Father Moving away after Divorce

Family & Parenting Divorce & Custody
1

Hello All,

I need advice on what to tell my Daughter about her Father moving out of State. We have been Divorced almost 2 years now, and my Ex lives right around the corner from us. My 8 Year old Daughter has (and still is having) a VERY hard time with the Divorce. Her Father spung the fact that he is putting his home up for sale on me last week. Today, he sent a message saying that the “For Sale” sign is in the Yard. He will be telling our Daughter this Evening. All of her Best Friends live on his street, so she will continue playing there. The GRAND FINALE is that he is moving to LOS ANGELES (we live in Texas), with his New Girlfriend. Our Daughter has met the Girlfriend once.

Our Daughter has already gone through so many changes, and I just don’t know how I’m going to explain THIS one. Her Father definitely has the right to move on with his Life, but Kids see things differently.

What do I tell her??

2

It's going to be hard for her no matter what.

"I'm sorry for your sake that your daddy is moving away. Of course, he's a grownup, and he can do that if he wants to. I know you are going to miss him. We'll see about getting Skype set up [assuming you don't have it] so you and your daddy can see each other, just the way your military friends see their parents who are deployed."

Be prepared to answer questions - both now and way down the road.

3

I would ask him what his plan for communication (skype? phone calls? emails? letters?) and visitation is. I would ask him to tell her himself that he is moving and give her promises (if he plans to keep them) about visits. If modifications need to be made to the CO, then you and he need to get a mediator or a lawyer and make those changes. I would also consider finding a counselor for her, especially if she is struggling already.

4

Ugh - so sorry. He put the sign out on the lawn before telling the child? She's likely to hear about it from friends before he talks to her, which is wrong wrong wrong. But he is who he is, and there's no easy way to tell her. All you can do is reassure her that her dad loves her. If he can find time to tell you what words he used to tell her, that will help - you can try to be on the same page.

I'd de-emphasize the girlfriend and make it more about his job, whether it's true or not. Say that he is watching out for her by going for the best job opportunity, that you know it's hard for her to see that but these are things that grownups have to decide and kids don't need to have it all figured out.

Stress to her that she has managed the change from 2 parents living together to 2 parents living apart, and make sure to reassure her that so many other things in her life will stay the same. Some kids can understand that they get a new teacher and a new classroom every year, or go to a new camp or summer program - I know it's not the same as "your dad's house is getting a new owner" and "your dad will be living farther away", believe me. But some kids benefit from looking at changes that ARE manageable, and making the next step to changes that seem unmanageable.

If she's sad, angry, scared or disappointed, listen to her and let her have those feelings. Don't whitewash them. Focus more on what she thinks and not on what you think. It's hard to keep your own resentment and anger at how he's handled this - but it sounds like he's not a very responsible co-parent in terms of connecting with you so you can both address this together. It may be that this is the first of quite a few disappointments she will have, and an example of other parenting decisions he will make. I don't know. But if it is, you can't protect her from all of them, or maybe any of them.

Talk to your children's librarian at your town library or a larger library that is part of your library's lending system. There may be some excellent books that deal with this. Parents leave for a long time for a variety of reasons - career moves, military deployments, job transfers, and so on. Perhaps seeing herself as one of many kids will help her rather than depress her. The main thing is to reassure her that her dad loves her and always will. Start working on things like Skype or FaceTime so she can talk to her dad face to face.

I would NOT make too big a deal about all the great things California has to offer until you know for sure that she will be visiting him there. The logistics have to be worked out and it would be unfortunate if she were assuaged with thoughts of Disneyland, Hollywood or some other big landmark/attraction. At this point you don't even know if his move will "stick" or his relationship will work out. If it is a permanent thing, your daughter will have time to meet this woman and ideally not blame her for taking Daddy away. If it doesn't work out, the less your daughter fixates on it, the better.

Good luck - I'm sure this is so hard for both of you.

5

Maybe when he tells her, he can have a plan in mind for when her first visit will be, or when his first visit back to Texas will be. It might help her if she knows exactly when she's going to see him next.

Make sure you both have skype, face time, or some other way for them to see each other on a regular basis. It won't be the same, but it will help her to be able to show him things she makes at school and simply to see his face. Let her call him whenever she wants, especially in the beginning.

YOU do not need to be the one to explain it. He's the one moving, so let him figure out how to tell her. Of course, she'll have questions for you too, but defer to him as much as possible.

At 8 years old, your daughter should be able to safely fly as an unaccompanied minor. It will make visiting him a little easier, as you would not have to go with her every time. You can fly nonstop to LAX from most major Texas cities.

I'm sorry your daughter has to go through this. Hopefully the impact on you won't be too rough.

6

Just tell her that no matter what he does, YOU'LL always be there for her.

7

I assume they do not have a close relationship (if he is willing to pick up his life and move so far away from her) and while that is sad on one hand, it's probably actually a good thing.
As a child of a broken home I can tell you it's best for the child if the only adults who are present in her life are those who truly want to be there.
And at least she still has her home, her neighborhood, school and friends, all very important things in terms of stability.
Just tell her, daddy is moving away, but she can still talk to him, write to him and even Skype or Face Time whenever she wants.
Hopefully he makes the time for at least that.

