Take away the blanket and do not say a word. Tell the blanket is on vacation and will return at some point. Do not make a big fuss about the situation.
I know that this is not really what you want your little one to be doing, but is she doing it only at home and in her room? If so, be careful not to discourage being able to discover her body and how it works. Apparently she has discovered a sensation, if you make a big deal about it, the behavior will be learned as BAD and therefore teaching that her body is bad, and that she is bad. Possible giving her a poor body image. My suggestion would be to ignore it as long as it is in private. She will out grow it.
This can be very disconcerting to parents, but sexuality is a very natural thing and no one should be made to feel ashamed of their growing/maturing sexuality. That being said, however, this is not normal behavior for a child at age 4. My first suggestion is for you to take her to a pediatrition and have her examined carefully to make sure she has not been sexually abused in any way....be sure to let your doctor know that you don't think this is the case, explain to him/her what has been happening and that you are just making sure she is ok before proceeding. Then you, as her mother, should sit down and talk with her to find out exactly why she thinks/feels this is appropriate behavior.
She should be able to talk to you about this without being made to feel embarassed or ashamed....get suggestions from your pediatritian if you have to for the best way to talk with her about her behavior. She is your precious child and needs your understanding and support to learn the proper behavior - she should never be made to feel unloved or that she is disgusting or nasty to you - you are her everything in the world at this time of her life. she needs you and loves you and depends on you for everything. Teach her lovingly and she will respond lovingly.
Tara,
This is not something to discipline, but rather your role is to replace this behavior with something appropriate. This is a form of self-soothing. Some kids suck their thumbs for the same reason. Try replacing the behavior by rubbing her back, stroking her hair, or softly singing to her during nap times and bedtime and so she can be soothed and calmed while going to sleep. If she feels comforted by your appropriate touch she won't feel the "need" to comfort herself through this innocent behavior. She is a child and is not thinking about sex while she does it. Now that she's home you have an opportunity to offer her lots of appropriate affection and love. Good luck!
This is a common thing that alot of children do. However parents don't like to talk about it . Your first natural reaction is to tell you child don't do that thats nasty. But like the other mothers have said this can have long term affects on your child. I found my daughter doing this one day , at first it was a shock. I explained to her that it was something she should do in private when she was alone. Hopefully everything works out for you .
Dear Tara,
According to child psychology books that I've read, it is natural for children to explore sexuality just as they do everything else. At age four, it might be appropriate to calmly and kindly explain to your daughter that while there's nothing wrong or dirty with any part of her body, some parts of it are 'private', 'special' (choose your favorite POSITIVE term), and that we don't touch them or show them in front of other people unless it's someone we really love (like mommy and daddy, who after all might still need to help with bathing and toileting!) We also don't let anyone touch them except people we really really love and trust (again, like mommy and daddy--no need to go further in explaining what love can mean later, unless she asks).
It's important to leave out the 'dirty' and 'nasty' comments, in order for you child not to grow up feeling that her body itself (she herself) is inherently bad or dirty. Because she's not! "Dry humping' is something your daughter probably has not idea what it is connected to, and when you say it is going to hurt her, you are not being quite honest with her. How is it going to hurt her? Instead, emphasize that her body is 'precious', ' important' etc, and especially those private parts, and that's why we don't talk about or touch them in front of most people.
Telling her NEVER to touch herself is a mistake--let's face it, everyone is going to at some point explore sexual pleasure on their own, and if you make it seem dirty you are only setting her up for guilt. The important thing about sexual exploration is not that it shouldn't happen , but that the child understands its private nature.
Perhaps there views are too 'open' for your family, but I hope you think of them with an open heart. Judging your children for their sexuality or their curiosity about it, will only distance the child from you and encourage them to hide any future curiosity. wouldn't you prefer that your daughter come to YOU with questions she might have instead of being afraid to do so because of the reaction she might get?
Please feel free to contact me if I wasn't quite clear, or if you would like to know where to learn more about children and sexuality.
good luck!
Gabriela
Tara, I understand how this is disgusting but actually it's a natural part of growing up. Most likely, if you ignore your daughter's behavior (rather than getting on to her) then she'll stop on her own. I know that it's difficult to ignore certain behaviors but if children don't get attention for something then they usually stop. Alot of times, children will do something just to get a response from us and this sounds like that is the case here.
I'm sure you'll get more advice, much better than what I've just given you but I just wanted you to know that this is not unusual. Good luck!
