17 year old step-daughter pregnant

Family & Parenting Other Family & Parenting
1

I am new to the mamasource community, but I need all the advice I can get.

My 17 year old stepdaughter is pregnant and I am having a very hard time dealing with this. She just turned 17, and she told us in November. Her father and I are very disappointed and angry. Yet, he seems to have just blew it off. I, on the other hand am having a very hard time with it. I have lost my respect for her and find it hard to even carry on normal conversations with her anymore. She is starting to show and I am embarrassed to take her out with me. She is going to an alternative school, and they only go half days, yet she doesn't work, because she "doesn't want to be on her feet all day."

Her baby is due in July and the father of the baby denies it is his. So therefore, we are having to cover her medical bills. I feel that she should be working so she can buy all the things necessary for the baby, yet she has only partially filled out an application and did not turn it back in.

Any advice on how to deal with this would be greatly appreciated!!

2

Hello. My name is Miranda. I had my first child at 17 as well. She needs your support more than ever right now. I too was shut out of my parents lives and will never forgive them for it. She needs to apply for soonercare medical insurance (so you dont have to foot the bill) and wic will help her out a lot. She probably even qualifies for dhs assistance. I dont know what town you are in, but there are tons of resources out there to help all of you deal with this situation. If she enrolls in the vo-tech after her school day ends, dhs will probably pay her cash to get that extra education. If I new what town you were in- I'd have more resources for you. If I can help more, let me know!

3

Hi, I"m sorry for everything that you are feeling... Babies are a gift from God... She got pregnant for a reason... I got pregnant at 17 and I was so scared. I didn't know what people where going to think of me and I was scared of how everyone was going to react. It's a very scary thing when you're young and you don't have a partner and you don't know how you're going to raise a baby. It's very hard. But now, looking back, I wouldn't give ANYTHING for my precious kids...I understand your feelings about her being pregnant and not working... but if you don't at least try to be there for her, it's going to do nothing but makes things worse. Talk to her, tell her that she needs a job so she can start saving money and getting the things that the baby needs... you can get her to apply for Medicaid... that way you won't be taking care of all the doctor bills... At this point, you really need to try and be her friend regardless of how you feel about the pregnancy. Maybe you two can start to get closer...You kind of have to look in the future on something like this... When she has the baby, I'm sure you're gonna want to be in his/her life.. I"m sure you're gonna love the baby and want to spend time with it. You're gonna want to take the baby places... You're gonna be a grandma... and if you make things hard now and don't try to understand what she's feeling then you could really be messing things up for yourself when the baby does get here... and as for the dead beat father.... I'd get a paternity test done as soon as the baby is born.. you can get a court order for that... I know this because my brother had to do it. I'm sorry if I sounded harsh with anything I've said. I just know from personal experience that it helps for someone to understand and to be there... I really hope this helps!:)If you need anything else, all you have to do is ask.... Missy

4

I agree 100% with the other responses, she needs you now more than anything to be there for her and be a good friend. The past can not be changed. I am so glad she is keeping the baby. Maybe you can take her maternity shopping and buy her a new outfit and go to lunch together. Take this opportunity and talk with her about how unhappy you are about the situation then say,you are willing to put aside your feelings for the sake of the grandbaby. Explain that she will have to step up and become a grown up now and apply for WIC and medicaid and get a job for the trade off of you not complaining anymore. Both of you will have to change a little. Praying for you, M.N.

P.S. Wish you the best on your nurising degree. I am an RN and it is the most rewarding career. I know it is tough especially with the added home situtaion. HANG IN THERE!!!

5

To help with medical expenses you might need to check into goverment assistance through family and childrens services. Most states have programs for single pregnant women as well as provide help with certain foods. This generation Y is hard to deal with. They have the mentality as to what can you do for me not what can I do to help myself or you. You should keep that line of communication open as much as possible, because very soon now she is going to realize what it means to be responsible for another person. Be ready to help and give advise and let her do things for herself, but be ready to assist if ask to help. Most people learn by doing and that includes providing finicially. Help out but don't make things to easy, let her be responsible for her actions. The best thing you can do is love her, love her, love her and pray a lot.

6

I am a 33 year old mother of 3 my first pregnancy was when i was 17 unlike your daughter i was in foster care at the time and hid my pregnancy till i was 6 months although i had a healthy baby !!it is good so you know now !! My first peice of advice is ~#1 when you see this baby for the first time all anger will disappear i promise~#2 support your daughter but also let her know how to deal with the responsibilty ~finishing school is a must!! All too soon one day she will need to be on her own with this child so having a job is critical also i wish you & your family the best !! If the father is not claiming the child immediatly get connected with dhs in your state and file petetion for child support they establish patertinity and establish child support payments at least he can do is be finacially responsible !!

