Over the past couple years, our first grader has been periodically evaluated for Asperger’s syndrome. He certainly has a lot of Aspergers-type characteristics… mainly difficulty with social cues and alot of social awkwardness. He is extremely gifted academically and has an obsession with statistics. He also has some sensory issues. But we have mainly focused on treating his extreme anxiety, which was interfearing with his everyday life. His has been in therapy and has done extremely well. He is still very anxiety prone, but has learned some helpful ways to calm himself in certain situations. Our concerns have now shifted to how he is doing socially in school. He has a really hard time fitting in and it just breaks my heart. He tries to talk to his classmates during freetime, but he just does’t do it “right”. He will just interject whatever random thing is on his mind and just trail on talking even if they are clearly disinterested. Today after school, i was watching him play football with a group of boys. I only watched the last 10 mins or so but it was just torture to see. He was clearly very excited jumping up and down constantly and running around like crazy. The thing is that the other boys were very annoyed with him. He kept going up to kids trying to whisper “plays” to them. Half the time he was just saying weird, goofy things- like he was having a conversation with himself and noone was listening. At one point he caught the ball and someone screamed “put it down!”, which he quickly did, and another boy picked it up to run with it. He has been telling me for weeks about how he plays football at school and I have been so excited hearing about it, thinking that he has found a “niche” and is able to relate well with the other boys. What I saw today was the exact oppisite- they likely never even agreed to let him play, he just probably joined in. This is so hard, because he is oblivious to the social cues they are giving him and so he doesnt realize they are all giving eachother annoyed looks and are trying to avoid him. And he just LOVES football so much. How can I possibly address this with him? He is very sensitive and tends to have a low self esteem at times. I would hate to discourage him from joining in with the other kids after that is what we have been encouraging him to do for so long. But I’m just afraid that eventually, the other boys will not be so tolerant of him and will say something very hurtful. If that happened, it would just shatter his world. My son is the most sweet, thoughtful, creative little boy. When you get him alone and are just talking with him or hanging out, he is super cool and mature. He just has such a hard time with kids his age…he gets nervous and quirky and doesnt act appropriately. Over the past month, he has been very quiet and sad looking when he comes home from school but wont tell me anything. He wants to have friends so badly and I fear that hes starting to realize that the other kids think he’s “different”. Anyways, I guess I was just looking for support or advice on what I should do…particularily with the football situation. I’m just feeling very sad and helpless right now.
I understand how you feel. All I can say is he will grow into his brain.
He will never have what most consider a normal childhood but I don't think it is a bad childhood. I have asked Andy, my son, does it bother him that the kids ignore him, he tells me no. He says they just weren't interested but I felt like talking about it. He looks like he tries to fit in but just doesn't seem fussed that he doesn't. I am not sure if that makes sense.
My Andy is in 7th grade and is by no means normal socially. Thing is some of the kids have matured to the point where they appreciate the differences more than make fun of them. Andy knows and understands things they do not. Now they listen when he rambles about science because it is their homework he is explaining. I am not sure if any of this makes sense but Andy is growing into his brain. :)
I just realized I didn't exactly answer your question. Hum, wonder where Andy gets it. There isn't really anything you can do but be there for him. Just loving him and caring about his feelings is enough.
My heart is just breaking for you and your little boy. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. It sure does sound like Asperger's, my cousin's son has this but was not diagnosed until he was 18 and graduating high school. My cousin and his wife just struggled and struggled with him over and over but Asperger's was a fairly unknown so they had no idea what was wrong with him. He spent most of his childhood alienated from his peers. The great news is, once diagnosed, they got a medication that helped him work with it and now he is a straight A student in college studying sports journalism and statistics (not surprising).
I wish I had a a way to direct you to make this easier for you and your son. I might start with getting second and third opinions on what is going on with him if it is not Asperger's. I know a big thing that helped with my cousin's boy is they treated him as 100% part of the family, not any different then the other kids and shed LOVE all over all of them equally. They constantly instilled in him that the way people behaved towards him was their problem, not his. He was so convinced of this that by the time he was diagnosed, he was dead set on not taking medication because he was convinced there was NOTHING wrong with him. In short, the pain was with the parents more than the boy.
All in all, I would maybe see if there are groups that get together as play dates with other kids in the same situation, maybe he will find it much more fun to play football with kids that play back.
Good luck!
My nephew is high functioning Asperger's syndrome. He went through a lot of therapy to learn the cues, to learn appropriate responses etc..
If you do not want to send him to therapy there are a ton of books that cover this subject and you can learn some of the therapies to help him.
Remind him that football is a game. Find a book that explains how to play and read it to him. You can sy you have not always understood how to play football so you thought the 2 of you could learn together.
