My husband and I have been fighting about money a lot lately. He thinks I spend too much driving half an hour to see my family and going out to lunch once every week or two. This is all I do for myself. I don't shop, I don't get my hair done, I don't eat out all of the time. I waitress three nights a week and go to school three nights a week (my masters in education). We certainly do not have money problems. I was in an accident when I was younger which paid for our wedding, a trip to Europe, a down payment on our home, my bachellor's degree and now my master's degree. We both have a batchellor's and NO COLLEGE DEBT. We have PLENTY in savings and several hundred in the checking account. My husband just flipped out because our energy bill was forty dollars more this September than last September. This is simply because I am home on the computer doing my master's project for hours a day and I have to let our two year old watch a movie or TV while I get my work done. I am constantly giving my husband almost everything I make. We are not in any financial trouble, but all he does is yell about bills! I cannot handle the stress anymore. I tell him to be thankful for all we have. We were planning to try for another child in December, but I don't want to have another one of his children if I'm going to be trapped in my home until I get a teaching job. My husband makes just enough money to pay the bills and my money is for extra expenses. We do not live paycheck to paycheck. Lately our fights have gotten almost physical. How do I convince him that we are blessed and we are doing fine? How do I convince him to relax and enjoy life and not stress over money? He is so ungrateful for what financial breaks we do get and ungrateful for the work that I do to further our lives. I feel trapped, unappreciated, and borderline abused and controlled. I did not sign up for this kind of a marriage. Help!
Dear Sara,
You need to tell him exactly what you just wrote!!! - P.S. what he doesn't know is not going to kill him -- if you are working and dealing in cash (I did myself so I know) start putting some away and saving it for you - Not all at once, but, alittle each shift. Number 2, he needs to respect you as the mother of his children and first and foremost his wife. If y ou do not say it know it will only get worse, he will think that it is okay to treat you like that. IT IS NOT!!! Let him know how you are feeling.
Have you had serious calm talks about this with him? he sounds like he has a lot to be thankful for....Hopefully someone with this experience can help you more...but maybe he might need time away from you to see exactly what he has and what he would lose if you two continue to fight and then split up over it. i went through alot with my ex and all this time apart I now realize so many ways we could have changed but its too late....I wish you the best....
Hi Sara,
First of all, Congrats on everything that you have accomplished! At you age alot of people are still trying to figure things out! You husband sounds like he is using money as an excuse for something else that may be on his mind? sounds like your lives are pretty busy?! I've said this before to someone else but when was the last time you guys got together for lunch or dinner? Maybe he feels like there is no time for the 2 of you, because the cost of gas has nothing to do with anything, beyond most of our control other than doing the basic "energy efficiency" stuff, my bills have gone up to, and this is from month to month, what can ya do but pay em and bitch, right? If he thinks bullying you is going to solve anything, he is quite wrong, only create new and much worse problems, ones who try to control others will not stay in control for long. If he contiues to become aggressive with you, take proper steps, ask him to leave and get a clear head, and if he don't then you might need to resort to things more drastic, the law will help him out the door if necessary. Good luck, you have made it this far, don't falter now.
Jen:)
Hi Sarah-
I think that money is the number one sticky point in most marriages. My husband and I have been fighting about money lately as well, but that's because right now there just isn't any. I've gone from making 1200 a paycheck to 200, because I just started doing daycare at home and haven't filled up yet. You need to explain to your husband that it is healthy for you to get out sometimes and you need to do it for your well being. Also, if there is no money problems and you are helping with the finances then he really doesn't have a leg to stand on. What concerns me the most though is that you say that it is at the point where it is almost physical..if this is the case you really need to do something PRONTO!!! Sit him down and tell him that if it doesn't stop he is going to have to leave for awhile...make sure you make it clear that he will have to be the one to go, that you aren't moving yoru child out of the house. He needs to see how bad it has gotten. It's hard to say it but it really brings the point home. Hope this help. IF you ever need to vent, feel free to email me anytime.
Sarah
Hi Sara,
I am 25 mother of 2 with my own home however I had to lose the love of my life to a tragic death and raise my son alone to get what I have now I am married to another man who can't hold a job since leaving the company he worked for for 4 yrs. Your husband sounds very controlling and your not doing anything wrong I would not change a thing but I have to say you nipped it right in the bud find one wife that is not also raising there husband and I want him I am ready for a divirce I am sick of being his mother and thats what he was looking for not a wife. Don't change anything your doing he needs to change his agressiveness and controlingness maybe you need to send him for a vacation out the door until he grows up. Good Luck Let me know if I can be of any more help.
