Tina, I scanned what other mommas had to say (didn't want to give advice that might upset anyone) and was happy to see that most gave similar advice to what I would say. My 8 yr old son is going through something similar w/ a kid on his football team and is being called vulgar names, being pounded on after he has already been tackled and the sad thing is, other kids on his team see it and other parents see it (I'm not just being an overprotective mom,) What is really frustrating is my son is a big boy and very strong, but he is not aggressive, so doesn't push back...and sadly, sometimes that is what it takes for a bullly to back off! We have talked to this boys parents and unlike you, they were helpful and nice about it...I would advise that if walking away or staying away is not working, tell your son it is ok to fight back and if he does get into trouble for it, let him know that you will back him up and be there for him. He does need to stand up for himself! I'm hoping someday my son figures that out! (he also has a big kid on the bus who picks on him...ugh!) Good luck and we are lucky to have such wonderful sweet sons who don't WANT to fight!
I'm sorry that you have to go through this. It's so frustrating, I know. For some reason, last summer, my neighbor (2-years older than my now 8-year old) decided to pick on my older son. He didn't bully him directly, but when they were playing sports, he did pick on him. My son had just earned his black belt, but because he doesn't have a mean bone in him, would never think to hurt someone else. He knows only to use what he knows to defend himself, and not to throw the first punch. So for the most part he put up with it because they liked to play sports with the same group of kids.
I then made it a point to be outside when they were playing and find something to do, clean out the garage, yardwork, etc. I bit my tongue at first and then finally had it. I walked over to him in front of everybody and told him that I noticed he was constantly giving my son a hard time. I sternly asked him why and he was pretty much like "what?". So I pointed out several instances. I told him that no one deserved to be treated that way and that if he continued acting that way that I wouldn't hesitate to walk him over to his house and have a sit down with my husband and his parents. That did it for us. I never had to talk to his parents, he just backed off. I think kids bully because they can get away with it. When someone stands up to them, then they back down. Hopefully, this will work for you.
Good luck!
You need to encourage your kid to stand up to the bully. He can use humor if that works for him and, frankly, push back. Sometimes walking away doesn't work. Also try role playing at home where he is the bully and you are him - then switch. Have his dad do the role playing and have his dad (man to boy) give advice on how to handle him. Moms think differently than dads/boys. Just make sure you're on the same page as dad before he gives advice.
You need to be outside with your son when he is playing. When this kid does something mean, then you need to take the bully to his home & tell his parents what the kid is doing & that if it continues that you will call the police. Then you need to actually follow through with your threat if this kid does not stop. I would also sign your son up for a martial arts class. In a martial arts class they show you how to defend yourself. If your son knows how to defend himself he won't feel like a victim. Most bullys are cowards & the minute you stand up to them & show no fear they back off.
I suggest you first tell your son to ignore! You have talked to the mother. Try that one more time. I would then find out if your city has a neighbor leasion. I would try that. I would consider making a police report as well. Because you are a nice person does not mean the rest of the world is.
I would bet that if your son beat up this child he would have the police called on him. Does he go to the same school as your son? I would contact them as well. Schools have counselors that work out problems.
I am proud to say that my school district put it in black and white that any form of bullying and abuse will be reported to the police.
I wish you luck. Remember the world is NOT a safe place. I do not suggest that your son fight back. I also suggest that this other child is being abused in some why. Bullies are not born they are made by abuse. Tell your son a strong person walks away from a stupid fight and knows when to stand there ground. Forty years a ago I won a fight because I would not fight a girl back. No one ever challenged me again in school after refusing to fight. I was lucky. It is a harder world for boys. Tell him to stand his ground by ignoring this poor little person. Remember a bully feels small inside. They only feel good about themselves when they hurt others.
