My very near and dear friend recently had a miscarriage. She has been trying for a while to get pregnant, and was obviously devastated when this happened. My husband and I have just found out that we are expecting baby number three. This was completely unplanned,(but not uncelebrated.) My question is this, How should I go about letting her know. I feel like I'm rubbing my overactive fertility in her face. My heart broke for the loss of her child, I don't want to cause her more pain. I just don't know how to go about it.
Right now I'm just kind of avoiding the issue.
Congratulations to your family!
You won't be able to avoid the pain; so just hit it head on, and give her space to heal. Understand if she doesn't wish to share in every moment. Talk about things other than your pregnancy, but don't let it be the elephant in the room. Maybe have another friend on hand for when you want to complain about the feelings, etc., associated with your pregnancy.
It's much worse if you wait. She'll be insulted. Just tell her what you told us. It's obvious that you know about and shared in her loss, so you don't have to pretend that that does not exist. Tell her that you don't want to hurt her but, of course, could not avoid telling her. Let her determine how involved she can be. Each of you has a right and an obligation to decide what is needed for each set of circumstances, so if that means that she gets another friend to help in her grieving and you get another friend to share all the joyous moments of your pregnancy, do so...and be honest about it. Neither of you can help the timing of this, but each of you has a different set of needs that might require a little space.
This is very delicate, as you realize. Keep in mind that you have a right to be happy about your pregnancy, and she has a right to feel whatever mixed feelings she'll have. Don't be angry with her or otherwise take it personally, but don't downplay your happiness. Most of all, be willing to be open and honest. Like I said earlier, it's pretty insulting when someone tiptoes around you.
I see no responses, yet, before me (how interesting).
I have been there. I had two miscarriages before finding that I needed surgery. And now have three healthy boys (no longer babies, though).
If I were in your place, I would approach my friend in a casual way then ask for a minute to discuss something personal (I would try to imply that I want to say something casually, but in a sincere kind of way). I would say I care for her and really want to give her all the support I can give. Then say, in a plain kind of voice, that I just recently found out I was pregnant and due xx/xx/xxxx. I would mention that I have been hesitant to mention the news to her because I really care about her and her feelings.
I would follow up with a question, like, I hope you keep trying and if is there anything I can do to help her feel okay (she doesn't have to feel overjoyed or pretend to). I would be very understanding if you feel like visiting another friend instead of me while I'm pregnant or at some of the times during this time.
My thoughts are 1) give her the news one-on-one, 2) tell her about feeling hesitant to mention it, and 3) repeat that she can still count on you for support and friendship.
I had problems getting very sad when someone fairly close to me, like in the family, would announce the pregnancy to everyone in the room, while I was among the group. Talking to me one-on-one was much easier to handle. I could be happy for my friend, have a sad moment, and still turn it around, reminding myself that it isn't my friend's fault that I was having difficulty getting pregnant.
Sorry I rambled on so! I think I said everything at least twice! :)
You are welcome to send me a personal message if you another question about this.
My sister was in your situation. It was pretty awful because her very close childhood friend just couldn't be her friend anymore because every time she saw my neice, she imagined the child she lost which would have been the same age. My sister gave her the space she needed and let her know she understood and respected her decisions but welcomed her back when she was ready to resume the friendship (she did eventually). Tell her gently but prepare yourself that she may not be able to handle it.
I've only been on your side of this situation. When my little boy was 19 months old, I worked with 2 girls who were (and still are, long after I don't work anymore) my good friends. One got pregnant, told everyone, and then miscarried. She was very upset, took a week off of work, and had a hard time getting over it. The other had struggled with infertility and was having shots in order to ovulate. When I found out I was pregnant, I immediately thought of them. I went to each of them alone in their classrooms and told them. They were VERY happy for me, and I could tell that they meant it. It also helps that the first girl got pregnant 6 weeks after me (and our little sweethearts are 6 weeks apart in age), but still - she didn't have any clue she was pregnant, and she was elated for me, and grateful that I was sensitive and upfront.
They've both since had another pregnancy - when I was pregnant with my third we were all pregnant together! And it's all been fine. Just be sensitive and honest.
I honestly can't tell you better advice than the first two posters, either. I think they had very good ideas. Good luck, and congratulations on your pregnancy!
I have been in her shoes and yours. Tell her gently and face to face and let her know that if the news is upsetting you understand and validate her feelings. She will be happy for you but she might also be sad. If you acknowledge this it should all work out ok. I commend you for being sensitive to your friend and not simply thinking of yourself.
I am on your friends side of the situation. I always prefer for my friends to be honest with me. I normally feel a little jealousy and saddness for myself but it passes quickly and I am genuinely excited for my pregnant friends. I want to share in their joy. Just be honest and don't try to hide your own feelings with your friend. It is okay for her to be sad for herself and happy for you at the same time. You are a great friend to want to be sensitive. Your friend will appreciate that in you.
