Hi:
My husband and I just found out today that our 4th IVF failed (including one round with a donor egg - mine are about gone). We are devastated, not to mention very much in debt from the multiple IVF procedures and donor fees, and now can't even remotely afford adoption. I'm just wondering if there are any of you out there who have had multiple IVF failures and how you're dealing with the debt, the hopelessness, the lack of control over your own body, and the questions about what to do next? We never imagined a life without children...
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I've never done the IVF, but did have one failed IUI. After that, we decided God was needing us to adopt a child. We now have a 8 month old healthy boy (we got him from the hospital when he was born). I will tell you, there is nothing like adoption. We are in Illinois and the adoption was not that expensive. E-mail if you want more information. Its a wonderful thing!
I am so sorry for what you are going through. We also had 4 failed IVFs and I remember the agony. I will send many positive thoughts and prayers your way. After you take some time to regroup, rethink adoption. There is an almost $11,000 tax credit the year you adopt and many companies have an adoption benefit. My husband's company gives $5,000 and my girlfriend's company gives $7,500! If you want more information, please feel to contact me. We have an incredible 3 year-old adopted son and will be adopting another baby boy next month! But for now spend sometime taking care of yourself and your husband!
I know what you are going through it is very trying I had 3 failed ivf rounds and had to take a break it was to emotional and I had one last try on insurance. I turned to Acupuncture and did it for 7 mths and I got pregant on my own I have a beautiful 16 mth daughter. I also have a friend who have many failed ivf rounds and did Acupuncture and also got pregant and has a daughter. I really believe that is what really worked for me so look into it because it really is worth the try. GOOD LUCK AND STAY POSITIVE
I am so sorry to hear of your loss and frustration, no one can truly understand the depth of your pain. We went through 14 IUI's before my daughter was conceived. So I do understand the roller coaster of emotion that infertility can bring. Though sitting in the closet crying somedays, it was the days of knowing we were meant be parents and only the Lord knew how and when that dream would come to pass kept us going. Have you ever considered domestic adoptions or foster care to adopt? We have been blessed with 2 children since our 4 years of feeling like a human pin cushion on display, yet the desire of adoption through foster care has always remained strong in our hearts to parent a child that may need it more than 1 we could have biologically. I will pray for peace for you and your husband, I can feel your pain, hopelesness. When we are called to be a parents sometimes we need to get creative on how to find the child we are supposed to call our own.
Hi,
I know how devastasting this is and I'm sorry. You may want to check out a site called Resolve www.resolve.org, it is an infertility group that may help you get through this. They can also help if you decide adoption. I have been through 9 IVF's total but have 4 kids (the last 2 being twins). I found I needed to seek out the doctor who was right for my issues. Some doctors I find seem to do what seems like cookie cutter procedures and don't vary much. After my 1st 3 failed IVF's, I saw about 8 doctors to get their opinion also attending Resolve's annual conference which helped a great deal. It's a tough decision and a lot to go through. I wish you the best of luck!
My heart goes out to you. I went through 1 failed, one successful birth (he just turned 4) and three additional follow-up procedures to have another child.
I know your pain. I know how it hurts. We were blessed with our son (I got pregnant at 42, and turned 43 6 weeks after he was born). It is nothing short of a miracle. I felt that desolation and desperation too.
I'll keep you in thoughts and prayers.
Perhaps you could look into adoption. I know the costs of IVF are keeping things difficult... but perhaps you could look into fostering to adopt. There are many, many children (some typical and some with special needs) who are in serious need of placement in a loving home.
Check with your IVF clinic. Mine offered support groups (as part of the fees), perhaps yours does too. talking face to face with a counselor and "peers" can be very helpful.
Perhaps the company(ies) that either you or your husband work for offer some assistance for adoption?
(internet hug coming attcha)
I'm terribly sorry for the continued losses. Have you looked into fostering at all? This has been a truly rewarding experience for us, and can lead to adoption (free or even subsidized).
Amanda, I am so very sorry for your loss. I wish I had something noble to say that would make you feel better. I do have some options for your debt. I have a very successful home based business that can be worked along side of your current employment, or as a part time job. Either way it is worked, it can/will provide you with a full time income when worked. I would be happy to give you the info needed to decide.
When tragedy like this strikes, I always turn to God. He hasn't let me down yet. Good luck and God Bless. God has a plan for you, just be patient. It will arrive when you are ready.
Lynn
I am so sorry for your losses. I completely understand the devestation of failed IVFs. I had two failed, one successful (she is 2 1/2 now - was originally a twin and ended up born at 25 weeks which was an entire different set of problems). We have just started our 4th IVF and I am scared. I now remember very clearly the emotional rollercoaster that comes with these procedures.
I hope you find a way to share your love and desire for children. I think the options others were saying about fostering may be a good start to adoption without the cost of an outright adoption. Good luck to you.
Hi Amanda,
My heart hurts for you because I too was in the same place you are. I had 3 failed IVF's. I had a successful 4th but miscarried at 9 weeks. I felt that my life was over. My husband and I were both meant to have children. My life slowly went on for about 6 months until I started looking into adoption. We started our process in Feb. 2003. In Jan. 2004 my beautiful baby boy was born. Adoption has brought an abundance of love and joy to our lives. This may sound bad but I am thankful that I could not get pregnant because I would not have my son. I can't imagine my life without him.
I know that you said that you are tapped out and cannot afford adoption. There has got to be an adoption agency out there that can help. You have got to look into this - don't go through life wondering "what if".
If you would like to talk please call me (847) 489-9147 or send an e-mail - I know what you are going through. As a side note - I was the same age as you when we started our adoption process.
