16 Year Old Daughter - Moved out

Family & Parenting Other Family & Parenting
21

Cookie,

I understand your pain on the betrayal from both ends. It's hard when dealing with kids specially teenagers... I personally don't have any teenagers at least not yet ( yr old) ... but I know 1st hand how hard teenagers are to deal with as I was one myself and my parents had a hard time with me.

Although its not an easy thing to experience, my ex-best friend (another story for another day) has 1 teenage son and 1 18 yr old. She's raised them with her new husband since the youngest was in diapers.

Her youngest (I think he's about 15 or 16) decided 2 summers ago to go live with his dad in Vegas. She even had a nervous breakdown b/c of this. Odd thing is that she let him go thinking he'll realize what he has here vs what he'll have out there. Although he's a good kid, he has a mouth on him and she'd been having trouble with him for sometime. So he left, summer went by, fall, winter, spring, and soon she started realizing that he was somewhat ok (looking past the mom dad did this and that to me... b/c he didn't like rules or chores which he has to do in Vegas and not with her). At 1st she'd always ask him so when will you be ready to come home. As time passed she realized that he needed to explore his dads life and be more involved (more than just the occassional child support payments he gave).

The odd thing is that for 13 years, she & her new husband had been trying to have a baby (1st biological child for him) but couldn't keep a pregnancy going. She mis-carried a couple times, and eventually she became discouraged and last year she convinced him to give up on trying and she was going to get her tubes tied. Well they went to the Dr. for the prep for that procedure and they found out that she needed to be treated for something in her pelvic area. She was treated and had to wait at least 6 months before she could go ahead with the tube tying. They waited and about 2 months into the 6, she found out she was pregnant.

Since she found out she was pregnant, she stopped asking Jesse (youngest) when he was coming home. She changed it to, if you need somewhere to go you will always have your home here with us.

Do note that they do get weekend visits about 2-3 times a month for Jesse to come home and visit.

On the other side of what you're experiencing is that your 16 year old has somewhere she could turn to instead of being a run away or go to someone who would take advantage of you.

Believe me I understand that you would prefer her to be with you but at the same time after 16 (+,-) yrs of you being responsible for her, maybe its time for you to take a break and let your husband deal with the teenage problems that come along with having kids.

Even if you feel this way (previous paragraph) this by no means reflects other than you are a good parent.

Also, remember that kids sometimes will change their "move" mind, b/c guess what no matter where you go there will always be rules you need to follow, along with chores, and permissions.

Are you at least in the same city or state as your daughter? You could possible start setting up "mending" sessions with her without her even realizing that is whats on the agenda.

Sometimes we need our own space, that's maybe why I decided to move into college rather than commute back and forth. Something to consider.

22

Dear Cookie:

Don't stop being her PARENT! You are still her MOM! Be her Mother! Understand her struggles, understand teenage hormonal drama, be there for her in all the other ways she DOES need you. And I bet she will want to be with you even more. She is not gone. She is with her Father. You can still do all the wonderful, loving things you did for her when she lived with you. You can check on her, ask her about her homework, life, friends, etc. My parents divorced when I was young. They made the mistake of giving up on their parenting responsibilities, which last a lifetime! Don't give up! She is your daughter!
You can survive any argument or hurt feelings. Just don't hang on to them!

I wish you luck!

Sincerely,

Andrea B.

23

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice that would be helpful, I am a divorced mother of two and this is my worst nightmare. This senario runs through my head all the time. I am interested to see what advice you get. You will be in my prayers, good luck to you.

24

Cookie, hi, how are you? I am going to give you a humorous point of view. I have a 16 year old and so my question is Why are you complaining??? Does your ex want another one? I know that they, the 16 year olds can be so exhausting and maybe you really did need a break. I don't know what your custody situation was but I think that you got the best end of the deal for now. 16 yr olds think that they know it all. I know that my daughter does and she thinks that she can make it on her own. Lately, she see a lot of her friends want to leave home and fight with their parents and she is actually coming to us and thanking us for being HER parents. The grass in not always greener on the other side. We know this. You know this. I would trust in GOD and she will come back. She will be a little more receptive of your decisions too. Make sure that when you do get her back that you actually do listen to her and speak to her not at her. This is the hardest thing for us to do too. Hey, go to a movie and have some popcorn. Good Luck and hang in there.

