Being harassed by CPS because my 10 year old has a normal hygiene problem

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21

My brothers refused to wear deopderant or brush thier teeth until they got interested in girls. Then oh man, they were squeeky clean and wearing Stetson! So, I understand a preteen boys' smell. I also understand how embarassing it is to have your way of life questioned and judged. But the bottom line is, as you stated, your sons place of residence is on the line. So, whether you think it's fair or whether or not you agree doesn't really matter. Even though you can justify all this to yourself and the people in your life, it's progressed passed that point.

Now is the time for action. You're a mama bear trying to protect your baby cub. Take no prisoners mama. You have to give the cats away. Cat vs kid - kid wins every time. You have to get rid of the stuff. Have a garage sale and sell enough stuff to buy a storage shed. You may have a clutter problem or you may have a hoarding problem. If that's the case, ask for help. If the court or CPS see that you are taking steps to correct the situation or that you are asking for help, they will work with you. Contact the school counselor and ask if there are any family counsleing resources for you and your son. If he is acting out and you know that, it will be your responsibility to try and get him some help for it.
I know it's easier said than done. But if the house were on fire, you would let all that stuff go to save him. Well mama, your house is on fire! Do what you know you have to do. Love and strength to you and your boy.

22

I have a ten year old son, and it's non-negotiable in our house. He showers every night and that's it. It has nothing to do with whether or not I respect his independence, it has to do with the fact that I am his mother. He will shower every night.

My job is to make sure that the sheets are clean and he has all of the tools he needs to take care of himself. That includes toothbrush/paste, deoderant, soap, whatever.

Clearing the clutter is hard. Break down the task into smaller pieces. Pick a room/closet/area/table and tackle it. You'd be surprised at how much difference taking just a small step can make. Then move on to the bigger tasks. I'm taking on my storage room this weekend... not looking forward to it, but I know it will feel good when I'm done.

Good luck, keep us posted!

23

I am very sorry, but I think you are in denial. There is no way CPS gets involved on more then one occasion without there being some merit. Please stop telling yourself that these are normal issues. My son only showers every 3rd day and is far from smelly. Clean your house, get rid of the cats, help your son instead of making excuses.

24

i understand your concern how ever, if my child's residence with me was at stake, i'd get ride of anything i don't look at every day, or get rid of my pets regardless of how attached i am to them, etc, what ever the state may want i would surley show cooperation regardless if you agree with it or not, if they say your home has an odor get rid of the odor, move the litter box outside with the pets if that's where they are, get rid of the clutter, clean your house and febreeze the shit out of it.

i agree with bug 100% one thing i follow in my home that may help yours with clutterness is: if you havn't looked at it in over a year and it's not direct important info like bank records, birth certi, ss num's then shred it (tear it up yourself and throw it away). if you have too much stuff for your home, then get into a bigger home, if there IS a odor in your home you more than likely not smell it because YOUR USED TO IT you're around it every day.

and just like bug said, it's easier to be on the outside looking in, cause it's hard to look in on something you're already "in" if that makes any sense

as far as his hygene, when he's getting ready for school, stand there and watch him fix his hair, teeth, deoderant....it is NOT normal for hygene to be so bad that there is a constant odor that deoderant and cologn's cannot cover up and it sounds like that's the problem where your son is concerned that can be a real nusance, and it's probably the odor from your house.

now to be straight forward and blunt, if you don't want cps to take him from you if that's what they are fixing to do, then you and him, call up some friends and family if that's an option and see about having a house cleaning day this weekend or asap! go and get a bunch of trash bags and get rid of the clutter, or box it up and put it in the garage, or somwhere where it all can be NEATLY stored, this will at least show cps, (possibly) "i dont' see the problem, but i'm willing to cooperate for the best intrest of my child" that will lower some flags but you wont be completely out of the woods, maybe volunteer for a drug test if you are infact clean...offer them the proof of your innocence they are looking for

and no, they are not going to tell you who's been calling cps that's VERY confidential and can get people hurt because it CAN upset a home directly if children are taken out..i don't blame them in teh least for hiding this from you and they wont tell you who.

now that you know there's a counselor, why dont' you contact the counselor and see if she can offer any help to clean your house if you have no one else to help...or what ever the case may be, if his clothes dont fit, i'm sure a nearby church or welfare place can help you get him good fitting clothes. got to take the appropriate action to get cps off your back

good luck

25

To clean and de-clutter the house, this site may be helpful:

http://www.flylady.net/index.asp

Good luck!

