Just a little rant I guess the holidays are coming up and I am always stressed out cause it turns into where are we going and if we don't go here we are going to piss people off and if we want to start our own traditions we are going to piss people off!UGH! My hubbys family all live close by but they never get together other than holidays where as my family all lives elsewhere all I have here are my mom, sister and grandma cause she lives with my mom I do have an aunt close by and she usually comes to holidays but other than that I don't get to see my family.
Just wondering how do you turn the holidays into what we should be celebrating instead of other things??
I recommend you google "how to create family memories for the holidays"....
Then be daring, and START your OWN traditions that will have lasting importance to you. It was a little hard to follow all your relatives and who lives with whom and where. But this is your life too and your do not need to appease everyone every holiday. Come up with an amount of time you are willing to waste, I mean, spend, with relatives you are not close to. It can be a meal out, a potluck gathering, a stroll through a beautiful Christmas area of town....then create your own memories with your own children and husband.....
Learn to say no and to care less about other people's opinions.
Sit down together as a family and look at your calender. You can decide on what activities you would like to do as a family, what traditions you will start and when, and if you can squeeze in time for others.
You do not need to give an excuse as to why you can't come to someone's party or event, just tell them you are all very busy, and wish them a happy holidays.
It's hard. I understand your frustration. If we went to everyones house for the holidays that invited us we'd have full days booked running constantly from house to house. It's exhausting. And with little ones they are cranky and tired from lack of naps. We finally decided to rotate thanksgivings to every other year and for Christmas we stay home. It's taken a few years to get it straitened out where we still see family around the holidays, but it's more spaced out. Instead of everyone cramming everyone in on Christmas we get together on New years day and play games and eat good food. Basically we visit only one family on each holiday. Much nicer.
Do some families celebrate the real meaning of the holidays? :0) I would LOVE to visit them and see it for myself.
Here it has always been about FAMILY getting together. At this point, we only see most people twice a year on the holiday. Literally. We never talk except on Thanksgiving and Christmas so obviously we have seperate lives.
Football is on most of the day.
We have started doing the actual holiday at our home alone. First year we insisted on hosting it. Third year we switched the day to the day before the holiday for the family meal.
Now, the fifth year, MIL(the reason we have get togethers at all) is not physically able to do much so she may book a restaurant. She could not allow anyone else to do it without her as she must be in control and must take credit.
I always felt that the holidays were to celebrate family. Yes. each of the winter holidays does have other important elements, differing depending on the faith, but the one common element acrossed the board is family. It can make things stressful, but I try to focus on how much I love everyone, and that makes the stress worth it.
It happens when you learn to say no and spend it with "your own" family at home and let everyone else deal with it.
Maybe make up another day far away from the holidays to spend with family. Maybe a annual family picnic?
But allowing everyone else feelings run your Holiday season is not the answer. You are only doing it because of guilt, not a good condition to have during this special time of the year.
Pull up your big girl pants and set up your boundaries! :)
You can do it. Do it now before the season gets closer and makes it harder for you to do. Doesn't have to be ugly just lovingly firm and don't back down cause if you do it will be that much more harder next time.
Wish you the best,
Caroline
I have posted this on others. Why don't you have an open house for either thanksgiving and/or xmas. From like 11am-3pm. have food set out and just say people can drop by when they can. That leaves the mornings and evenings to do whatever you want! And then its on them to come to your house and you can exchange presents, etc. I don't think we (the ones with kids!!) should feel obligated to drag everyone and everything around to everyone elses family parties. I hope you find something that works! Good luck!
Look ahead, make a plan, stick to it. Example this year it is Thanksgiving w/ my family, Christmas Eve with his, and next year we switch or pick which side you visit on Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve (always at the same one). Christmas is ALWAYS home and everyone can visit if they choose. Then everyone knows your plan and they have plenty of time to make their arrangements.
It is very difficult to bite the bullet and just do it, but after you do, you will not regret it! Have a sitdown talk with the hubby and figure out what you guys WANT to do for the holidays, not what you are obligated or guilted into doing. Then discuss it with the kids and get them excited about the plans you both agree on. Then each of you tell your respective families "this is what we are doing this year" and don't back down! Last year we finally did it, and it was WONDERFUL! The kids got to stay in their pajamas all day, play with their toys as much as they wanted to, didn't have to worry about losing pieces at Grandmas house or having cousins break their new toys. It was the first Christmas we have actually come out of not feeling completely exhausted and grumpy at the end of the day. Good luck! You can do it!
