I just got into a huge argument with my husband about the damn holidays. Let me just say that for 6 years I've been having Christmas Eve at my house. We have two small kids and I do not believe in dragging them around on the holidays. Like when I was young, the holidays were spent home. Let me also add that I come from an Italian family where we always throw epic spreads and decorations. I was brought up like this. For 6 years his side has been coming here.. only last year my brother-in-law's girlfriend decides last minute she wants to host it at her house. Really?? Threw a huge wrench in everything. I am not into having people at my house for a mere 2 hours after I have busted my butt preparing for it when they will just eat and leave. Sorry ..so my husband is arguing about how I'm wrong because he doesn't understand why I just won't let them come here first then go to the girlfriends??? I know his family, they are early birds anyway ..so you want me to put out a spread and have it ready by noon for them to chew and screw by 2??? You're soft. I am not willing to do this. My family lives far from me or believe me they would be here. It's hard enough that I don't see my family and share the traditions we grew up with. I also lost my Dad around the holidays so it's very hard for me. I'm sorry am I wrong here??????
You are acting out of control controlling.
I think you’re putting up more of a fight than is necessary, yes.
If the girlfriend wants to host, let her. You do nothing. Just go to their house.
You may not like dragging the kids around, but maybe it will be OK.
Because otherwise, it seems that you will not win this battle. You want to force people to come to your house and force “loyalties”, and no one wins in that situation.
ETA: There is lot of anger here which belies something you stated:
" I was raised to have a loving family around".
Where is the love in what you wrote? Instead of being gracious, you act like you own the holiday and someone stole it from you. You act like the people in your husband’s families are a cast of characters whose sole purpose it is to surround your kids with love.You seem angry that your characters went off script and decided to act autonomously. I mean, your BILs girlfriend did, in fact, express her intention well before Thanksgiving. This isn’t ‘last minute’.
Kids only need one healthy, stable, loving parent to feel loved. Your children will not feel any LESS loved elsewhere. Seriously, think about what you are saying and projecting onto others. My guess is that this is far more reflective of your disrespect for the girlfriend than anything else. There are some people who have to have everything fit their perfect expectations or they aren’t happy, and then they wonder why people are such a disappointment. Think about it and quit blaming others for your own unhappiness.
Wow, so everyone has to dance to your tune? You can’t see fit to scale down, accommodate something different, and so you are calling your husband ‘soft’?
Woman, sit yourself down and seriously, read your post. No one is forcing you to do a big spread. You asked about stress, but you are the only one making the stress here. You’re acting like a two year old having a hissy fit. I understand you are sad that you lost your father, but I’d suggest you remember that being overly controlling is not going to bring him back or make you feel better. Please believe me, I had something terrible happen to me on Christmas day years ago and it took a while to get past the idea that I could somehow control things into feeling ‘okay’. It doesn’t. You have to grieve the loss and let it go and remember that you don’t have the right to impose your will on everyone else around you. Or not-- and continue to be angry. Your choice. I know what I chose, and life’s a lot better for it.
ETA: Your SWH response maybe your true colors. YOU do not want to change anything but people change and do their own thing whether you like it or not. We on this forum are from any different social, economic, and ethnic backgrounds and we were trying to suggest to you that perhaps it was/is time to try something different for a season. We are not trying to condemn you in any way. It is time for you to grow up and be aml adult. Life does not revolve around you and only you. Listen to your husband he maybe on to something. I am sorry for your loss but time and tide wait on no man. Make the best of the season.
Original: Maybe it is time for new family traditions. You host one year and the girlfriend the next and someone else the following year.
We all have family traditions that change over the course of our lives. So this might be the time for a change. Perhaps one year you could go to your family for a holiday of non-stop food and partying. Finances also play a part in how much people do for any season. I love the holidays but as I grow older I enjoy not making a big production out of anything as I am the one that has to put it up and take it down.
Sometimes less is better. Stop trying to run the whole show. Stop sweating the small stuff and enjoy the holiday without all the fanfare. Make your own traditions up between you and hubby for your nuclear family and not the extended.
the other Suzanne
We always went to my grandparent’s house for Christmas. They lived 7 hours away, so we stayed for a few days. My cousins had to fly in every year. It was awesome! It was a giant slumber party. We looked forward to it every year! Our immediate family would open presents the night before we left, so Christmas morning at Grandma & Grandpa’s house the only presents we opened were from them or aunts and uncles. It was still amazing!
The holidays are what you make of it … what you choose to get excited about.
My MIL is obsessed about the actual day. Thanksgiving has to be on Thanksgiving. Christmas has to be on Christmas. Fortunately for her (and for us, really) my family does not care. To us, the holidays are about carving out time for each other. My MIL gets Thanksgiving Day (so does my brother’s in-laws), and my parents get Saturday. And we have a wonderful time on Saturday!
