Ending a Friendship

Other Topics All Other Topics
1

I think I'm done with a girlfriend of mine. I really like her and her kids but we are going no where with our friendship of 5 years.

Would you stay friends with someone who does these things?

Never wants to be alone with my children and I. Always invites me to group events but doesn't tell me that the friends are going to be there.

When my sister died she didn't call or visit me or anything.

Her friend died recently. I knew and like her friend very much. I wanted to get together with her so we could talk but she never bothered.

Hardly calls anymore.

At her kids birthday parties she barely talks to me unless I approach her.

Never invites me to her house.

When I invite her places she cancels frequently. I sometimes have to cancel on some things, so I am not too offended by it.

I guess I've answered my own question, but was looking for other opinions. She seems to like me and always seems happy when we talk, but the friendship train has no destination. I'm thinking I should move on, but I am sad that I have to give up on it. I can't seem to keep any friendships. They always fizzle. My husband says it's my fault. I had friends in my home state but we hardly ever visit and those friends have turned into facebook friends. I'm thinking of joining a women's group just so I don't feel alone.

2

What you have described here is not a friendship…it is two people that run into each other every now and then.

I don’t see where you have to do anything here. Just stop calling or making plans here. No need to do some sort of formal declaration of the end of the friendship. For whatever reason, you all just don’t click now.

I do understand your pain about friendships though. I used to have tons of friends when I was in high school and college. Now, not so much. I simply do not have the same amount of time to cultivate those types of relationships.

3

You don’t really have to end anything. It truly isn’t much of a mutual friendship. If she didn’t bother to contact you to see how you were doing when you suffered such a horrible loss when your sister died, I’m not really sure why you would want to keep someone like this as a friend.

You can be friendly to someone without being friends in the true sense of the word. So, be friendly when you see her at birthday parties, parks, school, whatever, but there is no need to go out of your way anymore to try and keep any regular contact. Just let it go. It happens.

Now, to the other part of your post. By your own admission, you say you can’t keep friendships, and your husband has indicated to you that there may be something you are doing. Are you aware of how you interact with people? What vibes do you send off? Are you unknowingly coming across as needy, clingy? Do you ‘put all your eggs in one friendship basket?’ Do you “keep score” or have unreasonable expectations of people?

NOTE: I am NOT saying that you do any of these things; I’m just throwing out possible questions for you to ask yourself honestly so you can have more success in your friendships in the future.

You could ask people you truly trust (perhaps husband, siblings, parents) to give you feedback about your behavior—IF you believe they have your best interest in mind and will tell you the truth, and IF you can handle that truth. Don’t ask them for this information and then get mad when they tell you.

Maybe it’s the way you go about choosing friends. Are you choosing friends just because you have children the same age? While that works well sometimes, as the children grow, these friendships may fade. It’s easy to have lots in common with another mom when you can both relate to being up all night breastfeeding, taking care of sick kids, or sharing endless diaper stories, but as we move out of the baby, toddler, preschool phases, we get back to our “selves” a bit more and need to have friendships that are about more than just the kids.

I think it’s a great idea to join some women’s groups so you can broaden your friendship network and increase the chances of finding other women with whom you have things in common. You sure won’t meet any new friends sitting at home.

I wish you the best with this. It’s not always easy to look at ourselves and make changes, and it’s not always easy to strike up new friendships as adults, but it can be done, and when you find those friendships, you’ll realize how much they add to your life.

Julie F.

4

Looks like you want more than she is offering. Frankly all my friendships are this spotty and scattered as we barley fit one another into our lives with young families to raise. Perhaps she has more kids than you, perhaps they are younger than yours and you’ve forgotten how demanding those kids are on your time? Perhaps your the kind of person who likes to foster one or just a few very close friendship and she is someone who likes to have lots of friends and aquaintances. These are not right or wrong, but if you don’t understand these different styles, there are feelings to be hurt. People who like just a few close friends can come off a little demanding and needy.

And really, who has time to talk when hosting their kids birthday parties? I don’t expect but a few passing comments of my mommy host friends. It sounds like you do value and esteem the friendship more than she does. The question is, can you be okay with what you’ve got or do you just need more? Perhaps you can accept the level of closeness this friendship is limited to and still pursue that one really close friend you want.

5

What Tracy M and Julie F both suggested are correct: this isn’t a deep friendship, this is a person you do some things with occasionally.

Let me ask you why you feel that you have to make a concrete “I am not going to be friends” choice with this person? It sounds like your expectation of what her part of the relationship should be is very important to you, and because she didn’t meet your expectation, you feel let down.

Now here’s something I’m going to suggest and I could be wrong but here goes: from your past posts, it could be that you have very high expectations of people and give a lot of your energy to ‘what to do’ about others. For some people-- especially people who, like your old friends,had a chance to experience being around you before you had kids and some of the worries you have now-- they know you from way back. They’ve had the fun times, made the memories, and they had that benefit of knowing that part of you.

