I've seen this through my sister's eyes. My sister and her husband just got the big D. My brother in law was caught cheating a couple of times and my sister always took him back. My sister finally got a head on her shoulders and thought of someone else other than her self--her 10 year old daughter---yes he is the bio father. She use to always use the excuse of not wanting her daughter to grow up with out her dad but this last time she her daughter asked when daddy was coming home my sister told her he's not and they got in a long talk and my neice said in more words it's about time.... Even though my neice was sad she was happy because there wasnt going to be any more drama in her life having to listen to all the fighting and the name calling. The divorce was final this month and they have moved on, my sister bought a house and my sister and neice are building their lives back. My sister seems much happier knowing he's not going to hurt her any more with the lies. my brother in law has told her he wanted her back but she is sticking to her guns and told him that if her can live for 5 years with out anyone in his life (meaning no women) she will remarry him. Through out the ten years I can count like 5 other women he cheated on her with including one that had her same name. I dont believe he will ever change.
So as for your situation I believe if you can really find it in your heart to forget it then it my be able to work but if not I think you should move on. A relationship that only one or one and half is working on will not survive. I know it's a hard thing your having to deal with but think of it as this------you have given him a chance after you found out about the other woman and he chose to keep that relationship going---that shows no respect for you. If he is still seeing the other woman to this day I would just walk away from the relationship or put it on the line and tell him that he needs to choose who he wants to be with. Your little girl should not be in the middle of this so just leave it to the realtionship parts.
I really do wish you the best for you and your family.
Debbie, so sorry for your pain. Please call 1-800-NEW-LIFE they have the most awesome christian counselors, if not for you and your husband, definitely for you! (check out their website too, www.newlife.com They also have a radio show also, and lots of books on this subject, one of which is "Every Man's Battle" My prayers go out to you!
Hi Debbie, I am so sorry this has happened to you and that you are having to deal with your husband's mistake. I have not been in this situation myself but was also the product of divorced parents due to infidelity. I think you guys should seek good marriage counseling. I work for a married Christian couple, Michael & Amy Smalley, that do marriage intensives i.e. 8 hour counseling sessions which get way more accomplished than just weekly counseling. Their website is www.crashintolove.com or www.gosmalley.com. They are awesome. They are also Christian authors and speak all over the country (which is the side of their business I work on - not the intensive side). I know that they can help you if you are up for it. Good luck & God bless.
Debbie, my heart aches for you... I will pray for you and your decision. Satan likes to destroy what God created. Your marriage is sacred and Satan was there prowling around. If it is in God's plan you will forgive and trust your husband again. Forgiveness and Trust are the two most difficult virtues to apply in life. Pray about it often. It is a long road to recovery, but it can happen. I just recently came back from an ACTS retreat. Someone shared a similar story and God helped her through this difficult situation and they are both happily married and very involved with the church and serving others. If you have the opportunity, I would recommend that you first seek marriage counseling and in time when God calls you by name sign up for an ACTS retreat. Your spirit will be renewed and you will feel that heavy cross you bear lifted up. God bless you!
Debbie,
I'm so sorry your going through this first of all. I have somewhat been down this road before except my husband was using the internet as his tool and who knows how far he took it. I must tell you that If you decide to take him back just know that trust is out the door. It's going to be an ongoing thought crossing your mind any time he walks out that door. It's hard enough to deal with what they did ,but even harder to be with someone and feel like you cant trust them anymore. It has made my relationship miserable at times. Before taking him back I would suggest you go to counseling for yourself,and couple counseling. I know in my situation I gave it a try for my child,but believe me to this day it's so hard for me to get those thoughts out of my head,and the ugly feeling of being unable to trust him again. Our relationship will never be the same again just like you I thought I found someone i could trust with my life and who would be commited to me to the fullest..I think for your childs sake try going to counseling first then see where that leads and how you feel after dealing with your deep feelings. God bless and I hope for the best for you and your daughter.
Debbie, you and I are close in age (I am 46)so I believe I can relate to you in a personal way. I used to think "once a cheater always a cheater" but that is not necessarily so. That may be true unless the offender turns their life completely over to The Lord. If Jesus isn't Lord of all then He isn't Lord at all. He HAS to be Lord over your marriage relationship. I can tell you from experience that there is hope for your marriage. Although there are specific circumstances in scripture that allow for divorce, God clearly hates it, (Malachi 2:16). With God all things are possible so if your husband is truly repentant and will agree to Christian counseling you should give him the chance to make things right. It won't be easy but if you look to the Lord for comfort, wisdom, guidance and most of all His will you will experience a strength to endure that you never imagined. If your marriage can successfully survive this it can survive anything! There is so much more I would like to say to you so feel free to email me if you want and I will be happy to talk with you personally. It always helps to have a voice of empathy. I would also like to recommend a book called "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley, Jr. It can give you both great insight regarding your relationship and how you relate to each other. I would like to share a couple of scriptures that practically held me together, Philippians 3:13 and Ezekiel 36:11. One last thing, I was glad to hear that your daughter doesn't know about the affair, there is no reason for her to know. I will pray for you too. God bless you girl!
