i think you should stop treating your step daughter as one and more like your own child. she is still a child herself and needs advice and support. its a shame that you feel embarassed to be seen with her. it makes me wonder what she was lacking at home to turn to someone else for her emotional needs. i would think that you should be able to help her find some type of organization that could help her deal with this if you can't. there aren't many jobs someone at her age and in her conditon can do. is she not covered under your husbands insurance. once the baby is born you can find out who the father is and go after support at that time. right now you need to worry about your husband's daughter and less about your embarassment with her condition
Speaking from experience, I can certainly understand what you are feeling. My step-daughter, whom I call my daughter, did the same thing and admittedly I was angry with her for a very long time. But, she needed support. Being young and not knowing what to expect and having her own fears only made matters worse. I softened and became the mother I promised myself that I would be, loving and supporting my children, step-children too, through anything that was not a violent or criminal. I embraced my daughter determined that she would get the best advise she would need from her mom or step-mom, and would not rely on strangers to carry her through her pregnancy. After all, this was going to be my first grandchild and I didn't want anything to interfer with having a strong loving experience with this child. To make matter worse, the father of her baby was my son. This became apparent when my grandbaby was born. Neither of them said anything prior to the birth.
My granddaughter is the most precious gift that I could ever have wanted, even though it is not what I wanted at the time. Now my daughter tells me that she is a dedicated and loving mother because of how I helped her and the advise she got from me.
Do not let your anger ruin what can be a special time for you and your step-daughter. Give the right opportunities, it can be a relationship that will surpass all expectations. My daughter went to alternative school, she graduated from high school.
My son and step-daughter got married last year. My granddaughter will be 7 this year, she has two brothers, ages 4 & 3 now and a third brother will join this family in August. Believe me when I say, I have so many mixed feelings over the years about these two, but I have come to love and cherish them all so much and know that they are meant to be together. It is very awkward to try to explain this to others, but I have chosen to share this with you so that you know, that there are so many worse things that could happen in a family.
Financially, it has been hard. Even though they are grown, living in another state, I still find they call home needing help, and we help. I love them and that is all that matters.
If you can get outside your anger and disappointment you can show your daughter the true meaning of family and that is to stick together through all things wonderful and not-so-wonderful.
I wish you and your daughter only the best of luck and pray that your relationship and love for one another will survive this. God bless you and your family.
I have a 17yr old daughter who had her baby last July. I know how you feel, but like the saying goes "the damage is done" what can you do. I love my daughter very much and my grandbaby even more so. The only positive thing to do for her now is give her all the love and support you can give because she is going to need it. No matter what she is always gonna be your husband's daughter and she is always going to be your step-daughter. To be honest with you I was very disappionted in my daughter also, but what could I do? This was not the kind of future I aspired for my daughter, but I will help her achieve her future goals with the support of our family. LB
Unfortunately, a VERY large percentage of teenagers are having sex these days. Your step-daughter is not one of the few. She just can't hide it because of the pregnancy. I agree with some of the other posts that we all need to remember we have made mistakes and have skeletons we wouldn't want the world to know. How devastating that she is having to face hers. Being judged and chastised will not help her have better standards in the future. What will help her more than anything is to see unconditional love and support from her family. Fast-forward to when the child is born. This beautiful person will never seem like a mistake. Love and accept them now. Teach her how to be a responsible and loving mom.
Has she applied for WIC? That would help with some of the food expenses.
Love covers a multitude of sins. I know u can't condone what she has done, and she needs to be aware, if she's not already of how u feel about the situation. but what's done is done and now she needs your love and help.It'll be a fine line to walk. Does she live with you or her real mom? I know when my daughter come up pregnant, I didn't love her any less, but I knew what she was in store for., and that she would need me to guide her along the way ever so slightly letting her go. not doing it for her, but being there incase she did have any questions or did need my help with the baby. I wanted to just jump in and do it, but I had to let her be mom, she was almost 18. but was still a kid in many ways too. U may have lost respect for her, but does she still respect u? she needs to know that u love her and wish that she had of made better choices, but she didn't and know she has to deal with the what next. and she my or may not snap right into her responsibility when this baby comes. She is emotionally going thru all kinds of things, the boyfriend deny the baby and that hurts, and anger. and she knows she disappointed u and her dad, all tho she may never say it or let on. My daughter now 30 with 3 children. tells me all the time, Mom I'm so thankful that u stuck by me and didn't send me off some where. She needed me, and she may need her mom ( if available) hard to say whats going thru their heads anymore. but she thinks she's grown. we all do until we get older and see just how much 17/18 is really young. and how not so smart we thought we were.
