Hi ladies I have appreciated your thoughts on other ?s so here goes. I'm a step mom to a 9 year old whom my husband has primary custody. She does spend weekends at her moms and Mon/Wed dinner visit. I just found out her mom is taking her to get her hair done, 3 chunky blonde highlights in the front of her hair- she has brown hair. I think at 9 and in 3rd grade this is too much! But maybe I'm being over protective I don't know. She has been in my life since she was 15 months old. Her dad wants my opinion and I told him, so he told her mom no. Know her mom wants to know if she can get 2 small streaks in her hair. I'm against it still but want your opinions. Am I being too strict or is she still a "baby"?
I agree with you. I think 9 years old is too young to be hilighting/coloring hair. I think our kids need to learn to accept themselves as is. I wonder if your step daughter asked to have this done or if your husband's ex wife decided to do it. I once had a neighbor who bleached her 6 year old daugther's hair blonde. I was so disturbed by it. I feel the same in your case as well.
You are not being too strict, 9 is definitely too young to have highlights! I wonder the same thing as Jennifer; did she ask for this or is it her mom's idea? Could this, perhaps, be her way of having a "girlfriend" bonding experience with her mom? (or her mom with her?) I am not sure what other reason she would have for letting a 9 year old have highlights. That would certainly be out of the question for me!
Wow-that is WAY too young to start anything like that. Plus-was this the little girls idea or Mom's?? If it was her Mom's what kind of message is she giving the little girl? That her hair is not pretty enough as it is. I can't imagine doing this to my kid. She is coming into an age where she will need all her esteem and confidence and this is just sending such a bad message. Thankfully she has you to raise her and to be the voice of reason.
Shannon,
It seems that it is possible that her mother wants to do something special with her and sees this as something to do. It may be a good idea to step back and examine why highlights in her hair bothers you. If you are really adamantly opposed to it b/c it sends the wrong message, she is too young, etc then stick to your guns. However, when I was young my mother would not allow me make choices about my own body (like dying my hair, cutting it anyway I wanted etc)and I rebelled. I never understood why my hair was a problem for her. With my own kids, they can dye their hair as they wish but must wear respectable clothing (I did my best to pick my battles). My son could care less about having blue hair anymore. I think letting him know that it is his hair and if he wants to look like that, then so be it but he must have his pants around his waist. I negotiated.
Although 9 seems sooooo young to get highlights, what are the real consequences of it? Will she grow up too fast? Will she start dating early? ETC. If the consequences are all negative, again, stick to your guns. But I have learned to chose my battles and let them have some of the things I may not like.
Hope this helps and keep being a good mom. You obviously care about her so much!
Coming from a licensed cosmotologist's point of view, I think 9 is way to young. Highlights cause alot of damage because bleach is used instead of dye.You would think that chunks or streaks would be an easier way to go, but in reality, you get very visible root regrowth because you are not weaving in the highlights. If she does this, it will be an every month process of getting a touch up, which can quickly lead to damage in hair if she doesn't know how to maintain it's condition ( Conditioning treatments, frequent trims...)It's alot of upkeep for a young girl.Something to think about!Good Luck!
Sarah
I think 9 years of age is far too young to be highlighting hair. If the mother is willing to allow her to have that done now, what will she be looking for next year? Maybe a visit to the hairdresser for a new haircut of her choice (within reason for her age) is all that would be necessary to make her feel special. Save the visit for highlights, light soft highlights, not chunky ones, for a special birthday gift when she's a teenager.