Hell no! Don't let him come back home. But I'm sure you will - that's how it usually happen. My advice:
He asked for a divorce...yes, because she already got hers from her husband. Now it's time for him to get his and they will be married before you know it. Go ahead and give it to him. Why hold onto something that's not working. You can do all you can to make it work, but if he doesn't want you, don't force him to. Remember the saying..."if it don't fit, don't force it."
Of course he did wrong. At least he's man enough to admit it. But you said he keeps going back and forth. The bible speaks of a double-minded man. I can't remember where it's found but it says that "a double-minded man is wicked in all his ways." If he did it once, I guarantee he'll do it again. I've never been married but I've been in relationships where I'm told it won't happen again and it happened over and over. I had a daughter, too but once she got older I was able to explain it to her. I did took him back twice and after that, I just had to let it go. You'll be amazed at the opportuities you'll let pass you if you thrive on "should I take him back?" You have two adult kids and one who's soon to be a teenager. What else to you need? Men come a dime a dozen. There'll be more. Don't make yourself miserable by trying to figure out this one - leave it alone...put it in God's hands. Have you prayed about it?
You say you love him...I'm sure he loves you, too but right now he may not be in love with you anymore. So, let him go and sow his oates. Remember, you reap what you sow so don't allow him to hinder you and stop your blessings because of the wrong he's doing. He's not gonna have any good luck.
If your daughter is the only reason you're considering him back, stop! Don't use your daughter as your crutch. If the man doesn't want you..let his ass go! You'll let him back in, you'll be happy, your daughter will be happy (at first), and your husband will be miserable. Later, everyone will end up miserable because you took him back for the wrong reasons. Then your daughter will have to seek counseling because once he leaves again (and believe me he will) she's gonna be totally confused. That's why you should: #1 let him stay where he is and #2 do the best you can to raise your 10 year old without him. I'm raising my 3 kids alone and I feel real good about it because I know I'm a strong independent woman who can do whatever I put my mind to (with our witout a man). You just have to be strong, everything will get better. The bible says, "weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." God doesn't put on us no more than we can bear.
If you're a fighter and you know that God is always with you, act like it! Don't cry over spilled milk...it will eventually sour.
First of all I am very sorry for what you are going through. My husband after 14 years of marriage told me that he had been having an affair for the past year with a girl he worked with. I was like you totally shocked. We had our issues, but nothing to this extreme. He first made excuses on maybe it was better to end the marriage. The hard part also was that we have three children together, 10 boy, 6 girl and a 1 boy. He was born while the affair was going on. Our son was a suprise and I have horrible pregnancey's. I have diabetes and they require lots of medical intervention. It was a stressful time. Anyway, we are three months into our recovery. We have been in counseling recommened by our pastor. Our counselor is a God sent. She has been a vital source to our staying together. I feel your pain for you. I am here telling you, you can work this out. It does take lots of prayer, hard work and time. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I know my marriage was saved and it is on the road to being even better than ever before. God's blessing to you!
Hi Debbie. I just want to say that noone can make up your mind for you. This is something that you will have to do yourself. I have been involved in and witnessed cheating relationships. Most of them never changed, they still continued to cheat. One did change and has made a world of difference. If you do take him back it is going to be very difficult. Take some alone time don't think about what he has told you, think about how YOU feel and don't use your daughter as an excuse to take him back. I do agree with seeking help. I don't know what area you are in, but River Point Church in Richmond, TX is AWESOME. I hope that this helps. *HUGS
No!!!!!!!!!he done it once he'll do it again!!!!!!!i went through it ..took him back and two months later he was back with her ..he had been seeing her secretly for two years....
Your daughter will be ok!!!