Anyway, I do know that God loves us just as we are,and is willing to forgive us inspite of ourselves, and we have to forgive and love also.
Good Luck with all of this, Open arms, ears and broad shoulders for her to cry on. Love her with unconditional love, she'll never forget it.
Hope I've helped u some.
Regina
My advice is to stop being embarrassed about her and start being positive about this baby. Teens need positive reinforcement if you want her to take responsibility support her thru this incredible time of adjustment. If she cannot feel comfortable to talk to you openly you both are missing an opportunity to prepare for the baby. The baby is the main focus here.
by being positive you can encourage her to take personal responsibility for her prenatal care, job and her new life which is about to radically change. you are in a position that you can make all the difference you can choose anger disappointment and embarrassment or you can be supporting, proactive in a positive way and appreciated.
the birth of a baby is that is unexpected affects every one involved, and i can understand that you feel frustrated because you know the huge amount of responsibility it takes to raise a baby and you want to see her doing it for herself besides it was her choice to get pregnant in the first place.
I just thought i would respond to your post please don't think I'm being critical in fact its the opposite.
maria
There is no reason why she can not work, other then laziness. My advice for after the baby is born if she is going to keep it, is this. It should be her responsibility to take care of the child. She needs to breastfeed the baby so that she understands that the needs of the baby come before hers and that she can't just run off and dump the baby with you and do her own thing. She is still a child but it is now time to grow up. The other reason that I say she needs to breastfeed is since she is immature she needs that bond that breastfeeding brings. Since she doesn't want to work then she should be volunteering somewhere, she needs to learn to think about someone else besides her self. If she needs to go to LaLache League meetings to learn about breastfeeding she should start going now.
You have enough children to take care of, you don't need to take care of hers too.
Leah
I thank God for my own stepmother who never showed me anything but love and support, even when I made less-than-the-best decisions. She always treated me like a daughter and she always had my back.
I hope the poor child does not live with you.
I can understand that it is a difficult issue with which to be confronted. I have a hard time when my students get pregnant, myself.
If her father is "disappointed and angry," how has he blown it off? Maybe he has just accepted the situation for what it is.
You've lost respect for her? I hope she has lost respect for you. Right now she needs support and encouragement, not judgments.
You're embarrassed to take her out with you? Was she embarrassed to be seen with you while YOU were pregnant? It's a fact of life. I'd have been embarrassed as anything when my stepmom was that old if she'd been pregnant. Did you stepdaughter treat you this shabbily?
At 17, your stepdaughter's employment options are very limited. I can understand not wanting to be on her feet all day. I assume this is her first pregnancy.
Even if the father claimed the baby, your stepdaughter is pregnant. If you are responsible for her healthcare, this is part of it. If your family is low-income, she can get Medicaid. I also suggest she apply for WIC. At least she can be healthy while pregnant.
I have little to no sympathy for you. Your post made me very angry.
I am 23 years old, I have two little girls. I had my first child at 17, I was lucky my boyfriend want to be with us and we got married and we are very happy together.
I have one thing to say to, with is not happening to You. You need to realize your step-daughter didn't do this thinking how can I mess up my parents life or I hope she didn't. It's her life that is going to be a struggle, she is going to have to deal with the stares and questions. And I think she is probably terrified that she is going to have to raise this baby, if she is going to keep the baby, by herself. Yes this does effect you and yes you are disappointed in her poor judgement but if you love her, you will put your bagage away for now and help her through this. You need to still tell her she needs to get a job, baby things don't just fall out of the sky. And get the father to help finacially but don't make him be a father if he doesn't want to be, but she didn't get pregnant by herself and he needs to help pay for the next 18 years. And you need to encourage her to go to college, yes it will be hard but it is the only way she will make it in the world. 2 year programs are great.