You have to compromise, but you also need to think about what really matters. For me, it’s not nearly as much about the food an the exact time/date. No, wait, the food does matter 
But the most important thing to me is spending time with people.
So, what’s the most important thing for you?
So, your BIL’s girlfriend is not allowed to see her family on the holiday, or share any of her family traditions with your family? Your way of celebrating is the only right way? Wow. It’s called compromise, and that’s what you do when you have multiple families during the holidays. So yes, you invite them over early, and they leave when they need to go. If you don’t want to put on a big spread for them because they have to leave early, then scale it down.
ETA: Well, based on the high emotion in the first post, I figured there would an unhappy SWH. But, yes, you are correct in your SWH. This is not simply a place to vent. It’s a place to get honest answers. If you ask “…am I wrong here?” , then if people think you are wrong, they are going to say so. I’m not saying this to be mean or make you feel badly. I’m saying it because if you value honest answers and you stick around, you can get some really good insights here. Just be sure you are ready for honest answers before you post, because that is what you are going to get, whether you are emotionally prepared for them or not.
My husband’s sister was the first in their family to get married and have kids. She wanted to stay home for Christmas (and not have to leave). One of the brothers complained saying they had always done Christmas at their parents house and how dare she break that tradition. My husband (so he tells me) said, dude you have to let her start her own traditions with her own family…
You have to let your BIL start his own traditions. He might see this girlfriend as a potential wife. If that’s the case, they are a family, too. It’s not ok to expect her to just accept your traditions and ignore her own feelings.
Work with her! Maybe she can host a dinner one day, and you can host one another day. Maybe one of you can have the Saturday before Christmas and the other can have Christmas Eve. Think about it. Are you sure there isn’t a way you can make this work?
Things change. Families change. Times change.
You are now married, with two small children, and you’re geographically closer to your in-laws than your relatives. Who are you creating a loving, warm, family Christmas for? The answer should be: your husband and your children and yourself. You sound so angry (“damn holidays”, “chew and screw”, “you’re soft”, “I’m not willing to do this”.)
It’s not about “having” Christmas Eve. December 24 comes for everyone, of every religion or non-religion, of every race and creed. It’s a date on the calendar. Certainly, many people have traditions that center around Christmas Eve. Some spend that evening in worship services, some spend it at a feast (homemade or at a restaurant), some watch sports and get as drunk as possible, some ignore it as it has no meaning other than perhaps a day off from work. I encourage you to think what it means to you; does it mean faith, family, peace, joy, togetherness, love, food? Or does it mean nothing if it’s not the exact food on the exact date?
Why does this epic spread mean so much to you? Is it because you want people around, or you need to keep this tradition alive, or you love the preparation?
Here’s some suggestions:
Decorate your house to your heart’s content: FOR YOUR KIDS AND YOUR HUSBAND. Create your own decorating traditions.
Go graciously to your inlaws’ family gatherings on Christmas Eve. It’s not “dragging your kids”. It’s bringing them to grandma’s, or auntie and uncle’s house, and it’s about family. Be appreciative and grateful and friendly. Ask if there’s anything you can do to help, or cook, and if not, bring a lovely poinsettia or a bottle of champagne or a a homemade holiday bread for the family to share the next morning. Or just a smile if that’s all they request.
Find out if there’s a homeless shelter or a woman’s shelter, or something similar that you can make an epic spread for, or cook for, or deliver a million jars of homemade cranberry sauce to. Ask a church or synagogue or mosque if there’s a family in need (fighting a life-threatening illness, or perhaps their home burned down, or they lost their job, a wounded warrior’s family, a family who has suffered a loss) and ask if the church leader/pastor/rabbi would find out if they’d love a home cooked meal (have him or her check for allergies, or food restrictions if there’s illness involved). Make that feast. Deliver it with joy, or enlist the church’s help in delivering it.
Find joy in making your family traditional foods for your family. Do it on Christmas day, or December 26th, or New Year’s Eve. It doesn’t have to be ON THAT EXACT DAY to have meaning. Have you heard of people who delay a special holiday until their son or daughter or spouse comes home from Afghanistan? They celebrate Christmas in September when the squadron comes home from deployment. Or people who end up moving their wedding day from next fall to tomorrow because a loved one is so sick with terminal cancer that he or she won’t be there next fall. All the elaborate planning, the caterer, the flowers, the dress - it’s all scrapped and there’s a wedding in the living room with a justice of the peace and a store-bought bouquet and a cheese tray from Costco, but that loved one is there, and in the photos, and that’s ALL that matters. What’s important are the meanings, the memories, the love, the joy, the peace. They’re not “damn” holidays. Whether you believe the holidays are holy days, or fun days, or when Santa comes, or when Christ was born, or an observance of Hanukkah, or celebrating the winter solstice, unity is found in joy and generosity and kindness and sharing and love.
