Dear Debbie
If you are even considering taking your husband back after having a long affair, then perhaps you must follow your heart. If you were really ready to let go of him, you would not even consider taking him back.
Take a look at this website, it may be of enormous help to you:
http://www.drirene.com
It's a wonderful website.
All the best to you, sorry you have had to undergo such pain.
I'm so sorry he put you through this......Hell No don't take him back!!!!!!
Dearest Debbie,
You mentioned that God is always with you so I will start there. No one can tell you what to do. You will have to pray heavily for His guidance. I am assuming that you and possibly your husband are believers. In Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, not just a God out there somewhere. This needs to be your first step before a marriage can truly survive. Goodness, my husband and I have been married for almost 17 years and it's never been "easy". Marriage is work. We are currently going through a book with a group of people (there are facilitators) and I would highly recommend it. It seems like we are finally getting to the true root of our issues. It's based off the book by Ken Nair, "Discovering the Heart of a Woman". You can check out the website www.lifepartners.org to get more info on it.
Basically, unless your husband is willing to do WHATEVER he needs to for you all to have a healthy relationship, you will probably find yourself in this boat again later on. His heart needs to be truly repentant and willing to go to counseling (by a christian counselor) and whatever else you ask him to do.
There will be people telling you to "blankety-blank that blankety-blank" so be careful. Do what God is calling you to do. If your husband refuses to go to counseling, you should at least go by yourself. Seek guidance from your pastor or another mentor in the church.
I will be praying for you. This won't be an easy road, no matter which path you choose to go down. Hang in there. Jesus does love and care for you very much. His heart is just as broken over your husbands choices as yours is.
Praying earnestly for you all.
Debbie,
The only advice i have to give you is if you decide to take him back, make his coming home is conditional. Lay out your expectations. Tell him he can come back if he submits to individual and marriage counseling. Have him agree to the things you expect from him to make you feel secure in the long road of rebuilding the trust between you two. If he's not willing to do these things then tell him you will be ready to take him back when he is serious about making things work. It's so important that a change is made...otherwise you will fall back into your old routine and he may feel tempted to cheat again. The two of you together need to get to the root of why he turned to another woman in the first place... what is it about his life or himself that he is dealing with, running from, or avoiding? Just my opinion... in the end it's what you decide. You get to make the rules of him coming home after that, the balls in his court. make him show you he wants to make it work... what he says is great but, it's what he does that is really going to count. Blessings to you in whatever you decide.
i'm a little confused, he has been in a 2 1/2 yr affair, but he told you he wanted a divorce after meeting her 2 weeks. did you stay together 2 1/2 yrs after he asked for divorce or was there another affair? all that aside, you never stay for the children! kids know an unhappy home when they are living in one! it is better for the child to have 2 separate happy homes than one unhappy home with both parents. You owe your children every happiness that you can give them, but sacrificing your own will not bring them happiness.
as far as this other woman, I don't think that a happily married man asks for a divorce after only two weeks with someone new. either he was very unhappy for a long time like he says or he met her a lot longer ago! and she is a fool to have left and divorced her husband for a married man! I believe that sometimes a man or a woman makes a mistake but it is always short term if it was a mistake and those should maybe be forgiven if they only happen once. when someone has a 2 1/2 yr. affair it wasn't just a mistake it was a careless , selfish and hurtful affair that didn't turn out better than the marriage in the long run , so now let's call it a mistake that he is sorry for? My advice to you is that you probably need to move on with your life. ordinarily I am for working things out and not giving up on a marriage, but 2 1/2 yrs is a very long mistake to forgive! what makes you think that it is really over with her or that he won't find some seemingly greener grass a year from now? the fact that you really thought that you both were happy and passionate, has to make you wonder ...are you that blind? or is he that good of a liar/actor? I would be very hesitant, no I would not hesitate, I just would not take him back. this is my honest feelings. I wish you all the best and hope that you make the right decision for you. Oh let me add, that my first husband and I went through a separation for this very reason (only I was the cheater), after 6 mths we decided to try it again, we were very happy for a year or two, and then it really hit the fan...we both openly went out on the marriage (we had given up, no respect, no love etc.) we ended up divorced. I was single for 10 yrs before I remarried, I would never cheat again, I would leave before I would cheat, but that is me. You live and learn, life is a lesson. Again, my best to you!
