Hi moms, my nine year old daughter wants her own email address like her friends. I am against it but don't know if this is the norm out there or not. I don't want her in front of the computer chatting away with people. I am scared of what she can do with chat rooms and the internet. If I allow an email address, do I insist on knowing the password so I can check on what she is writing and receiving? Is that invasion of privacy or good protective parenting? I am at a loss and need advice. I am a single mom, husband deceased so no one to bounce this off of. Please help.
Hi Julie,
My 6 year old daughter and her friends all have e-mail addresses. (Which is hilarious to me, since they are all in first grade and can barely write anyway...) Since they only have each others' e-mail addresses, I think it's ok. I don't let her go onto any chat sites. There's no need for her to be talking to people she doesn't know in real life. Right now my daughter is young enough that she actually wants me to read what she is writing, but I'm not sure how I would feel about it if she didn't want me to read her e-mail. Perhaps you can set up the account for her so you already know the password, and make a rule that she can only e-mail people she knows in real life. Just like talking on the phone, right? I don't know - I'm curious what the other moms have to say on this subject!
Julie,
I personally wouldn't let a nine year old have their own email address. I think it is too easy for predators and criminals to get access to your personal information. IF you do decide to let her have one, YES--you should know the password and you should know how much information she will be putting on her profile. You can easily look up someone's profile and see where they live, their phone number, and their likes/dislikes etc. I think you need to be extremely cautious if you decide to allow this. Why not encourage her to talk on the phone instead?
Just my 2 cents.
Take care,
Molly
YES...it is the "Norm" now
I have sbcglobal dsl account and i have it set up so EVERY EMAIL she sends I gets copied on! (she dosent know that!)I also have the pass word to the account and check it nightly when I check my own email...I also check the history of the websites that are viewed just in case even though the computer is set at a "child level" and it wont allow any questionable sites with out a password that only mom and dad have...
If you are a "mommy hawk" with the computer the email should not be a problem...
Good luck
BTW she is 10 and has had it for about 3 years
Thanks for writing in on this one, Julie. I can say without any doubt that she's definitely too young - and also, if your gut warns you against it, then you already have your answer. There's no need nor reason for any preteen kid to have an email address. You can set up a family email address and allow her to use it while closely supervised, perhaps - IF you somehow think this is important enough to compromise on. And YES, even as a teen, you should most definitely insist on only one email address, to which you know the password (of course!) - it's not invasion of privacy (that's ridiculous if anyone tries to tell you otherwise) but as you wisely stated, good protective parenting.
Especially since you are a single mom (so very sorry you lost your husband) being more protective on such matters rather than less is wise. My husband totally agrees, by the way (so there you have both a mom's and a dad's view). We keep good protection/filtering on our computers and that is something I would recommend to you as a crucial necessity with kids in the house, if you don't already have that on your computer.
Once our kids become adults, then they can do what they will with the internet, computers, etc. but till that time it's up to us as caring parents to set good boundaries and gradually teach them about using the Net including being aware of the many dangers therein. Please don't fall prey to "peer pressure" in these situations, whether it's other kids pressuring your kids OR other parents pressuring you! Your caution and forethought is admirable, especially in a time when many parents are way too lax and careless because they want to seem "cool" to their kids and their friends.
Blessings to you and your little ones - and BIG KUDOS to you for valuing them enough to be a stay at home mom - they will benefit from your choice in countless ways (and your education will come in handy there too!). I too am a university graduate and a former professional who is a happy stay at home mom now, so I know whereof I speak. :)
Again, God bless you and your family!
Sandra M.
I would ask her why she needs her own E-mail address. If the idea is just to communicate with her friends, she could easily do that with yours. Some of the game sites that are kid-friendly want them to register with an E-mail address, so that may be part of the motivation as well.
I have always asked for passwords from my kids for E-mail, as well as sites that they are registered to so that I can check what they are doing online. I think they stay within the rules because they know I do check up on what they are doing. I do not think that is an invasion of privacy, but simply a way to keep them safe.
We don't have it, but there is alot of software out there that will block potentially dangerous sites for kids, so you might look into that option as well.
Either way, if you haven't already, you need to have a frank discussion with your daughter and talk about the dangers of the Internet. Most kids don't see it as a place where the "stranger danger" rules apply.
Both of my girls have email addresses. I have full access to their accounts and they know I check them randomly. It is a good way to keep in touch with out of town cousins etc. Email is not the same as chat rooms. My kids gmail accounts allow them to chat with others already in their address books. No strangers.
I don't think it is a good idea to monitor their emails without their knowing about it. That could lead to accusations of 'spying' and a lack of trust later on. I'm very upfront about it. They know that I check on their virtual activities just as I keep track of their actual activites. It is just part of being a good parent. I let them know that I can retrieve deleted emails and can see what websites they've visited. I don't read every email, just as I don't follow them around every day, but I do check pretty often and they know I could check at anytime.
