Hi Amanda,
Sorry you're having so much trouble. It does sound like a bit of depression, which you are making worse by doing nothing. Perhaps counseling is a good idea.
I think you should also try setting up a schedule for yourself & sticking to it. This means getting up at the same reasonable time every day & doing a set list of chores for the day, taking your beautiful baby out of the house...to the playground...even just on some errands. This will give you some structure & stop you from lazing around in bed until 11 a.m.
Your husband is working hard to support you & your daughter. Your job right now is as a stay-at-home mom...which means you take care of the household. There should never be clutter, messy rooms, etc. If you have time to sleep until practically the afternoon, then you definitely have time to hold up your end of this bargain.
My husband & I both work full time, but he has the luxury of taking one day per week as a paternity day. I am responsible for most of the household duties - that's just the way it works out & my house is always neat & clean. But I know that when I come home on the day he has had off & I find the house a mess, I get so mad! It's his job, when not working outside the house, to keep the house neat & clean. So it's your job to keep up with the housework. If you treated any other job the way you treat this very important one, you would be fired!
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but like another mom said below...you need a reality check.
Good luck. I truly hope you and your husband work this out.
Not to say that there might not be something wrong with the way your husband is behaving but.. There is a thing called postpartum thyroiditis http://healthcare.utah.edu/healthinfo/adult/Endocrine/postpart.htm It could explain your tiredness if thats why you sleep in. It also can cause mood swings anxiety and all sorts of other emotional and physical symptoms. Its often aver looked as just being post baby stuff but it can make you feel like an absolute mess. I had it after my third and I'm still dealing with it. I know she is already a year old but the hypo side of things can become permanent and depending on when it started it can go until past the baby's first birthday. My son is 6.5 months and I've had it basically since he was born. And you never know with it what symptoms you might get not everyone gets them all or reacts the same. By the way does your daughter sleep in? My first did and I would with him some days until noon. His father and I were in college when he was born and he just jumped on our schedule. If she's sleeping don't let people make you feel bad about it everyone has their own schedule.
How can you sleep till 11 with a child???What does she do while you sleep?Anyway,maybe you need a night out alone together like a nice dinner or a movie.Like another post said maybe try a little routine, like after breakfast do some cleaning/picking up,then take madison to the park or for a walk maybe you can nap when she naps, or clean when she naps???I realize its hard to juggle everything,but you are very lucky to be able to stay home w/maddie,some mammas would kill to have that. Maybe just try a little of what your hubby wants and maybe he will give a little too!!Hope I dont sound too foward but it sounds like you just need a little jump start to get you going.Oh-and instead of her watching tv at night,maybe you could all do something together?(ice cream,play outside,feed ducks??)And then he can play his games WHEN she goes to bed not WHILE shes awake...hope you can figure this out!!Good luck!!Let us know how it goes!!
There isn't much that I can say that hasn't been said. First of all, sleeping until 11 with a 1 year old, should not only be impossible, but shouldn't be done. Don't get me wrong, before my daughter was born, I slept until whenever I wanted....not anymore....its not about me anymore, its about her. Second, dirty diapers on the floor!!! My husband would have done the same thing. Your daughter at 1 years old could have picked them up and put them in her mouth!!! I'm not saying I haven't left a diaper on a table somewhere, but its rare and its usually only one. I can explain the reasoning for your husbands behavior....he has worked ALL DAY, he comes home, finds a mess, which in his mind is your job to take care of. He feels like he should be able to come home and relax. I know the type, I am married to one! You guys are both so young, and in my experience, guys at 23 are the maturity of a 18 year old. Your husband probably doesn't feel that counseling is nessessary because he probably thinks all the problems are you and not him. Now with all this said, I am not trying to attack you or make you feel bad. Like some of the previous posters said, some of your behavior like sleeping in and being lazy could be signs of depression. So I would in the least, go to counseling for yourself. Get yourself in a better frame of mind before tackling a problem that might be in your marriage. And maybe when you start feeling better about yourself, you will feel better about your house and in return your husband may feel better about you.