Debbie,
I have not experience in this area what so ever, however I might suggest on your end putting a lot of space between you and your husband! I know this might seem strange, however whenever I am going through a particularly difficult time with someone or an issue, I like to give whatever is bothering me a lot of space! You certainly have every right to be angry, and hurt by the recent events!
I would also encourage you to pray, I don't know how spriitual you are, but I find praying and just talking it out really helps me out! Allow your daughter who is also hurting to see her father, let the issue lie between you and your husband! The less involved your children are in this, the better! IF you are able( this is tough one to ask), stay as calm and relaxed as you can, try getting through each moment one breath at a time!
Good luck, and God bless!
Debbie,
Where should I start. I have been in the some what of the same spot you have been in. My husband had an affair it was for 4 years. No, I didn't know about it till the very end and he was actually deployed to Iraq when he told me everything. I knew that he had became friends with this girl I went to high school with she was a lot younger then me. I didn't find out all the details and how long the affair was till he was deployed to Iraq and told me everything. So yes I had my chance to walk away and never look back. Trust me I thought about doing that a lot. We however at the time been married for 8 1/2 years and have four little boys. Mean while we are working it out. This Nov. we will be married 10 years. It's not easy getting over the hurt of what he did. He's earning back the trust that he destoryed. He knows that he destoryed it and he's the only one that can show me that I need to trust him again. By all means it has not been a easy road, but I do love him. I know he loves me. If you ever want some one to talk to you can send me a message.
Your in my prayers and if this is what you want it will work out. I am a true believer in that. I just put in God's hands and let me lead me through it. Since all of this my husband was just in the national gaurd. We decided to go active duty to start over and a fresh start away from all our old friends. Yes, that means we had to leave our family behind, but sometimes you have to do that though.
You have to decide what you can live with and what you are willing to work through. I know that all things are possible with GOD in control. God can forgive and restore anyone if they want to change. Be encouraged and find strength and peace in God's word. Phillipians 4:4-8
Wow I am so sorry! I am a big supporter of working it out if AT ALL POSSIBLE! However, one thing you said really stuck out to me...and that he should have just left her as a friend...someone who got caught up in an affair because he put himself in that situation should not (in hindsight) still view the situation this way. This is very concerning to me and as hard as this is on your family, it will be harder if you open yourself (and them) up to his betrayel again if he is just sorry in the moment. I don't know much of this story and I couldn't even begin to give you a "do this" type of advise, but I would go slow and make sure the two of you get serious counseling first. Make sure you have no reservations about going back if you do. I think the second time would be just as hard. The shock may be less, but the trama of doing this to your kid would take it's place. Good luck and I hope you get peace about whatever happens!
Debbie, my heart is breaking for you. On the one hand, I know what a blessing a family can be, but in this case I don't know if it will be a blessing or a curse. I kind of tend to think that you should divorce him. Not out of spite or anger, but out of self-respect. He obviously didn't respect you the way you deserve to be respected. I am not sure now that his "relationship" has ended, that you should be there to pick up his pieces...who was there to pick up yours?
Did she dump him? I find it hard to believe that after two and a half years, he finally "realized what he had lost" and decided to come back. Did he get kicked out and needs someplace to stay. Sounds to me like he is a passionate man, but passionate about whomever...
I think your daughter will be fine if you two get divorced. I think in the end, if she sees you as a woman who is strong and able to take care of her and of yourself, she too will become a strong and independent woman. Later, I believe that she should be told about her father's antics and know that you didn't put up with it and neither should she in her relationships. What would be your advice to her if her husband did the same to her? Anyway, I know that you see the situation as one where you can have everything you want back again, but how long will it take him to do it again. I am sorry for the loss of your true love, so take some time to grieve. If he truly loves you and only you, he will continue to pursue you after the divorce. YOU ARE A WOMAN OF GOD AND DON'T LET ANYONE EVER TREAT YOU LESS THAN YOU DESERVE! Love and blessings to you and your daughter!
Debbie, I see you have tons of Great responses that will hopefully help you. I felt compelled to respond since I was in your situation with my ex so many times. It is very confusing especially when you have a child involved but remember staying for the children is not the answer. They sense the confusion and unhappiness.