Shannon,
You've received several posts agreeing with you, and I agree that nine years old is too young. If this is a "special thing" for Mom, perhaps you could suggest letting her get a manicure ~ NOT fake nails, but a manicure/pedicure might cost around the same as a salon would charge for highlights, & this would give her something special to do with your step-daughter. If your step-daughter REALLY wants highlights, then perhaps the three adults should sit down together WITHOUT her to discuss this issue. While I agree that nine is too young, everyone should know why SHE wants highlights. Is it b/c someone else she knows got them? Does she want to look more "grown-up"? I think the why is more important than the what. Also, if your step-daughter is set on highlights, could you compromise & let her wait until summer & use a natural product? Or maybe even use it as a reward for something ~ grades, behavior, etc.? Just a few thoughts. I know that we went through this with my step-son. At around 11 he wanted to dye his hair ~ for a while he wanted bright pink, then he wanted neon green. He finally decided he wanted to be goth/emo & wanted jet black hair around 15. We said no to all of them. (He has fair skin & black hair would be VERY unnatural for him ~ also, it was more about rebellion than hair for him.) Not surprisingly, shortly after he moved out @ 17, he dyed his hair black. I am ECSTATIC to say that he only did it a few times, and for whatever reason stopped dyeing his hair. It is now back to it's normal color. (THANK GOD!) All of that to say, the best advice I can give you is to figure out the why behind it before worrying about any of the rest of it.
Blessing to you for making your blended family work! :)
Generally speaking, my opinion is that a 9 year old girl does not need that done to her hair, but this is a decision to be made between the mother and father.
Karen B
mom to 5 including triplets
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HarrisburgPAChat
chat and events
Hmmm. The issue is getting blurred. Yes, she's too young for highlights. BY FAR. And yes, it's sending the wrong message, any extra primping, make up and hair stuff on girls so young, puts them in a trashy light, and they don't know better. And I guess some parents don't know better either. Best case scenario, she'll be a little vain and distracted by her hair at 9 and she'll have horrid roots in a few weeks and then what-she needs regular salon maintenace-ridiculous! Worst case scenario, she'll be going on to other trends soon and attracting the wrong boys and girls as friends before she's even a teenager. However, ALL of her guardians are sending the message that they don't really know if she should do it or not based on the confusion and asking each other etc, when she's already been told yes by her mom. This is something that everyone should feel sure about under a broader umbrella, such as, "no cosmetic enhancements until 15 and then only with your own money" type thing. So it's a rule enforced by all, not a big puzzle power play setting her up for early rebellion. Third grade? Streaks? Get real people. She'll look like a troubled child with bad parents. But hmmm, what should you do to be supportive to all and wise? Whose idea was this anyway? Did SHE Want them, or did her mom think it up? All I can say is make a real rule -which is a little late now since they're negotiating for less streaks...To be honest, as a step mom, I'd probably let it go since it's already haywire. Make your feelings known to your husband and stay out of it. But I would suggest some sort of agreement going forward when she wants the next weird thing.
Hi Shannon, Relax and go with the flow if all she wants is a couple of small highlights let her have them! My girls all wanted highlights when they got into 3rd/4th grade and as long as they were reasonable I figured there would be bigger more important battles to worry about later on...and I was right. Letting my girls experiment with their hair a bit when they were younger gave me the chance to argue reasonably with my oldest when she wanted to color her hair black in 7th grade! Every girl wants to have their own "look" and yet be part of the "in" crowd and you have to compromise and choose your battles wisely now as she starts to get older and begins to look for herself. As much as I hate to admit it, girls are far more mature at a younger age today. This is just the first of many issues and really in the long run isn't that important when you stop and think about it....but don't be surprised if your older daughter wants to step up and do the same with her hair if you decide to compromise. Best wishes.
I know I'm late here but 9 is way too young. Finished business, no analysis, no too strict, no overprotective, just plain too young. 9?!?! Why is this even a question? Highlights are something we can do when we are old enough to pay for them ourselves. I put them in the same category as piercings other than ears and tatoos. No. Good luck!
Julie
ps - what's next? Acrylic nails?
