I JUST saw this book in the bookstore today - Mom, Dad, I'm pregnant, by Jayne Schooler. Maybe you can find it at your local library or you can see more about it at www.cbd.com.
While it's understandable that you're angry and disppointed, there is no cause for you to be ashamed to be seen with her. Teenagers have sex drives, and sometimes accidents happen. That's why I made sure that before my daughter started dating, she knew all about how babies were made AND how to avoid making one.
I told my daughter that if she were to get pregnant while I am legally responsible for her, I would insist on an abortion, because neither she nor her boyfriend are ready to be parents, and I don't intend to raise grandchildren. Now that they've got their own place, and are paying their own bills, it's their decision, and any baby they bring into the world will be a welcome addition to th family, whether they get married or not. Of course, now that they see how expensive it is to be on their own, they're in no hurry to add another mouth to feed to their household - they've decided that their dog and cats are enough "babies" for the time being.
As her parents, you're responsible for her medical bills anyway. If the dad is a minor, you can't force him to take financial responsibility, and I don't think you can force his parents to either. It would be nice if he would man up, but apparently he isn't going to.
What's done is done. Unless she plans to abort, which she apparently doesn't, you can't undo the pregnancy. So you have a decision to make. Are you going to love your grandchild, or are you going to hold the circumstances of its conception against it?
It's going to be next to impossible for your daughter to get a job while she's pregnant, especially if she's showing. By the time an employer gets her trained, she'll be taking off to have the baby and recover from the delivery. Keep track of the expenses, and let her know that after the baby is born, she is going to ahve to get a job and reimburse you, even if it's in installments, AND she is going to have to pay for the beby's needs. She's the baby's parent, not you, and she needs to take responsibility for it.
Once the baby is born, being "on her feet all day" is going to seem easy compared to being a single parent trying to finish high school. She realy doesn't sound like she's maturte enough to handle it, and it might be better for both her and the baby if she arranged for a private adoption. I don't know that I would place the baby with a state agency for adoption, though - I don't have a lot of faith in the foster care system. Too many kids fall through the cracks because there are too many of them to begin with.
When I first read your posting my first thought was "how selfish of you". I was 14 when I had my first child and I thank God I didn't have a parent like you. I am 36 and my youngest daughter, who is 16 is pregnant with my first grandchild. My oldest is almost 22 and he serves in our US Navy, of which I am so proud. My second child is my oldest daughter, she is almost 20 (I had her when I was 16) and she is the first of my children to go to college...again, so proud. I am proud that my youngest, my other daughter, is finishing high school. She also attends an "Alternative School", the same one I attended when I was pregnant. I am so glad I had the support of my parents when I was a pregnant teen. Especially after losing almost every friend I had because they were "embarASSed" to be around me, or their parents shunned me. You really have to "walk in our shoes" to fully understand what it's like to have people pass judgement on us. As a parent, it's our jobs to support our kids; defend them when necessary, not be "embarASSed" with them. You my dear, are extremely selfish and in my personal opinion, do not deserve the title of "mom". And, on a happy note, the man who is the father of my 2 girls, is still my husband. We met when we were 15 and have been together ever since. May God be more lenient when He judges you. :-)
What a mess...your family needs professional counseling...forget using this site for help. You, and the others involved, are reaping the consequences of previous behaviors and have choices which need professional direction for a positive outcome from this less than positive situation....There are many lives involved in this situation....Without professional direction, I predict more of the same serious "acting out" from your children and step-children.....I think your problems have just begun.....
Jeriane, seems to me you need to tell this young lady that if she was capable of getting herself pregnant, she can certainly stand a few hours a day and work to earn money to take care of her baby, including paying her own doctor bills. My adopted daugher in law is 37 and is due to have her baby this Monday. She worked up until a couple weeks ago when her doctor told her it was time to rest and prepare for the baby. She was on her feet for up to 8 hours a day as a waitress in an upscale restaurant in the area. If she is going to be lazy now with her first pregnancy, it will lead to her being lazy on down the road. It seems to me that you have your hands full with your children and step children already and is time for you to put your foot down and tell this 17 year old the way life really is and what is expected of her then make her follow through. If she's allowed to continue on the path she's taking, she's setting a bad example for the younger children.