I feel terribly sorry for your daughter. To think she is going to go through life with you telling her she is nasty, taking away things that are very important to her and telling her she makes mommy and daddy sad by doing something that is normal and personal and comforting to her. Take her blanket away and she will just replace it with something else. What are you going to do then? Cut off her hand? her fingers? Take everything away? She probably does not even realize she is doing it most of the time. She does not connect it to sex. It is just something that makes her feel better. You are WAY over reacting because YOU are uncomfortable. It is sexual to YOU...not her. I would suggest some parenting classes or books to better inform you and your husband on normal childhood behaviors and how to react or not react to them. If she is OVERLY attentive to herself or displaying other sexual signs (look on the internet and you can find a list of signs of sexual abuse)then take her to the physician and tell them you suspect sexual abuse. If you do not suspect sexual abuse, back off. She is a little girl who is quickly going to feel like she is nasty and dirty and makes her mommy and daddy sad and she gets things taken away from her when YOU are unhappy or uncomfortable. She is 4 now, but she will remember these things and withdraw from you and your husband. Don't set that precident now. Let her be a normal happy child. There will be plenty or REAL issues that will displease you in the future. Pick your real battles.
First I would say don't make such a big deal out of it. I think all kids do it and the more you react, the worse it becomes. Also, by saying it is nasty and will hurt it, when it is perfectly natural thing, could also cause problems later on. You should explain that this needs to be done in private only and send her to off to her room or the bathroom if she does it in a family room.
One last thought...You might want to hold her close when it is sleeping time. Let her take her nap in your bed and just snuggle with her, she may just be looking for a little more security...the stimulation may make her feel better. I would try making the just-before-bed time special, a real touchy and snuggly time that tells her she is totally secure and indicates that her physical needs are being met already...you might be surprised at how well she does.
Tara -
Telling your daughter what you have chosen to tell her is not the truth and that is not good parenting. I know you are digusted and am asking you to get past that and try and work with this on a better level for you and your family.
Once you stop reacting so much - and I know it's very hard - she will let it go. You let go - she will let go. Get it? You teach her to do what you first need to do, yourself.
There is nothing wrong with telling her that her behavior is inappropriate and then immediately move on to . . "okay, what else can we do instead?" Put the focus on having fun figuring out what else she can do for her nap rituals - you can do a burrito wrap - where you wrap her blankie around her like a burrito, to tuck her in, or whatever fun stuff she likes for pre-nap settling in.
Focus on what you want, not what you don't want.
Good luck - I know you can figure this out with her - make it fun! (Then you remove the judgment, shame, etc.. and it will feel much better to her - she doesn't understand what an adult does, so treat her with more care and fun on this - it will be fine Tara.)
Alli
Hi, first of all, I am sorry that you are having to go through this. I have read some of the other responses and disagree with most. We also have two girls, 4 1/2 and 19mos. When my 4yr old gets caught touching herself I tell her that even though it might "tickle", the only thing that should touch her there is bath tissue. Children are creative and curious. They can and will try other things that might tickle and then they can hurt themselves. If my husband and I talked with my daughter about not doing something and she continued doing it then she should get disilplined the same as anything else. You keeping your daughter from masterbating at an early age will not hinder her as a married woman. I believe in Jesus Christ, the power of prayer, and that God doesn't want us raising our children up in lust, but in modisty, with values. I greatly enjoy sex with my husband, and I pray that my girls will marry and have great relationships also, but until then we are going to protect them from themselves and others. I just recomend treating those situations like all the others. If she doesn't listen then she gets in "trouble". And she'll learn the way she learns all other things. if she learned to hit from daycare and she came home and started hitting her little sister...what would you do?
This is very normal behavior for a 4 year old and should NEVER be punished by telling her it is nasty unless you want her to grow up thinking that sensual feelings are nasty. Four year olds are feeling sensation in their sexual regions and exploring them. They need to be taught that certain things are not done in public (now is the time to be giving her privacy in the bathroom and explaining that people do certain things that have to do with touching their own bodies in private. Using the blanket like she does needs to be taught as a "private behavior" (you'll need to help her understand the difference between private and public in general). Show her some things she CAN do with the blanket to help her sleep and enlist the teacher in re-directing her to that behavior when she does the behavior you DON'T like. ABOVE ALL ELSE DO NOT SHAME HER FOR THE BEHAVIOR----IT IS BIOLOGICAL AT HER AGE AND SHAMING HER WILL DAMAGE HER SELF-ESTEEM!!!!!
Good luck!
Lori
Early Education Specialist
Basic Trust: Parenting Support Services
Over 25 years experience with infants, toddlers, and pre-schoolers.
