I think keeping pics of his old family are ok. He's linked to them no matter what...they're family.
Ex-girlfriends...he needs to toss those. If they're no longer a a big deal to him, then why would he put up a fuss to throw them out? Are they his trophys to show off and add to his ego or something? Before I married my husband I threw out all momentos of my ex-boyfriends. They don't mean anything to me anymore.
To the other posters who think it's ok....the past is the past. Yeah they made up who you are now, but get over yourself and move on into the future. Armine, even if you are overreacting, he should consider that it bothers you and eliminate the problem. You are his wife now, and he needs to make you happy, vice versa.
Yes and Yes. I think you should consider and talk to him about why he is keeping these things. Some people just keep EVERYTHING!! My father-in-law would keep a picture of people he didn't even know I swear!! I can understand keeping the photos of his children. If he has any desire to reconcile then I can see why he wouldn't let them go even with the x-wife in them. His previous family is still family even if the x wife is really nasty. He may have a hard time trashing the pics of memories that are happy and may not be interested in cutting the x out. The x girlfriends is kinda weird which makes met think he's either a pack rat or just hanging on to a fantasy past. I found a batch of wedding pictures from my first marriage when I was moving my stuff to my hubby's house when we got married. In every picture everyone looks happy. It's a total fantasy and some people seem to hang on to these fake memories. My grandmother still has pics stashed of her first husband who was HORRIBLE but she was so happy when they got married and she has clung to that totally false memory. We still have a bunch of pics of my hubby's x that include stuff with the kids but not any that are just her or just the two of them. Instead of pushing him to throw them out try to get to the bottom of things and find out the real reason. Be open minded because I'm sure if he has x girlfriends pics then the x wife probably had to deal with the same thing. He married you not the other gal's. I'd bet it's more about clinging to the past to make himself feel better. If the daughter doesn't talk to him he may keep the 'happy family' pics just so he can make himself feel better. Either way don't allow yourself to be angry about this. Find out the root of the problem and deal with THAT instead of being upset about the pictures themselves.
I would let him keep the albums. My husband and I didn't meet until we were almost 40. I talk to him openly about his ex-wife. My husband does not like her as she cheated on him for a couple of years and spent recklessly. However, I try not to judge her. (I am hearing just one perspective, after all.) I just try to use what I hear about her to guide my actions. For instance, if her not paying the rent on time caused my husband and his ex-wife to get evicted, I try not to do the same thing! I've kept photos of my ex-boyfriend and don't care whether my husband has photos of his ex-wife and ex-girlfriends. I just hope that my husband doesn't spend all his time, energy and money on his exes.
If the "worst" thing your husband is doing is holding on to photo albums of his exes, then I think that you are better off than many wives. I have friends, all of whom are motivated, educated, and attractive, whose husbands cheat on them, rarely have long-term employment, abuse substances, spend time in jail, etc.
As a graduate psychology student who has been through a lot of psychotherapy, my question is this: What do you think is bothering you most about your relationship with your husband? I think that deep thought on this question may help you improve your relationship. It might help improve things by helping you (1) succinctly communicate to your husband what you like most and least about your relationship;(2) change things about yourself if you think that it is appropriate to do so; and (3) accept certain things if you think the benefits from accepting things as they are outweigh the drawbacks.
Without trying to be harsh - it sounds like he was not the best choice for a mom of 2 young children.....especially if he doesn't even have a good relationship with his own daughter. Maybe you should take a look at all the aspects along with him not being able to let go or ex-girlfriends.
First, have you talked to him about why he hasn't gotten rid of them? He might be keeping them because they remind him of good times in his life. (Not saying anything about his life with you. I don't know you from anyone else on here.) Second, there is no way I would make him get rid of pictures of his family, even if they aren't talking. I really suggest talking to him about how you feel with him still keeping them and maybe you two can figure something out.
To answer your question for the update, yes if that was me I would be very hurt. If he is telling you to forget your family and start at new, then he should be doing the same. It is unfair of him to ask something of you that he isn't doing himself. Good luck.
Perhaps try and think about it in a different light. For example, I still have old pictures/letters of my previous boyfriends before I met my husband. (Granted, we met in college, so it's not like there were THAT many--ha ha.) I've been with my husband for 18 years and we have a 2 year old son and another on the way. He is still the most important person in my life and my best friend. Still, I'm a very nostalgic person (and a writer who pulls from my memories often) and even though I almost never look at the pix, etc. (it's been probably 5-6 years since I last perused my "personal" box, I like knowing they're around. They are part of who I am.
Perhaps, your husband is similar? He's had a whole life before he met you and it might not be fair to ask him to throw his keepsakes away. He may interpret it as you asking him to deny his previous life ever happened. Still, I'm not sure he needs to keep it out with the rest of your family's stuff. Perhaps it would be fair to ask him to keep the pix etc in his office (if he has one at home) or even up in the attic (that's where my stuff is.) Anyway, the fact he still has the stuff doesn't mean he finds you any less important or loves you less is all I'm saying. They're just part of who he is. Don't ask him to throw it away, just maybe suggest he keep it in his own personal space or certainly away from your eyes. That's fair.
I see nothing wrong with him having pictures of people from his past. As long as they aren't out and framed or something! I think it's reasonable to ask he store them out of sight though, like in a closet or garage or something.
