I totally agree with you--and I've miscarried. We announced my pregnancy at 11 weeks, impressed I'd felt good enough to wait that long. With my first, I felt awful, and I was teaching, so my students knew something was up. I had to tell my work, and I felt it only just to tell my family and friends first, so everyone knew early. With our second pregnancy, I hit my first tri during the summer so it was much easier to keep a secret. But, by 11 weeks, I was already starting to show just a little, and I was headed back to school in a week, so we shared with family and friends. Days later, I miscarried. My parents happened to be at our house, and they were wonderful. We called my mother and father in law to tell them, and otherwise emailed everyone else with a simple "We are sad to let you know we have lost the baby. We are fine, but very sad." I heard only one inappropriate comment (a sister in law who'd had an abortion and likened it to my miscarriage) but chalked that up to her and her own baggage and it having nothing to do with me. BUT...and here's the crux, for me: I lost a bunch of a blood. Had I been working, EVERYONE would have known, because I would have missed at least 5 days of work. Even after that, I was pale as pale can be. I couldn't lift heavy things or I felt like i'd pass out. I would say I had a week of recovery to feel "normal" and then another week to feel like I could do all the things I used to be able to, strength wise. When I returned to school (at that one week mark), nobody knew; it was the start of the school year and teacher inservice. The hardest part for me was knowing I'd had this wonderful summer--I was pregnant!--that I just couldn't share, because I was no longer pregnant. However, the two women that had known I'd been pregnant very kindly asked if they could share it with the principal. Knowing I was still not 100%, I was grateful. They shared with him, and nothing came of it--but, had something been more wrong, he would have known why. My point being: I think there comes a point way before the 12 or 14 week point that a miscarriage is traumatic enough not to be hidden. There is absolutely no way I could have called in "sick" one day to miscarry and been back to normal the next day. Perhaps if I had miscarried at 5 or 6 weeks, I could have, but not at 11 1/2 weeks. Besides, for me, the perceptive people in my life have always known I was pregnant; I feel too awful for them not to notice, so I might as well share. The empathy I got from those I shared with was SO helpful when I miscarried: my church, my school, and my family were all very supportive and helpful; they helped me realize I wasn't alone, and that it happens to way more people than I thought it had. I was not at all regretful that I had told people "early".
because every person has their own individual threshold for sharing important information.
is that hard to understand?
:/ khairete
suz
My husband wanted to wait 3 months before telling anyone. This was because his aunt (who is about 10 yrs older than he is) had a BUNCH of miscarriages. She announced she was pregnant right away each time bc she was so excited and wanted a baby so bad. There was a ton of drama each time she had a miscarriage and I think it traumatized him. He hates drama. All the emotions were hard for him to handle too. So..he was spooked and coud not handle us telling anyone till he was more sure it would stick. If you want to tell people you should tell! It's all up to each individual person to decide what to do.
I told my husband the minute the test said positive, he was with me when I took it.
I told my best friend, who is like my sister for the past 20 years, right after we finished freaking out.
I did not tell my parents until about a month later, and then his parents after that.
I think a big part of it is if you do loose the fetus, which is more likely to happen int he first trimester, you don't want everyone out there reminding you about it or mentioning it.
As far as not even telling your husband, I am not sure, I NEEDED to tell mine, I was FREAKING out, LOL :)
And as far as my friend/sister, I was the first person she told, before the father of her kid, so I felt I needed to tell her ASAP.
My guess on why women are told to wait is because so much can happen in the first trimester. I was on fertility drugs to get pregnant, which I did 3 times. However, I had a miscarriage each time and all 3 were in a 18 month time period and the furthest I got was 5 weeks. With the first we told our parents and siblings because we were so excited and had been trying. For the second we waited until my first ultrasound which revealed that I had miscarried a week before. For the third one it was less than a week from getting that positive pregnancy test result, to the doctor's office calling with results from bloodwork I had to have done and telling me the numbers weren't rising (pregnancy hormone levels) and I was having another miscarriage.
Fast forward 6 years and after several changes in life and losing 40lbs, my husband and I took all we learned from the fertility doctors and applied to ourselves only no meds this time. I was pregnant the first try and after we dropped to our knees to pray, we called and told our parents only and asked them not to tell anyone. After our first ultrasound and seeing that beautiful heartbeat and crying with my husband, we told the rest our family and our friends and asked them to pray for us and for our baby.
We have a cute 27 month old son and when he was 6 months old, we were surprised with another blessing and I found out I was pregnant again and we have a cute 14 month daughter. With her we also waited until after the first ultrasound to tell.
I always told my close friends and family for the same reason you mentioned -- if something did go wrong, I would want their support and understanding. My close friend, on the other hand, told her husband and two friends but not any of the grandparents because she didn't want to have to deal with their disappointment, on top of her own, if something happened (and she did miscarry - twice - and was happy with her decision not to inform the grandparents).