25

Oh boy...
Cookie, I am so sorry for how this must be affecting you. Brings a little tear to my eye, when I think of how it must have made my mom feel when I left at 15! I felt quite capable, in life, and was not treated as such and it made my head spin. Your daughter very well may be facing some similar issues. I went to a friend's, whose mom took me in (unbelievable, in hind-sight) later that week I went to live with my dad, per his request. He said we'd be just fine and implied that my mom wasn't as good at this as he was... 8 months later he was kicking me out, back to my mom's!!! After that mom and I got along a lot better. Maybe the time away made us both reflect on how lucky we were to have each other.

I'd suggest that you, in her absence, try to begin to realize that the only thing that makes your daughter a child is the written law. Her decisions may be immature but NATURE has declared her a woman by now. She needs you to help guide her decisions WITH HER PERMISION. You have to act smarter than her, and at 16 I remember being pretty crafty and capable of making many good decisions. Sure there were bad decisions made too but that's how we grow.
Good luck and try to use this time constructively. Build a better relationship with YOURSELF and her. No one should be "your life" but you.

Look within. If you're able to parent alone for 14 years you're a very strong woman!!! Love yourself and you'll be fine and in the end, a better mother for your daughter, a budding woman herself. :)

26

Just hang in there and let her know you love her and will always be there for her. My heart goes out to you I am on my 2nd teenage daughter one more to go and my 1st is doing great and very responsible. She moved out twice once angry moved back 2 days later and said sorry. Then because she was twenty and thought she was grown up enough to take care of herself she will be moving back this weekend because her boyfriend went out of state to work a high paying job to save money for a home and wedding they both grew up these last few months of living together. It is all life lessons for them and us. It would be easier if you and her dad where united when it came to her so maybe you and him can sit down and work something out for her sake so she doesn't have two sides to play when she doesn't like how the other side is playing. Best of luck to you and your daughter. Things do get better it just takes work.

27

Cookie,

Right, wrong, good or bad, she does have a choice, as far as the courts are concernced. I'm a step mom and we've recently gone through this with my step daughter, though it was our house she chose to move too. It's hard to let go, but all you can do is keep your heart and your home open for her in the event she wants to come home. She still needs her mom!
Good luck!

28

Hi Cookie,
You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck. I don't know if anyone has suggested family counseling but that was the first thing that came to my mind. I wish you only the best:)

29

Hi,
I'm not sure if this was already suggested, but some conjoint family therapy for you and your daughter may help mend things...make the time. She's worth it.
Bestt wishes, Lara

30

I was really moved by your story, it sounds heartbreaking. Have you tried therapy? I know of a GREAT therapist in Scripps Ranch and teenage girls love her because she is "cool". Her name is Dr. O'Donnell and her # is 858-518-6949.
Good luck, hang in there.

31

I love what Cynthia B. has to say.

Think back to all the other issues you had to deal with by yourself. Dad just sat back and did his own thing. It's his turn, and be greatful he is the one that gets the teenage years. Because boy do they have mouths on them, we thought they were bad at 2 & 13, nothiing like 16. Take this time to catch up on you. Get some girl friends, you said you were doing things to keep busy, so keep doing those things, go out with the girls, and take her on weekends or simple mom and daughter dates. So that she knows you love her dearly and miss her, but that your life has moved on and you are now the important one in your life. Sooner or later we are all faced with them moving out. yours just came way to early. My oldest is 18 and in her senior year of high school. So far she has been a decent teenager, but my almost 13 year old has already got a mouth on her, and I have always known that she would be my toughest as a teen. I told my husband when she was born (this one will still your car, I'm telling you this now so that when it happens you will be level headed about it). He told me I shouldn't label our children this way. But she is just to smart for her own good. Thinks she knows it all. Love her to death, but have to put her in her place constantly.