7

I am sure she's terrified and you continually making her pay for her mistake isn't helping. Whether you say it or not I bet she is picking up on your discust. How would you like to be reminded over and over again of one of your worst mistakes. You're the step-mother, you're going to have to get over it...there's no turning back now. You need to support her and incourage her. It doesn't mean you're blowing what she did off or "making it ok". She's going to find out quick enough the ramifications of her actions.

As far as her not working and not being on her feet all day. She needs to suck it up as well. Her priorities no longer are the most important. She has to provide for the child she helped create and needs to get her pregnant but to work. I know plenty of single pregnant moms going to college and working to pay their way through.

This may seem harsh..but my mom had me at 17 and I don't consider myself a mistake. She sacrificed many things in life have a child so young. My parents sucked it up and did what they had to do and are the best parents in the world in my book!!

8

Honey first of all she needs support not rejection from you. She is going to get a lot of judgement from a lot of directions anyway. Yes, she is young and yes she has screwed up. Chances are she is freaking out and because you are ashamed she feels she cant talk to you. I agree she needs to get a job. But unless you are behind her on this big issue then the little issues around her are going to be impossible to handle. She made a mistake a big one! Were you sexually active at her age? WHat did you do to make sure she was informed and had all the help to prevent this? This is her burdon and she is on her own especially since the "DAD" has bailed on her. You can handle him when the baby gets here by insisting on a DNA to verify and get support, DHS and CSE have ways to help gt this done and paid for. FIrst you have to quit judging her. Sit down and apologize for the way you have been acting and promise with sincerity to help her through this. Remember she is a baby having a baby, she screwed up and knows it.Give her hugs and kisses and reassure her you are there for her. Ask her if she has a plan. Find out how you can help with that plan. Ask her how she thinks she is going to provide for her child. Does she even plan on trying to raise it? Has she considered her options? Then explain that she has to work because she has taken on an adult opsition in life, and is now an adult in all rights and reason therefor she has to begin supporting herself. Make it clear that you will help and support her but she has to help herself as well. Have her go down and apply for Medicaid and any other services available to her. Get her to go to the Health Department and sign up for WIC. Go with her to her DR appointments and be there as a shoulder when she melts down. Talk to her Dad tell him that pretending this isn't going on is pointless. It is not going to magically go away. It is real and although neither of you are please it is what you got right now and you might as well get ready to hang with it.
Sorry if I sound harsh but in this day and age this is not an uncommon thing and I think it is sad but we cant turn our backs on these kids because that is how we end up with women who settle for less than the best that this world has to offer.Good Luck Hang in there

9

Dear Jeriane,
I know how unplanned pregnancy can complicate things, but you also must remember that she is going through a lot right now too.

This has already happened, so the best thing to be is supportive. She is young and needs your "motherly" advise.

Get intouch with local agencies to help her to know there are people that can and will assist her every step of the way.

Also remember that all children are a blessing from Heaven and all life is precious.

May God Bless all of you on this new venture in life.

10

Jeriane: realizing that you have much responsibility with your education and family. One of my advisors once said that all our stressors are blessings - job, family, etc. If there is a support system for your 17 year old, i would suggest that or counselling. Even though she may have a bad attitude, be scared, disappointed in herself, or not, she needs positive reinforcement, love and encouragement, and acceptance even is she has made a mistake. She may not be
responsive. She may be rebellious. She needs guidance to accept the utimate responsibility for the future. This could take some time. We all need to feel good about ourselves.

You might even look into a support system for mom's in this situation - how to handle teenage pregnancy. I recommend lots of prayer also. Blessings! B

11

Hi, I was in the same spot 12 years ago as your step daughter and my mother in yours. I know that right now it feels like this is the worst thing that could happen, but it is not. I know now that I had my son for a reason. He was sent to me to make me grow up and do the right thing. I did not know that then I just want to play and live off my mom, because that is what teenager do. Once I had him I really want to give him the life that I had or better. I guess you could say that I really figured out what life was. I got my act together and everything turned out great, but I truly belive that if I did not have him I would be in a diffrent place today and maybe not so well off. The best advice is help her, hold on to her, she will see when the baby is here what she need to do. My mom went thur all the feeling to and because of that 12 years later we are best friends and able to laugh about everything we went though. I wish you and her luck and if you or her ever need to talk email me!

