My daughter was in daycare for 6 months, she is 4ys old, and while there she picked up a nasty habit...she would bunch up her blanket and put it between her legs and would "dry hump". I talked to the teacher and she said a lot of the kids in the class and that it was a common "soothing" thing they did at nap time. My husband is really disgusted with the entire thing. I am too and need help to figure out what way is the best way to handle this situation. My husband and i have told her that its nasty and that she doesn't need to be doing that.
Wow, it's weird that all the kids are doing it. What has the teacher said or done about it. I would suggest the class not use blankets at all. In kinder I think they just had mats with no blankets.
I think adding drama to the situation may just complicate things and confuse her. She's too young to have any idea what "nasty" is and it really won't "hurt" her. That being said, it is very odd and I understand why you would like her to stop. She and the other kids obviously are getting attention and causing excitement when they do this, and that's probably their motivation to do this in the first place. I would calmly interrupt what she's doing and engage in other activity with her, like play a game or with her favorite toy. Don't let it get a rise out of you, because I think that feeds the behavior. And any notion of it being a bad sexual thing should not be communicated to her at all. It won't help since her brain is not near that level at all. This may take patience, so don't be dissuaded if she doesn't stop right away. Spending time with her doing something else to preempt it will work. Also, you definitely need to talk to the daycare supervisors and find out more information about why this is happening and how they are handling the situation. The kids shouldn't be running the show.
I agree with Mel's response, that is a weird thing! I also agree that you should check things out with the daycare.
But I think the way to deal with it at home is just like solving any other problem. If what you are doing isn't working, try something else (more to the opposite of what you are currently doing).
I TOTALLY understand that you would get worked up about this, because that would be my first response too. But you could try to be really calm about it the next time it happens. Gently approach her and take the blanket away. If she gets mad, defensive or feisty, just calmly say "It's OK.", get the blanket and put it away. DON'T make a big deal over it and try to defer her attention elsewhere.
You don't want this to become a big ISSUE and have her fighting for the blanket just so she can "win". Some kids are so headstrong.
One thing I always have to remember when I am parenting my 4 kids is that, " I am bigger, I am older,and I am the boss.". This doesn't mean that I'm mean and I'm a bully, it just means that the kids aren't going to run me around. It also means that I have to be mature and not scream like a banchy (which is so hard at times :p) Be respectful to them, but you be in charge!
Good luck!
I worked in a daycare and there was a little girl that did that but she had major issues. I also agree not to add the extra drama. I would just take the blanket or redirect her attention to something else. Telling her it's nasty may give her negative views about intimacy and sex later on. I know it's early to think about that but kids are sponges.
This is a natural thing and she will outgrow it. Just leave her alone and do NOT tell her that it is nasty. This alone can have devastating effects on her later on in life. She can start to believe that any sexual acts are "Nasty". Even though she is just 4, she is unaware of what she is actually doing. I had an issue with one of my daughters and her pediatrician told me what I told you. she has long since out grown it for over 3 years now. Just let nature take its own course and she'll be fine
I hate to say it, but this is so common in girls this age. I don't have girls, but my niece and very best friends daughter did this at this age. DO NOT punish her, it is so natural, she would have discovered it somewhere else. The only thing I would maybe do, if all these girls are doing it at nap time together at school, I would have to director talk to them. Tell them it is a natural thing, but it is something that should only be done in privacy in their bedrooms. There is no sense in taking the blankets away, they will find something else.. My friends daughter would use her own hand after her Mom took the blanket and stuffed animal away. IT will pass, it has for the 2 girls I know. I know it is strange, but it is human.
I don't think it's a "discipline" issue, it's a normal thing a lot of kids go through. I would tell her not to do it in public, whether you want to let her do it in privacy, that's another matter. Maybe the less attention you give to it the better. It's a toughie, good luck.
how do you know she picked it up from other kids? Did she tell you that? You really shouldn't make a big deal out of it or punish her. She has no idea what she's doing. She is 4 for god's sake. Just ask her if she needs to go to the bathroom, and tell her just to do it in private...I have a few friends who have admitted to me that they did this as children but used stuffed animals.
