I don't know what to do about my situation. We fight ALL the time lately, and I don't know why. Nothing triggered it, maybe more stress from my part, but I don't know what to do. He works full time, and I stay home, and I get lazy and don't clean all the time, as a matter of fact, our bedroom and kitchen are a mess right now, but I don't always have time to clean every minute of the day. He complains that I sleep till 11 or later sometimes. We are constantly nagging at each other. I try so hard to let some things go to avoid a fight, but sometimes I just can't. Like tonight. He threw two or three dirty diapers into a box that was on the bedroom floor that had clothes and stuff in it. The garbage can is a few feet away. So I told him not to do it, and he said that I was a hypocrite because I have left some on the bed for the last couple of night. He also said that he thought that the box was trash. but he did it last night too. He plays on the computer or on Xbox all night until Maddie goes to sleep, and I have said that he should play with her or do something, and he doesn't because he says, how do I "play" with her... she watches tv all night. I suggested to him tonight that we should go to marriage counseling, and he isn't down for it. He sayd that the woman would be sexist. and I said, so we can go to a male, and he said that I would make bedroom eyes at him to get my way.... This is bull! But I don't know what else to do. I know that he HATES me lately, and I don't know how to feel the way I should towards my husband when he acts like that to me. help?
hi, i can only speak from my experiences.Before i got sick and was a stay at home mom. My husband would not appreiate coming home to a messy house either. I think they have the mentallity that if you are home you should be able to keep up with house work. I think he is feeling also not like a couple, because in his eyes he is doing his part by going to work. In his eyes as a partner you are not keeping up with what he feels you should.Which i think upsets him and could be one of two things he doesnt want to talk because he is afraid if he talks he may blow up or is letting you know he is dissapointed that you are not keeping up your end if the deal. You need to sit down and talk to him. I know sometimes i feel lik mu husband hates me to so i asked him and that opened the gate for a conversation about us.That helped alot, i have to remind once in a while about the conclusions we made but thats not to bad.
alittle about my self My name is tonia i have fibromyalgia and am in constant pain. I am on disabilty. I go to the ymca foure days a week to exercise.There are things in the house as far as cleaning I cant do. BUT WE MADE A SCHEDULE OF WHO BE BE responsible for what jobs, My husband has gained respect again for me by learning what my limits are and realizing what i can do.
Hi Amanda
So sorry to hear things are going rough for you. I know it can be hard to keep up with all the demands of being a new mom and a wife while you are worrying about your husband going off to war. I would suggest that you seek some sort of counselling on your own. While it's always a good thing for couples to get counselling together it's not the only way. From what you've described it sounds like there may be some depression issues going on.
Yikes...Sorry you are going through this. I guess it depends on how much you want to save your marriage. I would start to clean up a little more and focus on Andrew and Maddie. Maybe start counseling yourself. Or you could maybe go stay with your mom or friend for a few days and figure out what the best move is.
Good Luck
Hi Amanda,
I'm to am sorry that you are going through this tourmoil in your marriage.
By your description of yourself, it sounds like a bit of depression going on with you. You might want to seek some counseling for yourself to begin with and then bring your husband in as well.
With the stress of being a mom to a baby, not working and having that social connection with others, and the stress of your husband possibly being shipped off, I can see how these stressers can effect you and him.
Have you sat with him and expressed what you believe are his feelings toward you? It might be a shock to him that you feel that way.
Good luck to you.
Lisa
It sound to me like you're both a little lazy lately. You need to straighten up your house and stop sleeping until 11 (11!!!! I dont sleep past 7 no matter what!!!), stop putting your one year old in front of the TV and pay attention to what is HAPPENING in your/ his/ her life. He needs to get rid of the xbox or put it away until everyone is asleep. Your both sounding VERY immature, and its time to GROW UP. Make it a rule that from 3 until 8 there is no TV on in you house, including video games. This will allow you to communicate with eachother as well as the baby. Stop acting like a victim, and take some responsibilty for whats going on. Good luck, and Im sorry if this sounds harsh, but girl, you both NEED a reality check.
well congratulations on being a new mom.It is the touhgest job but the most rewarding. If he won't go to consuling right now i'd suggest you go it sounds like you maybe depressed. Being a parent is overwhelming at times and for moms it is someitmes easier to fall in to that role. talking to someone about how you feel. May give you advice on how to manage you relationship. remember why you fell in live have a date get a babysitter and do somthing just the two of you. men somtimes feel out of the loop intialy because they don't always know what their repondsibilities should be. i think it is easier in some ways for women.... take a deep breath mother of 13 11 8 adn 14 months Kim
It sounds as if I'm going through something similar only my husband is home during the summer and I work fulltime yet I'm the one who is still expected to take care of home and baby!
