My family has been hit by these hard financial times like everyone else yet my husband cannot stop spending money. If I give a credit card for emergency purposes he uses it at fast food and conveinence stores. I have tried taking the cards away (which just makes him mad), I have included him in the bill paying process (which he hates), and even threatend to let him manage the money. I really don't want to give this over to hime because I know the mortgage will not get paid. This is how I got this duty to begin with. We have an appointment with a financial counselor but not until next month. I am at my wits end on how to get him to understand that we do not have the money to live the way he wants to. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Heather,
My heart jumped when I read your call for help just now. It was like taking a step back in time and reading my life over again. So I guess I am your future. Here to show you that you can and will get through this together and come out stronger on the other side. My husband and I are living proof.
It was like this all of our married life. He had no concept of money. His idea of checking his account was what ever the ATM said is what he thought he could spend. I on the other hand, I love to manage money! I want complete financial freedom and am willing to do without to get us there. My husband was not willing to help me with our finances. He said he wasn't good at it and didn't want to do it. We got into financial difficulties after our first son was born; too many credit cards and too little will-power. I hated to always say no to him so I'd give in and we'd get deeper into debt month after month. I then would 'give up' and just go shopping too. Then regret would set in and we'd make a cycle of it all. Finally, I had had enough when we had to get a second mortgage to pay off the $18,000 we had on credit cards. I cut all of my cards up at that point. But my husband wouldn't cut his up. He kept using them and didn't see the big deal. He tells me now that he felt so bad and so low that spending and having things made him feel better back in those days. I tried everything that I could think of to change him. But nothing worked.
About 6 yrs ago, our world crashed right before our eyes. We had a wonderful home based business that was making tons of money (to us anyway). We were flying to FL to do tv commercials as well as doing radio commercials here locally and all of this was bringing the money in hand over fist. I guess we just couldn't see it coming. The government stepped in and took over the manufacture of our product and shut them down for good it turned out. We went from tons of money to no money over night. I called the creditors thinking we had a relationship with them...LOL...that's funny right there. It all was falling apart right in front of us and we couldn't do anything to stop it.
I had every book on making money that I could find and nothing worked for us. I happened to be at the tv one day when dollar bills started floating on the screen. No it wasn't me freaking out it was the beginning of a show that has changed our lives for the BEST. There were questions that came up on the screen with the dollar bills that were floating around. Questions like, "Are you sick and tired of your financial situation? Does your money end before the month does? Do you know what the Bible says about money? Did you know that God has a plan for money?" All of these questions drew me in closer and I watched that whole program and my life changed. I couldn't believe that money was in the Bible and that God had a plan for money. But when the man on the tv said that in the Bible when God speaks of money, it is the only time God says 'try me and see.'
So at that stage of the game, I set out on a mission to do just that "try God and see' if His word was telling the truth. When I told my husband, he thought I was NUTS! I figured I didn't have anything to loose since we were about to loose the house and our only automobile to foreclosure and the repo man. I found my old Bible that I had since I was a little girl and started reading the Scriptures that I had written down from that program I had watched. The more I learned, the more I wanted to learn. It was weird because none of my other money based books held my attention like this one did. It was simple really what God said to do with our money so why hadn't I read this anywhere before? I still kept going forward and applying God's teachings.
Now I want to fast forward to today. It's been around 6yrs or so and my husband is doing a GREAT job with our finances. He is learning how to manage our money and isn't complaining about it either. He recognizes now that this is truly my gifting so he's allowing me to teach him how he can do it too. I see it giving him a new sense of accomplishment that's boosting his self-esteem. And there's nothing more exciting than a confident man around the house!
We have paid off somewhere around $66,000 worth of credit card debt, the van was saved and paid in full and our home for over 13yrs was saved as well and it is now our ONLY debt. And ALL of the glory and honor goes to God! We could not have done it without His teachings and doing it His way. But we had to be willing to learn His way and to apply what we learned and He has always been faithful to us.
We now have a fabulous home-based business that no doubt was given to us by God. We get to help other families just like ours save money and create true residual income if that's their goal to do so. Think about the real life lessons that we have taught our children through our mistakes and our willingness to learn what we were doing wrong and to make it right.
Your husband needs you to partner with him through this difficult time in your lives. I want to encourage you to stand strong and fight the fight. Not fight him even when he very well may deserve it. It doesn't get you the results that you want...I've been there and done that. Love him through it and keep trying to talk to him and show him that he is still the leader and the head of your home but money management just happens to be your gift. And ask him to allow you to show him how staying on a spending budget each month will help you all reach your financial goals even faster. And if you do not have goals in place, set them up quickly. Ask him to share his ideas for financial goals for your family. If you don't know where you are going, how will you know when you get there?
I hope it helps to know that you are not alone.