Dawn
hey im 22 years old with all the problems in the world at the same time i have one little one and me and her father have been together for 4 years engaged for 2 and its the same but sumtime we have to go to check to check Mine really cant work that much and i have to takke care of my daughter ... its really up to u if u think that ur not goin anywhere and he works to pay the bills and ur really have notthin to worry about then u mihgt want to think about tellin him that u will leave if it dont stop.. if he dont stop ... its sumthing that u shouldnt have to worry about.. if ur in it together and its what u BOTH want then he wouldnt be always tellin u other wise and makin u feel bad bc u go to ur parents or out at all.... I dont no ANYTHING at all so I no how it feels but I have never been to give him all of my money when i have it .......
it just sumthin that sux.. if u have AIM (im ) me at jill3584 or Yahoo my sn is MomOfBeast612 or e-mail [email protected]... If u want to talk more...
~*Jill *~
First of all... if he's getting abusive, you may want to think about elaving before it gets worse. I can tell you from experience... I was in that situation for a year and a half with my daughter's father. We were together for 4 years, but everything really went downhill after I had my daughter and moved in with him. First things got verbal and emotional, then it became physical over time. I stayed for a year through all the abuse, thinking it would get better, and that I needed to for my duaghter's sake, and also because I was scared I couldn't be able to make it on my own. But I was dead wrong. It was a little easier for me to finally get out, I wasn't married to him. Maybe you should have a talk with him and tell him you're scared for you, your kid and your marriage, and maybe suggest counseling. If he loves you, he'll listen to what you have to say and either change on his own, or admit he has a problem and get help.
Why do you give your husband the money that you make?
It sounds to me like your husband might be hiding some debt. If I where you, next time he starts yelling about money, I would ask him very nicely to go over all of the bills (including the mortgage), savings accounts and any other financials that you and he may have. That way you can understand more where he is coming from when he gets aggrivated about it. Maybe you think financially you are doing a lot better then you really are because from your posting he seems to do all the bills.
Most people dont loose their house over extra gas money and an occasional lunch out. He sounds controlling and manipulating. Remember that emotional abuse is still abuse, it may never escalate to physical - but it is still abusive behavior on his part. I think his anger is more about you having a few hours to yourself than it is about the money.
Julia
Hi Sara,
I didn't get a chance to read all of the responses, but I think that you and your husband need to have a serious talk. You need to tell him that his abusive behaviour will not be tolerated! My husband and I also argue about finances because he says we have no money but he is constantly buying stuff. We have a son and I know that we want more children, but I refuse to have any more until he grows up some. He is also 25. He might not be ready for another baby and just doesn't know how to tell you. Marriage counsel might also be good to try too before you call it quits. But you must address the situation before it gets out of control. Good luck.
Jaime
It sounds like it is a form of control,if you are not living paycheck to paycheck and he still has a problem with you eating out once a week with family or friends then it sounds like something else is going on there like he is feeling insecure for some reason.Try to get this situation under control now maybe with some marriage couseling but do not let it get physical especially in front of your child and if he takes it there leave and work on your marriage from two seperate living spaces once it goes there it will more than likely go there again if you put up with it.
Sara,
Someone asked you why you give your husband all your money- it didn't really start out that way, I assume. control and abuse doesn't start out right away- it sneaks up on you. Otherwise, you wouldn't have married him. Here's a link to the wheel of power and control- it gives signs of abuse in all forms.
http://www.acadv.org/pcwheel.html
Also, be careful. If your fights are nearing the physical stage, you could be putting yourself in danger if you confront him. I would continue as things are, and seek help at your nearest abused women's project. They will help you find the safest way to talk to him about counseling (it could still be an option at this point if he is open to it), refer you to counselors experienced in this, and help you get out if that's the route you choose. If you stay, and your relationship doesn't improve- or it worsens- remember that your son is watching and learning. He will likely grow up and treat his future wife the same way his dad treats his mom. It will be all he knows unless you do something. And if your fights do get physical, you will be putting your baby at risk- it's "failure to protect" in the eyes of child protective workers, because it traumatizes children to witness abuse. Please email me directly if you'd like to talk more. I pray for you and your family.
hi My name is Michelle. First does he spend money on things he likes. Do you take care of his children,clean his house and make sure all the bills are paid.and does he now of a thing call inflation.........all our bills have gone up that is what happens when the prices of things go up. you have the right to go out for a peice of mind and i give you alot of credit for doing so.I sit in this house all the time and work 50 to 60 hrs. a week. I have no life. don't let him do that to you .your not hurting no-body by spending time with family and your not going out to clubs or running up all kinds off bills. I think he is just jelious that your out with your family instead of him....Tell him if he wants he can come and You have the right to enjoy your-self every now and again....