I was with my ex for 15 years. It was my first marriage and his third. He started his first A (affair) only after 2 months of marriage. I was completely clueless. That is when the verbal abuse started which can be just as bad as the physical, which he never did. I discovered the A probably about 6 months after it began. Needless to say I took him back, set conditions, & we started Marriage counseling. The verbal abuse continued and I really beleived this was normal. It wasn't normal but with my low self esteem I just didn't see it. My ex had 8 (eight) yes I said 8 affairs that I know of during our marriage. Each time I took him back set conditions and more counseling. After we had our child, I somehow grew a backbone. Not sure why other than I did not want my child to see that it was ok for women to be treated that way. We seperated and after several months I agreed to try to work things out while we were seperated. Bam he did it again. We are now divorced and I am so glad. He never changed but always tried to make me see how he could. He was a great manipulator and actor. Things would change for a while but never stayed for very long. It was just an act.
Regardless what anyone tells you on this site, you are going to do what you want until you have had enough. The only advice I can give you is open your eyes. If you want to work things out, start out by doing it seperated first and definately get into counseling, Marriage and Individual. I am still in individual counseling and it has helped me so much to build my self esteem but I feel I will never be the same after my experience with my ex. I am not trusting and I fear relationships. My guard is always up not to let anyone in too close.
My ex has lost his job since we seperated and just recently found one. I agreed to help him out while he was unemployed because he had no where to go BUT it is only temporary and the date has been set and creeping up (YEA). I make him keep all of his things in the garage and no key has been given out. I provide him with a list of chores each day which I expect to be done or he can go right now. I'm ready to have my house back anyway.
There is also if you decide to work on your marriage there is a website you can go to with lots of information on infidelity and recovering a marriage. www.marriagebuilders.com. Good Luck to you and I wish you all the best.
I am so sorry this has happened to you and your faimly. I was married for 15 years to my college sweetheart before I found out about his affair. At the time our children were 10, 6 and 4. We tried the counseloring but he refused to take it seriously.
He never thought I would divorce him but I had to for my sanity. Like you I worried about my children but I learned that children know when someone is treating someone badly. If it goes on they lose all respect for them. Your children need you! Do what is in your heart.
I can speak from experience that reconciliation is possible and that God can restore the time the locust have destroyed. That being said, it takes a LOT of work on the part of both spouses. For you, forgiveness will be a painful process but it is possible!!! There are consequences for his sin and they are far reaching. If your faith is strong and you have trusted Christ as Savior, He will guide you in the right decisions for your family. Gods power is made perfect in our weakness and He wants nothing more than for us to rely on HIM 100%.
Personally I would have a contract for him to sign as far as the things that you need to see happen before he moves back in and I would encourage you both to consider what a reconciled marriage would look like so you both are on the same page (details are good). There are lots of good therapists out there who can assist with the process. God bless you and be with you during this difficult time.
Let me be the first to tell you once a cheater always a cheater! If you allow your husband to come home what are you teaching your daughter? I know you say she does not know about the other women trust me she knows more then you think. Your husband is stringing both you and your daughter along not to think of the other women that has already destroyed her family for him. Perhaps the grass was not greener on the other side of the fence but once you play in another yard you can't come back to mine.
Good luck and stay strong someone out there loves you. What does not kill us only makes us strong!
Lynn
Debbie, I hope you have respect for yourself. God does want us to forgive, but He also wants us to be happy with ourself.Can you forget and forgive and move on, or will you bring up the affair everytime you and your husband has a disagreement? Think about this and don't use your daughter as a pawn.
I know exactly what I would do. Espically if I had a daughter. She is learning what a marrage is suppose to be from you. Even if she is in her twentys before she knows about the other woman it will effect her judgment on the man she chooses to marry. Because you dont know the right thing to do I would suggest you go get counceling. I pray that God brings good judgment to you and helps you threw this very difficult time and the time after you have made you decision. God bless.
First of all, once a cheater, always a cheater. I went throught almost the same thing. My husband started cheating on me when I was pregnant with my 12 year old daughter. We were happy and in love until I became pregnant then I wasn't quite so much fun anymore and had to put someone other than himself first in my life. Almost a year after our divorce (without any contact at all from him-he didn't even call to check on our child) he came to me telling me he wasn't happy, that he made a mistake and wanted me back. Stupidly, I took him back after several months of punishment from me and a few years later he did it again. With a woman 28 yrs his junior. I learned the hard way that no matter how sorry they say they are and how much they cry to you, he will always be a cheater. I do not believe that these men can change and given the opportunity to cheat again, they would do so. I know that I am quite bitter and my opinion is a bit tainted but it is better to be safe than sorry.