Take Care,
Norma :) SAHM homeschooling 3 boys 13, 8 & 2 yrs old and married to my Mr. Wonderful for 15 yrs. I love to help other moms, who would like to become SAHMs, reach that goal!
Heather,
It sounds to me like your husband doesn't seem to understand that he's one of the adults of the house, not one of the children. Spending money on whatever they want is something children only THINK grown-ups get to do. I would suggest some marital counseling with a focus on expectations. What your expectations are for him as a husband and a parnter and vice versa. This seems to be about money, but it's very possible that there is a deeper problem at work. You said he "hates" being part of the bill paying process, well, everyone has to do things they hate. Grown-ups know this. He seems immature to me and I think the only way to bring him around without damaging your marriage in the process is through counseling. In the meantime, no matter how mad he gets, you're going to have to restrict his access to the money. He could do your financial "portfolio" serious damage with his irresponsibility and it's incumbent upon you to prevent that for the future of your family. If he's working you can't restrict his money of course, but if he's not and he gets ticked, you can always offer him the alternative of getting a job.
I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide. I ended up having to divorce my ex for behavior like this (only much worse since I was only an E4 in the military, he wasn't working and he was spending our grocery money on new shoes, rims for his car and alcohol.) Almost 5 years later and I am still paying off the credit cards I had to rack up just to feed our family.
Dear Heather,
I don't know if you are a Christian (or not), but I can tell you that prayer is the key! You can talk and do until you are blue in the face, but prayer can and will change things!
I know I am giving you a simple answer, but it really is so!
Blessings!
Jennifer F.
I agree with Dyreka - handing over the money management to your husband would be the worst possible idea at this point. I understand the logic behind your idea, but don't do it! Keep a tight reign on the credit cards and other assets until he gets his act in gear. That is great that you are going to financial counseling next month - hopefully that will be a great help to you.
You mentioned giving him a credit card for 'emergencies' - why? Does he have a cell phone to call for help? Would a $20 stuck behind his lisence be enough if he had to get a cab somewhere in case of a car breakdown? He obviously can't handle the concept of emergency-only credit, so I'd cut it off. It's not just a matter of spending too much money, but the fact that he could ruin both your credit scores and put you all in a very bad situation.
Maybe in the meantime you can give him a type of allowance each week (if he's not bringing in his own money) and pretty much starting from scratch there - if he can handle that, then he can work on earning more trust from you. It is unfortunate to have to resort to harsh tactics, but in these times you can't have much of a learning curve. You could also 'make' him sit down to do the finances with you before he's allowed access to the money. Maybe then he can see what comes in each month and what has to go out and then you can decide together on how to spend the remainder.
Money problems are no small thing, for sure, but I am glad that you consider him a 'wonderful man' and that he is there for you and your son. Hang in there and definitely seek God for what to do in this situation!
I know my husband and I both loved spending money, and we solved it by giving ourselves an allowance. We each had $20 a month to spend on whatever we wanted, and we could go out as a family 2x a month-each of us got to choose one time. We were really really strapped at that point, and because of that practice we've learned better discipline with finances. The money we had was cash, so we couldn't go over, and there was no card for emergencies, though we did keep an extra $5 bill just in case we needed it for gas. If that would get spent though, don't let him have it. He has to learn responsibility, and that tends to make people mad, but it's necessary. It's not fair to have to keep trying to fix the over-spending: it just needs to stop.
Hi Heather-
Until you have your meeting with the financial planner and get your finances under control, get rid of the credit cards and only use cash. You (or your husband, namely) can't overspend that way. Secondly, he has got to get on the same page as you concerning finances. If he doesn't there really is nothing you can do. Even if you have separate financial accounts or credit cards, you still have joint debt like your mortgage and his financial irresponsibility can have a negative effect on YOUR credit rating. And as impossible as it is to get credit nowadays, you do not want damage your lendability.
Good luck and best wishes on getting it all straightened out.
You may have to switch to giving him cash on a weekly or monthly basis if you can...or get a prepaid visa card with a limit. It is hard to backpedal when you are used to a certain lifestyle but times are hard right now and unfortunately people are saying it is going to worse before it gets better! It might help to do a budget spreadsheet of all the money coming in and out and if he goes over show him the spreadsheet and ask him where you should pull the money....ie food, gas, mortgage? If he sees it on paper, he might realize the situation you are in and be more careful!
You cannot get him to stop spending money, you can't control how he acts. You can control his access to money. Get away from credit/debit cards, and only have available the cash that is budged for that week. Set up a monthly budget, on a spread sheet, and pay what the budget says. Check it off when it is paid, so you know. Give him and you an allowance, and when it is gone it is gone. Budget for food, and put that money in an envelope. When it is gone, you both must use your allowance for food.
These are techniques that I use to keep myself from overspending.