I have been married for 9 years, I can say that I have not been in your shoes.But, my heart goes out to you. I'm not going to say "if I were you, I would....." Because, I believe that I don't know what I would do. As a woman I can say this, follow your intuition. He left you and his child for another woman. So often as women and mothers, we think of others and our children first. But, this time sweety you've got to think of yourself. If you want to think about your child, think of the message that you would send to her, about this situation if she were old enough to know what was going on. Many times when children are involved we say, "well, I"ll do this for the kids." Problem is the kids are ok, it is you that becomes the wreck waiting to happen. Ask yourself, "why is it that he wants to come home now?!" I think the answer is that she wasn't what he thought she would be. My mom always told us...."the grass is always greener on the other side, so you do what you have to get it.....then you find out that the grass is really turf!" He found out that he had real grass at home! She was not what he really thought she was and now he's sorry for it. He may really and honestly regret what he did. BUT, the question is, can you now live with him and what he did. Will you be able to trust him when he says "I'm going to the store, I'm going to the game, I'm going to hang with my buddies?" Can you trust him? I see that you believe in God, YES God is a forgiving God and he also forgets the things that we've done. And as a Christian it's our duty to forgive, but you know we don't forget! We should, but we don't! Can you do that? Can you say, "Ok, you did this and now you regret it, let's pick up and move on." If you're not confident in the answer, then don't move forward until you can!
I know this sounds selfish and cruel but leave your daughter out of the equation for taking him back...you need to decide if taking him back will make you and him happy in the long run. Not if it will make your daughter happy. If your husband and you are unhappy then your daughter will suffer in the long run. The biggest mistake people make is "staying together for the kids" it makes for an unhealthy situation and your children do not learn by example what a healthy relationship shoud be.
So go to couples therapy figure out if being together will make you two happy as individuals and as a couple so that your daughter will see a happy, healthy realationship between her parents. If not divroce and find happiness seperately and help her to find a way through the pain of that to see that mommy and daddy will be better parents to her because they are happier people seperatley than they were together.
Either way you are in a difficult situation and my heart goes out to you. Good Luck! ;-)
The best predictor of future behavior it past behavior. Chances are if you take him back, he will cheat again. Cut your losses and move on to someone who will cherish you as you deserve to be. Best of luck!
Even though it would be very hard for me (impossible, actually) to take my husband back after that, I know that the right thing to do would be to work on the marriage and make things right and stick together. You absolutely can NOT do that without having God as part of the marriage. God is the only one who can repair this. It is not something you 2 can do on your own. Only he knows if he is sincere on wanting to get back together and never cheating again. You can give him that chance, but I would definitely not stick around if he did it again.
NO..I was married for 23 years when the same thing happened to me. You will never trust him and chances are the same thing will happen again. I was so devastated when my husband asked for a divorce, but once time passed and I got myself back together, I am so much better off emotionally and financially. It is very hard on the kids, but they too will mend. Statistically, cheaters don't change.
Have you ever heard of a Dynamic Marriage class? My parents are advocates for it and have led a few sessions of it. They say they have seen MANY marriages that were destined for divorce be saved and come back more in love than ever before...even some that had one or both partners being unfaithful. That would be my advice...look for some kind of counseling/classes that you both could attend to work on your marriage. I am a firm believer that we should pull out all stops to save our marriages, and not just for our children's sake!
Hi Debbie,
So sorry that you are having to go through this. You should definitely follow your heart. If you want to try and forgive your husband and work things out then he needs to have his own place while the two of you go through counseling. If you allow him to immediately move back in then it could actually be worse for your daughter than it already is. Marriage counseling is a definite though if you are considering taking him back. He has to earn your trust back don't just give it to him. I am recently married after a previously bad relationship and our pastor required premarital counseling and he said a few things that really stuck. One he looked straight at my husband and told him that God gives him the job of leading the family but he had to earn my trust and continue to show me that he could do the job. He also said that God mentions many times that marriage is based on commitment not love because you can fall in and out of love but if you are committed then you can work through it and God will grant the gift of love. It seems to me that your husband forgot that and needs to be reminded. HIs family was a gift that he didn't appreciate and should have to earn it back. A Christian formatted couseling is a must if you plan on taking him back especially in hopes of it not happening again.
I'm probably not the right person to be giving advice about this since I have never been through this myself. I know you will follow your heart at the end, but just let me say that you deserve and have the right to be happy! I know you say he is the love of your life, but would that person do these things to you? You can't stay in a marriage for anyone but yourself. It won't do your daughter any good for her parents to be married but unhappy. She will see this! It is better for everybody in the long run for you and your husband to do what needs to be done in order for you BOTH to be happy. It will be very hard, and I know it is easy for me to say this because I am not in this situation. Only you know your family, and pray for God to help you know what to do. You need to feel loved and secure as much as he does. BUT, he has already told you he has not been happy for a long time, right? So, why would you want to stay in a relationship with someone that obviously doesn't want to be with you anymore? It will be difficult on you and your daughter no matter what in my opinion. Either you take him back and live a lie (which she will see and it will not do her any good), or you divorce and hopefully find your TRUE Mr. Right and be genuinly happy for good! No matter what your decision, the outcome you want is for you to be happy and content with yourself. Your daughter, I think, will be happy too when you are happy! I wish you the best. God Bless!