First of all you need a schedule. Do you have to follow it everyday no but a schedule will give you the structure you need to organize the house and your life. Next you need to know you are not a bad mom or wife and that the fact you want to fix it takes great courage. Marriage is not easy and it is different for everyone. You two need to find a way to communicate. If talking is not working write things down. Ok now to the house. If your daughter is only one she still naps. If you are spending all your time with her while she is awake you need down time too, but you house also needs you. Spend 20 minutes a day cleaning up and you will be amazed how tidy your place can be. The part of the nap is your time, read a book take a nap but do what you want. When he comes home have a plan of what the three of you can do together. He has to see he is a part of this family. Take a walk maybe or play in the yard. again wanting to fix it is really the first big step.
Hi Amanda,
I hope you don't see this as an insult, but as I was reading your question my mind kept saying this must be a very young woman in her early twenties.
It would seem the both of you have not adapted well to the changes that come with married life and a family. These issues can be very stressful on any couple, but a young couple who have been thrown from just beginning to be responsible for themselves, to being responsible for an entire family can be overwhelming.
Let's face, it at 23 you naturally want to dress up and go out more often. I'm sure you'd like more romance in your life and possibly even to pursue a higher education. That's not selfish, that's normal.
Staying at home with the continuous needs of a very small child is both unstimulating and tedious at times. I'm sure your husband is probably feeling the same way. Without the life experience of an older couple it is difficult to see this as time of your life that will pass and you don't know what to do to make it better.
Even very mature couples experience a change in the level of their intimacy with the birth of a baby. This change is temporary, but if you are not in this together then your relationship may not survive.
Either way, I believe in preserving the family whenever possible. I would strongly encourage counseling. If your husband will not go, go on your own. As he begins to see you change he might be more interested in trying therapy.
Your family is precious and deserves every chance to survive; this will require great effort on the part of both of you, but if this is not worth fighting for, what is?
Being a family, does not, unfortuneatly, come instinctively. In addition, today's disposable society does nothing to support young couples; but the benefits you will receive with an intact family will far outweigh any immediate gratificaton you may get by walking away. This goes for both you and your husband. Believe me the grass is not usually greener in someone else's backyard. May God bless your family.
Janine L.
Hi,
That sounds like a stressful situation. I'm sure that's not helping the two of you either. It seems like you really need to sit down and discuss your expectations with your husband and let him discuss his with you...perhaps you both expect things but aren't clear about what you want?
I am a little confused after reading your request and then your "a little about me" post. Your request and "about me" post contradict each other. Honey, you are in denial! I think you may be depressed, maybe a little post-partum?
I am going to say some things you may not like, but someone needs to say them to you. Let me say I am not judging you, but you are young and need some advice. First of all, your child should not be watching so much TV at 1 year old, stop using the TV as a babysitter and enjoy your child. Play outside, go for walks, get out of that house. If your husband does not know how to "play", show him and plan some family outings when he is home. Children grow up fast and you need to enjoy every minute you have with them.
Waking up at 11am???? What?? How?? Again, I am confused. How do you do that with a 1 year old? Make yourself get out of bed and do something with your child, playground, walk, beach something.
Diapers go in the trash immediately, no question. That is just plain unsanitary for anyone to live in. To make this easier make a changing station for your babe and you set up with all you need and a trash can right there next to where you change your babe.
I think you need to take some more responsibility for your actions and get some help. I think your lack of energy and care come from depression, but only you can fix that. Go to your doc and talk with he/she about the way you are feeling.If you want to be a good mother you need to be emotionally healthy, take care of yourself and go to see your doc!!! I wish you the best and I hope you really take this seriously and get some help. My heart goes out to you and your family.
You sound depressed and just don't realize it yet. Be more active it helps! Play outside with your daughter and don't let her watch the tv. If you aren't going to clean up, then go for a walk or do crafts with her. Also, don't sleep in, it never helps. I think most woman go through a depression and a growing period at your age and you are also testing your limits with your husband. You sound like you are afraid of loosing him so fighting and agrueing is easier.
Breathe and make time for your daughter and your husband.
Work on yourself and it will help your relationship with your husband. I went through something similar at your age.
Hi Amanda,
It sucks to have spouse trouble and everyone who is married does at one time or the other. You cannot make your husband happy and if you do what you need to do to make yourself happy, he should come around. I wonder if your sleeping late and not having the energy to do housework is because you are depressed or have a medical issue. Have you seen a doctor lately? It might be a good start to figuring out how to feel better about yourself. If you need to see a counselor and your husband won't go, you can always go for yourself.
