You might want to try medicaid, if you are worried they won't cover because you may make more money than they allow, don't worry, if she is under 19 she can claim herself and the father and not who she is living with. The forms are at the madison county health dept. they are blue and called the sobra program. Try it out so at least the medical bills will be covered and so will the baby for the first year. try wic also it provides food for the mother up to 6 months after the baby is born and food for the baby for a year. the process is long but worth it in the end. I am 25 and just had my son, so i got medicaid and we are working on it for my sister in law, good luck! By the way i worked pregnant up to the day i delivered, it can be done!!
I am a 30 year single mother of a 13 year son. I just wanted to let you know that this is not the end of the world or her life. I became pregnant when I was 16 and had my son just a few months after turning 17. As disappointed and angry as you are you have to remember that she is probably disappointed and scared to death. She is probably also embarassed to go out in public with you. I remember feeling very embarassed and ashamed even after I had my son. I remember every look from strangers who looked down on me. I got my GED when I was 17 just before I had my son and continued to go to college and now I am a registered nurse. It was a long road, and hard at times. I could have never done any of this without the support of my family. It is very important to let her know you still love her and support her. Trust me the disappointment and anger you feel is nothing to the disappointment and embarassment she is probably also feeling. I have a wonderful son who I have raised and would not trade for anything in the world. Today when I look back at the past 13 years with him,I have no regrets. You have to encourage her to cotinue with her life and not to become another statics. Again I could have never done any of this without the support and love of my family.
I too was unwed and young (not as young) when my son was conceived but babies are blessing and you should prepare for this child's arrival. she is still 17 and may not be the most responsible but the baby's arrival is still inevitable. her choices are not choices and in a perfect world she would not be pregnant but again the baby's arrival is still inevitable. do not brow beat her. she needs you now more than she ever has...she has been thrust into an adult world. think back to when you were 17 well add a baby to that scernio and that's her new world. things could be worse and they surely could be better but these are the cards that you have been dealt. I am not saying that you should take on her responsibility but she will need the help and is not necessarily equipped to handle the responsibility of another's life at this juncture. if you are praying woman begin praying now, journal your thoughts as to not share them publically but most importantly love her, cherish the time you have with her, be an example of the unconditional love she is seeking but do not be embarrassed of HER choice...it is not a reflection on you. as parents we do the best we can with what we are equipped and beyond that our children make the choices to be individuals. so basically lift her up because everyone else will tear her down...I have walked several miles in your daugter's shoes and my comfort was home...
I got pregnant just after I turned 21, and my parents were still angry! They are ok now & I have a beautiful 2 year old daughter whom everyone loves. Her father & I finally recently got married too. The biggest problem I had while I was pregnant was my parents for some reason were just certain that my boyfriend was going to leave me, and so they did everything they could think of to prove it! It hurt me so much that they did this. But, here we are 3 years later & he his still around!
I do recommend getting her covered by Medicaid and also WIC. I had both & they helped a lot. There may be other things in your area to help her out as well. Also find childbirth & breastfeeding classes. I'm sure it would mean a lot to her if you went to the classes with her. My mom went with me (my now husband was several states away at school with the military) and it was nice to have her there with me for support, and also to have someone else hear what was being said so I wasn't the only one trying to remember everything!
Well, that's my story! I wish you all well!
I am sorry to hear of your troubles but you said something that I find very disturbing in this the 21st Century. Paternity Tests, and I believe these can be done prior to delivery (?). Even so you may be able to have her emancipated and receive insurance and aid from a state agency. Don't give up and just remember to be a good grandparent ;) My mother was embarassed by my teenage pregnancy but could not have had a better grandchild. And being young enough to enjoy the great grandchildren as well.
B.
This happens to hit home for me b/c i got pregnant at 17 and although my mom was very supportive i relied a lot on her... my advice to you is make her realize that you love her but you will not be the mother to this child.. and there is help out there i got put on medicaid to help with my medical bills so my mom didn't have to foot the bill... trust me your daughter needs you right now and i understand that you are upset and it may be imbarrasing but when your step grandchild gets here it won't be the same way.. your daughter may be acting out b/c of your disdain she knows she messed up trust me b/c i knew i did but my mom made sure i dealt with my child she was there for support also though and you need to be whether you feel like it or not.. i can't stress enough how much she will need to know that she can count on you and her father for not financial support but emotional support just think it's hard to have a child when you are mature enough but really hard when you are young.. if she ends up anything like me i lost all my friends except the true ones.. i learned a lot my son is now six and healthy i am on my own with a fantastic job i take care of him on my own with no help from his biological father but i found a great guy who accepted me and my child and raises him as his own.. i know you are upset now but look to the future and think how much this baby needs your love too... it is still very hard for me i still look so young everyone thinks my son is my little brother but i am his mom and i am glad i had him regardless of the hard times i had along the way
I think maybe you are having more difficulty with this than your husband is because you are afraid you will end up being the one raising this kid. I think you and your husband should tell your step daughter that since she has chosen to behave like an adult (by getting pregnant) that she will be expected to behave like an adult in taking care of the baby. Cut her off, if she refuses to work, no financial support from you. If she quits school, no support of any kind. Tough love I guess you'd call it. But it sounds to me as if she will continue to take advantage of you until you do something drastic. Not wanting to be on her feet is a crock. I worked just as hard when I was pregnant with my three kids, as I did before I was pregnant. Unless there is a medical reason for her to stay off her feet, it will not hurt her to work. Sounds like a welfare mom in the making. You need to put a stop to her using you now, because it will be even harder once the baby is born. Dorothy
I am also new to mammasource, but your story caught my attention.