I am not credited, I am not a professional, but I have my own intuition and experience. It sounds like your husband is doing what most younger men do. The change a baby brings to your lives is monumentous for them. They never got to experience the life growing within them nor share that special bond with the little one that was already in place when you gave birth. It was all of a sudden and when they are used to having you all to themselves, having time to play video games and be essentially carefree, they are suddenly thrown into a world of doubt, worry and yes, jealousy that they can not have you to just them anymore. I see that he is a soldier and some of it may not be you. He may be terrified deep down that he is going to go across seas and then never come back. He may be not spending time with Maddie because he is afraid she will get attached and then he will have to leave? War is a very scary thing. My dad was over there for 2 years and it was hard on all of us. he didn't come back the same man, but in a way iot gave him a new appreciation for life and his family. I've spent more time with him now then when I lived with him as a kid.
Bringing up the term "marriage counsler" probably doubled those feelings. He probably thought of some quack wanting to side with you and not want to hear his thoughts or concerns and would just tell him to stop being wrong or bad, which we all know, men never really want to here.I would cool that topic a bit and take that time to locate someone you think may help that your husband might consider. I know there is a credited doctor I looked into on Auburn St that offers in office, over the phone or IM/email cousneling. He is also accepted by Anthem and Blue Cross/Blue Shield insurance plans! I worded it to my husband that I felt like he was trying to communicate with me and I just wasn't understanding. I thought maybe we could go to some one that could better help me to understand what he was trying to say to me so that maybe we could learn to talk better rather than fight all the time. I noted the doctor and he seemed interested. he actually said, "Ok- make the appointment and I'll do it!" I still need to do that, but it was nice to finally get a reaction rather than him lashing out.
I think it will also help you as it sounds like the whole situation is bringing you down hard. I don't know if you have any hobbies out side of the home, but a small mommy group in the mornings can do wonders! I know there is one once a week at 10AM, but I can't rememebr the Maine Med hospital website has the info on their Choldren's Center link. You have no idea what a few hours out and away from the house gabbing it up with other women can do for the soul.
I hope this helps and I wish you luck. Hang in there and remember he loves you.
While I agree with some of the other post here that you are depressed and the stress of being a mom can be very overwhelming... At your age I was in a very similar situation. Unfortunately mine did end in divorce but we were not for each other and I have found the love of my life now and my ex and I have a great relationship. Right now I think you need to focus on you and your little girl. Making yourself happy is what is the glue to a family and will make your little girl thrive. I would consider counseling or a life couch. When I separated I went to a life couch and he gave me the best advice "I can only control my actions and not others, I am the only person that decides my happiness so therefor I need to be the one to create it". I won't lie it did take time, there was no over night change. Have a girls night out, join a Mom's club etc... No relationship can work if you are not happy yourself... Hope this helps...
Hi Amanda,
I went through a similiar situation to yours, but not quite to your extend. What I did was talk to my obgyn and he prescribed some medicine for Post pardom depression and I also started to go to the YMCA. The YMCA is great, I still work out, my children get to join fun classes that I can afford and the Child Watch works when I need it.
My husband? I stopped trying to "change" him or control what I wanted from him all the time. I became happier, the house gets clean (my kids help in any way they can). Because I started doing something for myself, my resentment for him went away and we stopped fighting and began working together. He now is home more and we go to the gym on weekends together, work out, and then go for a swim in the pool with the kids together. Life is much, much happier and we have fun together again.
My advice is to do what works for you and what makes you happy. Happiness is contagious, he won't be able to help himself and become happier too.
Good luck and you are not alone.
A little about me: SAHM with two children 5 and 2 1/2.
Maybe you are overwhelmed by the shape your home is in. Clutter can weigh you down. If you just concentrate on setting a time limit of 20 minutes a day in each room, even put a timer on and clean just the 20 minutes straight you will see a difference. You cannot control another person, he is going to do what he is going to do. But maybe if you show you are making an effort, he will too. Start trying to fix your relationship by setting aside one day a week that you and your husband can spend 2 to 4 hours together on a date. Renew your relationship by being alone with each other away from the house. You will be surprised what these little dates may bring. Don't talk about the home at first when you are alone together. Talk about your short term and long term goals you should be setting for your family together and listen, listen, listen to one another. Don't be thinking of what you are going to say while he is talking. Listen to what he is saying to you. Listen, listen, listen. That is why God gave us two ears and one mouth. Best of luck, I will say a prayer for you.
