Responses to my question yesterday and to a similar question today got me thinking... Why do people wait to announce their pregnancy to close friends and family? I know the obvious reason... In case they miscarry. However, the woman earlier today was asking about sharing the news with her husband... Wouldn't you want your husband to know if you were miscarrying? Wouldn't you tell him? I doubt you would keep it a secret forever. I was asking about sharing the news with my family on Father's Day. We are a very close family, and if I were to miscarry I would want them to know. It would be around the same time that I told them I was pregnant with my first... 5 weeks. So why does everybody say to wait?
Edited To Ad: Like I said, I understand the miscarriage aspect and I'm not talking about posting the news on Facebook or anything. I'm simply talking about close family and friends.
You could lose this baby - you really aren't that far along. yes, it would suck. yes, it would be sad. so you wait.
Would I tell my husband that I'm 2 weeks pregnant? no. It could be a hormone surge. It could be MANY things...that's why they state you should wait until your normal period is late.
the first trimester is shaky for some. Losing at 12 weeks is hard - at 22 weeks is harder.
if it works for you- do it. it's not like anyone here would be able to change your mind if they wanted to, right?
The only reason I would wait to tell my husband is if I wanted to make a big production out of it, and then it would have only been a few days or a week. I did have two miscarriages just before the three month mark, and I wish I hadn't told as many people as I did, because I had to then tell people about the miscarriage, and it was just awkward.
I think most people suggest waiting precisely because of the miscarriage risk. If you've never miscarried, you may not see it as that big of a deal, and as support to have people calling you telling you they're sorry. But, as someone who has had people close to me miscarry, multiple times, I can say that often, they just can't deal with the sympathy they receive. It reopens the wounds, and often just makes things awkward.
I apologize to anyone who has miscarried and feels differently, but that is how I look at the decision not to share early on in a pregnancy. My SIL miraculously got pregnant after surgery (sooner than they were supposed to be trying) after trying for years to get pregnant. She was so excited she told everyone. After less than 2 weeks, she had a miscarriage. So then she had to contact EVERYONE and say she had miscarried. Those are very difficult calls to make. Very difficult. I'd venture to say that after about 2, you are tired of making "nice" on the phone as you listen to other people say how sad they are for you.
It is self-preservation... and there is NOTHING wrong with it. But I am referring to sharing with others outside of your spouse. I can't imagine not sharing with the spouse.
Not everyone can tell that they are miscarrying, especially if they don't know they are pregnant. Some women just have a heavy period...
The lady who wrote about this went to the doctor, but he didn't act like he thought she was pregnant. That gives me pause, to be honest.
Not everyone wants family and friends to know that they miscarry. Some people are real private. And a lot of people don't want their co-workers and bosses to know until they are so far along that they are showing.
Miscarriage is hard enough to bear as it is. Having to tell everyone who thinks you are still pregnant has to be miserable. Not everyone can stand it...
I told my husband as soon as I knew but just about everyone else, I waited. Especially once you have other children, if you tell your family, you have to tell your older child, who won't understand at all how long 9 months is. Older kids want the baby here now or never. This whole "wait 9 months" thing isn't something they enjoy. So we waited as long as possible, until I was showing (20 weeks with my second, 16 with my 3rd, 12 with my twin surrogacy). I did tell a couple of very close friends earlier than I told our families and kids each time but they were sworn to secrecy.
And because of the risk of miscarriage, I wouldn't broadcast the news until after the 12 week u/s but that's just me. I haven't had a miscarriage but having seen friends go through them has confirmed my belief that it's not something I would want to be common knowledge. It's too painful to have to tell everyone that you had a loss and sooner or later you'll run into someone who heard about the pregnancy but not the miscarriage who will ask "how's the bun in the oven?" and break your heart. I'd rather keep something like that very private.
Oh and if you want to imagine heartbreak, it's telling an older child that the baby brother or sister you were excited about isn't coming afterall. That's not something that kids should know if it can be avoided.
I am with you. I don't fully understand. I didn't wait with either of mine. I figured if I did miscarry I wanted people to not be suprised if I was a mess. And not telling your husband. That would be too hard. He was right there when I took the test with my youngest. And as soon as the test came back positive we called my parents and then his mom. My asst mgr just had her first in Jan at 40. And she'd been trying for a LONG time and she told me as soon as she found out. And then decided to tell others after her family knew because if something did happen she wanted suport. My sister in law had several miscarrages and didn't tell anyone and I think had a hard time getting through it alone.
I too found it odd they suggested she not tell her husband. That is something I would want to go through WITH him. If I know something.... HE knows it. That's just how we are with each other.
However, I have had 3 miscarriages and 1 ectopic pregnancy (after my daughter was born) and I agree with Isn'tthisfun..... I HATED dealing with the fallout of people who knew and didn't know what to day.... or had told someone and so 6 months later I ran into whats-her-name who congratulated me because they heard from so-and-so..... but then they stopped and looked at my tummy....... awkward.
I also don't want an outpouring of sympathy for my pregnancies that weren't viable. I want to deal with that privately... with just my immediate family.
Something like "MOST" pregnancies that early aren't viable.... they just aren't. I HATE the fact that we can tell we are pregnant so instantaneosly. Then we have to deal with MUCH more needless disappointment than we used to.... we look for answers where there just aren't any. I miscarried at 8, 12 and 16 weeks - there aren't answers for those miscarriages and it's hard enough having a miscarriage when you've already heard the hearbeat.... to ALSO have to deal with ones so early that just weren't viable seems insane to me.
It's not that I don't want them to know.... Maybe if I had a supportive family I would feel differently. Mine is dysfunctional. So I have to get my stuff in order before I involve them or it gets VERY chaotic and I'm the one left holding everyone together instead of handling MY stuff.
