I just went in my 12 year old's room to pack his clothes for the weekend. I was looking for his PSP that he hid from his older brother to send it him. I found a whole laundry basket full of my underwear and two bras that belong to someone else! They were stuffed beside his bed, up against the wall and the mattress. When I started pulling them out, they were spread out all the way down the mattress, I ended up with a whole basket full. I don't know where he got the two strange bras. He stays at his grandma's house sometimes but I don't think these are hers. I am at a loss for words here. Is this typical boy behavior? I don't want to think about him masturbating, but does anyone think he could be doing that? Is 12-13 the age that boys start experimenting? I don't know anything about boys. I am afraid to tell his Dad because he might start hollering at him, and call him out in front of the whole family. My husband doesn't have a lot of tact. I know he will be embarrased when I tell him, I found my underwear and got it back, so I need some advice on how to handle this. He had a swimsuit of mine, that he knew I'd been looking for last month when we went on vacation. He didn't even give it back then. I'm really worried about him. He hasn't been real honest with us lately, he makes up stories thinking he's smart enough to do that and not get caught. He always gets caught. He doesn't have a lot of common sense, he gets caught really easily. He thinks he is so smart, and it's so obvious that he's not truthful. Do I confront him, I am really mad about this, or do I try to sit down and talk with him. I think he should have given my clothes back when I was hunting everywhere for them, all over the house, I didn't look in his room. I wouldn't have even considered my underwear could have been there. What do you guys think I should do? Please help!
jennifer, I have no boys of my own but I do have a 13 year old brother and he's never been caught going through our mother's underwear. No, unfortunately, I don't think what you're describing is normal. I work for a mental health agency in New Orleans and would reccommend evaluation for him... I mean, if you had found 1 or 2 pairs I would say that he may have just been curious and then was afraid to return them because he was ashamed; but a whole basketful? I would have to ask him for his excuse. The best way to approach it is to ask him while you are alone so that there's a low risk of embarrassment. See what his reasons are. If you really are concerned then talk to a social worker or counselor....if you live in Jefferson or Orleans parish I would be more than happy to hook you up with one of ours just send me a message on the side. All the best.
First of all I'm no expert, but from all I have read and all that I know about life, masterbation is perfectly normal. 12 is also probably about the age where boys (and girls) start to explore their sexual identity. You should not be concerned about it that much in my opinion. (Ask your husband what he was doing at 12! LOL)
Calling your son out or "confronting" him is the worst thing you can do. Perhaps the reason he makes up stories is that he doesn't feel he can come to you and talk without reprisal.
I know when my son gets to be that age I hope I have laid a foundation of MUTUAL trust so that he will feel free to come to me with his thoughts , dreams, and even failures.No matter what they may be. And yes, I too want to raise a child who is respectful, pleasant to be around and well adjusted. However I do know that sometimes the dreams of a child and the dreams that a parent have for them are not necessarily one and the same.
Good luck with your decision.
Jennifer:
It's possible that your son has started masturbating and the particular garments you mentioned are fantasy aids. If this is the case, there should be other tell-tale signs - sheets bundled up so you can't see any trace of semen, the same with socks or other items of clothing, or washcloths, towels, kleenexes, paper towels ... there are any number of items with dried semen that you could come across in his room if he's not very careful about hiding the 'evidence.' However, it is also possible that he has some other fascination with women's undergarments, one that is not necessarily sexual.
As I see it, you can do a number of things.
1) Talk to your husband about it after the boys have gone to bed. Show him what you found and tell him where you found it and how and be honest with him about all of your concerns, including his lack of tact. Ask him if he has any ideas about the situation, what your son could be using the underwear for, why he might be collecting it, etc. Ask him whether he wants to be the one to talk to your son about it or whether he wants to leave that to you. You have to be able to have a sane and honest conversation with your husband on the issue before you can hope to have one with your son, IMO.