Hi Kristin,
I was in this same situation 20yrs ago. I had just miscarried my son at 28wks. Unknown to me, my SIL was due 4 months later. She lived in Houston and I didn't see her much. Since it was her 2nd child and this was my first (in the family) she didn't want to take the glory away from us. :-) She waited for a couple months after I miscarried, and at Thanksgiving she came to town and let me know. How the family kept it all quiet is surprising to me. :-) I was sad but happy at the same time, knowing that I would never know my son, but happy that her baby was growing healthy. The mixed emotions were hard on me, but I got through it. I had a lot of family support. Depending on how far along you are, I would think that you should give her a couple months (if possible) for some grieving time. I can't say how she might take it, but I am hoping she will be happy for you. I hope you have a healthy and happy pregnancy.
Tammy
Perhaps let her know that you are concerned about this sometimes triggering her grief at the time that you tell her, and ask her if there are ways you can make the pregnancy, so close to her loss, less of an issue? I had a friend say she was worried about me being saddened by her pregnancy after I'd lost a pregnancy, and I was genuinely surprised -- I just hadn't felt that way. The loss was awful, but for me it didn't seem to bring up hurt at the sight of other people's pregnancies or babies. The one exception I have heard from folks who've lost pregnancies or babies can be outrage at folks who get pregnant when they are totally not ready, or folks who have babies and don't seem to love them and care for them -- I think that kind of thing can more easily bring up a sense of "why would I not be given the gift of motherhood when they folks have it and don't even want it!?" But I think you are right to be careful -- close friendships have a different dynamic to them, and certainly that you got pregnant when she may know you weren't trying could be a bit grating. But I would say just be honest with her, that you love her and want to be there for her and are open to hearing from her if certain kinds of discussions and activities are better than others for now.
She's going to grieve wether it's now or when you are showing. Just be gentle with her and tell her. She will appreciate your honesty even if it stings. Then give her some time to respond/react. Follow her lead after that. If she starts getting excited for you, be excited with her. If she becomes sad and somber, let her have the time and space she needs. If she starts crawling into a "box" and hides from it, find a way to help her out of it and make sure she has support from others too. There is no reason why you can't help your friend grieve while enjoying your own bliss.
The most important thing is, if you've started telling others, you need to tell her right away. The worst scenario would be if she heard from someone else. With that being said, I think the other posters have given you great advice. I struggled with infertility for 4 years before I had my first daughter...I lost twins at 18 weeks, and then had a 1st trimester m/c six months later. When I found out a month after my 2nd m/c that my brother and sister-in-law were expecting (and they weren't even trying), it really threw me off my game. I had a difficult time being around my SIL while she was pg, but I managed okay. I was really worried about what my reaction would be when I met the baby for the first time when she was 3 weeks old (they lived 4 hours away). But as soon as I saw her I was totally in love, and I never felt any resentment whatsoever when I held my beautiful niece in my arms. Fortunately, I gave birth to my now almost-13-year-old daughter about 18 months later, and that really helped to ease the pain of all my losses. Your friend may find it difficult to be around you or feel as close to you when you're pg, but hopefully once the baby arrives, she will be thrilled with the new addition to your family and everything will be back to normal. With any luck, and perhaps a few prayers, she will be pregnant herself by then! Best of luck to you, and congratulations.
Start out with sympathy and regard to her situation, then let her know your good news. If she is a true friend then she will be happy despite her situation. Unfortunately for her she is having trouble, but just be compassionate with her and I'm sure she will be happy for you.
I have been on both sides of this. Almost 9 years ago my sister was pregnanct with her 4th and I had not been able to have one! So she was afraid to tell me and had only told my parents and no one else until she could figure out how to tell me.
When she told me she was so upset and clearly didn't want to hurt me and all I could was truly rejoice with her! It is a wonderful thing and I would NEVER have taken that joy away from her. It was a great thing, a wonderful thing and that is exactly how I felt. I was blessed with a baby of my own born almost 6 months to the date after hers was born.
Then about 2 1/2 years ago I found out that I was pregnant again - not planned but completely celebrated (sound familiar) - and I have a friend who has lost 7 babies and only has one child now. She also knew I was completely okay with my one and was honestly not looking to have another so I just knew this would be a slap in her face. So I called her immediately before I told anyone other than family. I talked for quite a while before I finally told her - and she screamed so loud for joy that her son that she had lost it. She reminded me of how I felt when my sister told me - it was complete and total joy for my sister and the new baby. The Lord also revealed to me that she should be a major part of the pregnancy and birth.
When I explained what I was feeling and how I really believed she was to be with me through all this, including being in the room at the hospital with me - she could only cry for joy.
