It might be normal for kids to have hygiene issues, but it is your job to get him to school bathed and clean and not smelly. Smelly kids can't smell themselves. They also will deal with being bullied their whole lives. I remember two kids in gradeschool that were very smelly and it affected them and stigmatized them all through elem, middle and high school. It was so sad. And all they needed was a shower and clean clothes. :( Also, if your friends think your house smells a little like cats, that means your house really smells like cats. Gross. Please ask CPS what you need to do so that they don't have to worry about your kid. Are you cats fixed? I hope so. If not, they could marking their territory all over your house. I had two kittens in my bathroom for one day and holy heck they stunk up the place so bad I swore I would never get a cat or kitten. Their urine is so powerful. But I also grew up with an outside cat that only went outdoors and the house did not smell because she never peed indoors. If they pee indoors it is like moving mountains to get that smell out. Your son should not be smelling at school. I am so sad for him. edited to add, make sure he uses a wash cloth in the bath, it makes a world or difference even on your feet and toes and underarms and in the groin area. gets the dead skin cells that grow bacteria off.
Wow, calling CPS over too small, dirty clothes? How would they be able to keep up with all of our kids if that's the case!! Try flylady.net. She has an excellent program for organizing and helping with cleaning issues without becoming overwhelmed and beating yourself up. You can get your son involved too. Keep on him to stay clean and he'll get into the habit eventually. Especially when he's a teen and showing interest in girls...LOL Good luck!
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wow, where to begin? first, i agree with many others that you are so focused on excuses and denial, when you need to take a hard look at yourself and come up with some solutions...
you say you want to teach him "independence and good decision making skills", but it doesn't sounds like you're really "teaching" anything, just letting him do whatever he wants, no matter the consequence. my boys aren't that old yet, and i'm sure most 10 year olds don't have personal hygiene at the top of their priority list, but i just find it strange that your son doesn't bathe and change his clothes as part of a daily routine. my 4yo and 7yo sons know that we bathe at night, we put our dirty(as in worn that day) clothes in the laundry basket, and we pick out clean clothes to wear - we also brush our teeth, wash hands after using the restroom, and comb our hair before going out. are these things they WANT to do? idk, prob not, but it's part of the routine, as is cleaning up our messes. teaching our kids sometimes means telling them to do things over and over again until they do it without being told, not leaving them to figure things out for themselves while potentially suffering tremendous consequences(you're REALLY gonna let CPS take your kid b/c you think it's taking away his independence to tell him to take a shower?). as far as his clothes go, get rid of what doesn't fit, set up a space for dirty clothes, and tell him not to take clothes from the dirty pile - he MUST wear clean clothes to school everyday, i'm truly just boggled at how common sense the solution to that problem is.
on the smell issue, i have four indoor dogs, and people are ALWAYS commenting on how shocked they are that my house doesn't smell of pets. we vaccum the carpet EVERYDAY and make sure our dogs are clean and healthy. for the life of me, i can't figure out how 3 OUTDOOR cats make the inside of your house smell...
on the clutter issue, clean your house up. ask for help if you need it. GET RID OF WHAT YOU DON'T NEED. i grew up in a very small home, and we didn't have "stuff" all over the place. i live in a fairly large home now, and don't even use most of our storage space b/c really, how much stuff does anyone really need? back your vehicle up to your house, open the back/trunk, and LOAD IT UP with whatever could be donated. get a few trash bags and fill them up with whatever needs to be thrown out. after you get all the trash/donations out, THEN clean up and put away whatever is left. if you don't have enough space for what's left, make a second run through for more stuff to donate.
it's time to stop being stubborn and making excuses, set a great example for your son, you will get FAR more out of a clean home with your son in it than you will out of being "right" and living alone with your stuff while your son is in foster care.
A friend of mine has to hover over her now 12yr old son (has had to for 2-3yrs) to make him shower, use deoderant, brush his teeth, brush his hair, put clean clothes on, etc... It's pretty common. But as a parent... you can't let him take responsibility for this.
The pipe? First thing that popped into my head was a tobacco pipe, but that's only because my grandfather smoked a pipe... Most think marijuana pipe immediately. That's pretty common too.
My hubby and I called Salvation Army to bring an empty truck for us to load it up to declutter. We filled a 14ft box truck, front to back, top to bottom. In my opinion, most people need to do the same.
