It sounds like he feels he has an argument to call you a bad mother because it appears as if you have little time for the kids. Sorry, but he is an ASS! He should share responsibility so you BOTH have time with the children, for yourselves and for each other. He needs to step up and help you out. Meanwhile, try your best to spend one on one quality time with the kids at every stolen moment you have. Try to create a chore schedule and have you kids help during dinner time to create more quality time. Mom, you sound to me like you are doing a great job, and are just lacking your spouse's support. He needs to step up!
I don't think you are a bad Mom at all. I am wondering what makes your husband think that you "owe him". You don't owe him anything. Not only did you carry and give birth to the children (ha ha) you are a partnership; you don't "owe" the other. You don't sound bad to me at all; it sounds like it's the OPPOSITE.
sounds like you think there is a significant problem with the lack of balance in your relationship. this does not make you a bad wife or a bad mother, but can you explain why you are continuing to suffer when, frankly, you've heard you're a bad wife enough? if you are raising the children in a relationship where you and your husband are bitter business partners then they are going to use this pattern for their own relationships-right or wrong. is this what you want for them?
not trying to be harsh, or judegmental. goodness knows my own relationship needs work. just trying to give you pause to think.
Dear Lynn,
Man, if it is really that off balance, I don't get it. Just as an outside opinion, I think that if both people work full time then, the chores should be divided up and shared. I have a 13 year old daughter who has finally shown signs of understanding that if Mommy and Daddy work, then we ALL have to pitch in to get the stuff done around the house. And men seem to fall too easily into what they think of as "their role" and that's it for them. So, I know it is one of the hardest parts of marriage, but it sounds to me like the Super Nanny would draw a big chart on the wall of what all needs to be done and then, all the adults in the household should pitch in equally with what they are good at or can stand to do. That's just my opinion... but I hope it helps!!
Wow, Lynn! Obviously every marriage is different and the key is finding a balance where BOTH parties feel like the work load is fair and equitable. But if you're asking about how your efforts compare to my own, I'll just say that you're definitely carrying more than what I do in my own marriage, and I've never been called a slacker! Best of luck in finding a way to discuss this with your husband.
Okay, okay, okay. First of all, you know you're a fantastic wife in regards to all that you do, right? Second of all, from what you've written you don't seem to do anything that says to me you would even remotely be a bad mom. Third of all, what in the heck does your husband even do since it seems you do it all? Okay so let's say we go with his reasoning (as dumb as it sounds) then after one year, which it sounds like you've already passed, you've re-paid your "debt" since you oh-please stayed home the first year. Tell him you're "even" and to pitch in......NOW. I was tired just reading all you do. What make a mom a bad mom is someone who neglects her children or puts them in harms way. Do you do this? If the answer is no, then rest assured and take your rest that you so deserve. And I hope that your relationship is not an abusive one. If so, there is help out there for you. I wish you the best of luck!
Hi Lynn!
Gosh, if you are a bad mom for wanting to sleep in on the weekend then someone has to put me away!! It truly amazes me what we women are capable of juggling - its just amazing. I worked for the first three years of our marriage while my husband finished up law school and studied for the bar - now he works while I take care of our two children (under the age of two) I started my own accounting office about six months ago. There are weekends where I dont get out of bed until 11:00!!!!! My husband takes the kids and feeds them, plays with them, does everything and not once says that I need to get out of bed to do other things! You NEVER have to think that you are a bad mom!!! You sound like you are an amazing woman managing a whole household and you DESERVE your time!!!!!!
Sweetie, of course not. I'm very sorry but it sounds like your husband needs a smack in the head. If you are both working, you should both be sharing the chores. Women always do much more of the work than men, but this sounds seriously out of balance. No, you are not a bad mom. 10am is no big deal. Take care of yourself and don't feel guilty for taking time for yourself.
Take care, Chris
Honestly Lynn, it sounds like your husband needs a serious kick in the butt! I don't know him or anything, but he is definitely NOT doing his share. You need to have a long talk with him (non-confrontational) about your feelings and try to work out a more equal partnership. He should be supporting you, not tearing you down. Believe me, I understand what it is like to have a husband tell you you're not good enough. My first husband was great at that! You are not a bad mom at all because you want some down time. We all need it. Keep your head up! XOXO
Hi, you are not a bad mom first of all. I don't know if this is a good way to deal with your hubby because I've never tried it but there are studies that show how much a wife is worth. Maybe you can add up your worth from the first pregnancy based on what chores you did versus how much he earned and include any tax benefits he got from being married and then do the same for the second pregnancy and for the current situation. Then you can see who owes who. C
Lynn,
I can completely relate to you and your story.. Almost exactly word for word. YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM! Maybe next time he says something you can respond with "well if I am a bad mom on the weekends then YOU are a bad father ALL week!
Unfortunately, my husband and I separated before we both realized that things needed to change. (6weeks later) We decided to stay in the marriage and work through things.. I am not saying to separate; it was the hardest thing for my daughter and I; however things have been great since. I work and he stays with her for the summer (our business slowed ). He cleans the house and does laundry, well he tries and I learned to complement his actions and he will continue to try.
I walk in and say "wow babe the house looks great! There are always going to be "my way" to clean the house but I am just satisfied with the help. We work together, he cleans the bathtub and I give her a bath. If he wants dinner he has things picked out and on the counter and sometimes we cook together.. We share the dishes and other things.. We talk about the things that I am ok with cleaning and things that he agrees to clean. On the weekends there are times I need to sleep in and there are times he needs the sleep. We work together and agree. The problem with most situations is that neither wants to do it all, but one has conditioned the other. You have to break that cycle, ask for his help.. Give the kids a bath and yell for him to bring the towels. Me and my husband have an ongoing joke with the towels.. We always make the other bring a towel when showering and one time he brought me a wash cloth so I made him dry me with it.. make it FUN!