I hate to tell you this, but your daughters actions are completely normal for her age. Instead of telling her it is nasty, which is going to cause her issues, you should try to explain what is done in private and what is acceptable in public. It's not going to hurt her - and if you try punishing her for something that is completely normal, you are going to instill negative associations with her body and shell have issues.
JMHO
I agree with most of the others that have responded. I'm the mother of 2 girls, 4 and 7, and we have dealt with this issue. This behavior is sooo normal. She will grow out of it. I think by threatening to take away her security blanket you may be causing her more stress. I would personally (and have done so) ignore the behavior, the more you focus on it the more she will want to do it. And possibly instead of reprimanding her for this behavior when she starts doing it maybe redirect it to something else, possibly try giving her a new lovey to cuddle with when she's sleeping. From your info, it looks like since she was only in daycare for 6 mths, it may have stressed her a bit just going into it, she's back home with you, I really think this behavior will stop on it's own. I think we all have to remember when kids do this sort of thing, they don't see it the same way we do, it is purely innocent on their part.
Best of luck
Hmm - is she asleep or napping when this activity occurs - or is it a purposeful wakeful act that she thinks is funny and designed to get your attention and annoy you?
If she is asleep or napping - she has probably discovered what stimulation from the blanket feels like, and she enjoys it. If that is the case - i would definately stay away from telling her she is bad or nasty. Just try to gently and indirectly discourage it in public. Im sure other moms or your Pedi will have some good suggestions on how to handle it. (Remember -a 4yr old will not truly understand what "nasty" means - except it is something you do not like. How you handle this could impact their later feelings of self worth when the sexuality kicks in during adolescence)
On the other hand, if it is a deliberate attention getting behavior intending to be funny - well - follow your usual method for discouraging any type of undesirable behavior.
About me - a 53 yr old working wife with two grown kids and "grammy" to a wonderful granddaughter.
My now 7 year old daughter also did this and started when she was almost 3 years old. I too was horrified! I wondered where she had picked this behavior up and finally realized that she had seen a child in the nursery at church do it. I guess she tried it and thought it felt good and I could not get her to stop. She did it with her stuffed animal and I constantly took the stuffed animal away and told her to stop doing this and got very upset with her when she did and told her she was going to hurt herself with all the rubbing. I had never seen a child do this before!
Now I know that that is the completely wrong way to handle this! I spoke with her teacher and she said many children learn young that this behaviour feels good and don't want to stop-they just need to be told that it is not appropriate to do this in front of others. Acknowledge to your child that you know this feels good, but it is something he or she can do in the privacy of their own room when no one else is in there. Children are of course curious about their own bodies and we don't want to give them a feeling that what they are doing is dirty-they don't even understand how it could be dirty. We associate the behaviour as sexual but they just think it feels good. It goes against everything an innocent child is about to see them humping like they are having sex, but they don't know that.
I know it is very difficult, but my advice to you is to tell her that you know this feels good, but it is not appropriate to do this in front of others and she must do it privately. She will feel like a "bad" little girl for doing this if you punish her for it. She is not a bad girl, very normal. Boys play with their penis' from almost the first day they are born and we just say-he is a boy. I know the humping is alarming, but it is normal. Not pleasant to watch-but normal.
One more thing. My daughter's teacher, who told me how normal this was, told me also-children are always rubbing up on the sides of tables because it "feels good" at school.
My 7 year old daughter (I also have a 10 year old daughter who has never done this) now never does this. She has learned that it is not appropriate to do in front of others and now every once in a while when I am putting her to sleep, I see her put her blanket between her legs and I know she will do it the minute I leave the room, but she never does it during the day or ever in front of anyone.
Good luck!
This behavior will not harm her, in fact you making a big deal out of it will harm her more. I worked in daycare for 20 years and we saw this behavior - which is normal behavior- quite a lot. We solved it by telling the children who were pleasuring themselves that it was just not appropriate (never use the word bad) to do when others were around - it was a private activity and if they needed to they could go to the bathroom or stop the movement - daycare room was not the appropriate place. This solved most problems and the kids were still innocent enough not to be embarrassed and understood the idea about privacy and private parts.
Change Day Cares
First of all relax..Masturbation and exploration like other touchpoints of deveolpment, are entirely normal at this age.If a child begins to masturbate in public, assure him or her that's it's absolutely okay to investigate and play with themselves.But it's a private sort of thing and you'd like her to save it for a private place.All little girls try to find out where their peepee is and why they have a vagina. all little boys explore themselves too.There is an awsome websight DRGREENE.com if you have any other developmental questions.Try not to scold her and make her feel ashamed of her body. A healthy sexual attitude in adulthood starts with
a loving attitude toward all body parts in childhood and beyond.
Angie W