Cats can smell, but only if they're indoors at any time. I'm assuming you actually have indoor/outdoor cats. We only had one indoor cat. If we didn't scoop the nastiness every day, it smelled terrible... We put all new litter in it once a week. If we'd had more than one cat, I'd insist on putting new litter in it every other day! AND I'd have had more than one litter box if we'd had more than one cat. I wasn't the one that had the animals... My hubby was. He had them before we lived together. He had a Husky too.
There were times that our cat messed somewhere on the carpet and we didn't know it until probably a couple days after it had happened... It was nasty! No one smelled it but me! My hubby didn't believe me when I told him I smelled cat pee. I scrubbed the spot with Borax (with just a damp brush), let it sit for about 1/2 hr and vacuumed the powder and used my carpet cleaner over top of it with soap specially made for cat urine.
I have an awesome nose. I can ALWAYS tell when someone has an animal in the house. Maybe this CPS woman is the same way.
Solutions-
-Clean sheets once a week for all.
-Deoderant (and Toms of Maine has great ones that don't have aluminum)
-Gold Bond foot powder in all of his shoes. (dispite the fact my stepbro wore clean socks & changed them 2-3x a day & he showered at least 2x a day, his feet were NASTY and it made his bedroom smell BAD which also lingered into some of his clothes)
-Showers every night for him.
-Either get rid of cats or make sure they're not going anywhere in the house and changing litter VERY often.
-YOU be the one in charge of his cleanliness.
-Call Salvation Army. Set a date for them to come with a truck and make a pile for them to take.
Well this is what I think if the state is actually coming into your home and sees a problem and the school with all the kids in it sees your child to be a little more unclean than most other kids then it means there IS a problem. If your house smelt clean, looked clean and well kept then the state wouldn't be getting involved and that's just a fact. Now I'm not saying in away you are a bad mom or anything like that so please don't take offense. But here right now you are being given a chance to make some big changes in your home and in your sons life so take advantage of it. I know that kids are stubborn and sometimes don't want to do things but that's why we are the parents. We can teach them how to be clean and healthy. If I never told my daughter to brush her teeth she probably wouldn't ever do it and no I don't have to hover over her in the bathroom every day but I do have to ask before we leaving in the morning "did you brush?" Then she runs into the bathroom to do it. Same with baths, from day one my kids got one every night so it is routine for them. That's just what they do, take a bath before bed. And for clothes....dirty ones go in the hamper after being worn. Never on the floor or back in their rooms so the option to wear them the next day just isn't there. Making some small changes like this can help your son be more clean and will also probably help with self esteem too. So make these changes for the both of you.
Katherine - Yes, boys are funky. I am the mother of two and I have 4 younger brothers. I completely get where you are coming from on the hygeine issue. In fact, I remember I didn't want to brush my teeth for quite some time when I was in about 5/6th grade, so right around your son's age. My mother did not force it, and she certainly didn't do my laundry. That was my responsability. Maybe CPS woulda been called on me 20 years ago if that was the "in" thing to do back then!
So, now you know that I understand where you are coming from...100%!
But, you need some ideas on what to do so that your son is not taken from you. Wouldn't you just feel awful if they took him out of your house because of "clutter" and your cats??
1 - Yes, he needs a shower every day. It sounds like your son's father is not involved but that you have a fiance. So, you tell your son that he will be getting up every morning at a set time and heading to the shower. If he can't get himself into the shower than you (or fiance) will do that for him. Forcibly if necessary mama. I tell my younger son that he can either get himself in the shower or he can have me put him there, clothes on and everything. He is always naked pretty quick. Buy him deodorant, have him put it on.
2 - Get rid of the clothes that have rips or stains. personally, I don't understand why parents let their kids run around looking like rag-a-muffins. I understand he is a boy, again, mother of two, sister of 4! But, I don't remember any of my brothers running around looking a mess. And, for my boys, when their pants get holes or their shirts are stained, they get tossed! I know it's expensive to buy clothing, but I also know that you can hit target, Walmart, Kmart, garage sales, craigslist, 2nd hand stores, Value Village...ect and buy things for $5 that are not stained or holey.
3 - I am a pet owner too. We have a dog. Sometimes he gets a bit funky. That means that he is going to get a shower and the dog bed will get tossed (we just did that a couple of days ago. He kept "marking" it! grr...) My house never smells like dog. My girlfriend has 5 cats (wierdo!) and her house NEVER smells like funk. They could still be trying to save your feelings. Maybe the cats need to go. Kid vs cats. Who wins?