2) You can have a sitdown with your son on your own (without bringing husband into it). You can show him what you found, tell him where you found it and how/why and ask him some honest questions. If you go this route, wait until you aren't hopping mad and be very plain-spoken and calm. Ask him if he's masturbating with the underwear. Your ability to ask him direct questions using the appropriate terminology (instead of euphemisms or slang, e.g. masturbating vs. jacking off), in a calm voice and with a lack of embarassment, may just surprise him enough to be honest with you. Then again, he may totally freak out. Don't be surprised if his biggest issue is the invasion of his privacy. However, since he's under 18 as well as your roof, he essentially has no RIGHT to privacy - it is a privilege that must be earned like any other. You can always keep the I'm-telling-your-father tactic as a last resort, but mean it if you say it and actually tell his father or you'll have made an empty threat which will undermine your authority with your son in the future.
3) You can clean out his stash and wait to see if he asks you about it. Then you can proceed to have a frank conversation with him, again using proper terms, staying calm and not showing any embarassment on your part. If he doesn't bring it up or come asking about where the undergarments have disappeared to, I would recommend a regular 'sweep' of his room, perhaps once a month, to see if he's continued his 'collection.' You can either keep confiscating the underwear and not say anything or you can confront him if it continues and you want it to stop. You may also want to widen your 'sweep' of his room and look for anything drug or alcohol related, anything he might be sniffing or huffing (glue, markers, any kind of aerosol cans, cough syrup, whipped cream in a can, paint, household cleaners - sadly, the list is endless) to get high. Read any notes from school you come across written by others, read any journal entries or any journal-like writing in notebooks, on scrap paper, wherever. We're talking about making sure your son isn't engaging in behaviors that could kill him or others. The underwear may just be the tip of the iceberg.
Also, should it come to a confrontation with your son, it may be helpful to show him the underwear you found rather than just telling him you found it and threw it all away. Seeing the evidence sitting on the table or coffee table or couch (wherever you're having your sitdown) may also help him be truthful.
But the biggest problem is that teenage boys are notoriously secretive and monosyllabic, so he may just decide to clam up and not say anything. You probably need to decide going into it how important it is to you that he be truthful. If it is just a masturbation thing, ok, it will be very uncomfortable for him to talk openly with you about it. You can tell him that the underwear collection is a little disturbing and you can tell him that you don't want him filching any more undergarments - maybe you can let him have one of the panties back with the understanding that he not collect any others - but I wouldn't talk to him with the goal being to keep him from masturbating. Just ask him to confine his masturbating to the bathroom and provide lots of trash cans lined with bags so you don't have to touch any of the discarded tp or paper towels in the trash can.
If it's tied to drugs, alcohol, huffing or other high risk behaviors (like underage and unprotected sex), you'll have to get to the bottom of it asap - when it comes to his life, do whatever you have to do to keep him safe.
If he is collecting the underwear because he likes to try it on and wear it, there may be some gender identity issues. You will have to proceed carefully because if it is gender identity, those children are very much at risk for suicide as well as substance abuse. Again, always keep in mind that you love your son, above all else - that will hopefully help guide you in choosing a course of action and in responding to whatever it is your son tells you or what you find.
Good luck! I hope this helps - my suggestions are just that, suggestions and you may decide you don't like any of them. If that happens, hopefully the suggestions will spark your own ideas about how to approach your son and deal with the situation at hand.
One last thing: I would make sure his brother is kept out of it. This is not something a sibling needs to know about.
Let us know how it goes.
Best,
Susie
I am raising one boy, 15, as well as three girls. At 12 and 13 that is all he was doing, in his room locked for hours, in the shower forever. I took the approach of not embarassing him about it, because it is normal. It passes. I would confront the story telling, and maybe returning the underwear. It is awkward for a mom to talk to her son about some things. But you may find a way to do the sex talk, maybe get a book or whatever works for you, if you think the dad would embarass him. At this stage that is all they are thinking about (sex).