As for predators getting access to your daughter's info/location, that is not a concern with traditional email, but can be an issue on networking sites such as Facebook and Myspace. My kids have Facebook (as does our entire extended global family so we can stay in touch easily, post pictures, etc.). With Facebook you can limit what is seen by anyone you don't know. My 11 year old has a picture of Thumper as her public photo with no location, age, etc. posted. People need to send a request to be your 'friend' and you have to confirm that request before they can see anymore. My kids have to give me their passwords so I can log in at anytime to see their pages and friends. They also know that anyone that is their friend must confirm a friend request from me as well so I can see their pages as well. If someone doesn't confirm my girls have to delete them as a friend (although all of their friends have confirmed). A huge percentage of our church friends have Facebook and the girls really enjoy sending messages and virutally kidnapping/flinging food at/poking their friends.
Just educate her about the internet. Let her know there are sites that are not appropriate for her (or anyone else for that matter!) so there will be rules in place to protect her and serious consequences for breaking those rules. Just like the real world. :o)
My daughter is almost 12. Hasn't come up yet. We just all share the same e-mail. I think maybe when they are teens you'll even want them to have their own. But for now a family e-mail seems approprite to me. But my daughter dosn't have a cell phone yet either.
Dear Julie,
No email, pager, cell phone etc. until high school, with good grades and conduct required. Kids grow up too fast as it is and don't need every high tech thing that comes a long. I also believe in more play and exercise, less TV and videogames.
If you don't know the parents of your children's friends, get to know them and see what you think of their parenting styles. You may decide to guide your daughter toward new activities and friends whose parents let kids be kids as long as possible.
Blessings......
PS....Very sorry for your loss, its tough not to have good male roll models for kids
My 10 year old has had an email address for 2 years. She emails her aunts and grandparents mostly. She gets some emails from friend but knows that i will be checking all of them. email is different from chat rooms which she is not allowed to do. That is years and years away. She has no cell phone too. She has borrowed mine to start to earn that but that is years off too. For safety reasons my husband taught her to text so she likes to text messages for me and to her dad using my phone. I like the fact that she practices her typing, practices her writing and stays in tough with people far off. (one email buddy moved to Switzerland, another to Jordan)
Julie, our oldest daughter is 18 and we don't let her get into those chat rooms at home. Obviously we can't control her every move and she probably has one at her friends. We have two younger kids and with our oldest had 2 bad experiences with her and My Space. What we did was put on our computer Net Nanny. That automatically shuts down any sites that you have deemed not ok. That could include My Space, Facebook, etc. Perhaps you can let her have an email account, but she must follow your rules: you must know her password, and you will monitor what is going on in that account. Also limit the amount of time she is on the computer. We did try these with our oldest but she was determine to break those rules and so we took everything away. If your daughter doesn't follow the rules, than take it away.
God bless
I personally think she is to young for her own email address. But if you are going to let her you should know everything about it. You are being a good protective parent!! Good luck
I think it's completely up to you. My daughter got her first email when she was 9 (she's turning 10 next week). I require that I have the password (I actually helped her pick out an email 'name' and a password--did it together!) and I have rules. I have to know who she is emailing and when (must ask permission), she's not allowed to chat with anyone she does not know (she only uses the chat that is actually on her email, for example, you can use yahoo messenger in your email, or use a chat in your gmail also). She has to also ask permission to 'add' someone to her email address or chat. I have a 14 y/o also, and I have the same rules with her as well--she's a freshman in highschool and completely fine with it. :-) Really, it's up the parent, and remind them if they are going to have an email, that you are allowed to log in and check it if you feel the need. Oh, and fyi--we homeschool, so my kids only chat with other friends that I personally know, and aunt/uncle, grandparents....)
Good Luck with your decision!
I believe it is a little young because she is not mature enough to guard her email address nor are the other kids she wants to communicate with. She wont understand that people strangers might contact her and she musn't respond. I have the passwords of my daughters accounts and she is 14. You will create a daughter that is on the computer from after school to bed.
Hi Julie, you have to do what you feel comfortable with. My daughter is 13 -- we JUST let her get a facebook, which I monitor. If you do let her get email, i would tell her you will be monitoring her email and also have a discussion about internet safety. It's amazing how (wonderfully so) sheltered our kids are. I think that you have to monitor her email just because of all of the spam, many of it inappropriate smut, that will come across her inbox. I have a 9 yr old as well, she hasn't yet asked for email. The other alternative (which i did with the older daughter) is have her use your email address. If friends want to email her, they can send it to you, which allows you to filter all of the spam. My husband and I think we are pretty liberal, but have discovered that we are actually way more protective than most. We did not let our older daughter get email when all of her friends did, we weren't comfortable with it. I hope this helps.