Take care of yourself and I hope things work out well with your husband.
Dori
Hi Amanda... Wow - lots and lots here... Any interest in therapy? I know a few fabulous ones in the Nashua area.
Also - any interest in a marriage workshop? Please go to www.accd.org and look up the One Accord Workshop. I can promise you one thing - it can, and it will, save your marriage - if you want it to be saved.
I think we will be doing one on Valentines Day, Feb 2009. Let me know if you'd like more info...
I agree with the other moms that suggest you are suffering from depression. There's no shame in seeing a therapist and also getting medication if you need it. You need to take care of yourself if you're going to be able to take care of your baby. But I'd also echo what another poster said about your thyroid. Thyroid problems are very commonly associated with pregnancy. In my case my doctor discovered that I had hypo thyroidism about four months after my second son was born. I am on medication and will be for the rest of my life. There are no side effects etc., it is just producing the chemical that my pituitary gland no longer is able to. So please see a doctor.
Hi Amanda,
I really feel for you! I won't reiterate what everyone has said about getting help for post-partum depression and going to counseling on your own if your husband won't go with you (I agree!).
What I would like to stress is something Elizabeth said about relying on mother's networks and town services for playgroups. Not only will they help provide support and wonderful friendships (you sound a bit isolated and lonely) they will lend structure to your day. Other ideas for constructive structure to the day for your little one and you are library or book store read-alongs. If you can spare the money, there are usually classes for children like movement, music, arts and crafts (yes, even that young!) offered at really reasonable prices because they are town services.
Just create a schedule as if your day at home were a work day (which it is) and stick to it as much as possible. Your daughter needs the routine and structure as much as you do. At a certain hour: bottle/meal. Then: walk/outdoor play. Then: nap. Then: bottle/meal. Then: playgroup. These are examples, but you get the idea. Every day doesn't have to be the same but every day should have as much of a plan as possible. Even if you plan a time that's open for anything, just Mommy/baby playtime. But there should be a schedule the way people who work outside the home know what they have to do each day. Housework can and should find its way in there. Neat and tidy is enough for general areas; clean and disinfected is important for kitchen, bathroom and diaper stuff. But you'll find that it doesn't take as long as you think!
You'll find as you make more friends/acquaintances at the playgroups and classes you'll start scheduling playdates too, which will be more incentive to keep a clean and tidy home.
For the nighttime routine is especially critical. Meal, bath, story/cuddly-time, and to bed. Every night! If you feel brave, tell your husband that one of those duties is his, not only so he understands what goes into caring for a baby (this you can keep to yourself) but also to strengthen the father/baby bond, which he is deprived of while he is working during the day.
If all this fails, you might consider that you're not the stay-at-home type. Which is nothing to feel badly about. (I'm not.) You may find you take better care of yourself, your home, and your family if you're fulfilled in a job outside the home, part- or full-time.
I hope this has helped. You can make it out of this!
To add to some other peoples messages try flylady.com
she will help you get the household stuff together eliminate one problem at a time.
amanda my name is brigitte i dont have the time tonight to answer you. i like to talk to you bye mail. simply because it sound like what i am going trough here at my home . so i will give you mye mail addy if you like and you and i can talk about this if you dont mind. its [email protected] i will talk to you as soon as i can i no how hard this is i go trough this every day thanks brigitte mello
Hi Amanda,
Janine is right on. Marriage is work and both of you need to work at it.
Please, please, please read the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". My marriage was on the rocks a few years ago and my husband was too stubborn to go to counseling. I knew that we still loved each other, but along the way we had become jaded, resentful, and then spiteful as well. He withdrew and I just got madder and more depressed. What a downward spiral!
Finally I realized that if I gave up, then the relationship was truly over. Reading this book meant looking deeply at how I played a part in the situation and taking responsibility for my actions. I couldn't control him, but I could control my own actions and (hard as it was!) they needed to reflect my commitment and respect for the relationship. It took a while for him to stop being suspicious of why I was being "so nice" to him, but that book SAVED my marriage.