This is not a discipline issue. Some children will do this as a way to cope. It's common for children this age. Please don't tell you daughter that this is "nasty". She's going to grow up with personal and self image issues! I think you are over reacting. Just tell her that "we don't do this sweetie" and then put the blanket back on her normal and leave it alone.
she has no idea what you think she is doing. Telling her she is disgusting and what she is doing is wrong....is what is wrong....remember she won't understand sex for another 6-9 years.....she is doing something that gave her comfort when she was put in DAYCARE. It sounds like she has always been at home with mom in a safe invironment. Then she was thrown into daycare. She did what was necessary to survive. Leave her alone. When she feels safe again, she'll stop. You just need to reassure her that you are home now and she won't go back to full time daycare. And the cool thing about it is, you can threaten her with daycare when she gets to be 6 and she will behave. allow her to be innocent...everything will be fine,,, give her a BIG hug and love on her while she is young, innocent, vulnerable and your little girl.
I would say it's probably a coping mechanism she picked up due to the stress of being away from her home and parents. The other children probably do it for the same reason too. I would leave it alone. Don't say anything and since she's home now with you, hopefully she will phase it out. You may also want to try stroking her back until she settles, ie. turn her attention to some other behavior you find more appealing, but I would refrain from telling her it's nasty, that could have lasting repercussions.
Best wishes!
You don't discipline for this. You realize that this is a developmental thing she is doing.........that you also probably did at that age........you just don't remember it.
I used to teach Kindergarten for 2 years & during "rest time" after lunch every year a few little kids would do that while laying on their nap mats w/ the blankets. It's a "calming" mechanism. Any adult who does that now is relaxed afterwards - right?? Look at men who fall asleep immediately after they......you know what I mean. It's totally NORMAL & she'll stop doing it in time. If you make it "nasty" or "wrong" you will confuse her. If you see her doing it at home while she's laying down, ask her if she'd like you to read her a book for a minute OR lay down w/ her. Try to re-direct her in a gentle manner. AND remember - she didn't "pick this up" at daycare.......she would have done it eventually if she was a stay at home pre-schooler. It's developmental - call your pediatrician if you're that concerned. I guarantee she/he will say the same thing.
Your daughter is going through a stage in life that is very natural. Children this age are very much into exploring their body and usually find a way to self stimulate. There is nothing digusting about what she is doing and it is not a good idea to tell her that it is nasty, telling her that will shame her. It's never a good idea to make your child ashamed of him/herself. If she is doing this in a place that makes you uncomfotable, tell her it is inappropraite to do this outside the privacy of her own room. Obviously this is appaling for you to see. But remember, this is only a phase and she will grow out of it. If you ignore it and don't bring attention to it, it will eventually stop. Little girls are just that and we want them to remain sweet and innocent...and they are. Boy's stimulate themselves, too. When they have an erection (sometimes as early as 1 month), they eventually find it.
I don't think you have anything to be concerned with (unless you suspect abuse). If this continues to bother you, there a books on the subject that are very helpful. If it seems just too much to bear, then you may want to consider getting help for you and your husband (not your daughter) with a professional.
Hello, I have a son that is 11 years old and does that to pillows. I asked my Dr. about it. He told me that he just stumbled across something that felt good and to not worry about it, just make sure he confines it to the bedroom and not out in public areas. So just talk to your Dr. about it and see if he/she has any concerns about it.