Above all, be grateful. Be joyous. You have children, a husband, a home. You’re welcome at your in-law’s homes. You were raised with a loving family with traditions. You are turning your blessings into resentment. You say you were brought up in a certain way, you always had the holidays in a certain way, when you were growing up. What will your children say when they have families of their own? Will they tell their children that the holidays were about sharing, about gathering together, about joy, or will they say “my mother used to yell at my dad about the “damn” holidays and she used to say “you ain’t coming here to chew and screw by two” and everybody ended up fighting. We didn’t go to our relatives’ house because my mother was mad”. Think about what you’re creating for your children.
This is just a teeny tiny bit why I hate from Halloween to New Years.
So this is about Christmas Eve?
So what do you do on Christmas Day? Is that for you guys? Because I believe in doing what is right for your own family. I do not like being told we have to do things a certain way (trust me, it’s my MIL in our case) or else. Do what works for you, and invite others to join you. If they want to leave at a certain point, that is their prerogative.
Per your what happened, there is nothing loving about your attitude, all me me me, I want I get!! I have a sister in law like you, too lazy to take her kids out so she takes on the family meals, complains complains complains then when anyone suggest we have the gathering at our house gets all butt hurt, much like you are in this “question”.
Why don’t you grow up and realize the world does not revolve around you and only you. I am with Christine W, I think, this one sister in law is the reason I hate visiting with my husband’s wonderful family.
It is kind of funny, the question, how do you handle the stress of the holidays when someone just like you causes all the stress during the holidays.
Ya know I got wrapped up with your ridiculous what happened that I didn’t even notice girlfriend said she would do this last year. So rather than take your kids over there for dinner, knowing a year! in advance, you are going to have a tantrum lunch and make everyone feel bad for going over to the girlfriends. Are you 5?
I guess I would be upset that a “girlfriend” is trying to take away the party that I always had at my house…I do get that.
I also understand that you were raised by a large family that went all out on decorations and food and you all probably hung out all day and nibbled and played games, and watched football, etc. And you want to do the same at your house for your in-laws. I guess they want to go to the girlfriends house now. Maybe for a variety, maybe they don’t like your house or your food or your rules or expectations.
I think your husband is right. Things change. And the girlfriend wants to have a party at her house too. So then you can offer an earlier meal, like at lunch time, and she can do the evening meal, or vice-versa. No biggie. Share the glory and be happy that you all can get together at all.
I have a very small family. The only ones left are me, hubby, my 2 kids and my mom. That’s it. We’ve always had a small family. We just aren’t into the big party scene. My mom started the tradition of having tacos on xmas eve. But I’m not going to do that this year. It’s just too much work. We go to our church service and also open all our presents on xmas eve and preparing tacos just takes too much time. So this year I’m making a casserole that will already be ready to throw in the oven. I’m just not a great cook and I don’t really like it so that’s what I’m going to do.
I HATE stress and have taken steps to eliminate it from my life. I have been downsizing all our worldly possessions this year. Just keeping what we need and really love. I also got rid of people in my life that weren’t the best influence for me or my family. I decorate for the holidays but don’t go all crazy anymore. It’s just not that important. It’s not the focus of the season and it shouldn’t be. So we have made some changes.
Maybe you an cut back on all the decorations and food. Just have the basics. Its way less work and still everyone appreciates it. Maybe it will help change your attitude. Maybe focus on helping a family that needs help or go serve at a church food pantry and/or soup kitchen. Re-evaluate what is important. Focus on your husband and kids. If anyone else shows up, great, if not, then you still have your own little family you can focus on. I hope you find some things that will help you. Good luck.
You’re upset because hubby’s family wants to celebrate in a different way than what you experienced growing up. Well, time to grow up, put your big girl panties on and realize that it’s EVERYONE’s holiday, not just yours.
All you have to do is scale back. Apparently all those decorations and that huge spread are more important to you than the others in the family. Again, put your big girl panties on and accept change.
Why don’t you talk to the girlfriend and work it out so one of you does it one year, and the other does it the next.
I don’t see anyone condemning you. They are saying to think about this with an open mind and be open to change. It’s clear that you are not. How sad for you and your family.
I wish I could send Elena B a hundred flowers! What a wonderful, thoughtful and complete response!
OK - two separate issues.
Do you love to do a huge decoration thing? If yes, do it. Do it for YOU, not for the rest of the extended family.
As someone who came from divorce, I have a very flexible attitude toward the holiday season. It’s not about the DAY, it’s about the season. Thanksgiving is FOUR days long. Christmas goes from Dec. 24-Dec. 31. Why? Because the family isn’t just me, it’s a whole bunch of other people.