26

Dont have any help with the major stuff, but thought "why not make the too small flannel shirt into a pillow by sewing it closed at sleeves and bottom, stuffing then sewing the top. This way he can have it, but not wear it and still be comforted by it.

27

I don't think that there is even a question to what you need to do.... If CPS wasn't involved than you might be able to ask that, but being that they are already involved you have no choice but to make the changes they ask you to make so that you don't continue having to deal with them. Seems simple to me....whether or not you are playing the situation down or the school is exaggerating it doesn't matter, what matters is your son. It is your responsiblity as a parent to make sure your child is clean and in clothes that fit. If something doesn't fit you get rid of it, and while you are supposed to teach your child independence, it sounds like he isn't ready to make those decisions....and at 9 I would think you still need to moniter it. If it was my child I wouldn't want him to be teased at school for his "hygene" so I would be stricter at home for his own good (there are plenty of other things kids get teased about that you don't have control over) Also, no house is ever too small to have the neccessities. So if your house is cluttered, it sounds like you need to have a garage sale, stuff doesn't make you a family, and if CPS thinks its an issue you need to get it under control for you sons sake. I am not even going to talk about the animals because everyone feels differently about their pets, but what I will say is if you can smell them more than just faintly you need to fix the problem, whether it's cleaning better or finding a new home for them....It's a hard situation and I feel for you, but you have to take this seriously because now that CPS is involved you HAVE to whether its fair or not..... I would work as hard as I could to not have them in my life! Good luck, hopefully you find a solution that works for you.

28

Lots of excuses here..
Start writing down solutions instead.

Your son need to begin using deoderant everyday.
Son needs to be made to bathe every day.. This means make sure he knows how to use shampoo and rinse all of it out. Every day.

Purchase deodorant soap.
Make sure he washes his feet, his privates and his underarms.. Make sure he does this thoroughly. Every day.

Make sure he cleans his ears and behind his ears and behind his neck, every day.

Then, he MUST be reminded to dry off as much as possible and then to use the deodorant. If he bathes/showers at night, remind him to use the deodorant again in the morning. Our daughter kept deodorant in the bathroom as ell as her bedroom.
Make sure he brushed his teeth and tongue twice a day.

If his shoes smell and cannot be cleaned, consider purchasing a new pair, 2 pairs is even better so he can switch them out every day.
Clean feet and clean socks EVERYDAY are a must. No excuses.
Clean underwear EVERYDAY.

He should have 3 pairs (at least) of clean pants to wear each week. If a pair gets dirty or he has some sort of spill on them.. they need to be washed before he can wear them again.

He should have at least 5 clean school shirts per week. On the weekends if you want him to wear ill fitting dirty clothes, that can be your choice, but I do not know why you would want your child to present himself that way.

The litter box should be emptied of the waste EVERY day. This means scoop it our every day and add more litter if needed. If there is "cat Spray" on your furniture.. you need to purchase some cat neutralizer at a pet store and attempt to clean it.. Vanilla is a great odor absorber also sprinkling baking soda can also help.

If you have carpet, consider pulling it out and either replacing it or putting down flooring that can be mopped once a week.

Things that you do not use at least a few times a year.. get rid of it. It takes up LIVING space. You are not living, if you are surrounded by stuff.. It is a burden to hold onto it..

Here is what we told our daughter. "When we die, it is not your responsibility to keep anything that belonged to us. If you want it great, if you don't, that is fine. Give it away, sell it or throw it away. There is not anything here we want you to be burdened with keeping.or storing"..

Look around you.. is there anything you would expect your son to HAVE to have when you die? If not and you are not using it, get rid of it..

I am sending you strength and Clarity .. CPS does not Willy Nilly keep visiting and making suggestions or setting expectations unless there is a reason..

Take a new look at your life, your home and your beautiful son who is obviously being neglected. He deserves more than this.

29

Dear Katherine,
I am not the most organized, heck, I'm messy, I shamelessly wear the same jeans twice before putting them in the laundry and will have no contemplations in leaving dishes in the sink until later that night, however, I do think you might be a little bit in denial.
I know boys don't like to bathe everyday, and it might not be necessary, but your son, sounds like a very active little boy and maybe he does need to bathe everyday, whether he likes it or not. As for your pets, if your son's residency is at stake here, I would give them away no questions asked.