Finances are always a source of marital trouble. No matter what the situation is, it can be stressful. I am sure that this may be a hard topic to bring up, but have you ever considered counseling? This would be a great way to have some one outside the relationship bring another voice and opinion to the table. If what you are saying is all true, maybe your husband will get your point hearing it from some one who doesn't know you guys directly. Good Luck.
I have read about your situation and I am feeling very concerned for you. It sounds as if he is showing strong signs of control issues. You need to stop giving him all you earn. You need to have some conrol of yourself and your situation. While you are trying to talk to your husband and work out the marriage , your first step should be opening a seperate bank account and gaining financial security.Then set an equal allowance for both of you ,then the rest goes to the house. Maybe even set aside twenty dollars a week to a family fun jar.
once a month take a break and go out as a family. This will keep the budget on course. As far as your arguments becomming almost physical, you need to have a serious talk, go to counseling or a priest (if you are not afraid and want to work it out).If not , leave. Maybe seperate until he can get his fears and frustrations under control. You have a child and that child will begin to treat you as he sees you being treated. He will also treat others that way. do not feel as if your child does not understand the problems you are facing, he hears and feels all that you feel. ypur feelings and reactions are felt by the child just through the vibes that eminate through you.Please think of the best thing for your child. Staying with a man for the sake of the child having a father around is not always the best thing for you. You want your child to know how to grow into a man with ideals and respect. If dad is getting to the point of almost physical abuse and is already mentally abusing you and verbally abusing you then your child will never understand that moms and women should be loved honored and treasured just as they themselves should be. Please let me know how things work out. I hope my advice helps.
hi, i briefly read some of others responses and i must say that thnk of your child first. i was in a physical abusive relationship once and everybody told me to think of my child first and they were right. things just so happen to work out between him and i and we've learned to talk things out but when i think of what my daughter had to go through and watch although she was only 2 or 3 years old, it breaks my heart. thank god everybody is okay, but i didn't want to think that that was love. and the controlling thing of your money...yes...i agree with others...why are you giving him all of your money when the bills are already paid for and he still has extra money. i think it can be a numerous of reasons why he acts this way and probably you are the only one who can know besides us. for one, try using some of your money and maybe buy him a gift or treat him out to eat with it because he could be feeling pressured depending on his income to pay the bills. so yes, jealousy may play a part in it. for two, yes, look into where the money is going. first you by yourself then go over it with him. his behavior may be contolling because there maybe something else in his life like drugs or another women. for three, you need to take some time out and think about what's going on here and what you want in the future for you and your family. take some time out and explain to your husband that you would like to talk your relationship out with him and only talk without yelling and you need to do this without any disturbance maybe with a babysitter or when he is asleep so you two can come to a conclusion. ask him what does he want out of life first and what he expects out of you so you can get the computer use out in the clear because that's ridiculous. i mean, honey i can go on and on and on. if you want to talk more in detail email me at [email protected] other than that good luck and remember you need to stay relaxed. take deep breaths and wipe the cloudiness from your eyes and pay attention to the truth of what's really happening here.
Dear Sara,
I have read quite a few of your questions, and to be honest, I am a bit concerned about you. Please check out the following website for more information www.sojourner-house.org I recommend that you look at the "check your relationship" section.
If you feel that it is a bit close to home, please contact somebody! I am concerned that he is controlling your money, and that he is also trying to control where you are going.
It sounds like he is starting to become threatening, and you might want to consider contacting somebody about setting up a safety plan for you and your son.
Be safe,
Monica
Sara,
I scanned over the responses and there are some very good points. I would suggest Financial Peace University. My hubby and I used to have major communication issues about $$. This 13 week course has really changed our lives. comminication lines have been opened up, we do a budget together every month. We spend cash only using the envelope system and we are paying off debt. If you check out www.daveramsey.com you will be able to find a class near you. Dave Ramsey also has a radio show on M - F from 1 -3. I listen almost every day. HTH.
Wendi
it sounds like something else is wrong and he is taking it out on you. He sounds like he isn't in control about something and he is trying to get control back. My name is Stephanie. I'm 25 married 2 kids work from home and I do the bills email me sometime and we can talk or get together. email: [email protected]