I am sure having a pregnant teenager is pretty hard to deal with and even more if the father wants to act like it has never happened, i think most fathers would probably go through the same thing. Not wanting to admit that his little girl is giving birth.
From being a step mom of a 21 and 17 year old step daughters, i can relate somehow. I am sure that she is disapointed enough in her self and is probably looking for some moral support and friendship. She is looking for some guidance on what to do whether she will admit it or not. Getting a job is important for the future of her child and your grandchild. You may be the one that needs to make her realize how important it is, but in a suddle way. Just remember she is still just a child herself, and her education is still going to be a big part of that future. As for her medical bills i am not for sure where you live but can she not get on some type of DHS help for future mothers.?
I hope i have helped.
My mother went through the same thing with my brother and his girlfriend. Think about how she ended up choosing this path. Your stepdaughter is looking for love in the wrong places, and has just believed the hollywood story of sex and love. At least she's not getting an abortion (yet). The more unconditional love she gets from you, the less likely she will hurt you further. Think of the baby. This will be your grandbaby! A wonderful thing! If you stay close to your stepdaughter, you will most likely have a good relationship with the baby, like my mom does with my nephew. She needs to apply for WIC, drive her there if necessary. Her daddy needs to be a loving, supportive part of this, too. I've worked with many women in this situation and the parents are KEY to success here. You might need to step in and raise the baby, or find it loving parents if things get worse. Adoption is a heroic thing to do if it comes to that.
In five years, your stepdaughter will most likely have grown up a bit and may just be the responsible adult you want her to be. With loving support, she'll get there. My brother did.
I know this must be difficult. I have a bit of experience from both perspectives. I became a momma at age 16. I know my parents must have been ashamed in the beginning. Thankfully they didn't show it. Although they were very low income, they never mentioned the financial burden that I surely put on them.
I got my first job at our church keeping the babies on Sunday morning. I made $5.00 a week. ( now I think about the shame my grandfather must have felt, he was the choir director), but he never let it show.
When I turned 17, I was old enough to take the test for my GED. I studied all during my pregnancy and after. I narrowly passed the test. My family suprised me with a "congratulations" party.
When I turned 18, I enrolled in the community college. I wanted to be a nurse. Well, to make a long story not so long, two children and one divorce later, and at age 32, I graduated from nursing school. I have been a pediatric nurse for 12 years.
Although we had many rough times, It has been so worth it to me. My children are still the greatest joy in my life, along with my husband of 9 years now.
Six years ago, my prescious first born son announced to us that they ( he and the girlfriend) were expecting a bundle of joy! My first words were, "what happened to the birth controll pills"! I was very upset because they were in no way prepared to be parents. My second words to them were the threat that "I'm not raising a grandchild"!
Little did I know how great it would be to have this baby in my life. He has brought new life into our house "on weekends"! We are not raising a baby but we do have a swingset in the backyard again and I clean wee-wee off the potty seat when he's here and lots of other great things!! I cherish almost every minute with him.
We can't always see through the muttle to realize that all babies are a blessing. I hope you can love your step daughter in spite of her mistakes. She won't be a perfect parent and she won't do things the way that you would, but she's going to give you a perfect gift. You just wait and see.
Good luck to you and your family. Be strong and keep your head above shame. We all fall short...
...Shari...
Your daughter has probably found herself in a much harder to accept position than even you have...it will be much rougher of a go without your support. There is not much else you can do but support her...there is a baby on the way.
Perhaps you are dealing with a bit of overstress, post-partum depression and just a little worry over how you will take care of one more mouth. Relax a little and pray-it will, in the end, turn out exactly the way it is meant to.