So - this last time I was pregnant I told my husband the instant I knew and once I got sick and couldn't eat the way and what I normally ate I told my daughter - because she's 12. But I didn't share with anyone else, until I did share with my family that it had been ectopic. I can deal with their emotions when I'm not immersed in mine. But to have to have handled THEM while at the same time going through my own process would have been too much.
Because sometimes even with close family, it is heartbreaking to say, "I lost the baby, please don't ask about it."
So I waited til 12 weeks to talk about DD. I'd lost a baby at 6 weeks and my friend lost one at 9. My DH did know about our early loss. HE knew as soon as the test was positive but it was just between us. So that loss was also just between us. I needed someone to hug me and tell me it was going to be OK but I didn't need the world to know.
I also think it depends on the person. My sister is not as private a person as I am. I know all about her IUIs and we knew very early on about each of her pregnancies. I like to keep things close to the vest. I don't think either way is wrong. But some people don't let it all hang out. They just never do.
It's a very personal choice. When I was pregnant with my last child at 40 I did not tell a sole. I wanted to enjoy it all by myself. I ended telling my husband about 8 weeks. I did not tell anyone else until I was around 4 months. My personal reasons and thats how I saw it. I also knew once I told family members and friends I would have to hear all the questions about starting over, my age, and all the "really's", and the omg's. I wanted the joy of having it to myself.
I lost a set of little girl twins Amanda and Ashley at 7 months. I did not want to hear what anyone had to say.
I told early on 2 of my pregnancies. Which I lost. This made my mother so emotional it hurt me WORSE. She acted as if she lost the babies, and told all my extended family. Since we were working together, she announced both miscarriages to my co-workers.
This was embarrassing, and heartbreaking to have all these strangers know I lost babies. It wasn't their business. I love to give out sympathy but for some reason people giving me some, unless they are very close to me.Bothers me.
With my third I did tell my mother when I was about 2 months along. I also told her we knew this one would not likely make it. I was testing with problems early on. Sure enough we lost the boy at 19 weeks.
I never told my family when I became pregnant with my daughter til I was 7 months. Mainly cause was divorced and not married again, and I had no clue if I would be able to carry this one. I am heavy and I could hide the pregnancy well.
2 daughter I told at 15 weeks along and #3 son I told when I was 6 weeks pregnant, because my mother was passed away. I didn't fear the world knowing if I told some family members.
I loved my mother, but she was a big attention seeker. I didnt love that part about her. So I truly believe when you tell someone and how is your business. Its not set in stone, its not like you will be struck by lightning but its a personal choice. Respect it and don't question it.
My good friend had 4 miscarriages before she was able to carry to term. It was just too heart-wrenching and emotional for them to deal with all to the elation and happiness around them, and then deal with the loss.
So they chose to wait to tell anyone until they were certain that they weren't going to lose another.
I would feel the same way. Only tell my husband until we were sure that there would be a surviving baby to celebrate.
I'm always surprised by the women who wait to tell hubby! I always have hubby double check the test. The only time he didn't is when he was away on business, but I called him immediately.
I did not wait with any of my three pregnancies, but all three of my pregnancies resulted in beautiful, healthy children, thank goodness. I don't know how folks wait, I can't!
Of course, I did tell my husband. I didn't tell anyone else until further a long. My sister had 5 miscarriages. She herself told me just to wait. Telling people the baby was gone, was very hard for her. I didn't want to experience that. I don't want my family to carry the pain, either. And I do NOT want them trying take care of me in a time I really need space. When you are going through tragedy, it really sucks to hear "Are you OK?" over and over. Like nails on a chalkboard.
I'm not good at keeping my own secrets. When it comes to others - consider me a locked vault. But my own? Forget about it.
So, each time I found out I was pregnant (about five weeks along), my husband knew immediately (he knew before me the first time, since he got to the test first) and my family knew within a day or two. This time round, my children also knew because I don't have a quiet voice and they are smart cookies.
Apart from being excited, I told my family and close friends because I figured that if I miscarried I would want support, and because pregnancy hormones paint me hellishly depressed. I needed my friends to know what I was going through. Now, I don't regret my decision, but I will say this. When I told my friends and family (a total of about 6 people - not including my children who announced my pregnancy to EVERYONE), I asked that folks not talk about it with acquaintances until I was through my first trimester. Want to know how successful my plea was? Not. At. All.
Hah! The whole town knew by the time I was eight weeks along.
This would have been very difficult should I have miscarried (thanks be I didn't), and it was uncomfortable because I feel uncomfortable about receiving certain types of attention. It's actually a really difficult aspect of being pregnant for me. I don't like being touched or stared at, loosing my autonomy, treated differently, etc. I don't like becoming public property and pregnancy seems to invite other's bad boundaries.
So anyway. I assume that if I were to ever be pregnant again (not part of the plan), I would blab early on just like I did the past two times. That said, it might be better if I learned how to keep my mouth shut! :-) Congratulations on your pregnancy. I'm sending you health and energy!
Everyone is different. If I were to miscarry, I did not want to have that conversation with my parents,in-laws or siblings. I prefer to deal with pain on my own and then if I felt like sharing that heartache later I would. It sounds like you would be comfortable sharing that with all of them immediately and that is your choice. There is no right answer, it's whatever you are comfortable with. For me, I told no one except my husband until after my 13 week appointment. If you were to tell me at 5 weeks, I would say congratulations.
I thought like you did until I miscarried. People close to you feel the loss too and it was a further burden on me to ensure everyone I was OK and it was extremely painful for me to see the pain that my in laws were experiencing due to our loss. Witnessing their grief was just not helpful to my own healing. Therefore, I waited until I was 12 weeks before I told anyone but my husband and my parents.