Just love her and remember she is carring your grandchild, and that baby didn't do anything but be conceived. Right now your step-daughter needs love, support and understanding with out that she will not make it and she is going to need someone to teach her to be a mother.
I am quite shocked at how many rude responses there have been to this woman, who asked in good faith how to deal with a situation that she obviously did not have the answer to. I have never encountered such harsh responses in any other posts on MamaSource.
Even after Jeriane posted to say that she appreciated hearing the other side of the story, and how it opened her eyes to different opinions, many people still went on to bash her for her original opinion. This is no different than a mom asking for potty training help, or a mom asking for help in finding a babysitter - it is, quite simply, a mom asking for help.
Please remember that before you bash somebody, that regardless of the situation, it is a mom asking for help, not a mom asking to be beaten up.
And for the record, Katie B, 37 is not old. In fact, the median age in 2000 for first-time mothers according to the US census was 35.3 years old.
I was looking at the other responses hoping others would tell you what I was thinking...but I did not find it much. I cannot believe how harshly these women are criticizing YOU about this! You are a saint, and you have a 5 week-old yourself! Of course you know, you are going to adore this baby, it just sounds like Ms. 17 needs to woman-up and start acting responsibly for her own actions (the deed and now getting a job). It has become too trendy and accepted for teens to become pregnant and heaven forbid someone embarrass them about it! Maybe that's why so many are doing it -- NO consequences. Even Mom and Dad take care of the baby and life goes on as usual for the teen. Good for you for making her feel some kind of responsibility in all of this. God bless you, honey as you deal with all this plus school!
Everyone has something to say but none of it is a solution. While it may feel like irresponsibility, really its just down right ignorance. She has never had to pay bills, or be responsible for another life. Shes only ever had to worry about math class and friday night. My little girl is on medicaid. When she applies she will only put herself and not your income. She will get medicaid. She needs to get on wic, because it will pay for babies formula and that is expensive. The people in these offices wont talk to anyone but her, so doing these things will help her learn how to be responsible for these things. I know that its frustrating but she just doesnt know. You have to help her learn, but dont do everything for her. I think what your felling is normal. This wasnt in her plans and it wasnt in yours either. You and she cant sit in your feelings forever. Your both gonna have say "Ok this is what we got, this happend to our family and we are gonna have to deal with it". Its not going to be easy but you can do this. You need to do it as a family and support each other. Good luck. Your family is in my prayers.
Hello,
What a blessing she has you.
There is a great organization called Loving Choices. It provides support to unwed mothers and now have a new center in Fayetteville. They offer lots of services for free, including counseling. Their website is www.lovingchoices.org.
275 S. Duncan Ave.
Fayetteville, AR 72701
Phone: (479) 521-6677
Fax: (479) 521-6675
email: [email protected]
I believe they can offer you support and suggestions as well.
Take care,
Shannon Swope
I know this can be frustrating, but nothing can change this so it is no use to treat the situation with embarrassment and shame. A new life is coming out of this whether you like it or not. (please don't take this as being harsh with you...i am telling you this with a tender heart) Remember how young and immature she is right now. She needs to know that she is loved unconditionally (and not think that her parents stopped loving her b/c she got pregnant). If you guys love her unconditionally, then she will know how to love her baby unconditionally. If you show her conditions...the cycle continues and another person damaged. I hope you are following this.
As far as the not working and trying to help out...I'm not completely sure what to tell you. If she was lazy b-4 she was pregnant, then the problem is even bigger. If it's just recent that she's become lazy, maybe find one of those counseling type of clinics that work with young mothers to teach them about that type of stuff.
About the father of the baby denying it, once she has the baby, call the state, and tell them. I know here in LA, the state will pay for 1 DNA test.