If my spouse was responsible for a child and slept until 11 I would be mad too. I agree with the other posters that it sounds like you might have a bout of depression. You should go to your doctor ASAP. Moms sleeping until 11 and leaving diapers strewn around is not normal behavior. You are going to have a heck of a time getting Maddie to clean up after herself if she doesn't have a good example in front of her.
I really do think you need to start with yourself and talk to your doctor. ASAP
Good luck.
I can't give you advice on your marriage, but I can tell you some things that helped mine. I have a husband in the US Navy and he is gone for months at a time. I am a stay-at-home mom with a six month old. We too have had some of the same problems, such as my husband playing computer games. Every night he came home I felt like a WOW widow. He didn't want to play with our son and if he held him he was still playing on the computer. I turned off the TV. Got some board games. It kept his mind busy (which is why he said he played the games) and for father's day I got him (us) a Wii. It has fun games we can play together. Also after a day of me doing nothing but taking care of our son, it was my husbands job to give the bath and read the bedtime story. This way he was spending time with our son. And it gave me time to relax, or in many cases, to clean the kitchen and pick up the mess from the day.
As for the fights...I learned that I can't yell at my husband about something if I'm doing the same things that I'm yelling at him about. And even if I am to tired to move my little finger, I will initiate sex. One it stops the fighting for a while but it also brings us closer like we were before we had our son.
If you still want to go to counseling, you could suggest seeing your priest or minster if you attend church. Then there wouldn't be "temptation."
Also after a night of my husband complaining that I didn't do anything all day, I left him to take care of our son for the whole day. It was a day he didn't have to work. I left the house about 7am leaving him to get our son up, feed him and take care of him. I didn't answer my cell phone when he called either,(I can't get a hold of him during the day)but I did check the messages in case it was something I needed to respond to. I came home around 4pm and my husband was so happy to see me. He had a much better understanding for what I do all day and why I can't always get things done. This technique might not work for everyone, but it worked for us.
I hope this helped or at least let you know that there are others out there with the same problems.
Could be post-partum depression......have you talked to your ob-gyn about it?
The other thing is, how can you expect him to change his behavior when it doesn't sound like you have worked on your behavior? Sometimes, the working parents do have a warped sense of how much a stay at home can get done, but if you are not even putting diapers in the trash that isn't that far away..........???? Which brings me back to the post-partum depression? Do you have some kind of support group (i.e. mom, sisters, friends, etc.) that you can talk to, or that you can say I need a little time to pull somethings together around the house, "can you come over?"
Work on you first.
ok I am start with this. Get this book The five love languages for you and him http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/. It helped me and my husband a little.
Then I am going to say being 23 is new, fresh and young and hard being married with a little one. I am only 28 and it is very difficult now I couldn't imagine it at 23 when I wanted to have a husband but was still learning about me.
As for the counseling you could go alone figure out you and what you need and why you are so tired. Being that you are a SAHM and he works you both see your days as hard. you want him to come home and play and possibly help clean and he wants to come home to a clean house and relax by playing video games. Not play with your daughter might be that he just doesn't know how to deal with a 1 year old that doesn't do much in his eyes. My husband loves my son and they play all the time but I also have my son tell him about his day when he gets home or I share what he did that day with him and ask my son to show him whatever he showed me and we wacth tv together and play video games together. this may help.
The house cleaning...well if you cleaned it up it might give you less stress and then he may have less stress. It might help you feel good about you because as it gets worse you will feel overwhelmed and can't figure out where to start to clean it.
I will pray for your stress, arguments and happiness. I am sure you can work it out.
I read your "A little about me section" and it says that you are a happy family.
You don't sound happy at all. If your marriage is in trouble and your husband is not willing to find a way to work on it then he needs a reality check. Been there, done that. I am older than you which means I am more wise in the way of the world as far as marriage is concerned and I say that life is to short. Sometimes an ultimatium is in order. I wish you luck.