As for your storage issue, if you don't have space for it, you probably don't need it, get rid of it! (I know its easier said than done, specially because some items may have sentimental value, but at the end of the day you have to choose what to throw and what to keep)
To me, because of my personal experiences with me CPS can be a bunch of ridiculous uptight bunch of people, who are more into judging others than into caring for kids, but... the sooner you get rid of them, the better! They can make things very difficult for you. I like Beth's idea of making the flannel shirt a pillow and also see the need for you to declutter your home, I know it might not be what you want to hear, but we are interested in you keeping your son.
Keep us posted, Good Luck!

30

It is normal for children, especially boys, to go through phases of "questionable hygiene". It is also normal for parents to insist on daily baths and clean clothes (at least on school days). You need to insist on a daily bath (if he doesn't do it properly, dad may need to help), brushing teeth at least once a day (again, if he doesn't do it properly you may need to help), and he goes to school clean and in clean clothes...no exceptions. If he is lounging around the house and doesn't want a bath on Saturday (and isn't dirty) then that is ok but going to school dirty or smelly is not ok. It is not about what he wants, it is about what he needs. Also be sure his bedding is washed at least every two weeks (more if his hygiene is still questionable).

When someone says "it smells like you have pets" it is the same as saying you have "pet odors" which typically isn't a good smell. You mentioned that they are outdoor cats...if they are outdoor cats, why does your home smell "like you have pets?" If the answer is because they come in too then they are indoor/outdoor pets and either they stink and rub off on your things or they have urinated on things. That is a smell you can't get out too easily (and if your home is cluttered it is even harder). You may not smell it because you are used to it. I have a relative that has horrible pet odors and I can't be in their home for two seconds without it bothering me and they are oblivious (or were until my daughter started gaging immediately).

What you need to do is go through your things and if you don't need it but can't bring yourself to get rid of it consider storage. Get rid of anything you can. Then check your carpets for odors. If getting new carpeting is not an option, at least air your home out and clean all the carpets (treat for pet odors too). Be sure to keep your home as neat and clean as your can (especially if you have a lot of clutter).

Connecting the pipe and drugs is probably not as far fetched for the worker as you think it is. She probably see this EVERY DAY. From her perspective, you have a son that goes to school unclean, in dirty clothes (that may not always fit), lives in a cluttered home with odors. It would not be a far stretch that drugs may be involved...in many cases they are. Maybe not in yours but often none the less. You should keep pipes out of children's reach but I doubt a 10 year old would eat it.

I don't mean this as a criticism but rather an observation...most, if not all. schools have counselors. I am not sure how your son could be 10 and you not know his school has one (and would be the person to call regarding the grandmother's death). But, now you do. Ask for assistance. Whoever called CPS did what they felt necessary for your son. Take this as a warning and get things in order.

31

I would do what it takes to get your house cleaned up and de-cluttered, introduce deodorant to your son and insist on clean clothes daily, and put the pets outside or find them new homes. CPS won't get involved unless there was a legitimate claim made--they have tons of cases and would love to not have to come out and check on people's houses to make sure they are clean enough etc. Do what CPS says and clean it up and tell the school again-that you are working with your son on his cleanliness and you would love their support.

32

See if you can pack all the things you don't readily use into bins and store away in your garage or offsite. You seem to need organization, not throw stuff away. Then encourage your son or help him take better care of himself. Why should CPS be that concerned about his hygiene, not sure, but then again, seem like when kids are under their jurisdiction, life becomes a bit unrealistic to those involved.

33

Read, re-read and read again and again Laurie A.'s post. There is ALOT you can do. And you must start doing it now, for the sake of your little boy. I feel so sorry for him. Usually it's teens who go through the phase you're talking about. Your little boy needs your help desperately.

And I would add one more thing: STOP the pipe smoking and cigarette smoking inside the house. I am still amazed that people who smoke don't realize how bad they/their clothes/their home really smell. Pipe smoke residue is the worst! I grew up in a smoking home (pipe included), and when I hit my teen years I was totally disgusted by how awful my clothing smelled, even when it was washed with care. Smoke gets everywhere! I would bet that a big part of his smell is the smoke residue.

34

I agree that now that CPS is involved you need to get very serious about this. Nothing else matters except doing what they say you need to do to make things right. Having your boy decide when to take showers and wear clean clothes is not fostering independence it's adding to his troubles. We have an ongoing joke in our house that whenever I tell my eight year GIRL to bathe she immediately says "But I just took one". At least every other day is required and honestly, she really doesn't get that dirty. The bottom line is most kids just don't want to take time out of their day to clean in any way until they're a bit older. That doesn't mean you allow them to have poor hygeine. We have to go through her clothes at least twice a year to be sure stuff fits or she'd be in highwaters constantly. I assure you as others have said around 11-12 things change, they grow up and notice the other sex and then they turn into neat freaks. The boys start showering everyday and I swear my 12 year old girl smells like a flower 24/7. Your job now is to make him shower and wear clean clothes that fit. Clean up your house (outdoor cats do not need litterboxes so there should be no chance of smell) declutter, throw stuff away, do whatever it takes to please CPS. This is serious. Do what they want so you don't run the risk of losing custody of your child!

