What I have noticed and wondered with young girls getting highlights and manicures/pedicures is that they have nothing to look forward to as adults. That becomes the status quo. Their poor husbands will be forced to top those luxuries later in life. If they can't afford them, will there be disappointment?
So why not buy her a coach purse like all the high school girls in McKinney? Gosh by the time she gets in high school she will expect Chanel!
I have a HS girl, and we have made her save her money for such things that are "wants" not needs. She doesn't work, but she babysits and gets money from relatives for Xmas+Bdays. She has to save it and delay gratification if she wants it bad enough.
Good Luck!
GOOD JOB MOM!!!! I feel you made the right decision. My daughter had highlights at age nine and is still an average nine year old with great grades and wonderful friends. My son has also had a mohawk in sixth and seventh grade and is allowed to express himself as long as he gets excellent grades (he is in advanced learning classes with a 4.14 grade). Both of my children are amazing and loving children. We are an extremly close family and theese little things will pass.
Oh, by the way my daughter is in seventh grade now and has no color in her hair and my son is in Eighth grade and has an average every day haircut. None of us are guranteed anything in this life and you need to live it to the fullest. Again, GOOD JOB MOM!!!!
Shannon, don't know how I missed this the first time around (I suppose the holidays got the best of me!) so I'm a little late to the fray. But I just wanted to add a few words of encouragement and support.
I know you've heard the phrase, "Don't sweat the small stuff." Just remember the second half of that phrase ... "It's all small stuff."
No, not really. But MOSTLY it is all small stuff. Step-dtr is in honors classes. She does well in school and is involved in solid, character-building extra-curricular activities. She is not troublesome or requiring a great deal of parental intervention. She is, in short, self-sufficient and trust-worthy. Being only nine at the present, you can anticipate many ... make that MANY more such episodes of parental doubt and indecision. At 14, she will want to dye her hair black. At twelve, she will want a belly button ring. At 16 she will want a tattoo! OMG! Some of her requests may have long-lasting repercussions (i.e. tattoos and body piercings) but with other things, like dying her hair or getting some outrageous, freaky haircut (or getting her hair shaved to 1/4 inch or something!)... It isn't permanent. Don't stress too much over it. With so many parents to deal with, every decision in her adolescent life will be a major episode. As long as she maintains her high quality of performance in school and there are no apparent mood or attitude changes, it's just testing her identity. Don't sweat it. Stay calm. Stop and think what effect her request might have a year later. If the answer is 'none' or 'almost none', it's probably a fairly benign request. As long as you and/or another parent discuss the request with her and keep her on track for the things that are really important, such 'radical' experiments will do her no harm.
And, like I've always said ...
Be strong. Raising kids 'ain't no job for sissies'!
I'm also putting my 2 cents in here late............why is it so hard for parents to just say "no"? Also, when was the last time you saw a photo of a 9 yr. old on a package of highlights/haircolor at the drugstore??
9 years old getting highlights and you said she gets good grades and so forth. getting good grades is something our kids should be doing any way. we have to be more responsible with what we allow our kids to do, stop trying to be their friends and please their flesh. next it's going to be extra piercings, then tight clothes because the other girls are doing it, then tattoos, see, it's gonna get worse, and you'll be saying later, what in the world have i created. let me give you a same difference scenerio - some years back, a step mom said she would always tell her step daughter no, you can't go to the go-go's in the city, and that one night she gave in, she got the phone call that she was shot and killed on the inside. i saw her interview and she said, my god, why did i let her go!
Just adding my two cents in. I agree and think 9 is too young. My step-daughter (mom has primary custody) has been getting highlights since she was about 12. Normally they are very natural looking. I didn't agree with it, but what were we supposed to do. My daughter (she was 6 then) at the age of 8 started asking to get her hair highlighted. The girls at school (3rd grade) had started getting their hair highlighted and colored. She had it coming from all directions. We decided last summer when she was 9 to use the Sun-in stuff that you can get just about anywhere. It grows out pretty easy so maintaining it wasn't a big deal. She used it twice and hasn't asked about it since. It looked beautiful in her hair, which is normally dirty blonde. I'm waiting to see what happens this summer, but am not quite as opposed to using the stuff now. Now we didn't use it like crazy and it was at least a month before we used it again. But at like $5, you can't beat it. We learned from some Tv model-type show that you should wet the hair, and single out just a few strips to use it on, then blow dry it for the best effect. It made both her and I happy. We're trying to hold fast on the no-cell phone policy. Those are flying around the school even worse than hair issues.
This is late, but, great decision, nice compromise. Although you're RIGHT that she is too young, you can bend a little bit. Just don't make this have you thinking that you need to give in or bend to everything that comes along in the future - tattoos, piercings, dating, clothing choices, are all different things to be decided individually and you can say NO to any or all of them.
This also is a late reply but I know my stylist will not color kids hair if they are under 13 years old. My mom is a hair stylist in Ohio and she won't do kids under 16. I would never let my girls have their hair colored till they are teenagers or older. But each parent is different. I think if I had to choose coloring their hair or smoking. I'd take highlighting any day. Glad things worked out. Being a parent is always challenging.
I know this is late but 9 years old is WAY too young!! How about your other daughter at age 11. Is she going to ask for that too? It just sends the wrong message that girls this young think they need to do something to improve their looks. There is already so much pressure on kids that they do not need to be thinking about their looks. This is so sad.
Good move! I look at this as mostly an issue of her and her bio mom getting to do something fun together. I think you made a good compromise.
