We have been married for four years with 2 little exceptional children. But my husband who is 59years 25 years older than me still keeps the pictures of his previous family: wife with who he has no relationship since after nasty divorce, daughter who doesn't want to see him and most terrible his former girlfriends'. the albums are sitting safe and secured in our library next to the albums of my children. i had been nice and patient all this years waiting for him to do the first step but i can not any more. i took them all out and told him to get rid of them. what whould you do? am i overreacting or acting too late?
Hmmmm... I can see your side, but you have to remember that he IS much older and has lived a life that he probably wants to keep pictures of so he can look back on it as he ages further. Those ARE his pictures and, in my opinion, you need to work on being more secure with yourself so that you don't care if those pictures are around. I have photos of my ex's and my hubby has pictures of his ex-wife still around. I don't care because i know he upgraded and if the time ever came to part ways... he would be missing out.
This is something that probably should have been addressed prior to getting married, but to INSIST that he void his life of his photos... probably only going to cause more trouble. Ask him if he would be willing to store them in a photo box maybe under the bed or in the closet or in a sealed container in the garage. That way they are not in the house, but they are still his to take out when he would like to. My hubby is 13 years older than I am and i know that there are things that he is very set in his ways about... this might be one of his.
good luck though but don't let photos be something that would destroy your marriage.
I would say over-reacting big time.
Just imagine if in 25 years your 2nd husband insisted that you throw away all the photo albums with your son & daughter in them??? No matter what your present day relationship with your grown children... even the IDEA that someone would want those pictures burned is heartbreaking. Or the idea that the pictures of your children are contaminating the pictures of his new children... doesn't even the idea break your heart? Your babies' baby pictures, the story of their childhood, someone would want sent to the trash?
I am 43 and have an ex-husband some ex boyfriends and a current boyfriend I live with. I know its kinda hard to be ok with it, but everyone has a past. I still have my pictures from my first boyfriend to now. I keep all of it, it shows my story in life is how I see it. You can't change the past and as long as he doesn't look at them all the time wishing he could go back to that life I wouldn't even worry about it. Just be happy and only display pics of you and your kids. I know when I was in my 20's I did exact same thing, but now in my 40's I am more laid back now. I think that in time as your marriage goes year after year, you will laugh at it all. I know I do now when I think of all the things I was so critical over then.
He should be allowed to display pictures of his daughter whether she wants anything to do with him or not and the others they should be locked away in the attic somewhere. Sounds like he has trouble letting go or throwing stuff away maybe because of sentimental value but not to demean his relationship with you. But I wonder though what is really bugging and why these pictures make you feel second best in his life, the pictures are a symptom of something much bigger.
The past? It is either here to teach us or haunt us, we get to decide. I will not tell you what I think I right or wrong here, I will share with you what I know.
I know that everyone comes into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
I know that every single person in my past helped me to be who I am today.
I know that everyone I am to still meet will help me shape who I am becoming.
I know that I have many mementos, pictures, cares, notes etc, from people in my past because they remind me of who I am, who I was, and who I want to be.
I know that without every person who has touched my life, I would not be the person I am today.
So no advice, just a couple of questions…
1. Is he "pining" for the people or the past he no longer has?
2. Is he "wishing he was there"?
3. Is he speaking endlessly of "what was"?
4. Or is he just human and want reminders of the special people in his life who helped him become the man you fell in love with?
You get to decide what the pictures mean to you.
Barbilee
Family Success Coach
This the "serious relationship" problem that you have? That your husband keeps old photo albums? They aren't hidden away, they're just on the shelf like your old high school yearbook. Good grief!
When I look at your age and his, I think about how your husband was an adult grown before you were even born. You married someone old enough to be your father. Accept it, he has many years more experiences and memories than you do. Asking him to get rid of the pictures of his life, before you came into it, is not going to make that past disappear.
Everyone has things and spaces that belong to them alone. Those albums are his personal property and really none of your business. Be respectful of him and his personal space. Leave it be.
I am sorry if this doesn't sound very nice toward you...but it's the holiday season, you have a husband, home and precious children. Quit looking for trouble and concentrate on making a happy home and lovely holiday for you all.
I'm sure it's hard for you, but I did throw out a lot of old pictures of me with ex-boyfriends when I was in a relationship and I wish I hadn't. Not because I wish I was back there, actually just because they are fun little memory markers of times in the past. As long as he is happy now, with you- don't take it personal that he doesn't want to get rid of old memories. I do know it's hard, it's natural to wonder, but try to understand that he may just want those reminders of different times in his life- we all do sometimes. I'm very happily married, and sometimes I like to go down memory lane and remember what things used to be like... I don't wish to change anything, just relive the good once in a while. Like everyone else has said... he was an adult before you were born- you can't expect him to be in the same place you are.
My question is WHY DO YOU FEEL THREATENED by the fact that he keeps the old photos? We all have past lives but it doesn't mean we still want to be with our ex's. It's not like he's displaying these photos. I have photos from my past and some of them do include photos of people that are no longer in my life. So what? It brings back memories for me and that's it. I never understood why people get so jealous over old photos! You are married to him now and it sounds like you are over reacting. The 25 year difference may have something to do with it but there is no reason why you should ask him to throw them out.