35

If everything you say is true, good grief, it sounds like you are being targeted unnecessarily. I am sorry for all the moms that responded harshly to you.
I have 3 kids and own a small business, as well as my husband coaches my kid's sports, and frankly I think most moms would agree that sometimes the laundry just piles up to the roof, the mail sits in stacks on the dinner table. We had a virus go through our family last week, so there is so much paperwork on the kitchen table that we are eating on the Little Tikes picnic bench table until I can sort through everything. We live in an apartment, and we just don't have enough room!
I totally understand your plight. My kids come home smelly and dirty from school....they are boys!!! And I have one boy who tends to have favorite outfits and would wear them dirty 3 days in a row if I let him, but I don't.
If someone really wanted to, I'm sure they could send CPS over and they would have a field day with the mud from soccer cleats that is ground into our carpets because I haven't had enough money to hire a carpet cleaner to come over yet. They could have a fit because I ran out the door so fast getting two kids to school that there are 3 bottles on the counter still needing to be washed. They could boo-hoo me because our laundry room's washing machines were broken for 3 days this week and the sheets haven't been washed in several weeksm and my plan was to wash them 3 days ago. But my kids are happy, they get hot meals on the table, and help with their homework after school so they can continue to get straight A's, and play sports. They get to play with their baby sister at night and we always watch Wheel of Fortune together and read books before bedtime....instead of me frantically cleaning up every single little ounce of dust.

Anyway, I could go on and on, but my point is that I think people might be overreacting to your situation. You should get the tobacco out of your house though, if you are trying to quit, you don't want your son thinking tobacco is okay for him later in life either.
Really, anyone could have called CPS, and I don't think you are legally required to let them in your house.
If I were you, I would make a phone call to Home School Legal Defense Association. I am not currently homeschooling, but I know this organization is wonderful and they could point you in the right direction. A lot of homeschoolers have neighbors who call CPS for whatever reason, and HSLDA can let you know your rights and give you helpful info.
I think the website is www.hslda.org
I am pretty sure they will at least give you some resources, even though you aren't a homeschooler and don't qualify for HSLDA's legal help.

36

I have an 11 yr old who hates to bathe. We live in NY so in the winter if he hasn't been running around outside getting sweaty he's allowed to go a day without a shower. If he's been physically active and in the warmer months he must shower every day.

I've found that many boys do not clean their butts very well after using the toilet. Sorry to be gross. My son would occasionally smell like "butt" because he didn't wipe well and it wasn't until his older boy cousin told him he "smelled like a_s" did my son take it seriously and begin to clean himself well.

I bought him the Axe brand shampoo, body wash, deodorant which apparently is popular with the teen/tween boys. Not my preferred scent but it's better than BO. Before EVERY shower I remind him - start at the top, wash your hair and scalp thoroughly, if you smell like a puppy when you come out you're going back in. Then wash your face, ears, neck and move down your body leaving you private area last. When you feet are clean, clean your privates and butt very thoroughly. Kids need to be told the same thing about a thousand times before it sticks.

It's not always easy to tell how a kid smells if he lives in your house, expecially if the house is contributing to how he smells. We don't smell our own house. My SIL, BIL and their son smell horribly. They have always had a dog and they never clean. Their house smells overwhelmingly like dirty, wet dog and so does their clothing. My SIL smells like a gross dirty large dog becuase her clothes do. I think she bathes every day. My nephew, who is now in his 20s and partially disabled (not mentally in any way) has severe body odor. Unfortunately for him he smells like sweat, urine, feces and dog. It's really hard to have them around. I am uncomfortable having them sit on my upholstered furniture because i feel like the scent can stick to the fabric... We have stopped going to their house but of course, NEVER have said anything to them about how badly overwhelming is their odor. this SIL is very touchy and assumes everyone is out to get her - she looks to be insulted. If I ever had the nerve to tell her that her family has a severe odor problem she'd be furious with me for a very long time.