I'm writing this very carefully as I compose my thoughts. First, my heart goes out to you, it seems you knowing what motherhood is about may be just a little overwhelmed right now with what you already have on your plate and knowing the changes that will come into your life in July. That is understandable. I would guess her father is dealing with this (or not) as best he can right now. Hopefully they had a good relationship or can develop on through this. Certainly this is not what you had hoped for your stepdaughter. Be that as it may, it has happened. As you know it is not the first time and will not be the last. My daughter is 33 and just had her first child after 8 years of marriage. However, I taught high school and realize the pressure, etc. some kids are under and as I would comment before my daughter got married, "she had the same plumbing as every other young lady". Now that your stepdaughter is pregnant, know that all children are created by our Maker and there is a purpose for this child's upcoming birth. He or she is and will be a unique individual formed in God's image. Who knows what he/she will grow up to be. Sounds like there are several aunts and uncles to love this baby as well. Is there a comfortable relationship with her mother? If so, that will be a plus. If not, what about the father's family? Regardless of his denial, someone is the father of this baby. Medical tests can prove that eventually and he has a legal obligation to help support the child, you may or may not want to check into that. If he is underage, what about his parnents and some support, financial and emotional from them? Right now you may need to step back as much as possible and let time handle this. Your stepdaughter may be even if she will not admit it, probably is as thrown by this as you and her father are. Depending on her attitude you all three can work through this, it will not be easy. If she plans to keep the baby that will have to be worked out. If not, that can also be decided and steps taken to find and adoptive family. Is she getting pre-natal care? Where you live may possibly effect that, some areas have more available than others. After the baby comes there is WIC for some assistance and possbile other avenues you may can pursue. This just happened in our church to a young lady with a very supportive family (same situation with the father) and the church gave her a wonderful shower with enough that the baby has almost all he needs for the first 9 months to a year except food. Actually in our little southern church this has happened at least 3 times within the last 6 months or so. Things always work out one way or another depending on how the participants can relate. Do you through your nursing classes have someone you can talk to? With a 5 week old baby yourself, no wonder you have a full understanding of what is ahead. God bless you and know we are praying for you and your family.
I am new to the mamasource board. One of my daughters sent me a greeting from the site. When my youngest has 17 years she came to my husband and myself and told us the same thing. I beleive at that time it was really hard for her but she did tell us. We to was in shock and I asked her what did she want us to say and at that time all she asked for was a hugh and for us to tell her we still loved her. That is exactlly what we did. We realized even through she throught she mature enuogh to handle this she was and still our little girl and needed our help and support. We had to drop her from our insurance but most states have medical assistance for pregant moms that picks up all medical bills including hospital. Her baby was born with a birth defect he was the prettiest baby but only lived to he was 7 months old. I feel if we were not there to help her and stand by her we would never have met this little angle. It does hurt in the begining but she still needs her Daddy and her OTHER MOM to stand by her. I am also a Step-Mom and Step-Childern needs to know they can go to their PARENTS at anytime and not be judge. Good luck EileenA
Hi Jeriane,
I am a 26 year old single mother of a handsome 3 year old son and I am very much proud! At first I felt like I had disappointed so many people in my life my family, the community, as well as myself. I'm pretty sure that she is not happy with herself right now and getting herself in this situation, but the last thing she needs is the people who are suppose to love her to look down on her, distance themselves from her and make her feel low. What she really needs, as hard as it may be for you, is someone to help her realize that she is not the first person this has happened to and she won't be the last. She needs all the support and love that she can get right now. Yes she needs to work as much as she can to help save money for when the baby comes. I know she can do it- I was 23 when I had my son and I worked everyday up until I went into labor. What she needs is a good role model in her to show her how to be a good parent to her unborn baby. She also doesn't need for people to make her feel ashamed of being pregnant- who cares what people think. Your responsiblity as her parent is to make her feel special no matter what is going on in her life and maybe this can make your relationship with her even more special. Believe me she will appreciate you a lot more if you just love her and help her realize that this is not the avenue that she needs to take next time around. Encourage and let her know that this is not the end of the world that she can finish school and go to college and have a good life. I have a BBA and a MBA and she can too! Encourage her please it's already hard enough knowing that the father of her child doesn't acknowledge that he is. I went through the same thing with my son's father and believe that hurts it's like someone just stabbed you in the back and left you to die. She doesn't need you to make her feel bad- just love her despite of her circumstances.
Smile!!!!
Jane I'm just letting you know that you have 6 children not 3. When you married your husband his children came with him. It sounds like you resent his daughter because you speak of it costing you money to support her at this time. She is only a child of 17, and I'm sure most of us have different views on life now then we did when we were 17yrs old. Life is so hard today, she needs your help & support now more than she probally ever will, even though she probally won't admit it to you or anyone else. Just remember she is carrying your grandchild, which trust me, you'll love more than you thought possible, so help her get thru this rough time, build a bond with her, let her know you understand that we all make mistakes and you will be blessed.