I too manage the money, as it became chaotic when my husband was! I would sit down and make out a budget for us, showing how much extra money we had to spend in the end of all the bills, and savings, and whatever else goes into your monthly managing. My husband was pretty good at trying to stick with what I explained we could do, and he will still call me and ask me what our money situation is when he wants to buy something. BUT, he still has the mentality, that if we have the money...it needs to be spent! I would suggest writing out a budget in the same manner, and putting it somewhere so he can see it and understand what is/isn't there. I would also agree with the other posters, give out a cash allowance..and when it is gone, it is gone. No credit cards, or anything like that. It is a shame that he can't get on board with you in trying to stick to a budget, as he is your partner in this, not your child. I think he needs to know that it is just as much of a bummer for you to have to be looking at this with him in a manner that a mother would for a child, by handing out an allowance, as it is for him to be limitted in spending. He needs to be more helpful and willing on this, hopefully your appointment will leave you both on the same side, with lots of great ideas. Good luck!
Kari
No one likes sitting down to pay bills, but unless he sees what his spending does to the checkbook he's not going to really understand. If he doesn't pay bills on time, then I think you both need to sit down together.
You have gotten some great advice. You cannot stop him from spending money. He has to understand the finances. You need to sit down and talk with him about it. I think that going to cash is the best way to stay within a budget. But you cannot do it to him, giving him an allowance for the week or month without doing it for yourself. Choose your words wisely and don't argue with him about it. Good luck.
Christen
I'm in the same situation. The only thing that stopped it for us, is that we are now out of money. Dh managed to overspend his bank account so much that I had to use credit cards to buy the basics- diapers and food, and we now are completely broke, with every one of our cards maxed. Thankfully, I had the foresight to close some credit cards earlier in the year, while they were still paid off, so i suppose it was "damage control" In my case, dh is the one who works, and I'm a SAHM. He has a very hard time not being allowed to spend the money he works for. But really, it's all to the best now. There's only a few months until tax returns, when I can pay it all off again, and dh will have to suffer with only spending what he has extra after I go shopping. Hopefulyl this will be enough to teach him about budgeting finally!
Good luck to you!
Heather:
I'm truly sorry to hear you are going through this.
I do understand COMPLETELY! However, for us, it was me - I was consumate spender. In 2006 we made a VERY tough decision to go completely credit-less - using CASH ONLY. I can't tell you how hard it was. However, it was the best decision we made.
My husband gave me a choice - credit cards/debt or a life without arguing over money every day or at least twice a month. I won't say divorce, but I will tell you I know the thought crossed our minds.
Right now - we are debt free with the exception of our mortgage. We use our debit card as a "credit card" for transactions. This way - we have a tracking system for our money.
It sounds like your husband needs to be cut off completely like I was - no credit/debit card, no cash, no checks, no nothing until he realizes the mess you are in. The "come to Jesus" meeting is the hardest and trust me, it hurts.
You could do this - open a checking account just for him. And every two weeks or whenever you get paid - put money in his account for him to use - when it's gone, it's gone. NO overdraft, no credit cards. This way - he has money - but only what you can afford to lose.
For you - if the debt is bad - find out if there's a way you can take a second on the house - if you have any equity left and pay off the debt, cars, etc. Again - no credit cards.
Make a list before you go grocery shopping every week. Ensure you have coupons to use to help you save money. Ensure you have a menu for the week - you don't have to have those items on those days - you just have the items so you, yourself, are not going to the grocery store every day. The other option is order from Giant - Peapod, or Safeway or Harris Teeters - you can use your coupons there too.
I can't tell you the relief we have knowing that there won't be any surprises in the mail - we have the water, electric, gas, etc. and that's it.
If you have time - eek out a way to make more money for yourself - sell things on craig's list or ebay. I can help you with this. I bring in, on average, an extra $200 a month on stuff I sell. This is ONLY an average - not set in stone.
Clean out the house. Learn to live on less. We live in a "disposable" society. If we go back to basics - we take a different perspective. Rent the DVD's from Red Box instead of buying it. Borrow the books from the library instead of buying it. The money you save doing this will amaze you.
Okay - I need to get back to your husband. You really have to cut him off. Let him get mad. Let him get angry. But DO NOT let him have a credit card, access to the checking account or to the money that might make the mortgage late. If you need to take him off the joint checking out - do it. Keeping a roof over your head is a priority. Again - open an account for him that will allow him access to money - a set amount of money each week. If you need to treat him like a child - do. Make him keep receipts for every penny he spends. It's a HUGE wake up call. Yes, it hurts. Yes, he'll be mad. But if he can't be trusted to make wise decisions that jeopardize the family - especially the roof over your head - then he needs to be held in check.
