We lost our beloved koko last night and I don't know what to tell my 4 year old? I was thinking to tell him he went with my sister and her boyfriend he has gone to visit before. I don't want to tell him a non truth but I don't think he would understan the truth. Anyone go through this before? What worked for you. Any advice would be great. Thanks
I'm sorry for the loss of your pet. It's always hard to deal with a loss yourself but having to explain it all to a young child is an added difficulty.
Tell him the truth. Explain it in simple terms. If koko died after being sick make sure you tell your son that koko had a disease so he doesn't think he'll die if he gets sick. Same about not saying koko died in his/her sleep (because your son could think that he might die if he falls asleep). If koko was old and died you might want to think about saying koko had a disease so he won't think that every one of the elderly people in his life with suddenly die.
Be prepared to explain the loss over and over again for several months. Little ones seem to need to hear and discuss several times. Your son may or may not be upset. Or he may be upset a couple months from now.
My father died a little over a year ago and we had to tell my grandchildren ages 2-5 about it. The 3 yr old wasn't all that concerned until one of my cats died a month later. Suddenly the connection was made that when something dies it means you can't see it anymore. It's been over a year and we're still answering random questions. It was hard but I'm glad we were truthful.
This is the perfect oppurtunity. I would explain to him your belief. He isn't to young to not understand the truth. I think it was easier for my son to understand that everything dies when his fish did, rather then having to explain it when my dad died. My son was 4 when his fish died. And we explained it, and we had a burial and everything. So he will understand. Explain to him your belief system. If you believe in heaven and an after life (if you believe that), or if you don't know tell him that too. But I would tell him the truth.
Tell him the truth. He is old enough to start a conversation about death. You may want to check-out the library too- they often have great children's books on the topic. I use the book "Always and Forever" when I am working with young children following a death. You would be surprised by what he probably already knows!
Just don't lie to him... he will eventually find out the truth and will be very upset with you and mistrusting next time you have to address this topic with him.
I'm sorry for your lost I feel your pain, I really do.
Tell him the truth. We lost 3 pets this past summer. My 4 year olds bunny then her 10 year old brothers bunny. Then we lost our 6 month old puppy (who also belonged to the 4 year old). She was very upset and cried and it was along time before she would even look at a puppy and she loves all animals but she wanted nothing to do with them for awhile while she grieved but she got over it and although she still remembers it in detail she is ok with it. Don't lie about it because eventually he will want to know why koko isn't coming home. Kids are resilient and also very intuitive. They can sense your grief and will want to know what is wrong so you might as well tell them. Try to be specific about why koko died (for example... our puppy had a hernia, had surgery, got a blood clot and died.. I had to explain that not all pets or people will die from surgery or even blood clot and for sure not from a hernia but something went wrong) she asked alot of questions knowing that my grandmother has had bloodclots and surgeries, also the new puppy was spayed and so we went through a little bit of panic during that time as well.
Kids need to learn about death and pets make great teachers in all things including this subject. Also it is ok and even good to let your child know you are sad too, let him see you cry about this. Talk about it, grieve with him. That way he will learn that these feelings are ok. My parents always told me my pet had run away or got lost. I was searching forever for those beloved pets, then when my grandfather died I didn't know that what I was feeling was ok.
Again I am so sorry for your lose. Hope this helps:)
I went thru this when my now 12 year old was 3. Best thing I ever did was to tell him the truth in terms he understood cause shortly after that he lost 2 grandparents & an uncle. Couldn't tell them they went to visit someone...it helped him grieve & understand about God & heaven plus I got him a kids book about death & heaven that teaches them it ok & they r all in a better place.
Darlene, I'm so sorry for the loss of your pet!
But I must say, telling him that the pet is "visiting" family? That's ridiculous. The pet didn't go "visit" aunt and her boyfriend. He died. Your son isn't 18 months old and unable to understand. He may not quite know what "died" was but at 4 years old, it's time for him to be introduced to the concept. My kids always knew when the pets died, they came to the burials and were sad. If you don't want to tell a non truth, then don't. It would be a bad idea. He will need for you to explain what died means. He may not 100% understand if this is his first exposure to the concept but he is certainly old enough. People don't tell their kids those kind of lies anymore.
I told mine that God needed them in Heaven to be with the little kids there since animals can't have babies in Heaven.
Seemed to work.
I can't tell you what to actually do, but I can tell you what we did. Unfortunately we lose many cats as they have a tendancy to cross the road, alot! When our first Morgan was killed my oldest was 3. We told her that God needed a friend for person that died and soo the kitty went to cuddle with that person to help them. So her kitty was now in Heaven.
I know that they don't really understand about Heaven or God at this age, but they have to understand that the animal is gone and not coming back and that they will never see them again. It made my faughter feel better thinking that her kitty was helping someone and who knows, he might have been.
We lost our beloved dog in May and we explained to our 4 year old that Monet went to be with Jesus. Our dog had become paralyzed in her back legs so we explained that she was now running in heaven with Jesus. She took that very well and still tells people her dog is with Jesus.
Our kids were 4 and not quite 2 when our dog died. The 4 year old grasped the concept of a place where Moose was no longer in pain (he'd been achy for a couple of months prior...), and I told him about Rainbow Bridge, and he got it. It was a LITTLE different for us, in that we actually had to put Moose to sleep (he could no longer walk, so we knew it was time), and they got to say goodbye (but we didn't tell them he was put to sleep - we just said he died at the vet...). I know he got what we told him, because when my Mom died 18 months later, he instantly said "She's with Moose".
