Sara...It seems to me that this is really not about money...I get the feeling you are crying out for help...I 28 years old and married for 8 years...I grew up in abusive home ..my mother bounced us from one bad relationship to another..them all being abusive towards my mother and I ...I think he is alot angry over something then just money to get"almost" physical. I also know from past experiences that even tho you were downsatairs and your child was asleep so you think...be careful I remember many nights lying in bed listening to mom get beat....please if you feel unsafe make a plan so you and your child is safe and also feel free to e-mail me and chat sometime...GOOD LUCK!!!
tread lightly my friend- i was once in your shoes. if your fights are almost physical now, they almost certainly WILL become physical. i was there, i didnt think it could get worse- it did. your child doesnt need to grow up in a home where his father treats his mother like that- he will learn to treat you like that. get out while you can. trust me. or perhaps he could go to counseling with you- get someone else involved to watch over you- dont do it alone like i did. please think long and hard about your situation and what your priorities are. good luck and be careful.
charity
I'm glad things were talked out
HI there,
Could he be picking fights about money, but really be unhappy about something else? Is the stress of a 2 year old and possibly another one too much for him? Is he getting enough down time for himself weekly? If not, he may just feel overwhelmed and stressed and sometimes men don't know how to deal with their emotions and stress directly. Do you two have any fun time together alone? I have a 2 y.o and a 12 week old and these are things that stress my husband out...we both work full-time and by the time we get dinner reday, eat, get the kids ready for bed, we are exhausted and we can snap and be irritable toward each other b/c small children are a lot of work, especially when you are working or going to school.
You need to have a heart to heart with him and tell him how you are feeling about things and see where it goes and hopefully he can open up too.
Good luck
Hi Sara,
The number of responses to your issue should show how much others care about your situation. Just as others care your husband should care not to put you and your son in an unhealthy home. Home should "add to" and not "take away" from us as individuals. I think in relationships there are red flags and gut feelings that tell us when something is wrong. There are clear things that can be seen here that could be dangerous to you. Please be sure to see this issue of control and emotional abuse from your husband for what it is. Be sure to make the emotional well being and physical safety of you and your son your number one priority. Your husband may act like he gets it after your talk but he may just let things cool down before he starts in again and it could get worse. Try not to make excuses for him and his unacceptable behavior when he displays anger. I read all of the responses and its best to seek out some of the websites offered to keep you and your son safe. Whatever you do don't compromise who you are as a woman and a mom. You and your son deserve better. I applaud you for keeping your family together for this long but take care and be safe!
Hi Sara,
It sounds like your in a tough situation which is getting tougher. Can you convince him to go to marriage/couples counseling? At this point it seems like you could really use a mediator to work things out - to keep it safe and respectable. You might be able to sell him on the idea by saying that he can complain all he wants about you there and the therapist can help find solutions. (Believe me, the therapist will pick up on the dynamic immediately and help you both wade through it together).
If you can't do that then you need to start thinking about safety issues. Just for some information and support, you might want to try a local women's hotline for domestic violence (even if it isn't physical). Those folks are free and supportive and very informative.
Good luck.
Rachel B.
It's not about money at all. Your husband is envious of your seemingly "free" time during the day. He knows that school work and caring for you child requires effort, but he probably doesn't equate it with "work". Visiting family and lunching a few times a month doesn't really fit into "work" neatly either.
He isn't aware that this is how he feels, just as you aren't.
You're looking at this totally from your perspective, and focused on the wrong topic - money.
He doesn't feel appreciated for his efforts, perhaps you've told him he makes "just enough to pay the bills", and that makes him feel inadequate in that he can't cover all expenses and more.
Perhaps he wishes he could get his master's. Maybe he's upset because he knows once you get your master's you'll be earning more than him, and that makes him feel less of a man.
You really have to try to get into his shoes, without making any excuses for what you may say or do that affects the way he feels about himself.
Build him up, focus on him, and you'll find things will change for the better for both of you..
All the best to you.
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Last night, we had a talk and I told him that this was not acceptable and that if he does, in fact, ever get physical, that I will be gone the next day and stay with family until we get counseling. We also discussed the equal allowance idea and he’s up for that. I made a list of upcoming expenses – birthdays and holidays and things our son will need and he approved it, so that’ll come out of his money. I’m still not sure I want to get pregnant instead of looking for a job because I’m not ready to trust that I won’t be trapped a year from now at home with no money and nothing to do… but I do want our kids to be close in age… so we’ll see. Thank you for all of your advice. I just needed assurance that I was not the selfish person he was making me out to be. I am not a big spender… I am easy to please. I am just happy we have what we have at this point in our lives together. Oh, and the fighting has always been after our son was in bed and we made sure to be on the lower floor of our home just in case. I’m not giving up on this. I can’t let go the idea that my husband is just immature and he needs me to show him how to relax and enjoy life.