If the mortgage is late - call the mortgage company and tell them what's going on - the truth always works. Ask if there is a way that your payments can be pushed to the back of the loan and you pay an interest only payment. It's not the best option - but keeping them informed and talking with them, keeps them off your back. Phone calls from creditors suck.
It took me almost six months to get used to not having credit cards and using cash only. But I can tell you it's great knowing that when I do buy something - I'm buying it - not paying on it.
If you can afford to downsize your cars - do. Research how much you owe on it, what it's worth and if there's a big enough difference - trade it in on a older model - you may not have any car payments or at least lower ones.
Pack your lunch for work and your husband's. Kids too. This alone will save you AT LEAST $200 a month (figure $10 a day times 5 days = $50 a week) and then multiply that by two and it's $400 a month.
Take the bus or metro to work - this will cut back on the expense of gas. Call your insurance agency and ask them what the difference would be if you cut back on the use of the car (we use USAA and pay $800 A YEAR for two cars - full coverage with a $500 deductible). It was almost $1200 until we let them know the cars were not used as much and the mileage driven per year is less than 1000 total. No kidding.
Designate a family night - where you play games, watch a movie, etc. but you do it together - this will allow your husband to keep his focus and priority - family. If this isn't his priority - you have an even more serious problem. If he can't understand the importance of keeping a roof over your head, then a financial counselor isn't the only thing you need.
I'm sorry this is so long. But really - the changes are NOT easy. There is NO easy fix for this problem I am NOT recommending divorce. Know you are not alone. Unfortunately, it was me who was the spender. I can tell you just how hard it is to "not have" - it's not a matter of keeping up with the Jones' it - was something more. My priorities were totally messed up - if I wanted it, I got it - we had $20K available on a credit card - why not? We can afford it. Then the realization smacked me in the face - if I have to put it on a credit card - I CANNOT afford it. If I put a DVD on the credit card and only paid the minimum balance - that DVD would end up costing me $34. YIKES! That pair of shoes? add another $20 to $30 on them. If you do not pay your balance off every month - which many do not - you will end up paying more than that item is EVER worth. The burger you just put in your mouth that you bought for $5? Make it $20 - was it worth $20? NO WAY!
I need to go fix breakfast for my boys. I'm sorry this is so long. Please feel free to contact me if you need more information. Don't wait a month - cut him off now. Ask him what his priorities are. Ask him what he wants out of life. Ask him where he wants to be next year. And if the answers are "at your side in this home with our kids" then tell him it won't be there if he continues to spend the way he is. IT MUST STOP.
Ask him how and when he plans on retiring. SHOW HIM where you are now and hwo that WILL NOT HAPPEN if he continues to spend. Tell him he needs to be on the same boat as you. As his boat is going down and going down fast. This is the last life line you are giving him.
Take care. God Bless.
Lots of great advice already about taking the card away and setting cash allowances. But how about stopping the need for doing take out by packing his lunches and snacks? My husband would eat out everyday and that adds up, so we pack our lunches now. Just have a family meeting and go over what the limits are. Any way that you can have his paycheck auto-deposit funds into a savings account so there's less readily available - even if it's just $10 a week you're building up emergency cash accounts gradually. Good luck! Keep praying. many of us are in tight situations and we must accept that financial crisis are part of life and sometimes temporary. God doesn't give us anything we can't handle. We just need to have faith,hope, and love. Maybe you and your husband have other issues that make him resentful to listening to your wishes. Show him more love and appreciation and he will love you more in return and finally see things your way. The whole finance part may just be a symptom of another problem.
Dear Heather, I hope you get some great advice. It must be very difficult that you can't make your husband face facts! I highly recommend the book "Total Money Makeover" by Dave Ramsey. Wishing you all the best. Natalie
Heather - set up a separate bank account for your husband and get him an atm card. Put budgeted money in that account each and tell him when its gone its gone. He feels he still has control and so do you.
I have had similiar problems with my husband as well. One thing that helped a little was not letting him have any cards, but set aside a specific amount of cash each week and that was all he was allowed to spend. It really helped a lot.
call the credit card company and ask them to put him on a very small limit. one that you know if you have probelms you can manage them.
failing that make him freez the cards in water!!!! tell them he can have them when they thaw out in a freezer.
treat him like the child he wants to be, unfortunatly you will just have to put up with the probs
I know you said he doesn't like it, but if you could try to make him a part of the bill paying process, I think that would make his spending real to him. It's easy to use credit cards and not think about the money as actual dollars. If you could try to pay most bills all at once at the same time every month, it could become a habit. Try to make it appealing to him- maybe include something that he likes as part of the ritual. For instance, if he likes Chinese food, have one night a month when you order take out and then tackle the bills. And maybe try not to get angry at him when you see how much he spends- he will realize it himself if he actually takes part in paying the bills. Hope this helps...good luck.