4- you may have to give your stuff to goodwill. It sucks, I know. My husband is a clutter bug as well, but I make sure he just does that in the garage. He would tell me he doesn't have that much stuff out there, but it was dangerous to walk through the garage! Seriously! These past couple of weeks he has been cleaning it out and I have brought TWO van loads of stuff to goodwill. You just have to buckle down and get rid of stuff that is not useful. Again "stuff" vs. Kid. Your kid should win.
Unfortunately it sounds like CPS is gonna be riding your a$$ until you get a couple of things under control. So, read through all of your responses, and some of them do seem a bit harsh, but read through all of these ideas as to what you can do to better the situation....and then do it. You do not want to have "that" kid at school (the dirty, smelly, uncared for kid) and you do not want to be "those" parents (who lose guardianship for something that could be fixed!)
Good Luck to you
Laura
Why do you need outside sources to tell you what is "normal"child behavior? You are the parent - clearly you must know (because you said it in your own words) that your son's school problems are at least partially related to his lack of hygiene. This is something that can be easily fixed! I don't get it - what is the big deal about bathing every day and wearing clean clothes? Don't YOU bathe every day and enjoy wearing freshly laundered things? It really shouldn't be open for discussion, just integrated into the daily routine, then it will become a habit. As far as the cats go, I have had cats for the past 25 years, and guess what? CATS DON'T SMELL. They are fastidiously clean. Yes, litter boxes DO smell if they aren't cleaned regularly, but you said these are outdoor cats which means they use the great outdoors as their toilet. If they are unneutered males and your house smells, it means they are spraying inside to mark their territory. Either get them fixed or get rid of them! As for the clutter, I think this is something that many people struggle with, but if you have too many possessions to comfortably fit in your house, then you have too many possessions, period. Go through everything and purge, purge, purge. If you haven't used something in a year, get rid of it. Your original question was "what can you do?" Well, there's plenty you can and should do, so you'd better get cracking.
I know it may not seem like it but CPS is trying to help you and your son. they just want a good life for both you and and your son. it may be very hard for you to see the problem since you are in the situation and your family and friends are use to the situation and it may be how you grew up but obviously what you are doing is not working. Even if you don't agree with it and you may never agree with it, you really don't have a choice, CPS is involved and will probably stayed involved until you clean it up and your son.
I know you think it is normal for him to have a hygiene issue, but most likely 95% of the kids in his class have decent hygiene, there is no reason at all that he shouldn't have good hygiene too. He is only 10, not 16 or 17 ready to be on his own. So unfortunately it is your job to require him to be clean. Buy some deodorant, help him with the bath, clothes, etc. Just telling him wont work, you must assist and help. These are the years that you teach him the proper way to do things in order to succeed not just expect him to know it all and do everything. It is probably distracting to the class and other kids if his hygiene issue is that bad, which is not fair to any of them either.
Regarding your home, scoop the cat litter every day, spray a pet deodorizer in the house, and neuter the cats if they are not already. Does one of them urinate on stuff or throw up on stuff? I have two cats of my own and I know I don't notice the smell at all, but if I'm away for a week and come back I usually notice it some.
Regarding the clutter, you don't really have a choice, you need to get rid of stuff and store the other stuff away. It may be difficult but really what choice do you have. If you resist it or keep the clutter, is that going to help the situation? Is that going to end cps involvement? nope.. so it is time to change it.
good luck
ok a few answers here. for the cats use odor control litter and baking soda your carpets. febreeze every other day. vacumn up the baking soda after about 30 minutes and get a plug in air freshner to cover the smell I had 3 indoor cats at one time and this is what I did for smell. 2nd clutter I will give you tricks I have a hope chest for a coffee table also used for storage. I have filing cabinets for end tables because of lack of storage. toilet paper gets put in a bin on the wall. Ihave another small cabinet on the wall for medications and baskets will help with towel control or whatever you need. put your pans in your stove if you need more storage in the kitchen.
put your blankets between your mattress and box springs to open up closet space. we put blocks under our bed to raise it so it can be used for storage also. our tv stand is a chest of drawers more storage. bills get put in a wall hanger built for bills.
