This is a hard thing to respond to, and by the looks of things, you have received ample advice. I'm sure you will do great! May I just add my thoughts for you to think about during the days, months, etc. ahead. I was 8 when my parents divorced. At age 12, I decided to live with my dad. I knew that it was really going to hurt my mom. She was a great mom. She cared so much, but I knew that this was something that I needed to do. Needless to say, my mom didn't see it that way. We spent a summer in court. I wish that my mom would have just let me go, because as custody things go, they get very ugly and feelings get hurt. My mom was just "fighting" for me though-I understand. To tell you the truth, I may have done the same thing. Anyway, I"m not sure if this is even a thought of yours, so I will move on... One thing my dad did say at that time though is that if we were going to go through with this, there was not going to be any "going back and forth--depending on who was going to upset/or not upset me--you know what I mean. This was not the case with me though. However, your daughter my just need her dad for a short while--time will tell. But when it comes to this matter, you and her dad should try to be together and consistant so that she can't play the situation.
Now, if she does decide to make the move perminant, may I just say, please, as hurt as you may feel, she still needs a mom--and that is you. Don't try to punish her, or make her try to understand how much this hurts you. She probably already knows (to some extent), or will one day when she is a mom. But for now, just be there. There were times when I needed my mom, but she was too hurt to care I guess. She had put a wall up, and wouldn't let me in. One time on the phone I was sharing with her some of the good and exciting things going on in my life (ie. making honor society,etc.), but it was just silent on the other end. Finally, I said, "Well, bye, Mom. I had better go. I love you." She just said "Bye", and hung up. Years later, when I asked her about this, she said that I had hurt her, so she wanted to hurt me. Anyway, I'm not sure if I understand that, but all I am saying is ,she will want to share with you things in her life: who she likes, who her friends are, how she is doing in school, etc. Try not to tune this out. There will come a time in her life when she will need you--and only you will do, and you don't want to have to go back and rebuild a damaged relationship that really should have been nourished, in one way or another, all along. You are her mom. There is a special bond between mother and daughter that is real and unlike any other. When there is a void, both people end up hurting. My mom and I are good now, but there was about a decade (age 13-24-ish) that my mom has no recollection of my life. She just remembers how badly she hurt. That is what she chose to focus on. But I'm sure it is not easy to do this. But it will be definately worth it in the end--I promise! Keep her close. Let her know that you do and always will love her at all times, no matter what choices she makes. Keep the communication open, and don't be afraid to show her your love, for fear you will get hurt. It doesn't work that way. That mother/daughter relationship is so worth it. When she is older, maybe one day you can talk about this, and you will be able to understand each other and see why you both did the things you each did.
My best wishes for you. If it is any consolation, I turned out alright. :) I am married and a happy mother of 4 small children... and my mom? She is good now too. I think she sees and understands why I made the decision that I did, and that it doesn't mean that we can't have a close relationship.. I'll end now, so you can go call your daughter. Bye.
p.s. That reminds me, call her often. And don't sit and think when the last time was that she called you. Give your love freely. And remember that if there are ever times that she does end up hurting you (because she will--knowingly or not)--just remember that she is a teenager, and it's part of the age. It's most likely not direction towards you. She loves you dearly!