I have taught my girls to handle situations verbally at all costs, but when a cousin kept physically hurting them I finally had to sit down and talk to them about protecting themselves. I told them that sometimes people will hurt you when they think they can get away with it. That we should always try to talk to someone that is being mean, but if they are being violent and hurting you then you have to decide what needs to be done. I told my girls that if it is a big boy then they need to get away and find an adult....but sometimes they might need to protect themselves. In the case of their male cousin that was being abusive...I told them to hit him. I showed them how to make a fist and hit him in the arm as hard as they could. Once they started to fight back, he stopped.
My brother was a big boy growing up, but he was a big teddy bear and very sensitive. A smaller boy down the street realized Darl was an easy target and starting bullying him. Darl wouldn't do anything and he would cry because he just didn't understand why his playmate was so mean. He would talk to Kevin and ask him why he was being mean, but that just brought laughs and jeers. Finally my mother told him that if he let Kevin hurt him anymore then she was going to spank him. She told him that you don't intentionally hurt people or use violence to get your way, but you don't let others hurt you and not fight back. She explained that a good punch in the stomach or even in the face would be enough. He finally had had enough and told Kevin to cut it out or he was going to hurt him...but Kevin didn't believe it. Darl took care of business and Kevin never hurt him again. We are all adults now. Kevin is a deputy sheriff and we all laugh about it today.
I would try to explain that violence is a last option and we never want to hurt people but sometimes we have to draw the line. Have your son tell this boy that he wants to be friends with him but he has to stop being so mean. Then if he continues then tell your son to defend himself. The stick incident.....I would have told my son to take the stick from the boy and whack him with it across the legs a few times. Then tell the boy to be friends and stop being mean or he's going to get his butt kicked period.
I know it isn't the way we do things in society today, but there was a time in this country when we didn't have so many problems such as these with kids because it was understood you don't take abuse off of anyone. Boys were taught not to hit girls. And they were taught to defend themselves. I guarantee my grandpa's generation or even my father's generation would not have had this problem.
Maybe even a karate class to teach self-confidence and how to defend himself would be a good idea.
good luck!!
I didn't read all the other responses, so I hope this isn't redudant. I read a book called "Raising a secure child" and one of the things it talked about was teaching your kids how to deal with these kinds of situations. Basically, when your boy comes home upset and tells you what Troublemaker did, say "Did you like when he did that?" Your son will answer (probably emphatically) "No!" Tell him "Then you need to tell Troublemaker 'I don't like being treated that way. It really makes me angry/sad. I will not play with you if you are going to do (whatever he's done).' and walk away." It sounds like your son is already doing this to some degree. Just make sure he has the right words so that he isn't just yelling an insult at the boy. He should be able to name the action that is upsetting him, name how it makes him feel and say what will happen if the action continues (i.e. he will no longer play with the boy, he will no longer let the boy play with his wii, etc). This is important for your son to learn to deal with peer pressure and negative social situations as he grows up. The problem with just ignoring the behavior is that will make your son feel like he is powerless. He needs a way to feel that he has control of the situation and that he is right to feel angry/sad about how he is being treated. Do not teach him to use passive aggressive means to get back at the kid (like inviting everyone else over but not the problem child) because that is the pattern he will follow in the future. If your son loses his cool and punches the other kid, don't punish him just explain why it's better to use words. You want to avoid teaching him to use violence, but you really can't expect a kid to have that much control.
Clearly this neighborhood boy has some kind of issue if none of the other kids want to deal with him. You might try having a sit down with his mom, if you and she are on friendly terms at all. It sounds like he's acting out to get attention like he doesn't know how to get kids to play with him nicely and is using hostility/aggression. Of course, it's not really your job to parent someone else's child but there's always the chance that she doesn't realize how her son is acting. There could be a reason (like a recent divorce, death of a grandparent) that she could enlighten you so you can explain to your son what is happening.
Good luck!
I do believe in taking the route of being nice for a while but your son needs to defend himself. This has been going on too long I wouldn't tell my kids to shove another as the first response but enough is enough. I can promise that the kids will stop picking on him once he puts him in his place. He's not going to stop because he sees your son as a weaker person. This is so sad but I think he should defend himself.