It sounds to me like part of the problem is depression on your part, and maybe his too. I would talk to your doctor about your lack of ambition and maybe something can be done about it. I suffer from too much clutter in my life and that, in turn, can make me depressed. It's a cycle. Don't let your child be the excuse for you not keeping up with the house (I fall into that trap sometimes). I enlist the kids to help if I can. If you gave them the option of living in a neat, picked-up house, with more room to play, versus a cluttered messy house where everyone's tripping on things, which would they pick? I realize your child is too young as yet. But you could keep the child busy with some pots and pans or something while you picked up a little. Give the child a clean rag with a little plain water on it, let him/her see you dust, and watch as he/she duplicates your movements! Make a little "tent" with a sheet draped over two chairs, put a couple toys/books inside, and show your child the special little hideaway. That will buy you some time, too. As for your marriage, try to focus on the qualities you saw in him that attracted you to him. He still has those qualities, I presume? Praise him for whatever he does to help you (mow the lawn, fix the car, whatever). Thank him for being a good provider so that you are able to stay home with your child. Many women aren't able to do that. Men eat up praise. Try to schedule some "date time" for just you and him to rekindle the spark. If you can't go out, then make a special dinner for the two of you with candlelight and "the good dishes". Things DO get stale if you don't work at them. Make the marriage a priority in your life - your child will benefit, too. Good luck!
Hi Amanda,
well, good for you for wanting to make change and to make things better for you and your family. I am wondering whether you might be having some issues with post-partum depression? You should go to your primary care doc and get checked out. It's true, having a little one to care for is very tiring, but if you are sleeping in until 11 am and having dirty diapers all over the place are possible signs of needing some help. Also, please check out your local Early Intervention program - they can help you learn best how to play with your 15 month old - she should NOT be watching TV all night - in fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics says children under 2 years old should not watch ANY TV - at all!!!
If your husband won't go with you to counseling, then go yourself. Your life sounds hectic, with trying to manage the baby, school your home and your family, and stressful with your not knowing if your husband will be here or sent to Afganistan soon. You need some resources to help you cope with the stress in your life, and the responsibilities of managing your child and family. counseling can be a great resource for you and a great support.
Therapists have gone to school for a long time to learn how best to help people manage challenging issues in their lives -
they are qualified to help you and your husband manage this difficult time in your marriage. You both need to find someone you feel safe with and can trust. If your husband won't go with you, then go alone. If you are both hating each other, then that is not good for a marriage or for your child.
Again, congratualtions on knowing that t hings need to change - there are so many resources out there for you. Please make those phone calls that will lead to a better life for you and your family.
Go to your primary care Dr. and talk about post partum depression
Call Early Intervention and ask for an evaluation for your daughter (services are FREE to families, and can be received in your home until your daughter turns 3 if she qualifies)
and then,
call a Therapist or a counseling center nearby to get the help and support that you need.
Also, try a local MOM's Club (google them) for some mom related fun and activities to get you and your DD out of the house! You can join a playgroup that meets weekly (free) and it is a great source of help, support and venting for most new moms!
Best of luck to you,
Elizabeth
I agree with what Jessica said. I am also older than you & have been there done that. Sometimes the only thing that works is an ultimatum, BUT you have to follow through don't just threaten.
I have also heard these same type of complaints from other "Army wives" & hate to say this but the husband decided he was unhappy and wanted a divorce. They never bothered to talk to the wife before hand to try & work it out until it was too late. I agree with marriage counseling but if he is not willing to go what can you do? Again give him an ultimatum to go or your done.
I have to agree with your husband on one thing. You sleep until 11 am? How do you with a small child? Who is watching her or do you leave her awake for several hours in her crib?
I have a 19 month old & one on the way in early October and I never get to sleep late or even nap!
It sounds to me like you have depression? Or maybe something else going on? Do you or are you in denial? Sounds like you need a depression/anxiety medicine. I think you need to talk to your doctor about your issues, let him know you have no desire or energy to clean and you sleep a lot. Then give your husband an ultimatum you both need to communicate, grow up and get counseling NOW!
Also your daughter should not be "watching TV all the time" at night. Not good for little ones before 2 to even watch TV at all. He can get on the floor and watch her play, interact with her, play ball, read her books! Anything but you are right he needs to spend more time with her. Good luck! I feel for you and wish you the best of luck.
I just read Elizabeth K comments & her and I said basically the same thing! I think you have us all a little concerned. Go get some help & maybe join a mommy & me group so the both of you get out together with other people. She needs more stimulation and activity as well as you I think.
I know I would be mad if my husband stayed home with my son and I worked all day, and he couldn't straighten up the house a little. I know that taking care of a 1 yr old is demanding, (which makes me wonder how you can sleep until 11am??), but I'm sure you could find a few minutes each day to clean a little. What if you made a schedule? Maybe during her nap time. You could build it into your day as a regular and necessary activity. It doesn't have to be hours of work. A few minutes will make a big difference in the eyes of your husband. I bet it would also make you feel better. I am certainly not the queen of clean, but I know I always feel better after I've cleaned the dirty bathroom or washed the grimy floor. I'm sure there are other issues that need to be addressed, but disciplining yourself about the housework a little more might be a first step.
Goodluck!