However, my best guess is that as you are finding it hard to know how to be friends with them, they may have the sense that they are disappointing you and eventually choose to stay away. I also have had the experience that when I was most wanting friends, I came on Way too strong in my attempts at connection. I’m a fairly intense person myself and it’s been a life lesson to learn to slow down and get to know people (and let them get to know me) naturally, casually.

I’d also suggest that as parents, many of us don’t have the time or inclination for socializing as much as others do. I know some moms who get together to cook or bake or run – but far more who do not. I would guess that when we feel our mom friends are all in their groups or coupled off with other women at events-- these women likely have those moments of feeling on the outside as well.

I don’t know what to tell you, otherwise. If you think there is something about your personality which is keeping you from developing friendships, then talk to a counselor or therapist to see how you might want to address it. Not knowing you personally, I can’t say if you are doing something off-putting or not, but it does sound like you are very sensitive to the actions of others and that can be work to be around. I’m not saying it’s your fault necessarily, but maybe finding a way to dial it down would be helpful for you. Good luck.

6

She sounds like more of acquaintance, or a “mommy” friend, than a real friend.
There’s really nothing to “do” about it. You can either distance yourself from her, or accept the relationship for what it is, casual, not deep.
Why does your husband say this is your fault? That sounds mean on his part! Unless he’s trying to make a valid point…?
Do you expect a lot from people, are you needy, do your feelings get hurt easily?
Being a mom, wife and then daughter, sister, employee, etc. etc. takes a lot of effort for all of us. Most of the friendships I have with women have developed over MANY YEARS. When the kids are young it’s harder, as they get older and you start spending more quality, kid free time together it gets easier.
Do things you enjoy that get you around others. I made most of my (now) long time mom/girlfriends by volunteering at school and in the community. We never pressured each other to hang out (we were all so busy!) but we got to know each other at school, working on projects and enjoyed each others’ company. Over time some of us made more of an effort to actually get together and be REAL friends, outside of school and motherhood. Book club, exercise, movies and coffee/cocktails/shopping are all things we get to do now.
I’m also making some new friends at my yoga class which is cool :slight_smile:
So hang in there, do things you enjoy and don’t have unreasonably high expectations. Not every friend is going to be a close friend, some will simply be on the fringe, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

7

I accepted long ago that there are different types of friends. It’s ok to recognize each type and celebrate it for what it is without being disappointed that it is not more.

I have friends who are fun to go out with, but not to comfort me when I’m down. I have friends who are good listeners but not good solvers and vice versa. I have friends who will give me an honest assessment even when it hurts and some who won’t. I have friends who are parents of my kids friends but who I don’t see outside that situation. I have work friends. I have neighbor friends.

All these relationships add to my life. Some fill more than one category, but others do not. For example, I have friends who I see twice a year only at our neighborhood block party and neighborhood Christmas party. I think these women are great but I don’t expect them to be my shoulder to cry on when I have a bad day at work. I have 2 friends who fill multiple of these categories, and that’s great, but its rare and it doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the other more limited friendships too.

So, this women is a “chat at kid party” friend for you. That’s ok. Enjoy it for that. If you don’t have higher expectations, you won’t feel disappointed.

8

Honestly, based on your description, you sound a little needy to me. This might be why she doesn’t reach out to you more. If you’re being really honest, are you a high maintenance friend? The fact that she didn’t “bother” getting together with you to rehash the death of her friend might be why she didn’t visit you when your sister died - she may appreciate space and privacy when dealing with difficult things and may prefer to give others the room she craves when they are grieving, too. You get upset that she’s not telling you other friends are there when it’s a group event? You sound like the jealous type. And not talking to you at her kids’ birthday parties? The last thing I have time to do at my kids’ parties is stand around and chat with someone!

I think it’s really odd that you want to end the friendship because it’s “not going anywhere.” Is there another level you wish to take it to? Where is it supposed to go? What’s wrong with just letting it be? Is there a hint in that you can’t seem to keep friendships? Are you pushing people away with neediness? I’m not saying this to be mean - I’m serious. Be honest with yourself - could you be difficult to be around because you’re trying too hard? Or for some other reason?

You don’t seem to be taking the hint she’s giving - I think it is she who wishes to end the friendship. I think if you back off a little you’d both be a little happier.

9

I think you want to be best friends, and she doesn’t. You want a “destination” for this relationship, and she wants something much more casual. You say you’re not offended when she has to cancel because sometimes you do too, but her cancellation habit has made your list of complaints - so it does bother you. It does seem to bother you that other people show up for events and you aren’t informed - you seem to want private time with her. But it’s not in the cards.

