About a month ago, my 16 Year old daughter moved out. One night, during an argument she called her father who I've been divorced from since she was about 2 to pick her up. HE DID. He felt that he was helping his daughter.
So for the past month or so.. she's been at her father's house.
I feel betrayed by both my daughter and ex-husband. He had never asked for more time before and yet he's decided that it's ok for my 16 year old daughter to "decide" where she will be living. I don't understand why he didn't back me up and tell her that she has to stay at home to work things out. A Teen should not have a choice.
I've talked to my daughter and seen her a few times since she left. I've now changed my schedule so that I'm busy and not have too much free time to think about the situation.
How do I move on?? How do I live this way??
Cookie,
I can see how you feel betrayed by both of them. My niece went to live with our youngest sister when she was 16 because she and her mom just were at odds all the time. After about 3 months my niece wanted to come home because she felt like she couldn't live within the those rules. As sad as my sister was she told her that she had asked for it and now she had to stay for another 3 months until the school year was over. My niece did not like it but did what she had to and came back a much better young women. Now there where two other points... My two sister had to talk about all this without my niece around and they had to agree on timelines. My sister had to talk with her daughter about how things would work. My sister had to strong to teach my niece responsiblity for her actions and she absolutely had to put her own feeling aside because she was broken up!!
Good luck!!!
Hang in there... Whatever motivated her decision to leave (whether there was on-going tension with you) and whatever her relationship has been with her father is unclear, but I can tell you from experience that sometimes these things work out for the best.
I left home when I was 16 because my mother and I were constantly butting heads... The longer I was away the more I missed and realized how much I needed her. I stayed out my whole senior year but moved home after graduation and our relationship was (and still is!) so much stronger!
The most important thing you can do is be strong, for yourself and for her. If she wants to come back you need to let her know she isn't going to call the shots or walk all over you. Maybe talk to your ex and make sure there are rules there too (curfew, chores, etc) so she didn't leave your house to live at Disneyland... Then she'll realize it's just life, and not you that sucks! ;) Kids need (and some actually crave) discipline. Stand your ground and she'll respect you for it.
Hi Cookie:
The question here is, who has primary custody of your daughter? If you were awarded custody at the time of your divorce,then until your daughter is an adult,or your husband has gone back to court to change the judges ruling,she remains in your custody. Your daughter, moved in with her father, because you allowed it.She got angry,during a disagreement with you, and believes she will benifit,from running to daddy.She has lived under your roof,and under your rules most of her young life.In my opinion shes under the assumption,that she will have less rules,or restrictions with her father,as its a whole new enviroment for both. Shes banking on him feeling regretful,for his absence in her life,and believes he will give her more freedom, to do as she pleases.If i were you,I would contact your ex,and tell him he is in violation of the original court order in regards to custody,and unless hes prepared to get an attorney and go back to court,to retain custody of your daughter, he'd better pack her bag,and bring her home.I'd tell my daughter,since she believes shes mature enough to over-ride the courts decision of living with you, then she well can sit down, and have a mature conversation regarding her wishes,and the reasoning behind wanting to move at this time.I wish you and your daughter the best.
Wow, speaking as someone who left home at 16, while my situation was extremely different, I know now looking back I would have benefited greatly by being forced to face certain issues. Allowing her to "run-away" from her problems with you could create patterns of running away from problems later in life. I know that you don't have full control over her leaving since custody is an issue I'm sure, but definitely appeal to her father, let him know this isn't about making good with his daughter or "helping her out". She's not 25, she's 16 and needs structure and rules. She has to learn that problem solving and communication are the most amazing tools she can have in life. He shouldn't let her use him as an escape. It is my most sincerest regret that no one kicked my butt back home and saved me from myself because I was WAY too young to be making decisions about how I would spend the rest of my life.
Goodluck to you, I hope that you find a way to move forward in the right direction for all of you.
Cookie,
I've got to tell you that from a single parent perspective this is a concern for me when my son gets older and is dealing with his teenage angst. It is sad that her father did not try to help mediate the situation and help you co-parent, rather than giving your daughter an escape from having to deal with the discord.
Have you and her father talked since this happened? Like my ex and I, it doesn't sound like you guys are the type to chat over details...but, at the same time he could be showing her it's okay to run away from your problems rather than finding constructive ways to solve them.
You are both her parents, and just because he got to play the 'hero' in this situation doesn't mean that he can allow you to be shut out of her life. Can you contact him for a sit down to discuss how things are going, and what you two can do together to work through this and cut off this pattern before it starts?