I understand the embarrassment that comes with this at any age. I found out I was pregnant for my boyfriend when I was thirty after being very careful to avoid it. It happens at any age and it could have happened to you also. You have young children so you remember the hormonal changes, the mood swings, the anxiety of the whole situation. Imagine if you were seventeen going through it without the baby's father. You have every right to be angry with her decisions, and setting some guidelines and teaching her the responsibility of raising her own child should be a priority right now next to making sure her and the baby are healthy. If she doesn't want to be on her feet all day, tell her to get a desk job. There is government assistance for unmarried pregnant women. You can't go back and erase irresponsible decisions such as this one, but you can work on making her more responsible now in order for her to raise a normal child despite the circumstances. And when you look at the big picture, make sure this baby NEVER feels unwanted or that you're embarrassed of it. It didn't ask for these circumstances, and it deserves just as much love as any child. Just think how you would feel if someone was embarrassed of or rejected your children for any reason. The most important thing is to make the best of the situation. She needs to be an adult now that she has made such adult decisions, and you don't have to give her the easy way out. Just make sure to work on your own anger and disappointment towards her. She is pregnant. You know how that is, and no child should have to bare the tension and animosity that you may have. So work on that before the child arrives.
WOW!! I am AMAZED at some of the negative things people have said to you!! Obviously, they don't either don't realize that you are currently dealing with a new baby of your own, or don't remember what it was like to be dealing with a newborn. I believe that you have every right to feel the way you do. Two babies in a household can be devastating financially and emotionally to everyone involved. With that being said, I think you should be very supportive of your daughter, that is a parents job, but she has indeed lost the right to behave as a child (i.e. not working) I feel your pain, mainly because I remember the pain my mother went through when I became pregnant and unwed at 20. I had never worked a job, had no sense of responsibility, and my parents were already in debt from buying me a new car and financing my education and apartment. With that being said, my mother found it quite easy to let go of the pain, embarrassment, and disappointment as soon as she laid eyes on her grandson. Almost once a week she tells me how much she adores her grandson and how happy she is that she can be in the ife of this wonderful little person. It's going to be difficult for you and your entire family. I can't imagine having 5 children and an infant to support and on top of all of that a new life to support in the near future. Be supportive, show her you love her, but stand firm, and make her realize that her actions have consquences. Make sure she gets a job or at least finds something to do in her "spare" time that is beneficial to the family. Don't be easy on her, or in less than 2 years she will be in the same position again. Best of luck to you all.
I was 18 and pregnant.....it just about killed my parents...I was daddy's little girl! He hated the father of my baby....he thought..My mom played the go between. What turned the plate is that the baby's father wanted to be the father and stepped up to the plate. The fact of the matter is we loved each other and had already talked of marriage. We did marry three months after finding out I was pregnant. Although it hurt my parents they were wonderful, dont know what I would have done with out them. Oh, I forgot to mention that this happened 38 years ago. We are raised with the hopes and dreams that our kids will grow up,(be involved in sports, music et other school activities) graduate from high school, go to college,get married, have kids of their own and on and on. My husband and I had two more children before he died at age 30, leaving me with 3 children to raise with all the aformentioned hpes and dreams. I was crushed when my son dripped out of school. And when my youngest decided to have children without being married, I was upset that she didnt want a wedding. When my middle daughter decided to get married I was elated...only to learn she didnt want to get married anywheres near me, but did consent on a small wedding in Vegas with just close family members. I had no control with what they decided for their lives...I guess what I am trying to say is nurse your wounds and feelings as you must but forgive her and try to help as much as possible. By no means should you make it easy or do everything for her. There are programs out ther on parenting classes, WIC for nutrition for her and the baby.....Thru it all remember, without help the baby will be the one who bears the brunt of it all...and this baby is the innocent person. You dont have to like the situation, but you do need to accept and know that soon a beautiful new life will be coming into this world. By the way...my dad eventually accepted and loved the man I chose to spend my life with! My kids didnt follow MY DREAMS..they had dreams of their own to achieve. They are wonderful caring people and a joy to be around. Lots of luck and love to your whole family. I will keep you all in my thoughts LINDA
Hi. My name is Heather and your story strikes a chord w/ me. I was seventeen when I became pregnant w/ my first child. I was lost and alone. The first thing that she needs to do is get on Medicaid if possible. Sign her up for wic also at DHS. Whats done is done. The best thing for her is to find someone that she can talk to. There are great crisis preganancy centers all over. They usually offer free classes and counselors. She needs a direction, not condimnation. I am now 30 yrs. old and I have two wonderful little girls. It was hard but w/ the right help, I made it through it and wouldn't change a thing. If you do not feel as though you can talk to her and help her, please find someone who can.