the shirt is next make a firm rule that it gets washed every time he wears it or it goes in the trash first time you catch him wearing it dirty. that way there is a consenquence for the action. and he knows what it will be. If his mouth stinks get him to the dentist to check for mouth disease. make sure he showers every night and brushes his teeth and puts on deodrant in front of you. buy him some body spray my boys use axe and love it for in the morning. check to see if he has a medical disease causing extreme body odor. ex diabetes or such. everyone I have known who is diabetic have bad body odor if they dont take care of themselves. the ones who do don't get all of the doc appts and dentist appt documented so if you have to go to court you can show that you are trying to solve the problem. the wearing of the flannel shirt is being petty and stupid. my son went through that at that age too. my oldest is bad with stains on his clothes also so I only buy him dark clothes. :)brown black dark grey navy blue and the rest of the colors get rid of so the stains dont show. get him only black jeans blue show stains. black will hide them. my oldest had smell problems also when he went to job corp and theyput him on a hygeine contract and made sure he bathed everyday with a dorm leader in the room. he stillhad a smell problem. they told him not to buy generic soaps or bodywashes to get name brands. that they have problems with kids who use generic having body odors his went away with name brand. also a anitbacterial soap will do more for the smell than regular soap. also make sure its not his shoes if it is put baby powder in them.
the cps is being tacky with you but you have to play the game no matter how stupid. they need to save the kids who are actually being abused not crap like this. at least you care enough to ask for help. your kid is being a normal kid but sit him down and tell him he has to take a bath every day and use deodrant and mouthwash and stuff and if he doesnt they will take him away. he is old enough to understand the dynamics of this. good luck hang in there and I will pray the cps backs off of you.
ps if you are buying generic laudry detergent quit buy name brand this is another thing job corp made my son do so his odor would to away.
the state can be tough.. You are the mom.. so you need to sit down with your son and let him know that #1. he needs to take a shower every morning no matter what.. he needs to wear deodrant... this is a must.. as soon as he gets out of the shower.. he needs to brush his teeth.. you can also use a body spray on his clothes.. just a small spray... to make them smell fresh.. tell your son he has to do this.. otherwise you are going to get in trouble. ... as for the cats.. use a litter box.. make sure you change the litter frequently, put a plug in near the litter box, try to keep the clutter neat.. i am not really neat either.. but it is important in this instance... you are the mom. so you need to make your son stay clean.. or his body will smell and who is getting in trouble.. you... don't let this happen... good luck... ask your son to go with you to the store.. to get good deodrant.. let him pick it out.. my son uses axe.. it smells great.. good luck
You are the perfect example of why everything should be viewed on a case by case basis. And you are being pre judged, that is the definition of prejudice. Unfortunately you have to comply enough to the demands of the people who are bothering you in order for them to leave you alone.........or you could explain/fight for respect and understanding. Me personally, i would do a little of both.
edited after reading some of the responses
also I would like to add that a cluttered home and a willfull boy does not mean abuse and neglect, ive seen plenty of people i considered to be abused come out of tidy homes, wearing only the best clothes. Its a shame that when someone lives below the poverty line, who cant afford space and the luxuries in life are automatically assumed guilty, People that do things a little differently are automatically shunned.
For the record i am a neat freak, with no pets, and plenty of space, but i still understand we all arent like that, or should be.
I second the state.
You're in denial and your whole post is full of excuses.
Friends are usually nice and will not tell you to your face that your house smells of pets---thats why they are called friends. If the CPS lady said something about the smell then there is a definite issue with pet odor.
Kids don't need to smell. They need to be bathed every day if they do. And deodorant everyday! I am shocked that you had to come on a public forum to hear that advice. Clean looking clothes are to be worn every day-if his pants are not stained or visually dirty just throw them in the dryer to freshen them up a bit. Since CPS is involved YOU need to step up and correct the situation.
Good luck to you!
Natalie's husband writes:
Dude, that totally sucks CPS is in your chili. I'm very sorry about that. I do think that maybe a few notes from the former stinky boy's perspective may help. Some of this will be tough love:
Your desire to instill decision making at a young age is awesome, however, boys will NEVER EVER EVER EVER care about how they look or smell unless a female opinion is involved. Until the girlfriend/wife comes along, that is you. He got "off the reservation" looking raggity. I'm sorry to say that. He's the "smelly kid" at school. You have to re-take operational control of his hygiene, including what he wears everyday and enforcing at minimum one bath a day, sometimes two. The favorite shirt has got to go. It is too small. I had favorite clothes too, and it was a sad day when Luke Skywalker was permenantly removed from the t-shirt line-up.
A more practical approach are the "School Clothes/Play clothes" drawers. I had these. One drawer is nice clothing for school, the other is the older shirts (maybe the favorite goes here) for running around outside after school and playing on the weekend. And for fear of the 4 Horsemen of the Apocolypse coming at my brother and I in the form of my Mother's wrath, NEVER between did they meet.