Your son needs to stand up to this kid, the more he walks away this boy is taking this as a sign of weekness. I'm sure your son is afraid of this boy, it sounds like he is . But still you need to reassure him that he is aloud to take control of this situation. Tell him he is aloud to stand up for himself. Emotionally , if he does not he will cower from all situations. You give him the courage to stand up to this kid. How would you feel if everytime you went to work a co worker spit on you tripped you as you walked by. Eventually if you did nothing it would consume your every thought at work and home. Not only does your son have to deal with him when he walks out your front door. This boy lives in his head when he goes to bed at night. And I.m sure he's in his head before he leaves in the morning.. You would not allow this to go on inside your home but then agian in a way you are. If worse comes to worse call the police the side of thier car says to serve and PROTECT appearently this childs parents are not much different or this would have stopped.If my son were bullying a child and the parent came to me he would not have to worry about the other boy beating him up. His butt would be red by my hand. This kid is 7 from what you said ,if he's running the show there 's a serious problem.......
If this child is spitting and soaking him with a hose and the parent does not step up and stop this, I would call local law enforcement and see if they would talk to the child and let the parents know that next time you plan on taking action. Bullying is taken very serious due to the long term ramifications and outcome. I would take action and allow my son to take action if he feels comfortable.
I am so sad for your son. Really, please, take my advice. Call the police. Right now. It will never get better otherwise. We have all known people like that sick little boy who obviously can't control himself, and his parents either can't or wont't control him. I used to have neighbors when I was a kid who used to spit on me. It's gross and demoralizing. My parents were immigrants who didn't speak good English and didn't want to rock the boat. It makes me so sad to remember it.
When my daughter was very little (about two) we were at the mall play area and a boy a whole head taller than my girl (I guess about five) kept hitting my daughter. She would move away and the boy would follow her. The mother was right there and did nothing, so I went up to her and said, "Is there something wrong with your son?" She said, "What do you mean?" I said, "Well, he keeps hitting my daughter and you're not doing anything about it, so I figured maybe there was something wrong with him and he can't control himself." She had the nerve to say, "Oh, you're daughter's perfect?" So I said, "No, but she would never hit anyone, and if she did I would take her out of here." So, the other mom said she was going to call security on me. There are some kids and parents who think they can do no wrong. I should have just called security (or the police) in the first place.
You need to put a stop to this behavior NOW. Spitting on someone is a battery. The parents will not want the police at their house more than once. Also, make sure you make the principal of the school aware of the situation.
Your son will be grateful to you forever.
SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - A man who intentionally spat at another can be charged with criminal assault, a U.S. appeals court ruled on Wednesday.
"Intentionally spitting on another person is an offensive touching that rises to the level of simple assault," the three-judge panel wrote.
So, spitting is assault. That bully committed a crime against your son. Seriously, I'd have the police involved.
That being said, I'm so sorry to even read this. My stomach is in a knot over it. I have two boys that are too young for this (3 and 1), but I can't imagine what you are going through...
My mom raised 4 kids and there is 19 years between me (oldest) and my youngest sister. She has made some parenting choices that I question, but one thing that she has stood firm on is "Don't ever hit first, but hit back." She told me when I was younger that she would stand by me in any case of "fighting" if I was defending myself. She never encouraged us to fight, ever - but she didn't want us to be beaten up. I had a few scuffs as a kid, but I never hit first. Well, one time I did - some girl pulled my sister's hair and I hit her. She never bothered my sister again.
I think that I'll have the same thought process with my boys. I never want them to start a fight, but I want to give them the confidence to finish one in order to defend themselves (or each other).
I'm sure some will disagree with my thoughts, but that's ok. I just hope that you find something that works for you and your son.
Good luck.
Toni
I agree with the advice to get the authorities involved. If you have a video camers and can document the abuse then you give the police more to work with and the parents can't say you are exaggerating.