I think his masturbating is perfectly normal for that age and I wouldn't be worried about anything. I think it's be a good idea for another man to talk to him about it and explain that it's not good to take your underwear etc. to masturbate into. It seems like it'd be very embarrasing for both of you if you talk to him about it but I think if it is another man, either Dad or an older male relative, frined or peer it might be easier.
just sit down and talk to him and she whats going on.
It is perfectly normal and natural for boys to masturbate at that age. The underwear may just be a visual stimulus. If talking to his dad is going to result in his dad embarasssing him about it, then don't talk to his dad. Too many boys grow up thinking that there's something wrong with them because they have this urge.
If he's trying on the underwear, then it could be that he is transvestite. There is also NOTHING WRONG with this. Some men get a thrill from wearing women's underclothing, especially if it's silky or lacy fabric - it feels good. Some men have full female outfits, including wigs and makeup. Most transvestite men are straight. You might even offer to buy him a few items of his own so that he doesn't take other people's.
I would have a talk with him about taking things without permission, and about lying. He may have been afraid to come forward with it because of his dad.
remove the underwear from his room, he'll know what happened and he'll be embarrassed enough by it, that he probably won't continue. you will, however, if you haven't already, get him all the info on sex and safe sex that you can. it's the age that it starts to become part of normal conversation among yound teens, and he needs to be armed with all the info on how to protect himself. masturbation is completely normal even as early as age 10. if your husband would freak out, then don't tell him about what you found. if he doesn't have access to pornos or other such visually stimulating material then that's probably what he's been using as a visual device. the underwear from outside the home is what would bother me most, especially with the horrendous state of sex ed today. make sure he starts carrying a condom at all times. we all know that a hyped up little of bag of hormones is not going to say no to a girl saying yes.
Wow. I’ve seen some of the articles and I decided to make an account because parents really don’t understand that things are different than when you were a kid.
Most kids are becoming sexual at 13-14 years old now, and I mean with a partner. It’s not uncommon for a 10-11 year old to be masterbating frequently. I’m 14 now and I was masterbating in the fourth grade. I was 10. It would be helpful for you to understand that he isn’t a little kid anymore. I can say that the way you handled it was good though. I had to listen to my mom yell at me for a half hour. I hope this helps
I’d take him to a doctor who speilizes in gender issues it sounds like he might want to be a girl then maybe not it don’t mean he’s gay I’m a transgender female and I’m not gay even though there are some that are
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I’d take him to a doctor who speilizes in gender issues it sounds like he might want to be a girl then maybe not it don’t mean he’s gay I’m a transgender female and I’m not gay even though there are some that are
Hi Jennifer it’s normal I did this with my sister’s underwear 😳
I have been dealing with this for a year with my 14 year old stepson. He steals mine, his sisters and my granddaughters panties, bras, socks and I find them in his room. At first I thought it was normal but he’s been caught 12 times and still continues. I’m beginning to feel it’s a problem now. He says he doesn’t consider the consequences. Repeat behavior that isn’t changed isn’t normal, no matter how many people try to “normalize” it.
Well, we had a talk with him, my husband and me together. He said he used the underwear to satisfy and urge he had. My husband wouldn’t let me ask him anymore about that. I told him my underwear are my personal property, and I didn’t appreciate him taking them. That he should respect other people’s property. He said he took the other bras from his Grandma’s house. I left the room then and my husband talked to him a few minutes by himself. He told him that what he’s doing is natural but not with your mothers underwear. That was it. Then my son brought out some more underwear out of his room. I don’t know what to do next, if anything. My husband doesn’t want to have a sex talk with him. He said I could do it. He said his Dad or Mom never did that with him. I never talked to my parents either. I learned things from school. A lot of it was wrong. He is only 12, a big part of me is screaming that he’s still a little boy. Well, that’s it for now. Please pray for us, that we can handle this situation in the healthiest way possible for my son, and me! Thanks for all your advice. Ecspecially Susie, thank you!