Jackie Blue Star Mom and Proud Army Mom
you should see if she qualifies for medicaid to cover any expenses not covered under your insurance policy, most teen moms do. if she is, then the baby will be covered too once he/she's born. that could relieve some of the financial stress, and they will retroactively cover up to three months of care given before the application is accepted. so that's step one.
she needs to be working. she made the bed now she has to lie in it a little bit. i waited tables til i was at 38 weeks so i know it can be done. make it clear that you will buy neccessities for the baby but no extras for her (maternity clothes etc.) unless she contributes.
Hi Jeriane,
I kind of know your situation,only I was the pregnant one!I was pregnant at 16.Things are going to be hard for her and the whole family.Not only she is pregnant actually the family is pregnant.Please don't look down on her or feel ashamed of her.It is horrible enough for the babies father to deny his baby but I am sure she felt he loved her and would stick with her.If she feels resentment form the family it might be directed toward the baby. Everything happens for a reason even though it may seem like the wrong reason or the wrong time.Yes she will have to work hard being a single mom but that will feel like impossible if she has no support or feels unloved from her family.The best thing to do is show her the right things to do now and move on.Besides once the baby is her and you see he or she it will be love at first sight.If she is still unsure there is always adoption.I wish you my best but please love her anyways!!!Heather
I volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center in Rogers called Loving Choices. I council girls who are having unplanned and sometimes unwanted pregnancies. I would encourage her to come and see what resources are available. We have a "Mommy Boutique" that carries almost everything she woudl need for her baby (diapers, wipes, clothes, carseats, etc) that she can purchase using "Mommy Bucks", which she can earn weekly by watching parenting videos, reading books on parenting, doing bible studies, etc. We also offer counciling and can provide her information on adoption, if that is something she is considering.
My past is full of mistakes. I could have very well been pregnant at 17. But, God had other plans for me. Now, I try and offer help to girls who are making some of the same poor choices I did. My best advice is to remember that we all make mistakes. The majority of kids her age are having sex and that is really NOT GOOD for many reasons. 1 out of 4 sexually active people have an STD. You just can't tell by looking at them. Just because she made a mistake, don't be embarrassed. She really needs support right now. Help her to understand how these poor choices can affect her, get her the support she needs by encouraging her to come to Loving Choices, or a similar counciling service (we are also in Fayetteville if that is closer to you) and share your love with her. Let her know that you love her no matter what. Everyone needs that.
I don't know if you are a believer. But, God is the answer. And if you don't have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, you need to give your life to him now. That may sound pretty bold, but I know that God is capable of all things. And if you don't attend a church right now, I would like to invite you and your family to join me and my family at the Church at Pinnacle Hills in Rogers or First Baptist Church of Springdale.
If you would like information on Loving Choices, the church, or anything, feel free to call me at 479-721-8551. I will be praying for your family.
Sincerely,
Mindy Becker
This must be very difficult for you, but there is nothing you can do to change ANYTHING at this point. To take care of yourself (and the relationships with all of your biological children), you might want to try and "let go" of the power struggles with your pregnant step daughter. It will only keep you in knots which will cause stress for you and take your attention away from your small children. Sometimes we "teach" our children to feel entitled by not making them suffer consequences from their behavioral choices. This happens because we, as parents, decide it's easier "not to deal" with confrontations and give in to our children's bad behavior. Learn from your husbands' earlier choices and hold your kids accountable when they make bad choices. Understand that the 17 year old LEARNED to behave this way because no ADULT taught her to make good choices and to be accountable. It's not her fault that no one taught her. You will stay in constant struggles with this step child if YOU CHOOSE to allow yourself to be taken in by her bad behavior. You could, if you choose, reinforce any good choices she makes... Her choices reflect nothing on YOU, so why would you take the energy to be embarrassed by HER choices? Her pregnancy belongs to HER....... Use mature behavior and show her what it means to be a good parent, and support her in her frightening situation. I bet she is full of fear. Good Luck!
Why have you lost all of your respect for her? She made a mistake. She knows that, don't you realize she is scared too death no matter how tough she appears? as for the dissappointment etc. I completely understand. dads tend to tune out at times like this because they don't know what to do. Keep engaging him as non compatively as possible (even though running over him with the minivan seems like a good idea at times lol).
