How to be friendly, without it taken out of context?

[Natalie_L1]

I find myself in an unwanted situation I cannot seem to find a way to avoid. I park in my office building garage and have been doing so for over a decade. Before COVID, I used to run into a guy who would park nearby and we’d ride the elevator to the lobby, making small talk about the weekend, or the traffic, etc., very mundane conversation. I thought nothing of it. I ran into him recently, and it turns out he changed cars so I did not recognize his car, and I am now working later hours due to having to drop off my daughter in college, so we have not been seeing each other. He was his usual friendly self and said we should keep in touch and asked me to text him. I didn’t mind at the time, thinking we’d text each other very occasionally, like if there’s traffic, road closures, or a building event. Apparently, he thought differently.

He offered to meet downstairs for coffee sometime, whenever I had a chance. It seemed relaxed enough, so I said sure, though I am actually busy enough that I eat lunch at my desk daily. I told him we can meet sometime, but things are busy now. He followed up a few times and I told him things at work were busy. Well, he texted me yesterday saying he hoped I had a good weekend and hoped we could meet. I texted around 10 PM saying I was just getting home from work, and ignored the wishful meeting part. This morning, I have a text saying it is his birthday and he was hoping he could get a birthday hug.

I am cringing as I am the kind of person that is big on personal boundaries and feel hugs should only come from people you’re extremely close to, like a good friend, boyfriend, family member…not a casual elevator acquaintance. I don’t even know how to respond so I haven’t. The fact we run into each other often lately, as he knows my daughter spends the afternoons at the lobby doing homework waiting for me to drop off her lunch makes it an issue because it means I cannot avoid him forever, and he may start hanging around her.

He introduced himself to my daughter when he saw us together, so he knows who she is. My daughter witnessed our interactions and says she doesn’t see anything wrong with my behavior that may have led him to think this was okay or that I was interested. We both noticed he had a wedding ring, which is why that text this morning seemed even more shocking to me, as if he was opening the door to physical contact with a stranger. I don’t want to appear rude as we may run into each other and who knows how he may react. I have had bad experiences with people when I have told them I am not interested, so I am not sure how to convey the message of, “Hey, I am a friendly person, I think networking is great and being neighborly is too, but I am not interested in being BFFs or anything more.” Any suggestions?

[LisaJM1]

@Natalie_L1 this does sound like an uncomfortable situation for you so my first thought is to trust your gut. If you are uncomfortable that is valid. Boundaries are essential, and it sounds like this person has started pushing beyond the casual acquaintance relationship you initially had. Your boundaries sound like:

It’s okay to be friendly with acquaintances, but you do not want to deepen the relationship to anything more. Physical contact like hugging is not something you are comfortable with from casual acquaintances, that is a firm boundary you should enforce. Your discomfort is valid, and setting boundaries does not make you rude or unkind.

Since this is the first time he has asked for something clearly outside of your comfort zone, a firm but neutral response should suffice.

“Hey [Name], happy birthday! I hope you had a great day. I’m not really a hugger, but I appreciate the kind sentiment.” Or, “I’m not comfortable with hugging outside of close friends and family. I hope you understand."

This sets a boundary without making the situation more awkward.

If he persists on meeting for coffee despite your polite declines, it may be time to be clearer:

" [Name], I appreciate the invitation, but work has been keeping me incredibly busy, and I don’t have time for meetups right now.”

If he continues pressing, a more direct response might be:

“I keep a pretty packed schedule and don’t have time to meet outside of work obligations. I just wanted to clarify that while I appreciate the friendliness, I prefer to keep things professional and friendly."

If you run into him, keep interactions short and professional.

Maintain control of conversations by shifting the focus away from personal topics (e.g., “Hope your day is going well!” then excusing yourself quickly).

If he lingers around your daughter, firmly set that boundary: “She’s busy with schoolwork, and I don’t want to interrupt her focus.”

After you set your boundary, observe how he responds. If he respects it and interactions remain casual and polite, that may resolve the issue. If he continues to push or tries to involve your daughter, you may need to escalate the matter or seek support from building security or HR.

[Diane_B3]

I think you need to trust your instincts. This makes you uncomfortable, but you continue to fall back on your kind personality as the thing that should dictate this interactions that bother you. The bottom line is, will your life be awful if he’s mad at you for turning him down?

I do think you are correct to set more boundaries, especially where your daughter in involved. I think you have to move more from the “I’m busy” lines and more into the “I’m not interested” vein. I think it’s time to say, "I’m a busy parent and I’m not interested in coffee dates and get-togethers. I am sorry that my friendly manner has made you think that I’m looking for social outings, so let me clarify that I am not. I’m also very uncomfortable with the idea of someone I met in an elevator wanting a hug, and I really would like for you to stop these invitations and requests. I also want to stress to you that my daughter has a heavy academic schedule and needs to do her homework without interruption from people she doesn’t know. I would like for you to let her work undisturbed.

If he persists, I would simply say, “No means no. I insist that you respect that. I am no longer enjoying or interested in these interactions.” If you’re uncomfortable in the elevator, get off and say you forgot something in your car/office. If he follows you, tell him to stop - and it’s okay to say it loud enough for others to hear: “I have asked you to stop following me. Now STOP!”

If he continues, I would repeat these words in a very clear text message to him. Then I would take screen shots of all of his texts leading up to this and any reply he sends to this “goodbye” text. Then I would block his number and make sure your daughter knows what you have done. Be sure to reiterate to her the ways to maintain boundaries and to rebuff unwanted overtures by anyone. You can tell her you think you allowed this guy to go too far, but. you are shutting it down. It really is okay to not be friendly to everyone all the time.

It is really okay if someone doesn’t like you. Most of us women were raised to be the peacemakers, the ones who have sympathy for needy or lonely people. That’s a burden we do not have to carry all the time, or ever.

[alewinson]

I’ll just say ditto to LisaJM1’s comments; I think you can firmly establish that you do not want more interaction or friendship with him without direct confrontation using her ideas. I also say ditto to what Diane pointed out with regards to letting your daughter know she does not have to interact with him. Could she come up to your office area instead of staying down in the lobby?
That would reduce any pressure on her.

What an awkward situation!