If he wants to be able to use the lock on our bedroom door at night he better let me get my beauty sleep and help out (hint hint). Marriage is a partnership not a slave driven contract! TALK that is the only way you are going to work through this. Don't make it about money or who stayed home first or who owes who.. make it about you and him! Oh one more thing you can try.. STOP doing everything for 2-3 days and watch how things will suddenly change.. I know that is hard for most people but try it.
Good luck and God Bless!
You are very strong and you don't even know it! how can you keep on doing it all? I mean physically, it's hard work! I know you are driven by the love for your family, but you need to leave some room for him to pitch in and help! leave some things undone and ask for his help in a nice way. You are truly amazing, you don't seem to be a bad mom, and why do you pay for most everything? It just doesn't sound fair. I'm curious as to what does your husband does while you are so busy? I can relate to you (working, grocery shopping, all the cleaning, cooking,) but I used to work less hours, my husband lost his job a couple of months ago and now he's been helping everyday with dishes, putting kids to bed at night, laundry, clean garage etc... Be wise, create the physical and emotional rest you deserve. Have your say, talk with him and be proud of all you do. Feel free to get in touch. God bless.
Hi Lynn. I usually don't write responses because my time is limited on the computer. I have a two month old baby and I log on to get info on this great site. Anyway, I have to comment after reading yours.
YOU ARE a GREAT MOM!!!! I don't do half of what you do. And when I was pregnant I didn't do much at all. I did not clean or cook. My husband did it all. Even though you did not work, you and your body went through a lot because of the pregnancy. Don't let your husband tell you otherwise. If you believe him than you need to examine what would happen if you were gone for just one day. Your home will be a complete diaster because you are the glue holding it together. I'm sorry but your husband needs to wake up and appreciate what a loving wife and mother you are!!!! Good luck!!!!
OMG you don't OWE that guy ANYTHING!!!!!!!!you have given him a beautiful wife, an organized home,two beautiful children, and no financial worries!!!! i'm sorry but he is really being a jerk! he should be helping you 50/50!!!(it never is!) you are not a bad wife and CERTAINLY NOT a bad mother! i hope you have some really good friends and i hope you know how to be good to yourself because he sure isn't doing it!!! you are giving plenty and he is taking taking taking...NOT OK!!!
I would pray on this. I do not offer pray right off the bat as my first response but if you disect this, of course you are the giver and deserve down time. Here is the thing. You have children. Ideally, you can draw out more from him with kindness and calm dialogue, not to make you a carpet mat or to be overly controlled, under appreciated..but to teach him to see the global picture here.
You sound like an overall amazing individual let alone wife and mother.
I too take time for myself on the weekend. Every Sunday I stay in bed with my husband and watch the Sunday Morning show on CBS until 8:30 and then some days do not get out of bed until 9 am. Also, there are those occasional days on the weekend when I don't get dressed until noon!
Taking time for yourself to watch TV, read or work on a hobby is not a crime as long as the needs of the children are being met. There have been times on our lazy Sunday mornings that me or my husband will get up to turn on the TV for our 4 year old or pour cereal.
You need to discuss with your husband how you feel that you do not have "you time" and that your preference is to take it all at once on Saturday...sleeping in and watching TV because you don't have the time during the week. Let him know that Saturday mornings are his special alone time with his children...that he should play outside or watch cartoons with them or take them to the park or out for donuts, breakfast or smoothies. He will build a good bond with them doing something special alone with them on Saturday mornings while you have a little time to yourself. It is SO hard for us moms to take time and not feel guilty...keep up your lazy Saturday mronings so that you do not get burnt out. Remember that an overworked, exhausted mom cannot possibly do a great job. Take care!
Well Lynn, based on what you posted, I think your husband is a jerk. No one owes anyone in a marriage... it's supposed to be a partnership.
You, on the other hand sound like an awesome mom!
hello dear lynn,
been there! it is all about self valuing, self-adoring, self-tenderness and self love. until you know that you deserve to rest after such a week of doing it all, you will wonder what is right. it is only you who can know, do and say what is right-action according to your higher knowledge inside you , your heart knowing and deep feeling. he is doing you a karmic favor to help you get it. so, just get it, treat yourself lovingly. he will either follow suit (with an adjustment period) or he will not, in which case you will need to decide what you are getting by staying at that point, and be at choice and not a victim.
best wishes!
aureya m
Lynn, Are you conern about being a bad mom? or a bad wife? in my opinion you are a wonderful mom!!!!. only one thing, it is not about me or anybody's for that matter. you need to communicate this to the kids. explain to them how you will like to have some lazy time around the house during the days you don't work. kids are very understanding, they will probably help spoild you.
as for what you are feeling towards your husband, you need to go to God in prayer. tell Him whats on your mind and listen in silence for answer from HIM (GOD). dive into the bible. read your bible. it will also be very nice to read books on trouble marriage.
Don't forget to discuss with the man you told,... for better, for worse and I DO. discuss your fellings. cummunication is very important. when you are tired and wornout, things you used to enjoy doing seems like so much trouble at times.
PS I will remember you and your family in my prayers.
Evelyn Dey
He has a disease, he’s losing his hearing. He yells all the time because he can’t hear others. Maybe I’ll just hang in there until he gets better. Thank everyone for your help.