I myself became a rebelous teen. Didn't like the rules and moved in with my newly married friends, they were given the rental house to live in when they got married. After that my mom became more of a friend to me, I moved back in and shortly after I realized that I didn't like the thinks my friends were doing.Thought hard about what I wanted out of life. I became a nanny in California, This got me to the place I always said I would live, and far from the bad friends. I gave the friends I wanted to keep in touch with my new number and told them not to give it out. I have a great relationship with my mom, I don't know if she realizes this is why I left Utah or not. But I'm glad that she stopped telling me how bad my friends where and started just listening and being supportive asking me why I allowed my friends to do the things they did. This made me open my own eyes to my situation.

I hope this helps in some way. Not to say that you should be her friend and not a parent, but re-word the thinks you tell her. So that she thinks they were her idea's not yours, she will be greatful that you are listening. And like I said take care of you now. The shoes have changed feet, you get to be the nice parent and only deal with her on the weekends, and not have to deal with all her crap. Be greatful she went to her Dads not a bad friends. Time heals all wounds. My Prayers are with you. Julie

32

As a stepmom of 2 girls, 18 and 20, I'm sitting here thinking about how your ex has his hands full. We thought that if the girls got through their teens, high school, they'd pull it together and be kinder, nicer kids to me but it only seems to get worse. They were equally half time in each house until the age of 18. The oldest moved in with us full time and thought she was queen of the roost. When I pushed back (asking for household participation, rules, etc.) She moved to her moms. For 2 months. I was asked to move out, and she moved back in. Her father now has HIS hands full, and regrets asking me to leave, but I have to say, it's good to have your space to take care of yourself.

We'd always heard how great it was at mom's house, and how there were no rules there (Disneyland best friend mom), but comments from mom tell us that's not the whole story, and that they fought with her all the time and played how great it was at our house. I'm a child of divorce too.. it's a sucky situation for a teenager, it just is. Still, don't assume it's any different at dad's house than yours.

Unfortunately young women have to separate emotionally from their moms to define themselves as women. Doesn't mean she doesn't love you, or you her. Trust that the first 16 years of you raising her will imprint on the woman she will become. I was terribly frustrated with the choices divorced kids get that children of intact families don't have, and aren't ready for. Don't bend over backwards. Stand your ground. She's pushing to test her boundaries and you have to keep showing her them.

When our oldest moved back in (she said because there was no structure at mom's house), her dad set very distinct rules about how the house would run. This summer when their mom moved out of town, the youngest moved in full time and started acting out terribly. He finally grew a pair (so to speak) and put his foot down telling her if she didn't live by his house rules she could move to her moms--no car, no computer, no college money, no cell phone. That if she was old enough to not need a parent, she didn't need all the things he provides for her. She started communicating with him and meeting curfews.

As hard as it is for you to let go right now, it is so important for girls especially to have a relationship with their dad. I wonder how she will react when he sets boundaries, because at some point, even if he is very flexible, they will be at odds. Also wonder how she will react to his dating -- or is he married and are there other kids in the home? I see where people say a 16 year old can make residence decisions, and the courts generally support this. It sucks to feel you have no rights as their parents though...and yet are still responsible for them.

You are right though that it's a bad bad pattern to run away from conflict and not learn resolution. Don't give up on that. Not sure what the argument was about, but if it's something you can't compromise on, agree to disagree, but remind her that although she may see things differently, you have the experience and wisdom and responsibility to make decisions based on her safety and well being. No one has asked-- is her dad's house a safe place for her? if not, of course you have to press your custody rights. It's got to be very frustrating to have taken all the responsibility and have your rights not regarded by your ex.

