Hi Ladies - last year, I posted about the tough time my 8-year-old son has had with making friends outside of school. Shortly after my post, my son did make a very good friend who lived around the corner. I was so happy he finally made a good friend in the neighborhood, and they spent the year running back and forth to each other's houses having a blast. It was wonderful watching them bond. But sadly, without much notice, his friend's family got transferred across the country, and just like that, he was gone. This happened just after school ended, so it's been a tough Summer for my son missing his good friend, and for me too. I can't believe how upset I am about his friend moving. My son is so lonely, and it's been heartbreaking. So to fill the void, I've had his "best friend" from school over to our house a few times this Summer. His mom asked my son to come over one time the entire Summer. I've had a couple other friends over too, but again, none have asked my son to come over to theirs. He has many friends when he's at school, but none of these friendships exist outside of school. If I had not set up playdates with his "best friend" this Summer, I am certain we never would have heard from him. And none of his other friends have reached out either. I am tired of having all these kids over to our house, and not even have one playdate reciprocated. He's going to be in 3rd Grade, and since Kindergarten, he's probably had less than 10 playdates at someone else's house (excluding this good friend who recently moved). Please tell me - is this normal? I don't feel like it is. And in case you're wondering - my son is not perfect, but most people praise him for being such a nice boy, good manners, well-behaved. He is well-liked by peers at school, gets invited to many birthday parties. But all he wants is to get invited to someone else's house occasionally. I do feel part of the problem is where we live - we're in an upper middle class area, I hate to say it but I've never met more snobs in my life. He has lots of classmates who live in our neighborhood, but the parent's aren't very friendly, and my son isn't really friends with those kids at school. One of them sits next to him on the bus and stomps on my son's new shoes... as an example, so I'm not going to encourage relationships with kids like that... I don't know, just venting I guess. And praying he is able to bond with someone this year at school. Please tell me it gets better when they get older!
I looked back at your prior post, and I was dismayed to see that you posted virtually the same info a year later. What’s encouraging is that your son does very well socially at school and has a lot of friends. What’s discouraging is that you are so invested in the “best friend” scenario that you’re experiencing total grief over the fact that his friend moved. You frequently talk about how upset you are, how heartbreaking this is, how you are tired of making all the arrangements that aren’t reciprocated, and about your snobby neighbors who aren’t friendly. It seems to me that you haven’t changed a thing in a year. It’s normal for us to want the best for our kids, but you seem to be focused on the goal of a best friend and a bunch of one-on-one playdates. Can you allow for the possibility that your frustration, grief, and disgust about the neighbors is something he picks up on? Maybe not the specifics, but the tension, the resentment, the anxiety? Maybe it comes across as pressure to him, or as a red flag that something’s not quite right about the neighbors?
You also place a lot of emphasis on his politeness, good manners, all the good reports you get. Is it possible that’s actually putting pressure on him to behave all the time? Does it make him nervous going to one kid’s house, because you maybe warn him too often or too urgently to behave so someone will reciprocate? Is it possible the other parent feels some desperation on your part in trying to arrange other dates? Maybe some moms work at home or elsewhere, maybe they have other demands (ill parent, whatever)?
The fact is, kids this age often do not have a best friend. You say your kid flourishes in school when he’s under someone else’s supervision and with a group. Why not increase those opportunities after school and especially during the summer. Those don’t have to be expensive - maybe the town recreation program in the summer or seasonal units - my son did soccer in the fall, basketball in the winter, and so on. The library may have a kid’s book club, chess club, drama group. Why not let him do one program during the week, maximum of two, so he meets more kids and finds/develops new interests/builds skills (social or otherwise? Get some info from the town catalog, the school website, suggestions from the children’s librarian. What about scouting or natural area exploration? Things you can afford and handle transportation for. Don’t predetermine what he would like. Cut it up into squares and lay them out on a table, suggest he choose one or two things just for the current season or term, and then (important) walk away. If the description is above his reading level, type up a summary (no emotion in it, just the facts) and include a photo if there is one. Don’t keep asking him about it. or giving him a timetable. I think, at this point, he may be trying things that you are consciously or unconsciously pressuring him to do. Check with him once a week. If he says he’s bored or sad, ask if he has considered any of the things on the table. If there are some he’s averse to, pick up those squares and put them away for now.
Also, don’t disparage the value of free play. My son pursued CAD/CAM in high school because of his creative play on his own with building and design. A small after-school club let him team up with 3 kids and an advisor to study the Titanic, and they built a model and made a display with photos and interesting facts about the disaster. I think, if he’s more suited to groups right now, he’ll grow even more if he’s not pushed to have a bestie and not so worried about meeting his mom’s needs. With kindness, I suggest that coming back in another year to say you made no changes, he’s desperately sad and you’re still heartbroken would indicate you need some outside assistance from a professional.