8

Is he allowed to so that? You gave permission in the divorce for him to move? If not, you need to talk to your lawyer.

9

You can't control whether he moves or not. You can control whether he is allowed to take your daughter out of state. But I would not run him down to her. Ask him what he plans to tell her. Is he moving for a better job? When he tells you what he is telling her you can take your cue from that. I would not explain I would let him explain.

10

Is this legal according to your divorce decree?

Let him explain. You are there to support her. Find a family therapist and/or talk to the school counselor so she has some additional support.

11

He needs to tell her. In his own way. Otherwise the anger she feels is going to be directed at you and not him. Somehow it will be associated to you in her mind. Even though she knows this is not your fault. Unless the divorce is something she blames on you too. Then she's going to think "If you just didn't cause this divorce I'd have my dad right here at home!!!".

He needs to man up and tell her. You don't need to do it for any reason.

12

it sounds as if HE'S going to do the telling. as it should be.
your role is to let HER come to you. if she asks questions, answer them simply and honestly. don't fish for her feelings or try to 'feed' her responses.
don't expect that she won't mourn, or act out, or lash out. this will doubtless be very difficult for her. and you can't prevent that.
be her safe place to vent, and process, and figure it out.
don't overshare, and don't lie to her.
good luck!
khairete
suz

13

It's not your job to explain this to her. It's his. You just be a comfort when she comes home and help her to be resilient and tough. She will be fine.

14

After your SWH: I'm sorry about the specifics of the news. I think her reaction was completely normal. I'd let her digest it and definitely let her feel how she feels, let her be angry (that was good advice from K F.) because she's entitled to feel however she feels and work through it. I might get her a counselor to help her work through it, and you can even set up sessions for family counseling even if it's just the two of you. I would see if her dad is willing to attend some sessions with her and both of you "until his house sells." I'm relieved to see you're already planning a therapist for her.

Hopefully, when he settles down a bit, visits can be worked out and I still think that this needs to be addressed officially in court for custody issues and child support issues if it's not already. 


You don't warn her about the news.  You let him tell her and explain it.  See how he handles it and then see how she handles it.  Don't put your cart before the horse.  Then like with any other issue in life, you answer her questions as she comes to you with them.  Keep an open dialogue. 

Hopefully he'll make sure that there's a liberal visitation routine.  You'll need to establish custody/visitation with him if you haven't already, and do it officially through the court.
15

Hi,

You don't say how involved he is with her. So, while it may seem horrible. It might actually be good.

We divorced almost two years ago as well. he moved a mile away and never had the kids (7&12 then, 9&14 now) more than time for a dinner. He might show up at games, never a practice. It was SO hard when he lived so close and didn't help with anything.

He told me last June he was moving to Cali. He never told the kids and so I did around July 4th, because I thought that was when he was leaving. He left 8/1. He sent my oldest a text when he left and sent me a text to tell my daughter bye. I guess it was to hard for him to tell his kids bye?? Anyway, he posted on facebook he'd be back every other weekend. I knew that was unrealistic. He's been back two weekends and came for Christmas because I let him stay with us for a few weeks.

It has truly been the biggest blessing to have him gone and not have to see them hurt every day. I know it's awful for them not to have a Dad, but he wasn't there anyway. Now, if yours have a good relationship it will be different. Just be honest with her because she won't see him much. My Dad left for California when I was about 8 and now we have a great relationship. I know my kids will one day to, but for now he really doesn't exist in their lives.

She will feel abandoned and you will as well because we had kids together and now we're raising them on our own and they get to do whatever they please. It's a blessing to have our kids, but it's also a lot of work :)!

We have a great school counselor and she helped my daughter a lot. My son seems more okay with things. It's unfortunate that kids now just think divorce is normal.

She has every right to be mad at him so let he have those feelings, but she'll also need to work through them as I remember being so angry as a kid. My daughter cried over something really small a while back and when we got to the root of the problem it was over the divorce. She hadn't showed much emotion over it before, but sometimes they will act out over something else and it is actually due to that. Just be there for her and love on her.

16

First of all, I would like to thank EVERYONE for all of the wonderful advise, and well wishes. So ok…Her Father broke the News last night. He also broke the News that her GRANDFATHER (his Father) will be moving next week as well. This is breaking news to me as well. Our Daughter cried uncontrollably. She started throwing things, then she started asking him questions. He explained that he was going there to find work, (he’s in the Entertainment field), but that explanation didn’t provide any comfort. She asked when he was moving, he couldn’t give her an answer…he said “when the house sells.” She asked if she could fly to visit him sometime soon (he travels for a Living), he said it would be too hard to get her there. So…long story short, my Daughter feels pretty “abandoned” right now. I hugged her, and tried to comfort her as much as I could. After a good 20 minute cry, she put on a “brave face”, sat up, and said “I don’t like Daddy anymore.” She also said she was going to change his name in her Phone to “Someone I USED to know.” I’m DEFINITELY seeking a Therapist for her. NOT GOOD!!