Well, you can try starting slow. This year tell everyone you are taking a year off from the usual hubbub and you are staying home for a quiet holiday.
My husband and I try to see family, but we have NO problem just staying at home. We just don't feel obligated to do anything. Luckily my parents are understanding and know that we have 3 kids of our own and have our own traditions to make/have. My husband's family is different. They are much larger than my fmaily and it becomes a big thing, but they do not expect us to travel the 24 hour drive it is to come see them. We prefer to do things at our house and have people come in, it is just nicer for us. So many people have this issue though. One of my friends just told me her kids don't really get to trick or treat because they have to visit all of their family on Halloween. WOW! Good luck to you, but try to enjoy it :).
Although none of us should be careless of the feelings of others, that does not mean we should not let them be responsible for their own feelings. People will inevitably become disappointed when the impose unfair, disrespectful, and sometimes manipulative expectations on others. Part of maturing is learning how to be considerate AND how to considerately set your own goals and courteously draw clear boundaries.
From what you have said here, it seems that your husband's family is nearby, but do not interact until the holidays. If you are not available at those times, there is a belief that they will be automatically offended. It seems to me that some effort could be made to give attention to nearby family at times other than the holidays. If you make the effort and they do not cooperate, then they really have no sound reason for you and your husband doing the fair thing and taking turns with family holidays.
There are more than 2 holidays a year. I have known families that would switch each year. One year they would have Easter and Thanksgiving with his family and the 4th of July and Christmas with her family. The next year they switched and everyone learned to be happy with that arrangement. Sometimes you just have to trust that people will adjust even if it is uncomfortable at first.
The sad reality is that our families do not take time to develop the art of consultation so that these types of decisions can be made and explained in a language that might avoid hurt feelings. As families grow and expand, these issues are always going to become a challenge and require adjustments. It should be expected and planned for.
One thing I learned to do as a mother is to think about the example I am setting for my child. Would I want my own son to feel manipulated over such things when he is grown and has a family of his own? Of course not! So, it is up to me to set the example of experimenting with ways to solve family dilemmas with dignity and loving care rather than with feelings of frustration, of being victimized, of assuming selfishness in others, etc.
I had a wonderful mother-in-law, but my own mother was prey to jealousies. It was easy for us to prefer to be at my mother-in-law's home for holidays. This was made a bit easier by the fact that my mother rarely offered to host and actually seemed relatively satisfied to share holidays with her children at their in-laws celebrations. But, there were many ways in which we had to divide ourselves in caring for parents. It helps if you explain your decision in terms of the principles involved. You can explain that the children need to have time with both sides of the family and that you want to be as loving, respectful, and fair as possible. It is important to remember that some people harbor immature feelings and may feel that your choice to be with the 'other' family automatically means you prefer 'them'. You cannot prevent people from thinking and feeling what they will. But, you can make sure you are not feeding such tendencies by taking the time to talk with them and express clearly that your motives are based in principle not in preferences. It isn't like we are in third grade and picking each other to be on our softball team. We are not 'voting each other off the island'. It is just so easy for people to feel rejected.
So, although I do feel we should care about the feelings of others and discuss these issues with them in a very caring way, we still have to grow up and know that we are all ultimately responsible for our own feelings and we cannot let the immature habits of others make our choices for us.
The real trick is for you and your husband to discuss these points and come to a unified understanding. Once the two of you have achieved a loving and respectful agreement, it probably won't be to hard to explain it to the rest of the family. One thing we learned to do as a couple was to ask ourselves if we were basing our decisions in love or in fear. That usually helped us to find agreements far more easily.
Make your holidays what you wish. It is perfectly legal!! Much as you might feel as if they are waiting to punish you for making your own decisions, there are no holiday police ready to toss you in jail.
Good Luck and HAPPY Holidays!
We did go to his family for their Easter get together and 4th of July last year I hosted Thanksgiving here with both of our families and his family made it very emotional for me they way they did things ok one aunt in particular! I did ask his family to maybe change having the big holidays on the actual day to make it easier on people that have to go to different houses and those of us that have kids now but they do not want to change there ways and I respect that!
I did talk to my hubby and asked if Thanksgiving could be our one Holiday to do every other year and for us to keep our Christmas they way it has been for the past 2 years and we stay home in our pjs all day my mother and step dad come visit the kids in the morning! I hope everybody has a wonderful holiday season!!