You definitely do have a problem. If your husband is calling you a "bad wife", either something else is seriously wrong in your marriage that doesn't have to do with the kids or financing, or he has some serious issues (depression maybe?). Or was this his personality before you married him and had kids??? If it's not his "normal" personality, then read up and/or talk to a doctor about depression. Marriage counseling is not going to help much if untreated depression is a factor. If this is his normal personality, then I'm very sorry for you. Marriage counseling may help, but he would have to be willing to work at changing (rather than continue to blame you.) That doesn't sound likely to me. You'd have to take a long hard look at your life, and if you are happy, and what's best for you and the kids... Good luck!
I feel very sad for you if your husband is telling you that you owe him for that first year, or even after! Marriage is not supposed to be about money, but we are in modern times. It should be fair. It seems to me that you are doing a lot & then some! If he is really counting that first year, then you should calculate how much more you make than he does. You should also calculate the cost of everything you do - taking care of the kids, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. If he or anyone else is telling you that you are a bad wife, then it sounds almost abusive to me if you've had enough of it. Sorry, but this is upsetting.
I'm curious about how long you've been with this guy. Reading all your past info, I see you have a grown daughter and grandchildren, as well as small children of your own. Is this hubby the father of the grown daughter as well as the others? If so, you've been putting up with his abuse far, far too long!! Actually, you've been putting up with it too long if you've only been with him for a year or two.
I totally agree that you need to seek some professional help with this situation before you and your children all regret it. In one instance I notice that you said you couldn't go to the Dr. after abuse by your husband because you didn't want to get him into trouble. Well, he should be in trouble if he's abusing you!! I can't say this too strongly. I have to tell you, I'm feeling almost guilty because of something I learned on a recent trip to visit relatives. I had an uncle who was a lot like what your husband sounds like. For years we in the family wrung our hands wondering what to do about his abuse of his wife and kids. His wife died several years ago and he followed her in death 4 days later. What I learned a few weeks ago was that he basically starved her to death. He was a very controlling man and her son walked into the house one day to overhear her begging him to let her eat and he was cursing her and telling her she'd eat only when he said she could. The son began trying to be sure his mother got food to eat, but failed to take her out of the home and challenge his father to do anything about it. I think all of us in the family failed my aunt, and if I can convince you to get the help you need and get away from this abuse I will feel that my lesson is well learned.
I normally am for keeping a marriage and family together, but in your case I think you need to get you and your kids totally away from him at least until you can be sure he's gotten some help and is a changed man.
TELL THAT MAN THAT ALTHOUGH YOU DO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE HOUSE, HE IS NOT ONE OF THEM!!! Lordy!!! Does he think you're HIS mother too? Split the bills 50/50 and don't allow him to benefit from one red cent of what income you make above his, until he is willing to split the workload 50/50!!! That will teach him!
I was actually in the same situation myself (carrying ALL the work and being the dominent income) although my loved one never called me a bad wife or mother for wanting to relax on weekends. Rather, he criticized me as being a "home-body" "anti-social" etc., because come the weekend my first priority wasn't to make the neighborhood bbq, but rather to rest and rejuvinate for the coming week - and also to get the housework, grocery shopping, laundry, and other prep work done so that the following work week would roll as smoothly as possible.
What has helped for us is that my loved one has been laid off 3 times in this current recession. Each time he was home for up to 6 months, and each time I worked with him to get him to learn how to be domestic. He is currently laid off again and this time the kiddies are no longer in full time daycare (believe it or not, he was so spoiled that in his previous layoffs he didn't even spare our family the expense of full time daycare and take the initiative to watch his own kids!), and this time he is also learning how to cook the family's evening meal, including setting the table and clearing the kitchen afterwards. He has been "trained" to spend the first 2-3 hours of his day doing the routine pick up and cleaning that needs to be done each day. When he does go back to work he is in construction trades so normally he gets home at 3:30 pm and I'm not home until 6:30 pm - so I look forward to how him learning how to cook during this layoff period is going to benefit us in the long term when I will no longer have to rush home, pick up kids from daycare just as the doors are closing at 6pm, come in the door at 6:30 p.m., and immediately start cooking dinner for a man who has been sitting on his duff doing nothing for 3 hours!!!
Cut his purse strings, and insist that if he wants to share the financial benefits of his relationship with you, he needs to also share in the responsibilities for the care of your children, family, and home!!! If he doesn't respond like you'd like him to, then use the tiem where you are completely in charge of your own money to start saving and getting accustomed to the lifestyle your income will provide for you when you leave him... start getting a picture for yourself of what your life would be like... and go!!!
I'm sorry for this but your husband is a jerk! He should be helping out with the cleaning, the kids and everything else. Are you superwoman? You need some ME time and it doesn't make you a bad wife or mother. Your husband should be chipping in at least with half of everything.
My thought is time for marriage counseling...
Hello Lynn,
I would have to agree with most of the ladies who have already commented. You need to talk it over with your husband and somehow make him understand that you are already doing more than your fair share and that you need to have some down time. It's so rare that we as mothers ever really get that much time to ourselves and it's so nessesary to get that time. You are doing a great job but need to talk to him about this.
Good Luck!