I wish I had more experience in this, but I appreciate your post!!
I have a 10 yr old and an 8 yr old, so who am I to talk. I just remember my teen years well and all the issues my friends had.
At 16 she is growing into a woman... tho certainly not yet there. I agree your x should have backed you up, but he probably has guilt over not being there and welcomes the opportunity to have her around full time.
It's fair and a good lesson for her to see you stand your ground. There's a great teacher on such issues (parentingsos.com) and one of the things Sandy talks about big time is natural consequences. Be reasonable and firm. Let her know you love her. Perhaps have a family meeting with all of you. Take her out to dinner just to spend time together until tempers have cooled and you can work on the situation.
I cannot imagine how hard this is. I will pray for you!
Lord, I lift up Cookie and her daughter to you. Will you restore this relationship and help them both to be reasonable and loving towards one another. At 16, we think we know it all and I pray you would give wisdom far beyond her years to Cookie's daughter. I also pray that you would bring this family back together. That Cookie's ex would realize regardless of their marital relationship, they should both parent with the other in mind and the best interest of their daughter. Give Cookie peace Lord.
In Jesus' name... Amen.
Sounds like your ex is playing the hero/rescuer to alleviate his guilt for not being around all the time. If you have the court order saying so, take hime to court. Otherwise you'll just have to wait it out. Be there with open arms when she is ready to come home. It may take several years and a lot of growing up, but your daughter will eventually get it.
Dear Cookie-
I have a 14 year old daughter (my only child), and have been divorced since she was a toddler- so I can imagine how much you're hurting and how much you must miss her. I would be heartbroken if it happened to me. That being said, I think that your 16 year old daughter can choose where she wants to live. If you went to court, a judge would ask your daughter what she wanted and give her desires tremendous weight- especially at her age. I really think that the best thing you could do is keep the communication with your ex as positive and open as possible. He has the right to parent your daughter also, even if he hasn't been as active in the past. Your daughter will be better for building that relationship, and she will be more secure in coming back to you to make things right. The more contentious you make this, the more difficult it will be to resolve. Remember that your daughter has one family. If you want your ex to support you in trying to repair your relationship with your daughter, you must be willing to support his efforts to step in. Both things can be accomplished, and in the end, I think your daughter will thank you for being such a good mother.
This is probably a true test of your love for her. Remember Solomon's story: Two women were fighting over a child, both claiming to be it's mother. Solomon said he would solve the issue by cutting the child in half. The one who let go and relinquished her claim was the true mother.
Good luck to you- truly.
Cheryl
Cookie,
Okay-First stop and think how you were at age 16 years old. All the hormones, trying to find your independence, and dealing with the pressures of life. Being a female is hard and being a teenager even harder. There are a lot of expectations coming from the World these days. Second, take your selfishness out of the equation which is the feeling of betrayal. It's okay to feel hurt because you love her and only want the best for her. However, you are the Mom and not the one that obvisously needs the attention right now. She is trying to tell you something and you need to listen or you will loose her. Third, you can't expect someone else to back you up when they are trying to bond with her as well. You clearly have to be the bigger person here and see what really is going on with her because it seems she is trying to find stable ground anywhere she can find it. I think you should look deep inside yourself and see the big picture through the love you have for her. Do not place the blame on her, your ex or yourself focus on trying to find the root of the problem and fix it. Lastly, a teen shouldn't have to take on the Responsibility your right of making the choice of who she should live with that is why you need to figure out what is really going on with her. She does have the right to feel, communicate, and express herself because she is a human being that like all of us has imperfections. I hope this helps and I know you guys will work it out...because I'm sure there is a lot of love left in the both of you.
Sincerley,
M
do not look at this as how dare her, embrace it, its time daddy had her, let him feel what its like rasiding a child, teens are not any easier than an infant, besides she needs her dad in her life, this will only give her a chance to feel like she has a dad, plus free up time for yo , sit doewn with dad, and talk to him what she is like , come to a middle ground then she has both of you to lean on, dont shut her out, its common fro teen girls this age to fight with mom they are just testing the waters, Mom this could back fire on you , its time to set the old feelings about your ex, forgive and be a part of this instead being left out ,,
Good luck
I'm so sorry to hear this has happened to you On an emotional note, have you guys tried therapy, or some way to develope better communication skills.
I know this may be hard, but have you tried telling her that you understand, that all kids want to have a chance to live with their dad, that you love her, and that she is welcome to come homme whenever she wants? Check in often, try inviting her to coffee etc. My guess is that if you don't respond emotionally she'll get over it. Your ex is in for a shcck!