Nancy
Hi Amanda - my husband and I also did IVF with a couple of failures but the last one did take. I understand how you are feeling and when I was going through it I had the support of many women in the same situation through IVFconnections.com. There are so many dealing with the same issues it was nice to be able to vent to people who truly understood. Have you and your husband ever considered foster parenting to adopt? A friend of mine has two children through the Lydia Home on Irving Park - their parents rights were terminated at birth so she knew she had a great chance of adoption. Just something else to consider (I'm sure you already have though). Anyway, my thoughts are with you today -
Kim
Hi Amanda,
My heart goes out to you and your husband. My husband and I tried IVF 1 time and it failed. However, we saw 3 specialists all of who told us we could not get pregnant on our own and our chances of a successful IVF were slim. Basically, they were saying that my eggs were bad and one of them suggested an egg donor. I began acupuncture and after 7 months we became pregnant on our own (our daughter is 3 1/2). Just before her first birthday I went for 1 acupuncture treatment and found myself pregnant the next month (another daughter who will be 2 in June) and now, after no more acupuncture treatments we are expecting a boy in July! Please don't give up hope. As much as we'd like to trust all the doctors out there, many of them focus too much on what the books say. One of our specialists was in another country and based on my records and tests, wouldn't even attempt IVF.
I would highly suggest acupuncture, I truly believe it is what helped us. But most importantly, stay positive! I know how emotional it can be. Best of luck to you and your hubby!!
Hello. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I can definitely relate.... years of infertility treatments that never worked and tons of money "down the drain". The best thing that happened for us is when we finally realized that we were not meant to get pregnant in order to have a family. Once we truely let go of that idea that "next time it will work" then we were able to truly focus on saving for an adoption to start a family. We were younger when we switched our focus but I know if you are meant to have a family, that you will be able to do the same. Find a way to save that money or to get a loan that does not throw you into a financial crisis, and just do it, just find an adoption agency you are comfortable with and adopt! Maybe this is your turning point just like it was for my husband and me and maybe this is the first step you take toward having your family! Best of luck and well wishes to you.
PS We are now blessed with 4 incredible adopted children and we are both 41. We don't have much of a retirement account but finally paid off all of our adoption expenses and can start saving now for retirement (and college). Even if we have to work til we are 87 it was all worth it!!
what about using a surrogate? do you have a friend or family member who would be willing to waive their fee?
I am very sorry for your loss. I won't go into what you shoulda woulda coulda done, you have heard it many times before, I am sure.
I have two brothers, both who married women that couldn't have children. I remember watching them go through the same kind of anxiety you are going through now. Neither of the couples ended up adopting either. BUT they both have been married a very long time, have been involved with people in their communities, have doted on nephews and nieces. They have traveled and done things they never would have done if they had children. I think if you were to ask both couples if they regret having children they will tell you yes but they would also tell you that their lives have been very full and wonderful.
I am VERY sorry for your loss. =( HUG
Amanda,
Have you and your husband ever thought of becoming foster parents?
Hi Amanda,
Althought his was about 6-7 years ago, I also did IVF to try to get pregnant and it failed 5 times over the course of 2 1/2 years or so. It was the worst time of my life. I was devastated and severely depressed as all of my friends were getting pregnant and even the 16 yr old next door got pregnant. It was very hard, I felt my body failed me big-time. Noone I knew understood and I was very unsure of what to do next. Thought about donor eggs as I was told mine were abnormal for the most part I also had 2 bad tubes which made natural conception a big NEVER.
We had Blue Cross and stopped IVF when the coverage ran out.
Due to my state of mind after IVF, I went part time at work and tried to come back from the disapointment of not getting pregnant. Joined an infertility support group and heard The Cradle adoption agency speak and my hubby and I started the process of adoption. We took a home equity loan to pay for it. That was 2001. Today, I am the proud and grateful Mom of a son- 5 1/2 yrs and a daughter - 2 yrs old both adopted from the Cradle and another home equity loan taken. The Government does give you back $10,000.00 the year your adoption is final. so that does help slightly. We are still paying off both adoptions.
IT is still very very hard when alomst all Moms I know still talk about their pregnancy even if thier kids are 5 yrs or older. But, hers a qoute I love by Robert Frost.
" AND I, I TOOK THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED AND THAT MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE"
Amanda, I wish you a family, but for this moment I wish you peace and acceptance. You will find a way to your dream if you look straight ahead and never waver.
Your life should not mirror anyone elses, it is your path to make.
Much compassion and understanding.
Cherylynn
My best friend went through the same thing as you, though they never tried the donor route, but her eggs are not good. She wants to adopt but her husband is against it for some reason. They are also in debt. They have come to terms that they aren't going to have children, but they are discussing fostering an older child or siblings. Have you and your husband thought about that?
Though I can't say I know exactly how you are feeling, I know you are not alone and I hope you can find some support from other couples with similar experiences.
Dear Amanda,
I am an adoption professional and consultant, and I have been in this profession for over 12 years doing both domestic infant and international adoptions. After reading your entry, I knew I had to respond to you! First of all, I am very sorry that fertility treatments have not worked for you. Most of my clients have explored this avenue first, and I know the heartache that they go through in trying to conceive. I know that you feel that adoption is out of your reach financially, but it really is not as expensive as you might think. Adoption is an entity that is full of misinformation,mostly because of the media, and is is so unfortunate because it keeps a lot of what would be excellent parents believing that it is out of reach for them for various reasons. You are always welcome to call me, and I would be more than happy to talk over with you what your options are and shed a bright light on the adoption idea! My phone number is: (630)904-9831.
Best Wishes,
Julie