I don’t have a ton of parenting regrets, but I do wish I had worried less about my oldest son’s social life. I am glad that I didn’t share my worries with my son, but I sure felt them and today I understand that to have been wasted energy. Making friends did not come easily for my son, and although he enjoyed play dates when I arranged them, he also spent a lot of time with his parents, his brothers, and pursuing his own interests. I’m also more of an introvert, and reaching out to new people for him or for myself, wasn’t always easy, but we helped him select a few extra-curriculars that provided him and us with opportunities to socialize.
You say that others in your community aren’t friendly, but I have a hard time believing that means everyone. Every year of school, every activity your son participates in, every activity you participate in, whether a job outside the home, a volunteer opportunity (it’s an election year!), any sport or creative pursuit….there are so many opportunities out there to meet people. Help him select one or two activities outside the home, and let him see you do the same. He sounds fine at school, and gets invited to parties, so if he complains to you about missing his best friend, I think you can sympathize, but also be confident that although it might feel like a long summer, he will continue to have lots of opportunities to make new friends. Maybe next summer he would like to attend camp? Or maybe he needs more hobbies he can do on his own? Will you be able to take a vacation together, explore new things?
I don’t remember exactly when kids started doing the phone calls to arrange play themselves, but I think your son is probably close to where you can help him do so. More importantly, try to be confident that he is fine.
I’ve learned that you really don’t know what the future is going to bring. My introverted son became much more extroverted as he grew up. One friend who was the son of one of my friends, started shunning my son whenever someone “better” came along, and I stressed plenty about that, but my son did not, and loday they are good friends. My son is a dad now, which is another amazing development, and he has lots of friends. So, try to enjoy your son and his many strengths, these days will pass before you know it and there will be many surprises along the way.
I am going to go out on a limb here. My first assumption was that maybe the families of your son’s friends are insecure about their living conditions, and when I read your final paragraph, that kind of confirmed it to me that it could be a very real possibility. They may be embarrassed that they live in a small dwelling, a messy or old dwelling, or live poorly, especially since you are well-off. My daughter didn’t have many playdates but when she did, they were outdoors (like at a park, science museum, Chuck E. Cheese, library). The few times she went to someone’s home, I did not reciprocate with a playdate at my own place as I live in a small condo where there’s not much room for kids, whereas these folks lived in a large home and had an actual playroom for the kids to be in. For example, my daughter has an XBox and she can barely play a game because the space she has for standing is very narrow. No way could 2 kids stand side by side and play. She would tell the kids, not sure if they told their parents or not, but she knew it would be hard to find space to play. We also didn’t have a private pool for 1 or 2 kids to enjoy, we have a pool for the whole building.
It may not be that these people are antisocial, or that the kids don’t want to be friends with your son; it could just be due to the reasons I stated. Maybe the parents work outside of the home a lot and cannot be home to watch your son and their own, so having their son go to your place and picking him up later works great for them. There may be a younger child mom is busy with, or a special needs kid, and having more kids at the home may just increase her stress. It’s not like they turned down future plans for the kids or made excuses. They always willingly accepted your invitations. I think you should try looking outside the scope of your son’s school or your neighborhood. Try finding an extracurricular activity that he may enjoy. He might meet kids who are from other areas of town and who have a passion for a hobby like he does. My teen is a major introvert, barely spoke to anyone and barely had friends until she got into musical theater and found other kids who are just as passionate about singing and acting as she is, and they keep in touch. I think kids clicking on their own and wanting to spend time together is a better recipe for success than parents arranging for kids to be friends, as the kids may not have much in common with each other.
I think you are over thinking this.
This friendship ‘bonding’ thing is more important to you than it is to your son.
Stop pressuring him about it.
Your son is at a perfect age for him to begin some extra curricular activities.
Our son loved taekwondo, started doing it at around your sons age and stuck with it through college - he’s a 4th don blackbelt.
Get him involved in something outside of school where he can develop other friends outside of school and the neighborhood.
In a few years he can start learning to play an instrument - and band kids are awesome to hang out with.
Our son plays clarinet.
And he also took up archery.
He never got into the team sports thing - and that was fine.
Some kids love Cub Scouts.
Just find one activity for him to try out and if he doesn’t like it - try some others.
Just do one at a time for now, maybe 2 in middle school.
Our son had plenty of friends but his best friends he met in high school and college.
My child is the same age, and a similar situation… We do not have any kids on our street so he didn’t have a lot of friendships at a young age where we live, and covid happened when he was in preschool so that didn’t help. He had friends in Kindergarten but no real play dates, then he went to a new school for 1st and a lot of friendships were already established the year before. So he had a little bit of a rough time. He got a long with the kids but wouldn’t consider them friends. By second grade he made a few friends but not outside of school. But we enrolled him in sports so he would get the social interaction he missed during covid. He has a friend that he made in preschool that we still see but not often. But he is a happy child, we take him to playgrounds where he interacts great with children. I think he just hasn’t found a true friend yet, but I was the same way as a child. I got along with everyone but I didn’t make true friends till 7th grade. They have their own way of doing things and you just have to let them be.