Louise
I am sorry for your loss. One of the good things about having pets through out childhood is that they help u understand and cope with death in the future. While telling your son that Koko died will be difficult for him it will give him something to relate his feelings to when a person in the family dies. Unfortunatly he will eventually have to cope with a family member dieing and he will remember how the family dealt with the death of koko and have an idea how to feel. Explain that Koko was good so now he gets to go to heaven and have all the treats he wants and now your family has an angel to look after you.
The pet must have been sick or very old. I would tell him the reason the pet died. I told my daughter (same age) her pet died because of an infection and couldn't get better (the truth). I said that his soul/spirit went immediately to heaven and that it was MUCH better for him there since he no longer hurt. We had a "funeral" (very important) and buried the pet in the backyard.
Definitely do not say the pet just left or went to stay with someone else. I had a friend whose parents did just that when she was about 8 yrs old. She's 40 and still has not forgiven them! For days she looked for her deceased dog and felt terrible and couldn't understand why he left her.
There are some good books on this topic for kids.
I'm really sorry for the loss of your pet. However, death happens and although sad it is a learning experience for your child.
Life and Death go hand in hand. Don't lie to your child. Tell him Koko died.
When the sensational six were ages ranging from 10 to 4, our cat died the cat was 18. We were honest with the children about death and that people, plants and animals die. A family friend hosted a funeral for the cat and buried the cat in his backyard (a bit extreme) but less than five months after that their great grand mother (whom the all knew and loved) died. The children were prepared because we were honest with them, had attended a funeral and a burial. God prepared them.
At every stage of development we prepare our children for life, death is a part of that too. Quiet as it is kept we all come with an unknown expiration date. Share your beliefs on death and life after death with your child. Don't be afraid be courageous and your child will be too.
Hi Darlene,
I am so sorry for your loss. It is so sad to loose a pet. Your Son should be plenty old enough to understand a simple explanation of death. You def. should tell him truth. Telling him the dog went to "visit" family...Not so good! He needs to be able to grieve and say good bye. This is a great lesson for later in life. I don't know about your religion beliefs, but if you don't talk about Jesus/God/Heaven you can just go w/the rainbow bridge. My kids know both. I can't find the link to the Rainbow Bridge, but if you google it it will come up. Again, So sorry for your loss.
I would go the "doggy/kitty heaven" route personally. I routinely explain death to my kids so it's nothing scary or saddening for them (I have an outdoor cat who sadly has a penchant for bringing dead/dying rodents into the house, so we have a fair amount of mini-funerals here) and explain that the pets made you very happy and was very good and he/she will be happy in heaven (or leave off the heaven part if you want)
Dear Darlene,
I agree 100% with all the advice you've gotten so far. I just wanted to chime in by recommending some books: Cat Heaven and Dog Heaven by Cynthia Rylant. (I mean, they're two different books: I just wasn't sure what kind of pet Koko was). They really help children accept this kind of loss in an age-appropriate way.
And I'm sorry for your loss as well! Losing a pet is sad for adults too.
Hi,
My pet bunny who we've had since she was 6 wks old until a mobth ago when she was 11 years old passed on. My kids loved playing with her, petting her, feeding her and miss her a lot!!
I told them she was not feeling well and we gave her to the animal doctor who has a lot of bunnies. All the bunnies will take care of each other bc we couldn't take care of her anymore.
And I reiterated that we won't ever see her again. She needs to be with other bunnies, mommy bunnies.
They were ok with this story...they ask me every few days but its easier than explaining death to a 2 year old and 4 year old!!!
I'm sorry for your loss. Its ok to tell them you're sad and miss your koko. Maybe you can make a card together.
Please don't lie to the 4yo about Koko going for a visit. It could come back to bite you later with the child afraid that if someone goes for a visit you never see them again. We lost our horse last January and our youngest was 2 1/2 yo. we told her that the horse went to be with Jesus in the clouds and that some day we will see him again. We are a Christian family so that works for us. She later asked to see "Promise" and We just told her that we can no longer see our horse but we still love him and he still loves us. We also will show her pictures whenever she asks about him. It keeps her memory alive of him and it seems to work.That also worked with our oldest when her fish died (she was about 4yo then). We told her that when someone dies they are no longer here. With the fish she helped us bury it but with the dog the following year (she was 5 1/2) we opted to let her know he die but did not have her see us bury him. We had a memorial for him later and she helped put the marker on his grave. A craft or art project can also help the child with grieving. So sorry for your loss but honesty at a childs level is the best policy. Alberta
I remember losing my dog when I was around 12, my parents were honest, but because of that loss, I just don't have the heart to have a pet other than a fish while my kids are still young. When the fish died, we said a little prayer, told the kids all toilets lead to the Ocean and he was going back to be with his Mom and Dad and made the flush heard around the world ;-). They were sad for a few minutes and then asked if we could get another pet - "a dog perhaps" LOL. They were 3 and 6 at the time so it's very hard for them to fully understand but I think honesty is the best policy. Good luck to you, you really can make it a "happy" occation by saying it's going to live with it's parents/family in heaven.