Tara,
Believe me when I say, it is not abnormal or disgusting...although I know it can be embarrassing. My daughter is 5 and at 4 yrs old she started climbing up the poles on the playground and hanging on. Soon we found out from her that, "it feels good down there." At first I was concerned, but after reading a few books on the subject I quickly realized that it is completely normal. As mentioned, children are discovering their bodies..they are too young for this to be puposely sexual in any way..it is just what they have discovered (with help of others at daycare or on their own). The book I would recommend is "Everything you never wanted your kids to know about sex (but were afraid they'd ask): The secrets of surviving your child's sexual development from birth to the teens" by Justin Richardson, MD and Mark Schuster, MD, PhD. The book explains also that if the activity (ie ok I am going to say it- masturbation) gets to the level that the child is not socializing and it is affecting their friendships and playtime, then consult a doctor. We simply explained to our daughter that we are not mad at her and know that when she does that it makes her feel good, but that it is private and we want her to play with her friends. She has gotten much better. You are not alone and it probably isn't the fault of the daycare experience and something she would have figured out sooner or later. Good luck.
Wow, Tara, did you read all of the responses from people who have experience as childcare providers who say that this is normal and not to shame your daughter about it? Or others who have children or family members who did the same thing only to be told it was a normal phase by their pediatricians? I think you should investigate your own negative interpretation of her innocent behavior. I'm surprised you still threatened to take her security blanket away because you were uncomfortable with her coping mechanisms. Call her doctor or read up on the issue if all of the advice you received was not enough to convince you to leave your poor daughter alone. Best of luck to you.
I also have a 4 year old that engages in this behavior. I have talked to the pediatrician and done some reading on the subject. The important thing to remember is that this is completely normal behavior for their age. And any 'messages' we give them about it are likely to remain with them.
There really is no way to stop it without the negativity. I don't want to do that to my daughter. In my opinion, growing up is hard enough. What we have done is spoken to her about things that are to be done in private only. If she wishes to do it, it must be in her room and only when she is alone. We have not observed her doing it anymore.
Good luck! This is a tough one but you are not alone.
I don't know what you think about spanking, but if you're not against it, then here's what you could try.
First, let me clarify that when I spank, I NEVER spank in anger. If I'm angry, I'll put my daughter in the corner or just not even discipline. However, I almost never get angry because I know that if I remain calm and stay consistent, I will eventually win--and sooner than later the more consistent I am.
I would sit her down right before her next nap and tell her that doing whatever you call it to her is not acceptable and that from now on if she does it, Mommy is going to give her one swat (or whatever you call it). She WILL test you, and probably more than once, so be prepared. Set aside whatever else you have to do and just stay nearby. When she humps the blanket, give her a quick swat and then tell her, "Don't do that again" and lay the blanket on top of her. In fact, if you can swat as she is bunching up the blanket, it will probably be more effective. Stay calm. It might take an hour or more, but if you figure that you have all day, I promise it won't take all day. Eventually she will give up and go to sleep.
This sounds harsh, but actually the swats (which should only be hard enough to be effective, and only one at a time--never swat swat swat without time to take a breath!) help speed up the process and communicate to her that you are serious. If you get angry or frustrated, stop swatting and put her in the corner for a while until you calm down (you wouldn't want her to be humping the blanket while you're too upset to swat properly!).
I would also recommend that you take a look at this website: www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com. The author of this online book has a lot of helpful advice, and what I have given you is more or less adapted from what she has written.
Hope this helps.
Hi Tara, I too, was shocked and maybe a little disgusted when I found out what my daughter was doing wasn't my imagination! I am really easy going but I was shocked!! I'm ok with it now that I know more about it. I talked to the pediatrician and I was told that it's absolutely normal. They just need to be told that it's private and go to their room. If they aren't hurting themselves than it shouldn't be a problem other than to us. The more attention brought to it the more it may cause long term damage to her psyche (sp?). She just needs to understand that it's private and if you have to take her there yourself, that that is only for alone time...period. No sense in getting angry with it but be stern. My daughter still sometimes slips into that and we have come to the conclusion is that it of course feels good but she doesn't understand why, but that it's also a comfort to her. It's not as odd as you think. I found that out too! hang in there It does get better and you are not alone with this!! It is very natural and they are learning every step of the way!