My gosh youre not a bad mom. I am in a similar situation, for 20 years now. I wished I had seen the big picture earlier on in my life. You need to have some ME time. Some men are in the me, myself and I mode so much it is disgusting. The little pleasures you want are nothing, he should be happy that you don't want to go out and party down with the girls. Hang in there.....SF
sounds to me like you're doing a great job and above and beyond. it's your husband who seems to have the problem. make a list of what you did when you weren't working (i.e. cooking, cleaning, managing the home, shopping, etc.) and give him a bill for fair market value of the services. i'll bet he pitches in real soon or shuts up about it. if he doesn't then, split the expenses. you're suppose to be partners, right! you deserve to take care of you too. if momma ain't happy, nobody's happy. take care of you. : )
nancy
You owe him? Wow that is crazy! Sounds to me like you do it all. I don't think anyone would think you are a bad mom. Maybe if he would pitch in a little during the week you wouldn't be so exausted and he would get some time with his wife. If I could stay in bed until 10 I would too! Don't feel bad at all. You deserve some time to yourself and to relax! Take care!
You sound like a fantastic Mom!!! You are doing plenty.
Don't let him make you feel guilty it sounds like you are balancing everything pretty much on your own and doing a great job at it too. Hang in there Super mom & be strong!
It sounds like your husband is just burned up about you making more money than him. You are probably a great mom and wife but he wants you to feel bad so he feels better about making less money than you do. Everyone needs a little time for themselves so you shouldn't feel bad about watching TV on the weekends. You don't owe him anything. Sure, you didn't work for the first year but you were busy making a person! You are not his servant and he shouldn't make you feel like one. You are a very important part of a team and he needs to pick up his part of the load. I hope you stop feeling guilty about taking a little time for yourself because it sounds like you work very hard.
Hi,
Sounds like you have three children - one very spoiled and perhaps jealous of your attention to the (actual) children. I would seriously consider marriage counseling and soon..you deserve some free time at least some time that you are not IT......
You are totally not a bad Mom! I would tell your husband he needs to start pulling his weight around there.....that is ridiculous. If I were u, and I could afford it, I would hire a house cleaner, and start doing less, and use that time to spend with your kids! You are not a bad wife either, he is lucky that you are putting up with his behavior! I hope that things work out for you, maybe you guys could go to counseling together or something that might help the issue. Maybe there are some other underlying issues that are causing his behavior.
Lynn:
Before I could respond to you, I really had to sit back and read your request over and over. I cannot believe your husband would be so ridiculous and unfair to you to even state that anyone in his life "owes" him. People only owe one another when they both have agreed to allow one to borrow. If the other person doesn't know what is going on - there was never anything agreed to be borrowed thus no one owes anyone anything.
Relationships are not borrowing of another's life. It is sharing and growing together. There NEVER is a time that a husband/wife owes one another. As your husband appears to not understand the meaning - I suggest you talk with your family about whether there is a reason you should continue to be with this utmost jerk and get out now! It appears you have done way more than he ever will or could do with your children and you deserve so very much more than to be told you are a bad wife.
Do not even for one minute believe that you are bad. He is and to tell you so is disgusting and unfair to you. Never be downgraded by anyone that says "they love you". That is not love - his vows appear to have meant nothing to him either. Find friends you can talk to, listen to the moms here but I do hope you leave this person asap because he will just bring you down and you deserve and should not be in this situation!!!
Tammy, a concerned mother
I don't think you are asking too much AT ALL!! Parenting is supposed to be a joint effort and it sounds like you are the one putting in all the effort with little input from him. Really, I don't think it matters who makes the most money at their job, although as a man that might be a sore spot for him that you make more than he does. At any rate, I think he should not expect you to do everything and he should WANT to spend some time with his kids!
Marriage is a two way street. Sometimes you may give more, sometimes he may give more.. Sometimes you will both give the same but you should never OWE your husband! And he shouldn't even keep track.. I am sorry but your husband needs to be reminded of that. Mom's are always made to feel bad, if you wanna sleep in.. Then sleep in!! You deserve it! Hope things work out, don't let him get you down.
Toni
it sounds like you may be in an emotionally abusive situation, and you should get therapy asap- this is not normal and sets a VERY bad example to your children. so if you don't do it for yourself, please do it for your children. Good luck.
I was in your position three years ago and guess where it got me? A shockingly unexpected premature heart attack. By all means, take ALL the time you need to relax on those weekend mornings and don't feel the slightest bit guilty -- your body is telling you it needs that. Give it what it needs or it will fail you, and then you won't be able to be there for your kids at all.
I also strongly recommend counseling. If he won't go with you, go alone. Someone that can help you look out for you is critical, and you'll learn some coping techniques that will help with the stress. Good luck!
I remember getting up from a nap and going downstairs to see my mom eating a sandwich and chips and watching soaps and looking relaxed. It's so funny I remember that! I wished she looked like she was enjoying her time more often.
You sounds like a very hard working mom!
Hold the phone. . . you work, make more money than he does, pay for almost everything, do all the chores, take care of the children. Tell me again what he does?
First, establish a household account where you both contribute money to cover household expenses equally. Second, you need to establish some guidelines on who's doing what. It would be different if you weren't working outside the home, then you could pick up more of the work at home. But since you're both working and they are both your children, you need to insist that he help at home. It's his home and family, too. You didn't do this by yourself.
If he's coming to terms with his disease, then cut him some slack, but it sounds as if he had no understanding of how a relationship should work even before that.
Good luck!