My other question is do they attend the same school? Again having video as evidence of the other childs behavior will give the school more to work with and they will take the situation seriously from the beginning. Perhaps they will make counseling a condition of his (the bully's) attendance.
It's really sad what is happening to your son, but so far I have only read one other answer that thinks at all about this other boy. It sounds like the "mean" boy is in a lot of pain. Something is not right there if he continues to do things that make the other kids not like him or want to play with him. You don't know what goes on in peoples houses, but if after asking mom to have him stop he came out and went back after your son, I am sure something hurtful is going on with this kid.(Either not enough attention or something is just not working.) Maybe a family problem or emotional issue. If nobody likes this kid, he knows it. Excluding him will only make it worse. Why don't you talk to him? Maybe ask him some questions about himself.(He will most likely resist the positive attention but he is looking for attention.) Ask him silly stuff like how far he can spit in a contest, or turn his actions into something he can be proud of and feel good about.(Spitting on someone is never something to be proud of, but finding something you are good at when you feel like you aren't cared for is close to impossible.) He sounds envious of your son and all he has (wii, he is new and the other kids like him more already, mom who cares about him, who knows what else) Explain this to your son. Your son sounds very caring and if you look at a bully as a person in pain, it is easier to turn the other cheek. I agree that your son must stand up to himself with words. "I don't like it when you...." This will make the other kids respect him too when they see he is handling himself so well with this bully. And it is okay for you to speak up to the other boy too. If there is a dangerous situation happening you would want someone to step in to "save" your son. This kid is in a dangerous situation...getting the police involved will give him a record and a mark and that is hard to get out from behind in the future.
Others have mentioned it, but I use the "it takes a village" approach in my neighborhood. Get out there, and don't be afraid to scold other kids. When my kids were little some kids were riding their big wheels very fast up and down the sidewalk where toddlers were playing. A very close call sent me storming up to a boy and told him to slow down and never get so close to a baby. He ran crying to his mom (who was also outside) and I followed the boy and explained to her that I had gotten in his face (no yelling involved) for almost flattening a little one. She understood.
Now they are all older and when a "mean" kid is hanging around the group, I just make myself obvious, and when I hear/see something I don't like, I tell the offender what is acceptable and what is not. I am not out to be the friendliest mom in town, but the kids know that they are safe. Usually it only takes once to be reprimanded by an adult, these kids are obviously not hearing "no" at home. Only the nice ones come around. Talk up the situation with your friends in the neighborhood and enlist them to watch out too.
Your son is not 16 - he doesn't need to handle this himself. Just get in that bully's face, and make sure he knows you are watching and communicating with his parents.
Dear Tina,
Heartbreaking!!!! I can't stand mean kids. I have two children; 13 yr old girl and 10 year old boy. I've raised my children to be kind and treat others as they would want to be treated (and they are in BIG trouble if I hear differently!) Sadly, some parents won't do ANYTHING about it. I've listened to terrible language from 9 - 10 year olds. I approached one child who said to me..."yeah...my parents don't like when I swear either!"....HUH???And...sadly, hitting the kid isn't the answer, either, especially if your son doesn't have that fighting instinct in him. I'm reading "spits on him......" that makes my blood boil!
I was in a dr.'s office recently and read this great article about bullying (on my return visit, they let me keep the magazine.) I had never heard of the magazine before but I was able to find it on-line for you. So many misconceptions about bullies and why they do it. I've even talked and role-played with my kids about bullying. (Try the role-play they suggest) We had an ongoing situation on the bus, last year and other children were targets. My child kept me informed of the situation and I kept telling my child that I must call the school to inform them and was begged not to - the bus driver hadn't even tried to control this stuff. The day came that I HAD to call the principal. The principal's comment to me was "I was the only parent who called on the situation that spanned 3 weeks - no one else got involved". Parents HAVE TO GET INVOLVED! It's sad that others haven't come to his rescue and no one else sees this. Unfortunately, at this point, time may help this go away or he may have to address this kid. Bullies are relentless. Make sure you know just about every child's name in the neighborhood and I use it.
http://wondertime.go.com/learning/article/bullyproof-your-child.html
Please update us. I really feel for you on this one. Good luck.