Remember, with boys you are less a mom so much as a zookeeper. We respond to cattle prods and withholding of food, not as you put it "accepting consequnces of our decisons". You are absolutely right, his behavior is normal, which is shy it must be dealt with and dealt with swiftly and conclusively. Until God comes back, you are his ambassador. Put the fear of god into this child. He will never leave the home again in any sort of dissarray that will bring you embarassment. Don't worry bout "losing your son." We are not wired like that. In fact, one day we will thank you.
And I don't think he is acting out because of the issues back East. 10 years old is the beginning of a boy's desire to push the behavior envelope a bit. This will continue until he is reigned in, usully by Dad. I remember getting tossed into the closet by my Dad for mouthing off to my Mom. Never did that again. Since Dad isn't around all year, you have to be strong and give him the sometimes tough guidance he needs. It cannot be your fiance. He is "outside the tribe". It must be you or your ex.
Dad's teach us to be men. Moms teach us to be Gentlemen. Quickest way out of this mess: teach your little wild hooligan to be Gentleman.
To parahrase Clint Eastwood from the movie "Heartbreak Ridge": If you look like Gentlemen, you start feeling like Gentlemen, and pretty soon dammit you'll start acting like Gentlemen.
This worked for me way back when, and while my wife may not always get along with my mom, she does appreciate the fruits of my mother's child rearing technique.
It is called CYS here in Pa. They came to my house this past week. My daughter told her friend (who told the school) that her dad hit her. He has probably only hit her twice in her almost 14 yrs and she deserved both...no marks. I tell you this story because they came to my house and dropped the case. I have two cats. You would not know it. The lady was very impressed with my house (and i did not know she was coming). I am not trying to be mean. If your house was clean/son clean/litter box clean..... they would have closed the case.
Make sure you are cleaning the litter boxes daily. I say boxes because with three cats i think you should have two. Make sure that your son is showering daily. He needs to cool it on the stained clothing, he is not a toddler. Stains happen occasionally....not daily :( I am sure if you work on a few things CPS will leave you be. I think they are trying to help you.
Yeah you got a problem...when the state gets involved you get busy..if the cats are outside cats they shouldnt have a smell inside...??? The boy needs you to make sure he takes a bath and you pick out his clothes..I have a ten year old to and believe me its worth the time and effort. When he gets tired of me he does it on his own. When he slacks Im right back on him. Does your boy use deodorant yet? If not get him some and make him use it. Big help!!!! The pipe should be smoked outside to. You smoke around your kid he will go to school smelling like smoke and he breaths it in so its killing him... Clean up your house and get busy with that boy....
Laurie A. is spot on. I've got friends who are lawyers who work with CPS, and they'll stop visiting once the problems are solved. You need to make some major life changes.
You're his mom. Fostering responsibility is fine and dandy, but this is a problem that you need to step up and BE MOM for. He's still very much a child, and still needs that guidance from you.
He may not like it, but it's what he needs!
And to add to what Laurie said, hold a garage sale on the first Saturday of the month. You can get rid of alot of clutter, and make some money too!
You have a lot of great responses. I have to tell you when I walk into a friend's house that has cat odor, I smell it right away and I do not say anything! I don't want to be rude. That smell is awful to me and I think once you have cat smell in your house maybe you stop being able to smell it. Besides making sure litter boxes are clean, which I'm sure you do, the smell might be in your carpet where a cat had a past accident. We took care of a friend's dog who peed in our house and the smell was VERY hard to get rid of. I cleaned that giant spot on the carpet MANY times and used a lot of different products and finally the smell eventually disappeared. Good luck. PS - your boy sounds normal and great and good luck getting him on a daily regimen of shower and always wearing clean clothes!!! (My son also hates doing this!)
You have some awesome answers to help you here.
I'd like to address communication with the school ... its a bureaucracy like everything else so if you son is having issues with his grief or want to inform them about an important issue, please write a letter for his file and share with principal, teachers, nurse and counselor. You HAVE TO BE THE ADVOCATE for your son.
I dont understand why your family is in charge of his hygiene and you are not. If you meant that they are helping you ... share some of the ideas you have here and let them help you remind him of what he needs to do.
The last point may seem harsh .. but you are not seeing your role in this. You will not get support from school, state even friends with this much denial and excuse making. It sounds like family and friends want to help you so please let them and try to see how you can make some life changes that will be sustainable. I know about this because I have been there. Best of luck.