God bless.
I think you are an amazing woman who is married to an emotionally abusive man. Either he gets over himself and gets some help, or leave his butt. You are already doing all the work of a single parent--why on earth would you continue to support another child??
Well, I'm trying to think of a way to be nice. It seems your husband is either resentful about something or just not a nice man. In our time (the 21st century) you should not be doing everything. Even my husband who was raised by a mother who did most everything in the home and worked also helps quite a bit around the house.
I was a working mom, until it became too much for me. Now I'm a stay at home mom. When I was working, I took the "morning shift." Wake up, feed, get dressed, etc. He took the evening--when he came home from work, he helped keep our son occupied while I was making dinner, then did bathtime and bedtime.
I do the shopping, and I do most of the housework which I hate, so I hired someone to come in once a week to help. Even after I quit, he has supported me in helping to keep my cleaning lady every other week.
Financially, we are stretched very thin, but he sees how much less stressed I am. When I've had it, he notices and helps with things like putting dishes in the dishwasher and helping with laundry. We take turns with yardwork. Our home will never be in Better Homes and Gardens, but we are comfortable.
I don't feel like I'm doing EVERYTHING--neither should you.
BTW, Before children, my husband put me through 6 years of college. He has never said anything about it.
You are not a bad wife or mother. You sound as if you are just stretched to thin. Your husband should be helping you more. And if you haven't already hired someone to help, if you can, do it.
You are not a bad mom. You do way more than most moms or wives do. Your husband is wrong to critisize you at all. It sounds to me like you are an incredible woman. So sleep in and lounge around on weekends. Alot of moms dont even get up before 10 am. You are not a bad mom.
First of all, it DOES matter if your husband is telling you you are a bad wife. It sounds like his selfishness is going to cause you to burn out. Does he do ANYTHING to help with the family? If he doesn't, that is not OK - you 2 are supposed to be a team when it comes to your marriage & family...teams have to work together - not rely on just one person. You don't owe him for the first year...that is crap & he is using it as a bullying mechanism to get his way.
Second of all, you are not a bad mom to actually take time for yourself. If you want to continue to be a great mom, you have to take time for yourself - to do whatever you need to rejuvinate. Here is my question - is your husband complaining about your weekend activities? If he isn't, then rest assured you needn't feel guilty. Even if he is, don't feel guilty or anything - he needs to get over himself & be the husband you deserve.
If this is really weighing on your mind & heart, I encourage you to seek a counselor. A counselor can help you sort out things & help you gain the tools necessary to deal with standing up for yourself & being assertive with your husband. He needs to respect you.
Good luck - you are in my prayers!
Sounds like your husband is feeling bad about himself because you are the higher earner and do much more than he. Does he really say you"owe" him? What is there about owing in a marriage partnership?
Sounds like you two need some marriage counseling quickly to heal a lot of bad feelings and get yourselves back where you want to be.
Good luck if you want to save your marriage. How old are the children? I hope they are not being hurt by the obvious bad feelings and conflict and criticism you are hearing and maybe they are hearing too.
Best of luck to you!! Nancy
you are a good mom who provides for her children. you sound like youre repeating my life, thats exactly my routine. YOU DONT OWE YOUR HUSBAND ANYTHING!!! marriage isnt about owing, or who is better than who. your husband should just know that he should be doing more regardless of anything, its for your children. once children are brought into this world, its no longer about the parent. its common sense. have a good life, love & laugh about everything!..... love your children good mom!
It sounds to me like you and your husband could use some counseling. If he is saying things like "you owe me for such and such" he's missing the big picture of being married and having a family. He needs to help you out and comments like that are considered verbal abuse (and you eluded to other verbal abuse as well). That kind of thing is not okay. You are not a bad mom for wanted to take a break!
Holy moly Lynn - you sound like a SUPER mom and it sounds like the problem is your husband. Your only fault would be letting him get away with not respecting you.