As for the expenses, care, medical etc. There is an organization in tulsa called Crisis Pregnancy Outreach. They are for just that ANY woman in crisis and pregnant. They help women whether they are going to adopt out their child or parent themselves. They help with medical expenses, phycological care. The girls are required to attend a weekly support group that introduces them to the adoption process and if that isn't there choice, Teaches them how to parent, budget, about diapers, nutrition etc.
This is a wonderful organization that has been in Tulsa for over 25 years. The do incredible work with pregnant women and their families. Please call them and check into this . there is no cost as far as I can remember but just wonderful loving care from pregnancy and after.
This kid must be responding well to the fact that you are embarrassed of her, can't have a conversation with her, and have lost respect for her. What she needs now are options and support, not judgement. We have all made mistakes, some with more significant consequesnces than others.(ie: pregnancy)I'm sorry to be harsh, but it reminds me of my mother. Yes, I was 20, unwed, and pregnant and she reacted the same way you are, with the exception that I was not living at home and she was not supporting me financially. Has anyone thought that the best option for this young girl and her baby might be adoption?? Where is her mother?? As for your husband blowing it off, he needs to be reminded that this is his daughter AND grandchild, and you both need to move past the anger, etc. and start making some decisions that are in the best interests of the girl and baby. As for her finding a job when she's a few months from giving birth, are ya kidding?? Good luck having anyone hire you when they know you will be quitting in a few months. Trust me, I've been there. Since the alledged father denies it's his, that's what DNA tests are for. Sue him for half the costs. I would imagine having a new baby yourself has created a great deal of stress as well. I would encourage you to treat this young girl the way you would want to be treated, and of course, couseling always helps.
As for me, I had a beautiful son that my mother worshiped as soon as he was born, and that was almost 19 years ago. ( :
I feel sorry for you. Why have you lost respect for her? She made a mistake. She needs your love and support more than ever now. I would suggest family counseling.
First things first DONT be embarassed to be seen with her. I know how that feel first hand. I know you are disapointed, my parents were to but she needs your support. She is not the first nor will she be the last to do this. Yes she should help financialy, yes she needs her rest there are ways to comprimise with part time jobs. Get her on medicaid it is not a charity it is there when you need it. It will only cover the pregnancy and delivery but that is the issue here. It will cover her until 6 weeks after delivery as well. If she continues to live at home with you and your husband has insurance the baby will be covered on it after delivery. Encourage her and let her know that the more she helps herself the more you and your husband will be willing to help her. I am 38 now but was 17 when I got pregnant with my first child I can understand both sides of the story. If she is not living in your home this is not your problem let your husband deal with it with her mother.
Have you considered adoption counseling for your step-daughter? This is still a viable alternative to her situation. These days, adpotions can be vary in levels of openness, and she can even choose the family that she wants to raise her child. Please contact an adoption agency on her behalf - they can even give you advice. There is a wonderful agency in North Louisiana, Volunteers of America. Try their website www.voanorthla.org and click on Programs then Adoption Services. The first kids you see on the Adoption Services site are MY 3!!! They are all adopted thur VOA. We are truly blessed. See the middle child in the picture, her birthmom was 17, single and pregnant 13 years ago, also. She made a hard decision, an unpopular one. But today, she still says she made the best decision. One that give her joy and a sense of fulfillment in her life. She did ... she helped to fulfill my and my husband's desire to adopt a child. Please let me encourage you to give them a try.
Hi, While it is embarrassing that she is pregnant as a teen and it is hard to be the Step-mother too, I can kind of see your point. I am a step-mother of a 13 year old girl and she lives with her mother, so my situation is different than yours but I can see where you are coming from. However, while you are dissapointed in the fact that she is pregnant, you really can't change that, so embrace it and try and guide her. Don't scold her, she is going to have her hands full once the baby comes and will need all the love and support you and your husband can give. For now the best thing you can do is let her know that you are on her side but she needs to start thinking about the future. You have to be calm and let her know that a baby is a lot of work and they are expensive. Show her a budget for diapers and formula and clothes and all the things the baby is going to need. You also need to let her know that she is going to be responsible for that little life and that you will help her but you won't raise the baby for her. You have to try and make her see that while it was a mistake to get pregnant at such a young age, her choice comes with concequences that won't just go away. Maybe if you help her to see that she is going to have to grow up and take responsibility she will understand and will do what she needs to do. I hope that helps.