If you don't read the book, at least go back and read your wedding vows. If a husband and wife truly live by them the marriage will endure.
God bless and keep you!
Jenn
Hi Amanda, I know you have got a ton of responses, but I don't check this that much anymore so, I am just seeing this now. I am 27 years old w/a 3 1/2 yr. old (very active, but calmer now as he is getting older) boy. I was 23 when I had him myself and my bf and I decided for me to stay at home. He was constantly on my case also, but I did clean and do things, but not good enough for his standards (he is total neat freak). Some days I must say I did slack, but I was tired from being up all night w/the baby and didn't have the energy to do everything. Like you say you clean and the next day it's the same. I felt like that with my kitchen also. So, after cleaning the bathroom and kitchen like I did yesterday I was tired after doing it again the next day so, other things got put off. I also slept in with the baby cause I was tired and so in the morning I would try to get up, but he was sleeping til 10:00 so, I would wake up when he did. I never told him that because I know that would of pissed him off seeing that he got up at 5:30-6 every morning. He now is up at 6:00 every morning so, that doesn't last forever. My mother used to tell me he was resentful of me staying at home. I think that may be what your husband is also. They think cause your home that the house should be spotless, but they forget that you take care of the baby and that is a big responsibility and takes alot of hardwork and time. I was depressed and went on meds after a year. I think alot had to do with staying home because I was working and socializing w/adults before the baby was born. Well, we did counseling and now just got married May this year. Things can def. work so, don't give up. I would def. suggest couseling cause it's great to have that middle man who doesn't know you talk to you and figure out solutions to problems that you fight about. I am going back to school aug. 18th and am excited to get back into the real world. I feel I have done a great job starting my son out and we are both ready for him to attend preschool/daycare without worry about others caring for him. Good Luck!!!!
My husband and I get into a lot of stuff like this. We're in counseling right now and it has helped a lot. Just learning how to communicate effectively makes a huge difference. You are both two different people. You have different priorities and needs than he does. So inevitably some conflicts are going to happen.
As for sleeping and not getting things done there are a lot of things that can explain it. Depression (which only gets worse when there is marital conflict), health problems like hypothyroidism, ADD, anxiety, stress, chemical imbalance. Even if you have none of these things you aren't a bad person. You just have different priorities.
Marriage is work, that is true, but there are many ways to make it easier and to improve it. Getting counseling for myself even when my husband wouldn't go has been a huge help. I feel better. I got the thing about interpersonal communication below from my counselor. It's also being used with people who have asperger syndrome (high functioning autism) to help them navigate the social world. It doesn't cost anything for you to try it.
Here is one of the most helpful things I've found. It's called DEAR MAN. That's just letters to help you remember what to do.
D - Describe the current situation if necessary (a diaper was put in a box that wasn't for trash)
E - Express your emotions (That makes me feel angry, frustrated, sad etc. whatever it makes you feel)
A - Assert yourself by asking for what you want, "Next time I want you to put the diapers in the waste basket."
R - Reinforce by explaining ahead of time the consequences "When the diapers end up in the box and I feel frustrated about it I'll want to talk about it I might feel angry. The clothing in the box will get dirty and that will waste my time when I could be cleaning up other stuff."
M- Mindful - keep focused on your objectives (don't let him distract you, be a broken record saying exactly the same thing over and over. "I want the diapers to go in the waste basket." Ignore personal attacks, threats, attempts to change the subject, comments. Don't respond at all to attacks. Just keep making your point. Keep going back to describing, expressing,asserting without making threats, bringing up past stuff or attacking.
A - Appear confident (once you get the hang of the DEAR part of this you'll just automatically feel more confident. That's how I feel anyway.
N - Negotiate - be willing to give to get. "I can move the box somewhere else and put the waste basket in a more convenient spot so you can use it more easily" or pretty much find out something that he wants.
Sometimes I coach my husband through this. When I USE it, it works GREAT. I can only change my own behavior not his. If you change your behavior, however, you are changing the contingencies in the relationship. That means the stuff he used to use to get to you, to try to defend himself or fight a battle, won't work any more. You won't be reacting to any mean things he says. You also won't be giving him fuel. If you use this you will always be appropriate and in control of yourself. If he remains out of control then really you have an advantage in the conversation. He won't stay that way for long. I just used this stuff this morning to great effect! What could have been a huge fight turned into a very productive conversation.