The family isn’t about you and how you’ve done it for the last 6 years. It’s about family. Decorations and a spread are fine, but that’s not the point.
Re. the dinner thing - take a breath and chill:
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She wants to do dinner. Fine. Then let her do it, YOU take a day off and DON’T do it this year.
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Do you LIKE to bust your butt preparing? If yes, great. do it on a different day so you can have the house full of family that you want. If not, then let go of the perfect picture in your head and spend time with family.
I think the problem is that you and your husband have different traditions. You, understandably, want to do it “your way” with all the fixings as you grew up with. But they want to do it “their way” which is to see a bunch of people. If you feel that the “only” way you can do it with a big spread, that’s a problem because you’re almost telling others that they have to enjoy it and eat what you eat and spend as much time as you did as a kid. So what would happen if you made 1/3 of the normal amount of food and only did your traditional appetizers or lunch stuff, but not enough food for your big family of origin? If you had a huge family when you were growing up, then SOMEBODY in that group was traveling, right? Maybe some of them even had little kids. So, if “at home” means your parents’ house, you had it all right in front of you. But some of the relatives were leaving their own homes and traveling to you. They hung out all day and so a huge butt-busting effort was, perhaps, worth it - unless of course your mother was exhausted and you never knew it.
But that’s not your husband’s family’s tradition. If your BIL’s girlfriend wants to do something, why is that a threat? Maybe she’s destined to be a part of the family? Maybe someone is trying to take the stress of you with your little kids and your feeling of being overwhelmed by all the work. I think it has a lot to do with what you said about not seeing your family - you miss them and all the hoopla and all the comfort of those old traditions. Exhausting yourself would be worth it, in your view, because you are guaranteed that those folks would settle right in and enjoy it.
So rather than set yourself up for misery, scale back. Make A FEW key recipes that are appropriate for noon-2 PM, with as little effort as possible. Try not to be disappointed in this - because if you overdo it, you will be disappointed as well, and also more tired and also much more tapped out financially.
I do think there’s some value to exposing your kids, on a manageable schedule, to the happy chaos of a big family. Why shouldn’t they have some version of what you had? Pick a day to visit and a day to be home - either travel on Christmas Eve and leave after a few hours, and stay home on Christmas, or the other way around. Or have Christmas morning at your house, perhaps with just your immediate family or perhaps some grandparents, and then see relatives in the afternoon.
So, I think you are entitled to love what you love and to honor the traditions and memories you cherish. I think you may not be able to force your in-laws to love what you love, because they already love what they love. I think the biggest gift you can give your children is finding some new traditions and some old/new memory combination that allows them to grow up with the joy of holidays and not the knowledge that their parents are fighting or that their mother is miserable without her family and with a disdain for their father’s family. They may be complete jerks and they may yank your chain by doing things on their own terms, but either you put up with them or you happily take your children to the in-laws, or you spend it alone. I think you can find a compromise, and it wouldn’t hurt your husband to support SOME of what you like just as you support SOME of what he wants.
But the way things are now, you are miserable - and that’s what’s causing the stress.
Chiming in after your So What Happened?
I’m so sorry for the loss of your Dad during the holidays but perhaps it would do you some good to just relax your expectations and create some new traditions for yourself and your family. It doesn’t seem to me based on your post like you enjoy hosting for the holidays if your guests can’t meet your expectations or even if they can.
I grew up in a big extended family and had a big family. When I became an adult I decided to spend my holidays with friends. When I had my son, I split the time between friends and my familly. My son is now 21 and I have small holiday events at my house with our families. If people can’t come or don’t come it’s fine because the only rule I have is bring a dish. I cook and so does all of the adults in the house this makes it easier on us all, especially me. I work on Christmas Eve and usually end up working an entire day. Which means if I was hosting a Christmas Eve anything it would have to be set up in advance.
Be gracious and just relax. Things may not be what you want them too but count your blessings instead of what you are lacking or not wanting. You can only control you.
I completely understand how much work it is to prepare for a party. To have everyone leave to go to another party really does make it seem like it wasn’t worth the work. Personally, I would purchase pre made Lasagne from Costco for the main course. Buy ready made salad and bread. Additionally, I would buy ready made desserts from Costco. (They have great desserts around the holidays.). You could also buy a hoagie tray and chips etc. If you prepare a simple lunch perhaps you won’t feel as resentful for doing all that work only to have everyone eat and run.
You could also just go to the girlfriends house and not lift a finger.😊
You don’t believe in dragging your kids around on the holidays, but everyone else should drag their families around instead? Doesn’t sound very fair.
You asked if you are wrong. My answer is yep, you are.
Your issue could be solved pretty easily. All you need do is go to the girlfriend’s Christmas Eve affair and not have one of your own. Let someone else be the hostess for a change.