If your daughter was "your life", there stems the problem. This whole thing is the Universe telling you that your daughter is her own person, and so are you! You say a teen shouldn't have a choice. Why is that? She a person, too, with feelings and thoughts, just like you! Just because she is a teen doesn't mean she doesn't get a say in how she lives her life. I personally come from a broken family, where I did not get a say, and I would rather have lived with my father, because my mother was smothering and melded too much with me and could not see that I am my own person. I have been in therapy many years dealing with the fact that I didn't have choices (in many more ways than where I lived). My parents made them all for me. You will do your daughter a favor by giving her choices, because when she gets out into the world, she will have to make some big ones! My advice is "Let go and Let God". And if you don't believe in God, then this is my advice. "Let go, and ALLOW". Life is going to happen whether you agree with it or not! Good luck!
Ditto what Jenn D. said. I know this is really hard, but let those two have a chance to develop a closer relationship. In the meantime, work on yours with her as well. Be the fun weekend parent! Take her out to dinner and the movies, lunch and mannie/peddies, shopping at the mall and Starbucks. Set up some standing dates---every Wednesday night, etc. These are fun things that allow you to bond and connect w/o the everyday hassles of parenting. Consider some therapy for the two (maybe even the 3) of you. You are experiencing a premature empty nest and it's painful, no matter how busy you are (but the business helps, doesn't it?). This will get better, I promise you. You're missing your daughter and the life the two of you had and in a sense, you're mourning that life as you knew it. It will take time, but you'll be feeling better within a few mos, and then you'll just continue to adjust. Good luck.
she will return. She is a teenager and being one.
Also, it is not a bad thing, FOR HER, to think of her dad, as a rescuer.As big a dope as you know he is, it is a good thing for her to think he is a good guy. It will only help her in her relationships with men.
But, if you havn't already, speak to a lawyer or family court.
She is a minor, and can't decide on her own where to leave.
Kids, it doesn't get any easier :)
Actually, you're wrong, a teenager absolutely should have a choice. If you try to make every decision for her she will backlash (as she apparently already has) and never grow into her own woman. Let her stay their and make sure to maintain contact, so that hopefully she will decide that she wants to come back. It will make you feel good that she decided to come home on her own free will, and it will allow her to feel that she is able to make decisions based on what her feelings are. As long as you let her know that you want her to be happy with wherever she is she will know that you onely have her best interest in mind, and not your own ego.
I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. Dealing with teenagers can be hard. Just try to be there for your daughter as much as you can. Be understanding. Sometimes children (adults, too) think that the grass is greener on the other side. But once the newness wears off, your daughter will begin to see how good she had it with you.
Depending on the state in which you live (you would have to speak to an attorney) it is most likely "okay" by state law for a 16 year old to decide which parent he or she will live with. I know that is hard to swallow.
But, just give her time and your love and understanding. She will come around in time.
Hi! I wish i had some wonderful advice, these things are tuff! I was that teenage daughter before. I moved out due to an argument with my mom when i was 15, i was angry and hated her. I was a selfish teenager. I moved with my father who liked to party and do whatever. I must say i was back at my moms in about 6 months. I called her the first time my dad and i got in a fight, and she came that day to pick me up. I know every circumstance is different, therefore the only advice i have is to pray! It is so hard! Now that i am 31 with 2 kids of my own it kills me to think of all the times i broke my mothers heart. She is my best friend now. Don't lose hope or grow weary.
Dear Cookie,
Teenagers are tough. And then if they have divorced parents, it is not uncommon for teen with divorced parents to suddenly prefer one household over the other.It is also not uncommon to "play" one parent against another, given the situtation. I am a stepmom to teenagers, and I have seen this before. They're smart. Then it can switch back on a dime. Your ex may do/say something and they may argue. That said, I thnk you need a conversation with your exhusband about this, without her listening and an adult conversation. Perhaps then he can hear you and understand that what he did was take advantage of you and her argument, and that he could have been supportive as a dad and supportive to you as well. I think you need to have a talk with him, and then privately with her. What does your custodial agreement say anyway? These things are all important. Please try to remedy the situtation and don't give up.
Cookie:
This sucks... I can't even imagine my daughter doing this. But I do think that 16 is old even to make a choice about where she wants to be, it maybe wouldn't have stung as much if it had been under different circumstances.
Just her some space and I'm sure she'll come around.
Good luck!
Lisa