Here's another example from what you said in your letter. If you want him to play with your daughter more say, "When Madison sits in front of the TV so much I worry about her. I feel sad that she isn't getting to know her daddy very well." If he isn't sure how to play with her maybe you can give him some ideas. He can include her in on this he likes to do. Or he can take her for a walk. Just sitting on the floor with her while she plays with toys is a great thing. Turn off the TV and surround her with toys she likes and just sit there and respond to what she's doing. Maybe you can come up with ways that he can interact with her that he enjoys. Figure out how to use the "dear man" stuff for lots of conversations. Practice it when you're in a non-stressful situation. The more you practice it the easier it becomes.
I'd like to hear if you use this and if it works out.
Miriam
I'll give you a different perspective. When a husband treats you this way it is verbally abusive. I don't know everything about your marriage, so I might be way off base. But I also know how difficult it is to find your voice and the proper words to explain how stressful things are.
I do know that the woman often exhibits what is called 'symptomologies'. Marriage is a like a tango, it takes two. If he doesn't see there is a problem, that doesn't mean he doesn't have a problem. It is not one person's fault.
Getting out of a dysfunctional relationship changed my live. Verbal abuse is abuse.
A therapist is great and helped me alot before I left my husband, but he couldn't do it for me. He couldn't make my husband different, or me different. When I had the courage to take care of myself and not be taking care of his problems, that was key. Now my therapist is just one of my many aids in life, like friends, playgroups, allies. We all need them.
Wishing you many blessings on your road ahead!
PS Don't worry about a diagnosis of depression. There are many 'normal neurotics' out there who have therapists. It is one of the many tools life gives us to help us grow. Also, many therapists use a diagnosis of 'adjustment disorder.'
Don't take therapy as a stigma. For those out there who do think it is a stigma, well, you can't solve life's many problems by sweeping them under the carpet. The bump under the carpet just gets bigger and bigger and there are many people who trip on that bump besides your spouse (or whoever it is) who won't take his responsibilty.
HI Amanda. I read some of the responses and your updated post. I know you are sure you're not depressed. I figured your daughter must sleep late, so you do too. I think I would try and get up around 9:30/10 and clean a little while she is sleeping maybe? I know that being home all day with the baby is not the easiest thing...but I would still kill for it! You are lucky. This is why I'm not sure I understand dirty diapers on the bed?? No excuse there. I'm not saying your house should be spotless, just decent. Your husband may want a clean house too, but just because he works all day, doesn't mean he can come home and make a bigger mess. If he were a caring and loving husband, he wouldn't criticise you. Throwing a diaper in a box to say that you do the same is purely immature. And x-box??? C'mon. He can't play with his own daughter and counseling is out?? I am very confused with how your are happily married to your best friend. Really, I am not trying to be mean but that is where I do feel the denial comes in...only based off of what you said about him. Someone's post was probably right on about 23 yr old men...they definitly have a younger mentality then us women. In the beginning of your post you say "maybe more stress on my part". Why is it your fault? No, I honestly feel that too many women blame themselves. I'm guilty of that too. Your home all day long with her, and he comes home, plays x-box, and says he doesn't know what to do with a 1 yr old? AND- accusing you of giving the male therapist bedroom eyes???!!! Is that a joke? At the very least, Amanda, while you sometimes cannot change someone else, you can get help yourself in dealing with the situation. And yes, once he sees the change in you...he may follow right behind. If not, you'll know what to do and will have the tools to do it. I'm not saying get help for being depressed, but I went to a psychologist for a different sitation because I wanted to find the strength within myself to DEAL with a certain someone who won't change (that being my mother- but that's a whole different story!) and I can't tell you how much it helped. Do that for yourself at least. Oh, and good for you for going to night school. That's great. Good luck with this and I hope your hubby can grow up a little and take on a little more responsibility. You BOTH definitly need to communicate and work on it TOGETHER though. That is the hardest. Hopefully, he wants in!! Sounds like you do :) But please, don't make excuses for him...sounds like he's made enough for himself.