I am with you on pictures of old girlfriends. That may seem a little strange. But I think it is unreasonable to ask him to get rid of children and their mothers pictures. Right now he may not have a relationship with his daughter but in the future if he does she may want to see these pictures.
I am a product of a second marriage so I understand. If you had a child from a previous marraige or relationship I am sure you would want to keep the pictures of him.
It seems as though you are feeling a little insecure and should talk calmy with him about it.
Hi Armine-
I think as long as he's not bringing out the pictures all the time, tand pining for the past, then it's ok that he has them. The fact is that he does have a daughter from a previous relationship, and while she may not want to have anything to do with him now, she might later. I personally think would feel awful if I had that kind of relationship with my child and would hope that after she gets older and away from his ex-wife's grasp, she might come back. Looking at pictures of his daughter would be normal. The other pictures are part of his past, but they are still his past and his experiences and I think it would be wrong to insist that they be thrown out.
Hi. If it is just the one photo albumn and he is sentimental and wants to hold on to some pictures from the past, I see nothing wrong with it. I am happily married to the love of my life for 16 years now and I have a box with pictures and cards from previous boyfriends in my closet. It sounds like you are overreacting, but I am aware that there may be more to this. If he just wants them for sentimental reasons maybe he can put the pictures in the garage...not keep them on display in your library.
It seems unfair of you to make him get rid of all his old memories - he is married to you now - making new memories - but that does not mean he can't enjoy the memories he's gathered for 59 years...our history makes us who we are today - even though we live in the present - there's nothing wrong with enjoying our memories of the past. What you are doing is something a high school girlfriend does...it's immature and unfair.
Honestly, I think you're overreacting. It's part of his life history that didn't go away when he married you. I think the bigger question is why you feel so strongly that he get rid of them. Do you feel threatened by his past relationships? Do you feel he values them more than his relationship with you? They're just pictures. Is it fair for him to ask you to throw out all pictures of you with past boyfriends?
If he's willing, he should ship any former wedding/family pics, that aren't sentimental to him, to his daughter. She may not want them now, but maybe for her future children to show them their history.
Again, they're just pictures. Take a deep breath and realize he's with you, not those other women. He chose you.
Honestly, guys keep everything. I think he is just trying to keep the memory of the good times with his previous family. I think it shouldn't be a big deal. Just have your family now everywhere in the house. His albums and boxes of stuff should be in a room together and away. He loves you and has a new family with you. Women remember their ex's and usually don't keep things. Guys are more visual and keep their shit. It bothered me but eventually, they might be burned, but when he is ready to. He needs to make that choice, not you because you will look like the over-reacting jealous wife. I know you are not, so just let things take its course. He will come around, maybe not soon, but when you don't care anmore, he might do it. Good luck and just remember, he LOVES you and has beautiful kids with YOU. Just enjoy each other. Have a nice day. ;)
In my honest opinion, I think your husband keeping pictures of his previous family (including his wife) is fine, because those people are an important part of his life, even if he has no relationship with them. You are overreacting to him keeping pictures of his family.
Now, as for keeping pictures of his former girlfriends, those he should toss. Even if those pictures are gone, that doesn't mean he isn't going to think of or remember them in anyway. So talk it over with him and explain why you don't want him keeping those pictures of former girlfriends.
I think you are def overreacting here. I have pictures of old boyfriends in an album, it doesn't mean I don't love my husband and am not happy with my life, it just means I had other relationships that made me the woman I am today. I dont' take out the old albums all the time and look at them but I like that they are there and I can look at them if I feel like it. They're memories, nothing else. I won't erase my past just because it's gone.
Now I would ask myself the question, why does it bother you so much that he has those pictures? Like the other people said, it's just an album, it's not hidden, he's not sneaking around. Are you afraid that's what's going to happen? Don't feel threatened by it, honestly, it's no big deal.
i see why these mementos might make you feel insecure about your relationship. but keep in mind, you're asking him to get rid of his past. his past made him the person you fell in love with. keeping these things doesn't mean he loves you less than them. these albums are no threat to you. sure, right now his daughter doesn't want to see him, but that may not always be the case. you should focus on making new albums of your life together.
This is hard. Don't say a word. Let it go. Pictures are just
pictures. Concentrate on being nice and loving to your husband. Make him the center of your world and he will be
so glad he married you. The pictures will reminded him of how much better life has become.
Bonnie v.O.
Hi Armine,
Let it go. He had a life before you that made him the man you love. He's with you now; what's in the past is past. My husband has tons of old pics of his old girlfriends and I not only scrapbooked them for him, I had him tell me all about them. It was great hearing stories from his BS (before Stephanie) life. Turns out I went to school with most of their younger brothers and sisters and we had a great evening recalling our pasts. All these women were welcome guests at our wedding 19 years ago and we're all still in touch today
I think the serious relationship problem may be why you're so freaked out by old photos. Would you/have you exorcised YOUR past for him? What would it say about a man who would request that of you? Is this issue something behind which you're hiding? Is there something else that's the real problem?
Good luck, Armine.