I feel it's young, too. But I know my son's grandma has wanted to email him before. I just have her send it to me, and let him read it.
If you do let her, I would definitely have access to her password. You can set up a parental block on your computer also. (My husband did this on ours) Look on-line for info.
Whatever you do, make sure you monitor! It's not an invasion of privacy - especially at this age. Let her know you'll be monitoring, and then you don't have to feel like you're sneaking around.
And just to add in, I know my niece started using her own email when she was 13.
Good luck!
It's a high tech world Julie, but 9 is too young to have her own email account. You should be on the computer together at all times. You can set up game/learning sites with your account and let her play and view. The internet is a fast growing addiction and can create a lethargic child if she became addicted. It's too easy for mom to walk away while the child is satisfied. I'd wait until at least jr high before allowing computer access and it still has to be monitored extremely close.
Everyone has their own boundries so you'll have to decide what you are comfortable doing. That being said, we have set up an email account for our 8 year old. Hotmail can do a free account that you can set all the parental controls on. We made it so he can only receive emails from people in his contact book and that all junk is automatically deleted. He's had great fun emailing us and his friends. In terms of getting too much time our family has something called "technology time". It includes all television, movies, video games and now internet use. Each child gets a half hour a day automatically for down time and can earn more by doing homework. My son has given up televsion in favor of email (helps his spelling) and video games (only rated g and interactive) which I think is great!
My 10 year old got her own lap top for xmas. She uses it for a lot of her school work. Her teacher assigns lot of reports that require looking things up on line. We have very strict rules on what she can do on the computer. There are only a few sites she is allowed to go to and she is not allowed to sign herself up for anything. When the teacher assigns a project that involves the internet, the teacher tells them on which sites to look, so there is no blind looking things up. She has email but the only people she emails are family. The computer is kept in the living room and we closely monitor everything she does. My daughter doesn't know about instant messaging so that has not been a problem. She is really good at following the rules and knows that she can lose it for breaking them. We have never had a problem with her on our computer which is why we thought she was ready for her own. She is very active and never spends more than 30 min a day on the computer unless she is working on school work.
I think you need to think of your child and set firm rules. You know your daughter best.
It all depends. Do you feel she is mature and trustworthy enough? WHY does she want an email? If she is trying to grow up too fast, then I'd say NO she's too young. If she simply wants to have an email address, maybe that will satisfy her and she doesnt truly care about being on the computer all the time. (face-to-face time should always be more than online time with her friends)
NO it is not an invasion of privacy, it is good parenting to have her password. Tell her up front (set it up together) that you will be monitoring it to make sure she is using the computer appropriately. And that if she doesn't (lay out your rules, for example, if she is online more with her friends than she has actual contact with, if she is cyber-bullying (or being cyber-bullied), if she is emailing people she/you dont know.. whatever rules you want to set up) if those rules are broken, she is grounded from the computer then limited and highly monitored for a while after that.
I'd have my child's password and monitor use until oh about 17?! AT LEAST till 12-15 yo!! Doesnt mean you have to watch every email they send at that age but periodically, enough to maintain your trust and comfort level with what they're doing.
Once they've left home, I'd say that's when it becomes an invasion of privacy issue. :-)
I think most of all it depends on your child and WHY she wants it, and what her intentions are. My 6yo is frighteningly persuasive in the reasons he gives for something which is not always the true reason. Monitor for a while, give guidance and teaching (sharing tips and how to's) with your daughter for the first few weeks in how to compose emails and such. Teach her how to capitalize, etc. Teach her the value of KNOWING how to write well, even if she writes in "text" language LOL. Teach her how to communicate clearly and that what she writes in one tone can be interpreted in several different tones depending on how her friends read it - this will cause/allieviate hurt feelings which are so prevalent among girls (but boys need to learn this too!!)
Use this as a bonding time and make sure she knows it is a privilege that you are trusting her with, not a 'just because I wanna, and bugged my mom enough so she gave in' right. ENJOY! Kids do grow up, and kids do know more than we give them credit for, just be sure that what she knows more about than you think is the good stuff.
I'm actually kind of looking forward to when my son's cousins are old enough to read/write/use emails because he is the 2nd oldest at 6yo and while he reads very well for his age, his writing needs catching up, and the other cousins aren't quite there with their reading/writing levels yet. I encourage him to write but paper letters, ha ha not happening. (I type far more than I write myself so can't really blame him there.) So being email pen-pals with his cousins would be great! (all live out of state) Even with his classmates if he wanted to keep in touch after school hours if they also had emails... I personally am a big email user.
I will NOT let him use chat rooms or myspace/facebook - I am resisting that myself. Too addictive and time-wasting and the potential dangers to children - so not worth it.