Has anyone figured out how to deal with a rude mother-in-law?

[Observer]

I mean one who comes in from out of town, but doesn't tell you WHEN her ETA is; then arrives and honks her horn for somebody to come out to help her out of her car? That's only a drop in the bucket. This has been a very very stressful day for both me and my son. My son gets upset because he's got schooling to do; I've got my own things to do, and then this happens, making us both very annoyed and throws us both into a bit of a crisis because SHE'S OUT THERE, so SOMEBODY has to go out to help her. She does this quite often. I asked my husband why she can't CALL somebody to tell them she's on her way. He doesn't know.
It just seems to me that she has no boundaries or common courtesy. My son and I were both furious that she came at a bad time, got in the way, annoyed us both, yet never seems to pick up on any social cues. What upset me was the stress my son is under with trying to get homework projects done, etc., and this time he told me he felt like he was going to throw up, he was under so much stress.
We all know this woman is lonely, her hearing is going, so she can't hear how busy we are or that it's a bad time, but she doesn't seem to care.
When she comes unannounced like this we are too angry and shocked to set time boundaries, especially when she says she'll come by later.
I would almost love to see what ultimately happens when she stops by like this, honks the horn, calls on her phone from out front, yet nobody will go out because she didn't call first.

It would be easy to stereotype all mothers in law like this, but I'm sure there are some out there who are more socially respectful than this.

My son and I both told my husband later what our day was like with her, but I don't think HE understands her either or knows what to do. I can tell there are times when even he gets exasperated with her, but he is not one to really yell at her. Honestly, I don't know how he holds it in.

She grew up with 3 sisters, all but one of whom are deceased, and over the years I noticed how much her personality is (negatively) different from the rest. Makes me wonder.....
Oftentimes when we are on the phone with her and getting ready to hang up she says she loves us, but it is hard for me to say the same to her. But I think it would be rude not to.

Does anybody else get so annoyed and interrupted that you don't think of the right things to say WHEN you need them? What makes some people, especially relatives, think they can just barge in on you and not pick up on the mood of the house to know it's a bad time? I know, relatives are "family", but why don't they listen or respect boundaries? I guess those things don't apply to THEM, because since they are "family" they're always welcome?? SIGH.
It's often like these people know they're being rude or intruding, but they don't care. They just make themselves at home. Oftentimes they hang around like they don't have anything better to do, but the longer they stay the more annoyed you get, yet they are blind to it.

[B_11]

Go with your son and he can do his homework in your local public library.
MIL can honk her horn all she likes - you won’t be home to hear it.
Or stay home and call the cops on her.
She’s disturbing your peace so press charges.

Better yet, give her a calendar with days marked where she’s scheduled to visit.
Anytime she shows up out of the schedule either not be there or simply use ear plugs (son too) and don’t let her in.
Sometimes loving family means tough love.
Get tough.
You call your shots for your schedule - not MIL.

[Diane_B3]

I don’t blame you for being annoyed. That’s definitely inconsiderate. Family or not, it’s ridiculous to assume that you’re sitting around waiting for someone to show up and entertain you! Normally, I think it’s best if spouses handle their own parents, but it sounds like your husband isn’t around when this occurs. However, has he talked to her and told her this can’t continue?

It’s hard to think of the right things to say in the moment. I’m the kind of person who thinks it through after the fact, telling myself, “Oh, I should have said XYZ!” I think it’s best if you come up with 3 or 4 stock phrases and just say them over and over. It doesn’t matter if she’s blind to it - you don’t have to wait for her to read your body language and decide to go home.

I am concerned that your child is so stressed out about his work, though. I do think some schools load kids up with way too much homework, and if the kid isn’t perfect with time management, it can be messy. He could also be picking up on your tension and trying to figure a way to make it easier for you. Don’t let him think a kid has a job to take care of an adult - show him how to take charge of the situation.

I do think that it’s fine - and a good idea - for you and your kid to “have plans” when Grandma comes over. That may mean having a spare backpack or tote bag by the door all the time so it always looks like you’re ready to go out. Doesn’t matter if it has an old dictionary and a couple of beach towels in it - you have to look ready to go. Then you hear the horn honk and you put on your coats, head out the door and act surprised to see her because you “didn’t hear the horn,” and you pop out with one of your 4 stock phrases. 1) “Oh, gosh, Grandma, I wish I had known you were coming, but we’re heading out this very moment because Jimmy is late for ____.” 2) So sorry, Grandma, Jimmy has a school project due and we need supplies." 3) Sorry, Grandma, we’re off to the library to do research." 4) One more of your choice.

I do think your child could benefit from going to the public library with you, even if you split up while there, because it’s a more conducive environment for quiet work and there are even librarians who could perhaps serve as a resource for one or more of your kid’s subjects.

The thing that’s best is not to let your anger (justifiable though it is) ruin your day. Don’t encourage Grandma to call and say she’s headed over, and do not permit the horn blowing at the curb to summon you to her aid. You can have a prearranged day for her to come (maybe Friday, if your son doesn’t have homework or an activity), hang out, stay for dinner. Every other day is when you structure (or tell her you’re structuring) his work and your own so that, when she comes, so you can give her time and attention. However, it doesn’t matter if she “gets it” or reads your body language - the only ones suffering now are you and your son. You have to make it impossible for her to come in the house and annoy you - even if that means you leave. Maybe you just take him for ice cream and then come home the back way - doesn’t matter. Just head out the door and be sure your husband is on board with your story so he backs you up. I’d be surprised if you had to do this more than half a dozen times before she gets the message.

People can’t take advantage of you over and over without your participation.

[RN_L]

It’s hard to know from the info you give what her problem is, but I like to assume the best of people, so in this case I would assume she really doesn’t know how to read social cues. Maybe she is on the autism spectrum, or maybe she never had her needs well met when she was a child, and she is unable to think about anyone but herself. Maybe she is picking up on your negative feelings towards her, and is looking for reassurance of your love.

I’m glad your husband stepped up, and while it is sort of sad he needed to do that, it also could result in a better, more honest relationship.

You stated she is losing her hearing and has lost most of her sisters, so I also would assume that is also impacting her. Can your husband help her get a hearing aid?

Since her boundaries are so poor, try your best to schedule things as they are convenient for you, so that you can be sincere in enjoying her company and saying “I love you.”