Hi all! I'm new to the group and unfortunately need to post about something very sensitive.
About a year ago, my teenage daughter was sexually assaulted by a friend of hers. His family are friends with my relatives and my daughter has known him practically since birth. We approached the boys parents about what happened and they did absolutely nothing about it. We wound up getting into a shouting match with the boys father, which went nowhere. Looking back, I feel like we probably should have called the cops as soon as we found out about the situation, but at the time, we figured we'd just deal with the boy's parents, given that he's a minor.
Well, cut to this weekend. I was invited to a surprise party for my sister in law, who is very close with the boy's mother. As soon as I was invited, I asked who will be there and may not be able to come if a certain someone (the boy's mother) will be there. I found out this morning that the boy's mother will in fact be there. I'm not surprised, given that the boy's mother and my sister in law are close. So of course I responded and said that I will not be able to attend. It's a small group that is attending and there is no way that I will be attending a small event with the mother of the boy who assaulted my daughter. I know that I'm doing the right thing but my sister in law doesn't know the situation and I don't want her being upset that I didn't show up. I was thinking of telling her after the fact that I'm sorry that I missed her party but that I hope she had a great time. My daughter will always come first, full stop!! I know I'm doing the right thing and don't owe anyone any explanation, but
I would still like to hear what other people would do or have done in similar situations. Thank you so much for responding.
Well, you either tell her, or stick to your perfectly rational stance of not having to explain your decisions to anyone, and understand that she might be a bit stiff with you over it.
I’m more concerned about the fact that there is an unrepentant sexual predator out there and that, having got away with it, he’ll do it again. Probably a lot.
Going public is risky and uncomfortable, and I get it if you and your daughter don’t want to. But letting dangerous people go unchallenged is an ethical dilemma, and a lot more important for you all to think about and discuss than the stupid surprise party.
I am hoping your daughter has received and/or is receiving counseling for being a sexual assault victim, and I’m wondering if the counselor could be helpful to you also with navigating this situation. I share Suz t’s concerns about the boy having received no consequences and/or no help. The question of whether or not to press charges (a year later is not too late) is, of course, your daughters, but because your worlds seemed connected, this party could be the first of others, and my guess is the there may be situations where your daughter could also potentially be in contact with this boy, which would be very traumatic.
Personally, I think staying quiet is not helping your daughter or this boy. Look at what happened to that son from the family that used to be on TV because they had a lot of children, the Duggars. Their oldest son’s crimes when he was a juvenile were swept under the rug, and he ended up continuing to offend and is serving a lengthy prison sentence. He’s also a father of 7 now….so many lives are impacted by these things.
As for this party, I think I’d share with your sister-in-law that unfortunately you won’t be able to attend due to an issue with this woman. I guess you don’t have to tell her the specifics until you’re ready. For now, ask her to trust you and speak to her friend if she wants a better understanding of the situation. The friend will lie, but at least she will be aware that this isn’t something that can just be ignored.
I think you should report it. I hope your daughter is ok and can get counseling if needed. A year is totally in the statute of limitations. I would be telling the sister in law why too. And the cops. He will do it again.