But yes you are totally out of line to ask him to get rid of them completely. Those are memories, history. Family History. Even the ex girlfriends. Lighten up, he's with you now, that's all just the past. Unless you see him poring over the photos every night and laughing and crying with nostalgia, who cares?
Forgive me, but would you want him to throw away pictures of you and your children together if for some reason down the road your relationship doesn't work out? He loves you and he will always, hopefully, hold some reverent place for you in his heart and mind and life, even if the future turns for the worse with regard to your relationship. The heart is deep and life is long. There is so much room to love.
Compromise means that neither person gets exactly what they want. He wants them on the shelf with all the other albums. You want them thrown away. Since marriage is all about compromise, NEITHER of those things should happen. Put the albums in a safe, but out of sight place. Explain to him why that's important to you, but don't expect him to agree with you.
We often feel that we must get others to agree with us in order for our feelings to be important and valid. That is not the case. And in a marriage, and a family, there are SO MANY people and SO MANY feelings to consider, that it's destructive to insist on trying to change other people's minds. You, I'm sure, hate it when your husband, or anyone else, tries to get you to change your mind. Keep in mind that other people hate it when you try to ghet them to change their minds.
You're saying to us, "I've asked and asked, but they're still there. Don't I have a right to be angry?" Now imagine your husband talking to his friends. What if he said, "I've shown her over and over that keeping them is important to me, but she ignores my feelings. Don't I have a right to be angry?" You very much want him to see things your way, but keep in mind, he very much wants you to see things his way. If one of you is wrong to have those feelings, both of you are wrong. Try to remember that this isn't about right or wrong, or who is loved more, or who gets their way. This is about being sensitive to other people's needs. People have a right to their own feelings, even if other people, even their loved ones, disagree. You have a right to your feelings. He has a right to his feelings.
Learn to compromise. Each person gives up something, and each person gets something, in a compromise. Good luck!
i don't see why he can't keep the photos..they are memories ...maybe you're not secure w/ your relationship? if you were it wouldn't bug u...i remember when my mother got my father's old photos out and cut his ex wife's face out of all his old family pix..he didn't have many...even as a child i found this to be so ugly. I have photos of ex's ...i would be creeped if i had a new man in my life and he demanded that i get rid of all old pix w/ any ex's in them..that seems so needy...controlling etc..who cares...they're a thing of the past..just have him put the albums in the basement/garage or somewhere out of your view. I'm just not a jealous person unless i'm being cheated on & if that happens i just end the relationship or i work it out. So as u can see i'm not on your side w/ this one..stop focusing on some old pix and enjoy your husband he's with you isn't he? so what if he has some pix of his old family..what if you guys didn't work out would u not want him to have any pix of u guys?
Pictures are just pictures. You both had lives before your marriage. Each of you deserve
to have your memories. What about your boyfriends pictures? I think it's fun to look back with your children and let them see how funny you looked back then.... I have jewelry in my jewelry box and trinkets of old high school sweet hearts... I do not wear them, but keep them in a memory place. Now, these are only one or two pieces. Not a big stash. And my Husband has a few too. Why be jealous??? I have a wonderful husband and he trusts me too.
If the pictures are just sitting there, it's no big deal.
Choose another battle worth fighting for.
Keep the pictures in the albums. If there are 2-3 albums that is fine... if there are 10 albums of pictures, offer to organize them or put them in a keepsake box in the garage where they are preserved and safe. He will appreciate you for this act of kindness.
I think he had a life before you and once you chose to marry him, you chose to marry all of him (past included). I once threw out my old prom photos so my husband wouldn't be upset about it. As we look back on it, I'm sad that I don't have those memories of being young and wearing nice dresses and he realizes (now that we've been together for longer), that those were memories worth keeping because they made me who I am today. Your husbands photos are even more important than prom photos - some of those are his children. Even if he doesn't communicate with them, it is all he has left of them. Don't take it away from him for your own satisfaction.
Yes, dear, I think you are overacting. As long as he loves you and is faithful to you, let these reminders of the past rest on the shelf. They are, after all, part of his history. Ginger
He is a nearly 60 year-old man.. that's a lot of history. And how would you feel if someone asks you to erase your history, be it good or bad? A life of memories can make us who we are...(again be it good or bad). Sometimes it's healthy to reflect on our pass...and pictures are a way to do that.
i think you should let this go and love your husband. Maybe being that you are much younger than him, you still have a long road ahead to learn a few things about life's journey...things that he's mature enough to know about and able to separate (the difference between) pictures/memories and actual feelings/relationship.
i'm only 34...i sure know that i have a lot to look forward to and learn in growing older.
yeah, this would urk me too. but he will always love his older daughter, talking or not. why not move his past family album on the other end of the shelf. you and ur babies will make new history with him.
The people who are no longer in his life still helped make him the man he is today. He probably thought that since you never said anything about the old pictures, it didn't bother you. Do you think you could be content with the items just not being on display - maybe boxed up in the garage or at public storage? That way you aren't forcing him to throw away his memories but you don't have to be reminded that you weren't the only woman in his life.
Be especially careful about the subject of the daughter from the previous marriage. Remember your children are her half-siblings. If she ever softens towards her father - you could end up with a lot of enmity thrown your way and you wouldn't want your children to get any collateral damage.
This is just me, but I wouldn't ask my husband to get rid of these albums. I would definitely keep them away from the kids and make sure I felt secure about WHY he was keeping them, but it's part of his history. Just me.