Our 7 year old girl was having trouble with a bully at school. We realized that we can't change the bully, but we could change her.
We playacted some of the scenerios with my hubby acting like the bully and then we had her practice what to do. We taught her how to ignore jeers (we asked her what the bully had been calling her then we used those words and she practiced "being bored." and ignoring them). We had her practice confrontation if he got to the point where he was touching her. We had her say "Leave me alone!" and shout it with emphasis and get in his face. We also covered what to do if he started hitting her (which he hadn't but you never know.) We did this until she was even laughing and feeling good.
The funny thing is, once she got the confidence to handle the bully he never bothered her again. We never heard another word about him since the day we playacted, she never even said she had to do any of the things we practiced. He just ceased to be a problem.
Bullys seem to be able to sense a weakness or a lack of confidence and that's why they pick the targets they do. Exuding confidence is the best defense. I think the bully sensed the change in her and left her alone thereafter. Just like martial arts, a good martial artist never has to use their art as they don't look like a target anymore.
I suggest playacting with your son. Don't be afraid to get a little mean when you play the "bully" because you want him to be prepared. We called her dumb, a stupidhead, we said she was ugly—anything a bully might say. At first she wasn't sure what to do but pretty soon she actually didn't care what we called her. It really helped her a lot!
I am a retired teacher and a parent of a girl who was bullied for part of a year. Interestingly, she was 9 then, too. We had raised her to be a good Christian and felt that her "turning the other cheek" was adding to the problem. One day my husband just told her to knock him down to the ground. He asked her if a bloody nose would be as bad as the crapola. As a teacher I told her that she might get punished, but so be it--the school wasn't helping with their little efforts either. The parents weren't in the mood to change their brat. So my girl didn't back down. A little shove was all it took. He threatened to tell the teacher. She replied Let's go tell her. I don't care if I get in trouble, and my parents are behind me. That was all it took. We talked about how that is not the immediate solution, and how it was hypocritical of our Christian teachings, but in the end, we just couldn't take it anymore. Good luck.
I am so sorry to hear this, I know EXACTLY what he's going thru. My advice would be to go with the bully kid to his house and talk to his mother again and tell her if he doesn't stay away from your son you will call the police. Also that he is not welcome on your property. I wish you luck.Kids like that must be dealing with something on their own and don't know how to manage their feelings and they use other kids to pick on.
hi,
you have to nip this and stop it immediately. go out there and yell at this kid at the top of your lungs and scare the "hell" out of him..it's not against the law to scream at a minor!! and if the mother comes over oh well..she never did nothing about it...my neice went thru a series of abuse. we would tell her to ignore the bullying and that the kid had problems. this all started at a young age also. now at 15 yrs old, we all wish we could have done things differently. one kid turn into a group bulling her..she was single out as the weak kid...then the verbal turn into physical abuse..and she stopped telling us what was going on..cuz she was terrified they would hurt her more..she was hit across theface with a 3 inch text book and refused to rat out the kid..due to fear....the school did nothing...teasing can really affect the outcome of a child... she hated school and would cry every morning or come home crying and kept it to herself....my poor niece has low self esteem, is on medication due to severe depression, she isolated herself into an imaginary world were kids are nice and she had friends..she was institutionalized this Feb and has been in and out of the psych ward...my brother didn't realized how serious the bullying was and it is too late now. he wanted to go to the school beat every kid up..and regrets many things. it is truly heartbreaking to see such a young and pretty girl in her condition. in her psychotic epsisodes she's fighting, yelling at these bullies. kids arent how they use to be when we were younger..they are much more cruel and lack a lot of morals..which is the parents fault....so learn from our experience which is truly heartbreaking and put fear into this kid...or tell your son to just knock him off the bike or push him down...let him know u're son is not weak or easy to pick on..good luck