I suggest serious introspection. Try to take a look at your house as if you've never been there before. My house is messy but unerneath it's clean and the clutter is cleared about once a week or so. Animals / pets do add odor issues to your home. We have two cats and have to vacuum their hair all the time.

If CPS has come to your home and the school counselor is involved it is probably because other kids are either making fun of your son to his face or behind his back. Kids may be saying that they don't want to go near him, partner up with him for projects, sit by him at lunch, etc - becuase he smells. You can only be hleping your child if you help him get cleaned up.

A death in the family can be upsetting, my kids watched their beloved grandfather get very ill and pass away last year. They were very close to him and we visited him at the hospital and at hospic up to the week he died. My kids were impacted, of course, but they had no regrets since they got to see him very close to the end and tell him that they loved him. you need to helop you son find closure - counseling is always a good option even if it's only a few times.

Just note - y ou can only help your child if you can help him get clean and smell good. It will help his self-esteem. Encourage him, when he comes out of the shower all skcrubbed up tell him he smells good, looks sharp, etc. Kids rise to our expectation that we set. Let him know you have high expectations for him becuase you know he is capable of meetin them - and he'll achieve them.

37

My friend used to have to hover over her oldest boy to make sure he got clean. It was more for her nose, she could care less about anyone else. lol. Not to make light of the situation but she had a point. She said if she couldn't handle him being smelly, then how would other people deal with it? It was true, other people would be a lot meaner then just his mom standing over him (like the kids at school).
If you start hovering over him, making sure he gets clean, maybe he will want that independance even more and do what you ask of him. The thing is, this problem is singling him out, and while you have given him independance, how is he actually benefiting from it? Great he has control over his hygiene, but he has problems at school, CPS is now involved in his life (which it could get worse). Put an end to it, and tell him what needs to be done. Maybe in another year he will be capable of doing all of it on his own, but he's not ready for the independance right now.
I have had a lot of pets throughout my life, and the biggest problem I have found is that pet owners do not air out their house. Make sure you get fresh air circulating in your house. That way its not a super strong smell when a non pet owner walks in. What also helped me was having an odor neutralizer.
Im not saying you have to give all your posessions away but there has got to be some stuff you can donate or give to someone else that would help with the clutter. I hate having stuff I don't use or really need take up space in my house, and it does make it look messy. Sure, there are a lot of things I wish I could have kept, or I liked, but if I don't have the room for it, how would I really enjoy it? If it's in a box somewhere I can't see it to like it, I can't use it to like it, I can't wear it to like it. I guess your only other option would be to rent a storage space.
I hope the situation gets better, I just think you have more control over it then you realize. Good Luck.

38

hello,sorry to hear you are going threw all this.but i feel really bad for ur son:( first off im not here to bash you but you are the mother it is ur job to make sure he gets his shower everynite before bed. if the cats is causing problems then they need to go ur child comes before anything are anybody....throw everything away you dont use....clean the house up and keep it that way,stop smoking in the house and around ur child it aint healthy for him and his lungs...do what it takes to save ur child and his safety:) wish yall luck once again not tryin to be rude

39

Sorry but my son is almost 9 and I make sure that before he leaves for school he is A. fed B. Showered (I often must supervise this) D. his hair is combed and his clothes are clean E. His asthma medication is taken and F. his teeth are brushed (I also have to supervise this)

I have 2 dogs and an indoor cat and my house does not smell. My friends that come over are shocked when they see the cat walking around the house. If you have outside cats there should be no smell at all inside of your home

Clean UP! how hard is it. If you don't have room for it get rid of it! It must be pretty bad inside if they have said you need to clean up because I had DCFS over while in the process of moving and had boxes and boxes everywhere and not a thing was ever mentioned about the state of my home. They expect to see some mess (toys, a few dishes in the sink, etc) when you have kids so it must be more then just clutter.

40

Thank you for taking the time write a long and informative essay about your son and living conditions.....BUT, what EXACTLY is CPS charging you with? Smelly kid syndrome? Dirty kid? Unkempt house? 3 outdoor cats is not illegal.

I'm confused about the actual charge?? I realize that information was lost and not forwarded, but that sounds like it got cleared up.

Have you taken your son to his pediatrician or medical doctor? What does he/she say about his body odor and smell? I would forego ALL online research and family suggestions and document that you took him to be check by a doctor because there seems to be concern about his hygiene. Maybe he has a medical condition that makes him smell worse than the average kid? Because from the sounds of it, he is getting bathed plenty. And so what if some of his clothes are too small?

I think you need to work with them rather than dismiss or excuse everything they recommend.