Hi Shannon. Sorry for weighing in so late on this. I went through it with my own daughter. Early last summer (she turned 10 last August) my daughter started asking to get her hair "highlighted" - for her, being a darker blond, what she really wanted was DARKER highlights! I was dumfounded because I personally don't even wear makeup, let alone color my hair! Anyway, although I was very opposed to the idea I did not panic, but put her off for several months. Finally, on her 10th birthday I got her a home highlighting kit. I researched just about every kit on the market and picked out one that seemed as though it would not be too damaging to her hair and was pretty inexpensive. It was also a VERY subtle change. We had fun highlighting her hair together - even my 15 yr. old son got in on the act! She felt validated, didn't get a drastic change, and I'm pretty sure once she got it "out of her system" she heard my message that beauty goes far deeper than hair color. I have no regrets. By the way, she is top in her class, a fantastic musician, and thinks for herself, all characteristics I have repeatedly nurtured. And she even likes clothes from Target or from thrift shops! Like me, sounds like you're blessed with a really great child in your life - I'm so glad to hear you treasure that, and that you pick your battles!
highlights aren't going to turn a kid into a smut.. if she has good guidance..her hair color, nail color or color of anything shouldn't matter in her decision making. Being only 20, i went thru the same thing.. not @ 9 years old, but in middle school/high school i wanted to dye my hair alot.. and i did, i never have & never will go around sleeping with the neighborhood because my hair is a certain color. 9 is a bit young.. for a 9 yr old, get her those silly things you can put in and take out of hair easily.. they have probably any color she could imagine.. best of all, no chemicals.. it's fake, removable and interchangable.
guess i'm too late :)
I know it's too late and it seems only one poster got to the REAL issue. Its CHEMICALS!!! A 9 year old is still delicate and hair dyes are all chemicals. Im sure you are careful about what your daughter eats, why would you allow her to be exposed to chemicals simply because she wants to look grown up? Research hair dyes and then when she wants to redo it show her the dangers.
You are one smart Cookie, Shannon--- taking the mellow road on this will -- I am positive--- win you huge benefits with the adults and the children --- it's a tricky dance ( and I'm pleased that you --- as a couple --- did make noises along the lines of '''' lets come to a decision as the adults to we can keep something of a united front with the 9 year old-- she's very fortunate)
Blessings
Judy - aka - Old Mom
Shannon, I actually gave my SON blond tips myself! He was in 4th grade at the time, and it was quite the elementary school fad amongst the boys. It was a lot of fun for both of us, and when they grew out, he never asked for more. As a former bald chick (6 1/2 yrs out from chemo!), I realized that it's JUST HAIR. I think it's actually going to be a good lesson for yoru step daughter to learn that while highlights may seem cool at the time, it's a big decision that has loads of other ramifications. When the roots begin to grow out, she'll see the results. By treating it as a way for her to make her own decisions, she's going to learn that she's a capable young woman who can learn for herself. Yeah, the chemical thing is an issue, too, but it's not the whole head, just a couple of highlights. She gets more exposure to the noxious stuff by eating processed foods, I'm sure. So don't sweat it! Have a fun day with it!Thanks for bringing this up!
Hi shannon,
I have raised 2 girls. now 23 and 18, believe me this is only the start of things to come, she's following other girls and is trying to be older. keep a very close eye.. trust me. and 9 is too young for any of that. I remember when my daughter started this. you give into one simple request she will be coming for more. who knows, piercings? to me girls just try and grow up to fast..good luck..
Though this is after the fact, our school district solves the problem here. In the dress code, it states there can be no extreme hair coloring for students, and for teachers, too. It is highly recommended that the elementary students have natural hair color and no extreme hair cuts. You might check with the district to see if she is within dress code policy for her age.
I also see the mom did compromise, and have 2 small streaks as opposed to 3 bold streaks. It is great that you are working together.
I think you did the right thing. My daughter had the same highlights just something natural when she was younger. Now she is 16 and has moved on to try different colors I take her to one of the best salons(Toni & Guy)we have known our stylist who runs the shop for 15 years. They keep it toned down and she always looks very cute when she is done. Like you said she is a great student and so is my daughter. I feel as long as she does well in school and her behavior is good then I have no problem with her expressing herself. Letting her get her own cut was also a great idea letting her have some say so will show her you trust her and that you also value her opinion.
Paula
Colorado Springs, Co