BTW, my nephew is now in high school (private) and does play football (2nd string) , he plays the guitar with a group. He is bright but he is also a typical boy. Does not want to do homework. Will do it, but not turn it in.. and then ace any test.. Drives his mom insane..
The girls like when he attends dances beause he is willing to dance since he is not embarrassed or self conscious! ..
If you can do play therapy it helps. My first child is the same way. Everyone thought I worried for no reason, but she still struggles 6 years later. We also started invited one child over for an hour and a half to play. I made sure it was fun. Longer playdates or more than one child were disastrous.
I am going through the same thing with my 8 year old. He has been evaluated for aspergers and add neither quite fit I guess. He too is super smart, mature and quirky and has a really cool personality but a hard time making friends.It breaks my heart and sometimes I have to actually force myself not to micromanage him all the time. He doesnt understand social cues at all and will say and do weird things. He gets over stimulated or something with other kids. He played baseball on the same team since he was 4 and it was painful for me to watch. The older he got the more they treated him like a weirdo. He loved baseball and was so excited to play but even the adults just kind of blew him off. I have three older children and none of them have ever had these issues at all. A friend of mine suggested karate and I am not sure exactly why but it has helped alot. It is an independent sport so he gets rewarded based on his own work(unlike baseball). He really likes it and for some reason their seem to be alot of "quirky" kids there. It has helped his self confidence tremendously and it gives him something that he is good at and an interesting topic of conversation with other kids.It has also helped with goal making and self discipline. It might be something to look into.
Talk to his teacher.
At our school, my son is occasionally asked to "buddy" with another kid--with autism or Aspergers, etc. It helps them to know that they can count on someone to guide them and "have their back".
Does your school have an autism support classroom? Sometimes they role-play or do social skills.
Just for encouragement, my co-worker's Aspie is now in HS, has a handful of good friends, and is in the school band program. He loves it, gets straight A's and has a cool little social life!
He'll be OK. Promise. He's gonna find the friend that's the ying to his yang and it will be a wonderful thing.
All the best!
I would advise you to seek out his teacher and your school district's special ed. resources to help your son. More and more students are diagnosed on the autism spectrum, so school districts are learning methods to help aid these children more and more as well. Does he have an IEP (individualized education plan)? Even if he is very capable academically, sometimes special ed teachers can work with him one on one to help practice and learn appropriate social skills. The classroom teacher should be creating an inclusive environment in which all the children learn to respect the unique skills and personalities of each person. Also look for resources in your community. Is there a hospital in your area? They may have some information about support groups, or other resources to help you. Do a google search for agencies that may help too. I have worked with a few autistic children as a teacher and believe they are some of the sweetest, most talented souls on the planet. All kids at his age are still learning how to interact socially regardless if they are autistic or not, just keep being his advocate and help him find his way. He will do great things as Jo W. said, he will grow into his brain in his own way! Good luck and God Bless!
Angie
Consider trying martial arts. I taught martial arts for years and saw a lot of "different" kids bloom. It is good for their coordination and self-esteem. And most importantly it is an individual sport. He will be learning in a group with this peers, but everyone is working as an individual, at their own pace. That way he is part of a group, but they are not working as a "team" like soccer or football, where his struggles can prevent the other children from playing the way they want. Other good examples of this are swimming and tennis. Really, try one of these....I have seen so many kids learn a new skill, become proud of themselves, and be part of a group (without their akwardness pushing away other kids). Let us know.
contact the school counselor & see what can be done. The counselor will work to make school a better environment for him.
Hello, I feel your heart wrenching pain. As long as you are doing what you
are doing, and asking and learning...you are doing the best that you can for him. He is lucky to have such a wonderful mommy! I have pasted a link to a page that is worth checking into. At the bottom of the front page, there is a video to watch, it's about ten minutes long. Good luck my dear! And big hugs to your little fellow! He will be just fine!
Man I feel your pain, I have a second grader who is high functioning autism and it breaks my heart knowing neuro-typical kids don't want to accept him. I am trying something new this year, in my sons IEP I had "social skills" added (you may try this, you can call an IEP and add things all year long so I would suggest contacting your school to setup a meeting). Each day he has a "daily goal" sheet. He decides what his goal will be for that school day. The special ed teacher tries to guide his choice towards something social such as "ask to sit by kids at lunch" or "ask to join in a game at recess" or "ask someone to come play in general at recess". Then at the end of the day, he rates himself on well he performed his goal. I also have the teachers helping to guide him in the lunchroom to stick to his daily goal and at recess all the teachers are aware that he has a "social skills" goal in his IEP so they help push him.