They let 16 year olds drop out of high school too. Stupid but they let them. Give her this chance to bond with her dad. Spend time together.. on your terms. Perhaps set a date for the same time each week. It may mean there are times she has to give up some social event to meet your date, but I wouldn't reschedule at the last minute if she blows you off. You've been so important to her, she's going to miss you, you are the only MOM she has. (it's a special bond even when you're going through conflicts... she probably wouldn't treat anyone else the way she treated you, good or bad). Call her and ask about her day, and just listen. She doesn't get to stop being your daughter : )

You asked how to move on and live this way? Do it well to set an example of how a strong independent woman lives. You love her, you don't need her. You want her to love you but not need you. Be there when your ex calls to find out how to handle her, support him (for her best interest not for his) then let him have to do it! Take some time to enjoy your friends, pay off bills or save for and go on a vacation (you deserve it, and she'll hate being left out, but she made her own bed). Enjoy the peace of your quiet home. Sometimes some space will allow her to bring her best self to your door... you may get to counsel and love her without being "the law".

I hope you can find some positive through this uncomfortable time. It's NOT fair-- as much as you want it to be. Give it some time, and both of them will agree with you that perhaps that night wasn't handled well. (consider maybe he lives with some guilt about his lack of involvement & did exactly what most parents do when their children call for "help" --come and "save" them) I hope he can be more supportive of your efforts as a parent in the future. I think you still have the capacity to resolve the conflict and teach some of the lessons she needs to learn, perhaps with this living situation you can find different ways to be heard.

Don't feel punished. If you are convinced she is loved and safe, think of this as growing pains... it's a dry run for 2 years from now when you really want her to want to be and have the skills to be independent. I'm sure she loves you and someday will be mature enough to thank you for all you've done for her.

Hang in there!

ps if my math is right you were very young when you had her, and saying your daughter was your life meant that you took your responsibility seriously, not that you smother her.

33

From the time that children are 12 years old they legally DO have a choice in regards to which parent they would like to live with. I went through something kind of similar when my daughter was 14. After talking to a LOT of parents who have split from their partners and also grown children from parents who divorced when they were young, this is very common. I can relate to how devistated you are but it is a part of life. I would suggest that you do not make your daughter feel guilty for seeking out her father's help. After all, he is her father. As for you, children are very consuming and occupy huge amounts of their mothers lives but every mother needs to be prepaired for the day when their child starts to claim their life as their own. You can be supportive or you can make the situation a lot more difficult. A 16 year old girl is no longer a child. and she is entitled to choices that govern her life.

34

Hello Cookie,
I'm sorry about your dilema. The question is...is her father ready for the challenge of teaching her all the life lessons she needs? Or does he just want to be her refuge from you...her superman who rescued her from the reality of her own immaturity? If he's not raising her properly, he's allowing her to run from life's challenges. But if he is being a responsible parent, maybe he's working on guiding her towards coming home to you. Either way, I would not leave it in his hands. I'd apologize to her for allowing the arguement to get out of hand since the parent is the role model. I'd admit that we're both facing challenging situations we just don't YET have the wisdom/experience to handle but that I want to stick together & TRY together. I'd let her know I will NOT give up & I'm sorry she was so angry/hurt she felt she needed/wanted to leave. I would let her express herself & ask her to listen to me as well. Remember, the result of that one moment will have a life lasting impact and she's looking to you for the example. I wish you the strength and courage to make it happen. Take care & good luck.

35

aloha, I feel your pain, mine was the same...
First, treat her with respect, that means respect her choice. It is natural to go against you at this age. Call her daily, or so, just to say hello and to see if she needs anything, without making any demands of her. (mine would not even speak to me, but I continued, I knew I was the one who could demonstrate unconditional love.) I cried, mourned, but went on with my life) the dad and I had an ugly divorce and this added to my grief.
My child is back now, living with me, and rarely sees dad, because, they learned about unconditional love, which dad does not have. It took about 6 months, but we are very close now, with great mutual respect. Best of luck to you.

36

I understand the emotions involved, but you are dead wrong on this one. Teens absolutely deserve to decide with which parent they live. Your daughter is an individual, not a piece of property. I moved in with my dad when I was 15, and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made - for everyone involved. Yes, my mom was angry and hurt at first, but in the end it was very good for our relationship. Your daughter is close to being an adult as it is... time for you to lead your own life. As for going into self-preservation mode - that is not an option for mothers. Do away with your feelings of hurt, betrayal and anger. Use this time to grow and mature as a person. See her when it is convenient for both of you. Talk on the phone every now and then. Accept her decision. Be calm and reasonable.