12

I recently learned about a program that helps people in this situation. They have a lot of resources and information that can help your whole family come through this and turn it into something positive.

Their number is 1–800–537–2229

13

Your step daughter needs you. This is not about you, it's about her. I am sure she is scared to death and doesn't need to hear about how YOU feel about this.

Love her, support her, hold her, reassure her.

How can she work? She's pregnant! Who will hire her???

This is about her and her baby, NOT YOU! Mistakes happen...not meaning a baby is a mistake, but it happens. Make thebest of it and move on. More importantly...she NEEDS YOU, it's about HER and the baby, NOT YOU!

Sorry to be blunt, but it seems you are making this out to be about you.

14

Have you talked to her about adoption. That is a wonderful thing and there are lots of childness couples that would love to have it,, it seems she is not responsible and you have your hands full. I would try that. My daughter has an adopted daughter,, we can not tell it from the birth children she has. Also, we have 2 couples that have adopted and one couple are in the process of adopting another. It is a wonderful thing. Call an adoption agency or go to a church and ask. You can contact me.
Thanks and good luck.
becky s.

15

Hi Jeriane,
Much nice advice given. I take rather a hardline approach in my line of social work. Many parents are thrilled regardless, which I could never understand in the first place. They're a GRANDMA! SO WHAT if the child is born out of wedlock; WONDERFUL! we'll love it, play with it, whoopee!

I agree with you. She shouldn't get a free ride. All the love and proper raising didn't help before, and NOW you are suppose to be understaaaaaaaaanding, huggie wuggie kissee wissee. It's so disappointing under these circumstances.
All you can do now is be ready when it happens.

You will be the caregiver, you will be 'everything' from here on in, all because SHE WOULDN'T LISTEN. A tough road ahead I can assure you. You have a full plate with your other wonderful goals and responsiblities in life. A shame they have to be put on hold, but one day, sure, you'll laugh about it. Time is a great healer. So take it... one day at a time. All the best and God will give you the strength.

16

this girl is going to have the responsibility of a child soon and definitely needs to take some responsibility now. Have a paternity test done as soon as possible (maybe done after child is born) but the young man is legally responsible for bills etc if it is his child(whoever the father is he is responsible to help care finacially anyway for this child) She should be working part-time if she is physically able to help pay for necessary things and she definitely should be given total responsiblity for the child if she is going to keep it --- you have enough children to raise !

17

Hi Jeriane,

I am a mother of four and step-mother of five, and I am working on a nursing degree too. My oldest step daughter, age 16, just gave birth last week to our first grandchild. I'm 40, and my husband is 37...so it seems we have a lot in common.

We were very disappointed when we found out our daughter was pregnant. (She lives with her mom, not with us). Sure, there was an element of being disappointed with her personal morality and not having waited...but we were also dismayed because we knew how much harder her life would be now (not to mention we weren't exactly thrilled at being grandparents at our ages!). We were very concerned (and still are) for her health and for the baby's. We are extremely concerned because the baby's father is really bad news (and is only 15).

When she called us to tell us that she was pregnant, she informed us that she had made the decision to keep the baby because she doesn't believe in abortion. Neither do we. We also know all the risk factors for teen moms and the children of teen moms.

We told our daughter that although we were disappointed that this had happened to her so young, and while unmarried, we still love her unconditionally--that would not change, regardless of our emotions about the pregnancy.

We also expressed our concerns to her, honestly but calmly and lovingly, not in a hostile or attacking way. We did talk to her about adoption, because the reality is that she cannot count on the father to support this baby, and staying home on welfare is not an option. If she kept the baby, she would have to count on herself and only herself to work and support this child...and that's a tough row to hoe at 35, much less at 16.

She still wanted to keep the child, so we began educating her on a healthy pregnancy, childbirth, and infant care. She needs to understand that this child is a life, and that life is precious. This child didn't ask to be conceived or born, and it is an innocent in need of proper care and of love. It cannot be indirectly punished for its parents' choices!

We have spent a lot of time talking about the practicalities of having a baby: the need to get her GED or diploma, and then a job. We told her that we would help her with some necessities for the baby, and that we would--if need be--take them under our roof as long as she stayed in school and made every effort at school to succeed. We would help her enroll to get medical assistance, financial aid etc. for her and the baby, but we would not pay her bills (she is my husband's step daughter actually, not his biological child).