It's heartbreaking, I totally understand. You wish so bad for the NT kids to have been raised in such a way that they'll look out for your child, stick up for your child etc... but in the end, it's not always going to be the case.
Have you tried any social skills classes at the pediatric therapy clinics near you? GL and a million Hugs to you!!!
Hi Gaby,
Your story made me tear up, I can feel your pain in your post. I love OneandDone's suggestion of a special buddy/older child/mentor. Does your school have this? My daughter's school does and actually, all of the younger kids connect with a buddy, not just the special needs kids. I think it's a great system and helps with preventing bullying, too. I have no expertise to offer, but think maybe role playing may help your son. Good luck; you son sounds like a really special and wonderful child!
Don't be afraid to be up front with him about the other boys and his missing the social cues. He needs to know and understand so he won't take it personally. Then encourage him to get into activities that don't require team work, but more individualized skills such as the Martial Arts, swimming, golf, maybe tennis.
Trust me, he'll be happier, still meeting other kids, but won't be in a situation where he'll get his feelings hurt because his actions will directly affect so many people, or the outcome of a game or the activity. For kids like this, team sports can be very stressful, anxiety producing, and over stimulating. Martial arts are very good for kids like this because it teaches discipline, is more of a controlled setting, and they can slowly build strength and eye and hand coordination. There is some team work and team building, but it is much more different and less intense than traditional team sports. He'll be much happier.
You sound like a GREAT mom who truly loves her son. I am sure he is a wonderful boy and I know it is painful to think of him being lonely. I second the opinions on putting him into Martial arts. GREAT for discipline, paying attention, focusing, also not a team sport so if he is awkward or whatever it won't stand out so much. Good luck!
My 3.5 year old has a hard time sometimes, but usually she is fine if she is around nice older children.
I think smart people have it hard, even from the start.
I'd talk to your son about asking other people to join in. I'd then tell him that sometimes they say "no," and that that is OK. I'd then ask him about a situation where he didn't want to play with someone, or something like that, to help him feel how the other kids feel. I'd probably then ask him if we could find a group of boys he could play football with, I'd then search like mad for some kids that would play with my kid.
Sometimes we create stories for the way we want the world to be, this to me, isn't a sign that anything is wrong with your son. He is just lonely, and wanting to belong.
I hope you are able to help him find his place. Kids can be so mean.
Your son sounds so much like my son--in fact mine told me tonight he just wishes he were "normal" and everything wouldn't be so hard. Mine is 11 and in 5th grade now. His social gap skills are so evident even though he is such a cool kid if you can enter into his world. We are in the process of moving from ND to MN so that we can find some better school and therapy options for him....I send you the biggest hug I can and keep looking for answers that will help him....I love some of the ideas from the other moms here!
Ohh my goodness- I literally am in tears for you. However I give you so much credit for being "honest" with yourself. It deff. takes guts to come to terms with situations like this. A momma's heart can break so easily when it comes to your babies- and you want nothing more than for them to live in a perfect world surrounded by perfect ppl. I can honestly say that I have no idea what the right way to handle this would be- I can just tell you what I think when I read your post. Your son has soo many gifts- maybe try to find a play group where he can thrive. Maybe something with kids similar to him- or a class/hobby that will expand on his talents. I personally don't think if it were me that I would point out the ways that he is not fitting in or the ways his interaction is wrong- even if he isn't perfect in social settings don't make him insecure enough to care. Be proud of his imperfections, and maybe give him a place he can be perfect in his own way! Think of how many amazingly talented people weren't socially perfect. I get where your heart is and get the fact that you want him to just "fit" in. Who wouldn't?? You sound like a wonderful momma- so don't stress about the other kids- You know, you won't be able to stay be his side to see how others are treating him, or to see how he is treating others forever- and you won't be able to change the other kids behavior towards your son. So, if it were me I would say no matter what imperfections he may have socially- God made him perfectly! Teach him that-He was fearfully and wonderfully made! Teach him to be proud of every part of himself, so that when a child is unkind to him- he'll still walk away with his head held high. If he were mine, I would focus on making him proud of himself and not aware of his flaws. Yes you are aware and I think it's great that you aren't trying to ignore these issues- however- Do you want a child who is to insecure to even try and play football with the "cool" kids- or a child who says hey look at me, I'm just like them. Bullies will always be there, and mean kids turn into mean adults! Give that boy a backbone that is unbreakable! And remember he is "Fearfully and Wonderfully made"Psalm 139:14 God Bless!~
One of my favorite books/resource to help kids address these issues is "Helping the Child Who Doesn't Fit in [Paperback]" Hang in there. He sounds like an awesome kid, with an awesome mom....
Have you ever tried him in theater? In my experience, socially awkward children often excel and find a niche in theater.