Yes, does she or did I still have feelings later on about why not me? But not for one second did we have any any negative feelings when it came to these babies.
So tell your friend, in love and respect for her and she will be joyful for you. Then be excited and enjoy and so will she - because she is your friend and she loves you!
Good luck and God bless.
First of all, congratulations on #3. Secondly, I have been where your friend is. I had 2 miscarriages and 6 failed IVF attempts. Even though it will be hard for her, she needs to hear your news from YOU. If she is a good friend, she will truly be happy for your family.
You have gotten a lot of good answers.
Tell her privately, in person is best. I know it is hard and you are very kind-hearted to think about it.
My husband and I got married 6 years after his twin brother. His twin and wife had had 4 miscarriages in 6 years. We had an OOPS! and were expecting one year after marriage.
I so dreaded the day we would tell them. But with prayer and peace, it went fine. We were very, very careful to NOT go crazy on the baby talk and excitement around them, though.
About 5 months after we made our announcement, they got the glorious news that their OB declared their baby "very healthy" at 14 weeks and they had good news too!!!
Congratulations! I was also worried about sharing our good news with three different friends who had just lost their babies. I wrote them each heartfelt cards to tell them how sorry I was for their losses and how I didn't want them to hear my news from someone else. They were all very understanding and happy for us. One of them even mentioned she was glad I wrote her instead of telling her in person. That way she could process the information and didn't have to react or respond right then and there. I know it is hard, but it will be better once your news is shared. Congrats!
If she's as "near and dear" as you say, she will be happy for you. Of course, it will hurt a bit for her. Just be sure to tell her gently. You might say something like, "I feel really awkward telling you this now because I don't want to cause you any pain. But I love you and want you to share in what's happening in our lives. We just found out that we are having another baby."
Something very similiar happened to me when I got pregnant with my daughter. My best friend almost died a month or so before with a tubal pregnancy that sent her rushing to the hospital. Upon arrival she had no pulse, but there was an OB visiting the ER when she arrived, and he knew immediately what was wrong with her. He whisked her into surgery and saved her life. We were all so frightened for her, and, of course, saddened that she lost her baby.
Well, the story ends very happily. I delivered my daughter on March 6th, and by March 9th my friend was calling me to tell me that she was pregnant again! It's now been over 30 years since then, and she has 3 beautiful children--all grown up now, of course--and I have 2. We both have grandchildren and have stayed very close over the years.
What I'm trying to do by telling you all of this is to encourage you that your friendship can stay strong in spite of the tragedy that may come into your lives along the way. Be sure to tell your friend that I've known many, many women who have gone on to have any number of children after suffering a miscarriage. (One from church had 5 or 6 miscarriages until they finally discovered what was causing them. She now has 4 children, all healthy and strong.)
God bless you both.
Hi Kristin
First of all congratulations.I would brace her by saying something like this "I have something to tell you I hope you know that I wouldnt hurt you for the world I have been searching for a way to put it as delicately as possible, I am pregnant I am here for you emotionally,spiritually and any way that I can be,as this is joyous news for me and my family know that you were the first friend that I wanted to share with yet the struggle in my mind made me hesitate because of your recent loss"again let her know that you are there for her.Of course put in your own words.And we also know that saying to a woman after she has a miscarriage that there will be other babies and things like that is a no no.
Good Luck
God Bless
How about presenting it to her like you would be honored if she accepted the role of godmother to your unborn child (or for all your children if you like)? That way, she would feel like you valued her in a mothering role of sorts and she could play some part of a mothering role via her friend's life since she can't do it on her own.
By the way, if I were you, I would suggest to her other options for having a little one in the house (e.g., adoption, fostering, etc.)
Hope this helps,
Jen
Sorry this is late, but I thought this was worth mentioning. What ever you do, don't tell her what other options she has to bring little ones into her home! I know Jennifer means well, but I had a friend who had been trying for 8 years with all the failed pregnancies and infertility treatments, when someone mentioned the alternitives to her it made her left feeling angry and sad, she hated those remarks! Your friend knows what the options are, she just wants to try and and bring a child of her own. When she is ready to look for alternatives, by all means support her in it, other wise, mums the word.
Elizabeth has a great suggestion if telling your friend in person hurts too much. I myself became pregnant during my old friends ordeal, and it tore me up inside to know I was able to have a child but she couldn't(easily), I don't know why I didn't think of the hearfelt letter at the time, I wish I had done that instead so she could mourn with out me hearing. If you decide to tell her in person or over the phone, I would make sure you mention that you don't expect her to congradulate you, but you didn't want her to hear about your pregnancy from someone else. Just be as sensitive as you can, and remember there is not much else you can do, it's in Gods hands. I hope this helps, good luck and congrates!