Let me just say that after your initial shock, the anger, regret, anxiety and depression will set in. I had this same thing happen to me, except that I found out about only 1 affair. I can't imagine what goes on inside a man's pea brain, but goes with the notion that the "grass is greener on the other side" and then when that pasture isn't new and exciting any longer...they want to come back. They manage to kiss your butt for only a little while before the old antics come back and you have to constantly worry who, what, when , where and why! That is not a way to live. I did it for 3 more years after I found out my husband's affair--mind you, just the one that I found out about. Plus, more than anything, I worried about WHAT he might be bringing back to me through his scandalous ways. Do you really want to be a mom to your children that has AIDS or some other disgusting disease?? Your daughter will find out one day and ask questions of why dad left. Do you want her to know that it is ok for a man to treat (her father) her mother that way?? Then she will think it is ok for a man to treat her that way since she watched you do it. I imagine you are fearful of being alone as I was. It is a trying time to figure out if you can forgive and forget...I tried to forgive first, making excuses and placing blame on myself rather than the blame on him. Geez...thousands of dollars later in therapy I can say that IT WAS NOT MY FAULT!! I forgave, and then I got angry and consumed on what he was doing because the bond of TRUST had been broken. I know some people say that they have their husbands come back and the marriage is stronger than it was before, but this day and age?? I just don't know. I have come to realize that there were more affairs that I simply didn't know about and here he was SELFISHLY coming back to my bed and possibly giving me something nasty. It's all about what makes them feel good and "wanted" at the time. They are so tunnel vision when it comes to one particular part of their body!! I'm sorry that you are going through this and I do actually have a heart and not so bitter anymore, but it has taken years to admit that I wasn't enough for him and neither was our daughter. He would do the same thing in a constant circle of events. I could mark my calendar like a menstrual cycle...yes, I think he had his period at least TWICE a month!! Be careful for you have the upper hand now and don't fall into the web of lies he will come up with. He is now having to dress like a wolf in sheep's clothing. Think about your future and your daughter's. It's a long road ahead to decide what is best for you. Know that you are not alone and there are different people with different scenarios that worked out for them. But, it helps to know what other people have gone through. Hope you are ok!! Hugs!
Hi Debby,
First i want to say sorry that you are going throught something like this. Debby it is not the end of the world and in the end you will make a decision for yourself but i would not take hime back he has betrayed your trust, love, mirrage, and your daughter so please don't think you have to be with him for the sake of your daughter he wil always be her father and i don't think that it is healthy for your family to have him home when he does not want to be there 100%. Debby don't allow him to have control over you only you have control you were strong enough to leave your last husband who made the choice to not treat you like the QUEEN YOU ARE! and don't think you can't find someone else to love you. people are put in our lives for a reason to teach us something wether the experience is good or bad we still learn something. Debbie it seems to me that he does not care about the way you feel and hasn't for the past 2 1/2 years of his unfaithfulness and for him to go as far as staying out once he told you is just disgusting don't let him play with your heart besides you want a man not a coward he should have been truthfull and given you the option on wether or not you were willing to except something like this. let him and that woman have a miserable life together. GOD ALMIGHTY does not reward adultery.You are STRONG, BEAUTIFUL, SMART, and the list goes on. May God see you through.
Hi Debbie,
after reading your e-mail I can only imagine the hurt and frustration you must have gone through, but please, please, do not GO back to your husband for the sake of your child. I say that because even though it is hard for your daughter and she misses him, having him back for THAT reason will not make things better for you or your marriage.
There are issues to deal with and hurdles to jump and he must PROVE himself to you. Personally, if he felt he made a mistake and wishes he had just left her as a friend, then he can start by leaving her! Let him get his act together on his own, allow visitation for his daughter but arms length for you and him until you have both sought counseling and you can really TRUST him again. It will always be in the back of your mine...will he do it again, if so when and with who. The one time he doesn't come home as expected, will you automatically think he is cheating again. Let time heal your wounds and hurts and if it is meant to be and if he really cares for you as he claims, then he will be there.
Honestly Debbie, women can get through such an ordeal as this far better than men and we are survivals because of our children. We can also go it alone, men on the other hand are not as strong as they portray, allow him to come back only after things have been worked out and you can totaly trust him, not because he sends you flowers and tell you he actually loved you more than her just so he can have a place to rest his head.