I an not trying to be rude so please don't take my response the wrong way. I think your reaction would be initially normal. You are upset at her decisions, she is bringing a child into the world at too young an age. You didn't just now find out now, and you commented that now you have lost your respect for you.
I think you are being very judgmental. How would like one single mistake to be the entire reason your daughter no longer has respect for you? People make mistakes. I would think that your love for her would be enough for you to look past her indiscretions but since it obviously isn't I would take a good hard look at what kind of parent I am. Why was your daughter having sex at such a young age? Was something you did or didn't do the reason why she made such a choice?
Let's say, you did everything you could to teach her to be sexually responsible but she did it anyway. OK. Isn't she still your daughter? Yet you don't want to support or help her? That's such a hard thing, I don't know what I would do if I were you. But really, if you can't love her for who she is instead of what she does maybe you should look into state homes for you so you are no longer responsible for her.
I'm not trying to be mean, but maybe if you think she should be taking responsibility for her actions and growing up she should be in state care until she is 18. She is better off there than with a mother is always looking down on her for bad choices.
This is your grandchild. This is your daughter. You have to make the choices you think are right for you. Try to make sure that you won't regret those choices later. Maybe the fact that she is your "stepdaughter" is why you feel the way you do.
Hello Jeriane
you have your hands full you sound like a super mom!
I wish i lived by you to help you out...congrats on going back to school!
I hate to tell you this your step daughter is spoiled.(lazy)..etc...
guess whos going to be taking care of the baby? you!she needs to go to a few parenting classes to see what life is about...what about adoption? You need to sit down with her father and have a heart to heart talk...or are you there just to take care of his kids and him...sit him down he needs to speak up his "voice" will make her listen. I feel sorry for you i will pray for you every morning till July
I totally understand that you are embarassed to be seen with her. Your dh may just not know how to handle the situation. He will not have a choice when the baby gets here.
As far as footing the medical expenses, I would have her in a Medicaid office so fast that her head will spend. Even if the baby's daddy denies this child, she can still get coverage. Baby's can be expensive, as you know, and it should be relatively easy for her to get on Medicaid. I think you can get on it even if she is covered under a private insurance policy. I would definitely check it out.
She doesn't seem repsonsible enough to keep a job especially if she is pregnant at 17. I don't know too many places that would hire her except for a fast food restaurant or something like that.
I can agree with previous posters that she did make a mistake and needs your and her father's help now more than ever. However, let's not forget that she is the one who laid down and got herself into this predicament. No one forced her to. If she's gonna keep the baby, she's gotta learn alot of responsibility between now and July. Hopefully you can help her and her dad will join in to help as well. You are going to have your hands full too with your new bundle of boy. Congrats on your 5 week old.
God give you all strength to make it through this difficult journey.
First STOP punishing her daily! She made a mistake and has to live with this now for the rest of her life. Mistake or not she is pregnant. You can't change that. What she needs now is encouragement, help and understanding. As long as she feels you hate her and judge her she will buc you every step of the way. One of thoses is to do absoluttely nothing around the house or get a job. Get her a WIC program and she would have jobs around the house. She can fold clothes while she sets. She can load and unload dishwasher. Even do them by hand if you don't have one. She can help the younger ones with homework, setting down, she can do projects like sewing or crafting for the new baby. Look past what she has done, NO. Help her to understand motherhood to be, YES. Will you have opposition? Yes. But be positive and helpful and caring, loving. Show her how to be a good mom and ask her for help and offer her help. In time you will see a difference. Mimi J
dear Jeriane H :
Boy, of all of life "problems" you have been handed the Solomon of problems. And your feelings are getting in the way of truly helping your family. You should be focused on getting help with her medical bills . Its called Medicaid and you should be net working with a social agency. to get the other parent involved. Rather than just gulping and hiding.