To those talking about chemical exposure: My mom gave me Perms! What do you think that did to me? LOL.
This is late but wanted to comment. Yes, 9 is too young. I believe that our daughters need to have something to look forward to. They want to grow up too quickly. Each stage is special and they need to enjoy them.
When our daughter turned 13, she got highlights and a cut. I also gave her a ring I had received when I turned 13. She could wear mascara and lip gloss but nothing else. Each stage 13, 15 16, 18 and 21 needs to be special. If we let them grow up at 9, what is there to look forward to?? My daughter is now 20. She will be 21 in August and we are going to San Antonio to "celebrate". Just the girls! How cool is that?
Being a step-mom is hard, especially when the biomom wants to do something that you don't necessarily agree with. Doesn't matter how long you've been "raising" the kid, suddenly "you're no my mom anyway!" comes up. So sad.
I agree that as the step-mom you have to flexible. You gave your opinion, your husband used it and the biomom came back with another option. So it goes.
I remember dipping my bangs in bleach when I was around 9-10 to try and get it to be highlighted. When it started bubbling and fizzing I pulled it out and luckily didn't get any in my eyes or nasal orifices... what a dumb kid I was. But my mom wouldn't let me dye my hair until I was 16. My grandma whispered that she used to squeeze lemon juice in her hair then sit in the son during the summer to get light hair. Since it was almost always summer where I grew up, I tried that and my mom noticed a bit, but didn't say anything. Did gramma get in trouble? I don't know, but I didn't. I felt like gramma and me had a secret, which was awesome at that age...
I just wanted to give you kuddos for be able to compromise and come to a workable solution! Nice job. I have my niece who is 9 years old. I WISH she would take some pride in her hair. Most days I have to harass her just to get her to brush it! LOL However, if she came to me and asked for highlights I would look at it this way... If that's the worst/most dramatic thing she is asking for, I will count my blessings. After all, to us it is only hair but to them it is something they can change and control in an effort to make a statement, or show off their personality. And as long as the highlights were natural looking and in good taste...well, again great job picking your battles. And I am glad that everyone involved is satisfied with the end result.
With any childrearing issue, just stop and think: "Will this MATTER when I stand before God?" If not, be flexible. If so, stick to your guns. Every child is different just as every parent is. Be lighthearted, be composed, be resilient, and be STRONG! You truly can be ALL of the above.
I think the mom wants to feel like she has something of her own with your daughter...since she doesn't have custody. It could be a control thing...which is fine for now with something of this nature. Not one response did I notice the financial aspect on this....these treatments get costly, and that is an unnecessary expense for someone of that age. Hopefully the mom will realize that and forgo the next treatment, so be ready for her to ask you to do it later on. Make sure she knows how much these things cost and it might be more important to buy a new pair of shoes when her feet get too big!
Just wanted to say that I let my 4 year old get purple streaks. It's just hair. Why not let her have fun with it?
I'm another one posting to this topic so late...but just wanted to give my 2 cents worth. :) My daughter is 6 years old...will be 7 on 2/15. Her hair is gorgeous!! She's got thick, long, spiral curls that seem to fall into place. Why my own naturally curly hair doesn't act the same, I'll never know! Anyway, I went to a beauty supply store to buy some shampoo and conditioner my stylist told me about and my daughter was with me. She saw all the colors of hair dye and decided she didn't want auburn hair anymore....she wanted...PINK. I laughed and told her no way!! She talked about getting pink hair for months on end. Just before halloween this year I went back to get more conditioner and ended up picking up a small pack of hair color that is NOT permanent. We streaked her hair with pink and purple. She dressed up....we did make-up, painted finger and toenails and had a blast. I took a million pictures as she became a "model" and my living room became a run-way. We had a blast. After the pictures were done and she'd danced and sang her way around the house a dozen times, we went out to lunch. It was a great mommy/daughter day for us.
Do I think she'll want something more permanent? Possibly. Do I think she'll want do to something drastically different from everyone else? Absolutely! Will I say yes to everything she ever asks? Not a chance in the world. However, there are enough things that I MUST say no to. There are big issues that I can't or won't compromise on. The color of her hair?? That is the least of my worries. I, too, choose my battles with care.
It's too youg!!!! What's next, a tattoo?
I personally know that some elementary schools have highlighted, crazy colored hair in their list of not to dos in the dress code. Feeling is it can be saved for middle school. I agree, especially along with the slutty outfits that are being pushed for young girls today.
I know you have already decided but I too wanted to chime in my 2cents of momhood, I am the mom of a 23 yr old who is about to graduate university and enter law enforcement. that said, when he was in elementary school the craze was to get one ear pieced (think punk era late 80s early 90s) and die the hair in chunks. Rather than give in to my child (key word) I made him earn it with grades for a whole year. he went the entire year of 6th grade pulling A's so after graduation I took him to get his ear pieced (yes there were conditions, he could not wear anything other than a small 10pt diamond stud period), in Jr high saggy pants dying hair black piercings etc were everywhere and continued through high school...
You have set pick and choose the battles with your children, but if they want highlights or to get their ears pierced or a tattoo or whatever...... make them earn it.... make them work for the reward do not just hand it over, when they earn it it is much more appriciated.
I question (with no disrespect) if at 9 she wants highlights what is she going to want at 12 and then again at 15... at 9 let kids be kids life is too short and todays kids dont get to just be kids without peer presure and advertising gimmicks and trends and fashion being thrown in their faces for us to buy or do everything they see..
JMO...