37

Hi,
I'm am 16 years old just like your daughter. My name is Kirstie, & I live in Hawai'i, my mother & I just got into a huge* fight about two months ago. I don't know your relationship with your daughter, but as for me and my mother it's been a rocky road since I was younger I used to blame my mother for everything that happened in my life. Like when my father left I blamed her because he left us & found another woman & eventually had two kids with her. I resented my mother so much! & forced myself to hate her. I was my daddy's little girl & I couldn't handle not seeing my father! It hurt so much! I was five when he left just, a few years older than your daughter when her father left. I understand how you feel because only now I finally understand and appreciate everything my mothers done. She put me through alot of hard times, but i've only become stronger throughout everything and I thank her because if i didn't go through those obsticales she threw at me I would have never became the person I am TODAY! I love the time away from her because i can finally focus on MYSELF and my school work. From being the girl who stayed home and cut school because my mom was always working and never had time for me, to being the girl who goes to work before school, then go to school, and afterschool go right back to work, and finally home to rest. And i'm the girl who learned responsibility and can finally say I have a 4.0 GPA. I know it's hard for you, because it's really hard for my mother. She feels she's a bad mother because I left and I don't wanna live with her anymore. And she wonders why i'm doing such a great job at my grandmothers house, but why couldn't I do the same at her house. Just know that your daughter loves you know matter where she goes or what she does, because i sure miss my mom ALOT! & i've only spent alone time with her once, since i've been away! Just keep your head up, and continue to do what your doing, i'm sure your a GREAT mom :)Have a wonderful day, God bless you.

-Kirstie.

38

You don't need to "move on." Your daughter can still be your life, even though she's not living with you right now. It seems that she wants to be treated like an "adult." So treat her like one. Use this opportunity to get to know her on another level. Go out to lunch and a movie on Saturday and talk like girlfriends. Show her that moms aren't all rules and regulations.

The vast majority of your relationship with your daughter will be spent with both of you as adults. It's starting, probably sooner than you wanted. But embrace it and show your daughter that you love and respect her by respecting her wishes to live elsewhere for now. Be loving and remain welcoming and she may very well change her mind.

Best of luck to both of you.

39

First of all you really need to be calm and talk to your ex about this. As far as your ex and his wife just tell them how you feel and just maybe they will be able to see where your coming from. What he did in a sense is wrong! Whether together or not you both need to be on the same page because I am sure if it was the other way around he wouldn't like it.

Secondly, you really need to talk to your daughter and tell her how you feel. She is 16 not 20! It sounds like she is in rebellion and wanting all the freedom she can get.

From experience do your best to reach out to her and lay down the ground rules. If she wants freedom then she must have respect and earn it ( but still enforce your morals and values). We live in a crazy world with all sorts of dangers for young ladies. You stand your ground your doing a good

job. Don't let her manipulation effect you into keeping yourself busy. You did all you could to provide and be there for her. Just continue to love her and be there for her when she is ready to talk to you or willing to come back.

Wishing you the best.

40

Cookie,

I know that you feel hurt and betrayed, but you have to continue to be the humble adult. You can not give up on your daughter because she needs you and you need her. You should make every effort to continue to be there for her. She is on the verge of becoming a young woman. She is emotionally ill equipped to deal with all the feelings, emotions, and thoughts that she experiences. You must remember that she will make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes will hurt you. Your love must shine through and you must not speak about your daughter in the past tense. She is apart of your life and you must continue to be a support for her. She may let her pride prevent her from reaching out to you. You must not do the same. You can convey your support and love without agreeing with her poor decisions. I know you love her and I know she will continue to cause you disappointment. You must be strong and let her know that you do not agree with her, but that you continue to love her and want the best for her. You should also have a heart to heart talk with dad!

Cheryl