I know everything is even more overwhelming for you considering you have a 5 week old at home right now. I will pray for you & your step-daughter...your entire fmly. I wish you the best of luck in dealing with a very difficult situation.
Dear Jeriane:
I am a 45 years old mother of 4, 2 of my children are married women today. When I was 16 I ran away from home, and married later on. I had my first daughter when I was 17.
It is a tough age to have children, at 17 we are still children, and even though our bodies wake up even before that age, emocionally speaking we are still inmature! I made it because of my parents' love, and God's mercy.
When one of my daughters was 17, I learned she was 5 month pregnant. My daughter was very irregular and she did not show at all. It broke my heart to learn that she was so afraid of disappointing me that she didn't want to tell me.
I tried to be a friend for my children so I wonder where I failed... My daughter went into labor the day we learned she was pregnant. The baby girl was born and died the same day. We were so sad... I could not help my daughter or the baby the way I wanted to, with proper medical care and support, it was too late for that.
You and your husband have the chance of being supportive, of loving that 17 years old girl, of getting her the right information, good books to read, best of all, love her! she is not the only one, neither the first one or the last one. She can still continue studies. I believe that forcing her to work is not a priority at this point. There might be government programs for her, or church programs willing to help with baby clothing, housing, etc. If in your heart you do not find the love to help because you are so angry, find help for yourself! This site might not be enough, and a counselor might be the person to consult!
At your service,
Roxana
I'm so sorry for your stuation. I was 19 when I had my daughter but I was blessed and was truly in love with a good guy I am not happily married. But anyway you said you were worried about money and getting what is needed for you grandbaby. Like I said my daughter is almost 2. so I have a a few baby things that I can give her. Well, I guess I should ask where you love? is it here in Oklahoma? If not I can send you a link for this place called free cycle. Its pretty much for teh "going green" thing, one mans trash another man treasue huh? :) But you post on there what you want to get rid of and what you need. Its all free. http://www.freecycle.org/ you just type in where you are and you can find alll kinds of even nice things on there.
Sounds like you got some good information. I became pregnant at 23, not the same as being 17, but I had alot of the same struggles. I lost my job a couple months after finding out about the baby, and to top it off a month or so after that the baby's father left me. I was so dissapointed and embarassed of myself, that I didn't want anyone in the family to know that I was going to be a single mom. But......if it hadn't been for the LOVE and SUPPORT of my parents, and family my daughter and I wouldn't be were we are today. My parents took care of me during the whole pregnacy, helped pay my bills, and so on. A friend told me about "Sooner Care" Insurance. So I went down and in-rolled. And they paid for all of my doctor visits, and the delivery of my baby. I didn't pay a thing, and was the best thing that I could have done. You can probably get more information on Sooner Care off the net. I know that it will be hard, but please don't be embarassed of her. Her knowing that will only make it harder on her and the baby. And know that she's not the only pregnant 17 year old out there....we just found out this weekend that our just turned 18 a couple of days ago newphew got his just turned 18 girlfriend pregnant too. I wish you all the best and please check into Sooner Care Insurance for her. I think that it will help her, and you guys in the long run. Good Luck!!!
Have you considered an adoption plan for the baby? My husband and I were unable to have children and we adopted a beautiful baby girl that is the JOY of our lives. It does not sound like your daughter's boyfriend will be any help. Also, your daughter may not realize all that raising a baby entails. This is just an option. I know that we have been tremendously blessed by our baby daughter that is now three.
Keep trying to communicate with your daugher. Remember how much you love her eventhough, you may not respect her decisons very much right now. She is only 17 and made some poor choices, but she is still your daughter.
God Bless you and your family.
Hi Jeriane, just got your story. I am glad you've seen some light as far as how she feels...compassion thru this will probably help your relationship with her. But i do agree, there are jobs you can get where you don't have to be on your feet all day....sounds like her dad needs to team up with you on those feelings.....i agree, she needs to be responsible in helping to support the baby....not necessarily the medical bills because she can't possibly understand the magnitude of that but in working to purchas the items that go along with a little one....good luck....Randi