We've been honest about our concerns for her, and for the baby. We've acknowledged her feeling tired and overwhelmed. We've provided love and acceptance of her and the child, even though we haven't agreed with what has happened. At the same time, we've lovingly educated her on what is now required of her if she is going to be a mom, and helped connect her with resources she needs to succeed. And then, insisted that she step up and be responsible.

It hasn't been easy, but I am happy to say that, once she knew we loved her even though she made a mistake, she began to respect our efforts to equip her and educate her, in spite of days she resented that we weren't giving her a free ride. She has risen admirably to the challenge and is making very goood decisions, and I am proud of the growth that has occured in her life--though I dearly wish it hadn't had to come through this set of circumstances, particularly at her age.

We can't change the past; we can only choose our responses in the present moment, even as we consider how they will impact the future for all parties involved.

18

First of all, she is scared inside. Were you ever pregnant and unmarried at 17? She already quite aware of her mistake and is most probably unmotivated because SHE is depressed and embarrassed too! It's people like you that stare and judge that will discourage her from getting a job. I know full well that you don't approve, but put your feelings aside for a minute.what if it was your REAL daughter? What if your REAL son was in the same boat , having gotten a girl pregnant? How would you respond? What she needs now is your support! Get her on medicaid so you aren't bitter about the money. Then start over. Show empathy. Be supportive. I can guarantee she could use a hug instead of an insult. Mistakes happen. Are you perfect? And no, i was never an unwed mother. Both my kids were born way more than 9 months after i was married. but i do know some really great moms who weren't married or were too young. and they would never treat one of their children like a mistake. I would wish you luck, but i think your stepdaughter needs it more than you do. For you i wish patience and understanding and a little "stand in my shoes for a while."

19

Do you love your daughter? If you do is your love
unconditional? I am 53yrs old when I was 20 I got
pregnant I wasnt married and my parents would not let me go to their house because they didnt want to have to explain it to my brothers and sisters. Your daughter made a
mistake a BIG one and yes Im sure you are dissapointed in
her, but she needs you now more than ever. I can only hope that she dosent know how imbrassed you are of her.

20

Hello Mrs. Jeriane,

I am a mother of 4 wonderful kids (24,21,20,and 9)I am also rasing my 2 nephews (11, and 5)and 1 niece(9). Okay shocker I am only 38 years old. as you can see I was 14 years old when I had my first and yes, I disspointed my parents two.. same thing the guy said he wasn't the father either. And than I aslo was at 17years old too the same thing again boyfriend said not the daddy. I know she is your step daughter but she needs you more and needs your support. Not money wise but heart wise. it's hard to get a job being pregnant. No one will hire you it is high risk on their end. I know my parents told me the same. Now after she has the baby yes, get a job I did and I worked to cover a sitter and anthing my sons needed both times. I am not saying that she will not provide for her child but she will need help to start off. Do you know what she is having? I watch kids for a living and enjoy it alot. I have some extra things not alot but I would love to give them to your step daughter for the baby. Do you mind me asking where you live? I live out near the sandhill area off of hwy 25 Brandon..If she needs to talk to some one who has been in her shoes I would love to talk to her. I am also wanting to tell you please don't treat her like what you are doing now. what I mean don't be embarrassed to be around her. It will scar her.. I know it ruined my mother and daughter relationship with my mom. We just now started talking after all those years. My father was the same way as your husband. he was angry at me and disappointed too and he was my rock. He showed me that I could do and take care of my child. I love him for that and she will need help time to time and I am sure she will be okay and she will want to better her self too. My oldest in formed me in december that he was going to be a daddy. I told him he will take care of the child one way or another.. He wasn't going to be a dead beat dad like his... And all those years we had He is standing up to his part. Your letter brought up so many times in my life that I made it through and hurts that came along with it.. In all I am saying Yes, Her life as a child herself is gone.. She has to be the adult and provide not only for her but that gift that god wanted. I myself had to get my ged and than I went to a college for 2 1/2 years nites. didn't finish due to getting married to my first husband with my 3 son. I have over came some things and if you and your husband will hang in there all things will work out. Have you tried medicaid? Yes some people don't want to be on the system but hey I was. And if things happen with the baby it is covered. If you can get the help get it.. That is why we pay taxes.. I know this is long but if you ever need to talk please feel free to e-mail me or even call me at 601-829-0205... I am here for both. I just had to write you..

your friend in christ

Heidi Darrow