I wish you had said more about why your husband says it’s your fault. First of all, that’s not terribly supportive of him, but secondly, is there some trait or habit you have that is worth examining? He certainly could be more delicate, but if there is a habit that you have that drives people away, it might be worth your time to identify it and figure out why you continue with it if in fact it is creating problems.

I’m sorry about the death of your sister and of the friend of the other friend - but maybe she just doesn’t talk well about death, or maybe she reserves those conversations for someone who is very close. It sounds to me like she doesn’t seek out personal connections of conversations with you, just social things with the kids.

I don’t think you have to “end” this friendship - I think it’s just not the deep personal connection you seem to seek. It’s a casual relationship that involves the kids, and so you don’t need to do anything specific to change things, other than adjust your expectations.

But I do think you could benefit from a women’s support group or some counseling to address your feelings of loneliness. I don’t know whether your husband is contributing to this by criticizing you, or if he is stating what he is observing, but clearly there is something missing in your life. I don’t think you can HAVE a deep friendship until you can BE a great and close friend to someone. That means recognizing what they need and not just seeking what you need. For a lot of people, this is not a major personality flaw, just some moderate changes in language, behavior or expectations. An objective person like a counselor or support group leader can be really helpful in identifying those things and helping you!

10

It’s not like you guys are dating and need to break up. Just accept her as more of an acquaintance and if you can’t do that, just stop calling. She sounds like she wants to keep it casual.

Why does your husband think it is your fault?

11

Never cross oceans for anyone who will not step over a puddle for you.

I believe you need to take a long hard look at all of yor relationships. This so called friend is not a friend. A friend is someone who is there for you. A friend wants to spend time with you. A friend is supportive of your decisions.
You also need to look at your relationship with your hubby. Why is he blaming you? How is this your fault? Is this a common pattern for him? does he blame you when things go wrong? If you can answer yes to these questions then he is not a supportive friend and a spouse should also be a best friend.

12

It sounds like you have different expectations of this friendship. I don’t see that you need to end the friendship, rather you need to accept the friendship for what it is. Chances are the friendship will just kind of fizzle out on its own. Since I have had kids I have had many friendships that have come and go that were centered around kids. When my kids or the other kids start a new activity the kids and parents kind of just move on. We make new friends through each new stage/school/activity.

If you want to meet new friends join a book club, go to church or serve on parent council.

13

I think I’d think a little hard and a little long about why she seems to avoid you and your husband is blaming you. Sorry.

14

Good rule of thumb: if someone is brining more misery/angst/frustration to your life than happiness/understanding/support? Bye bye.
When the cons outweigh the pros…time to say sayonara!

15

Please consider giving this woman the benefit of the doubt. If you value her friendship – her company, interests she shares with you, her sense of humor, her personality – you might be able to see shades of gray in her actions and could be more forgiving and empathetic.

Some people are just group animals. If she “always” invites you and there are always other friends there, haven’t you figured out yet that she is one of those people who prefers a group? You seem to view it as an insult or as her not liking to be alone with you and your kids. You know by now that others are likely to be there; do you ask her, “Is this outing just you and me, or will other folks be there?” Just learn from your experience and ask. I know people like her – things aren’t fun to them unless they’re in a group. If you don’t like that but want to see her, alone, ask each time and only say yes to an occasional group outing. Then take initiative to ask her places and say clearly, “This is a chance for just you and me to get together. I’d love to see you alone to talk.”

Do you invite her to do things with you and the kids, or do you expect her to invite the kids–? Not clear to me. Does she herself have kids? If not, she may frankly feel awkward or overwhelmed by having kids around, or even may guiltily feel like she’s in your way because you need to be keeping an eye on the kids when she’s there taking up your time.

“When my sister died she didn’t call or visit me or anything.”

Yes, that’s not great, and it’s understandable it pained you. But a lot of people stick their heads in the sand when there is a death, even a death of someone a friend was very close to. The reason is not that they don’t care or they dislike you; the reason is those people “don’t know what to say” and fear that even expressing “I’m sorry” is going to come out wrong. It’s not an excuse but it is an explanation. Many of us can get out an “I’m sorry about X’s death” but there really are people who freeze up at that.

When her friend died, if you contacted her but she didn’t want to get together – she might have dreaded the idea of talking about something so painful to anyone, not just to you. Don’t take it personally. Can you understand that some people grieve that way and don’t reach out and don’t want to talk, even if the person asking to talk has the very best intentions? Not everyone grieves the same way. I suspect from the two mentions of deaths that you are puzzled by how she reacts to deaths and you have different expectations of what people should do when there’s a death. She may have a very different background and experience with this.

She hardly calls any more: Have you asked her why? When she doesn’t call back, do you leave her a message or send a card saying you haven’t heard from her and you are worried about her, concerned for her? If a friend didn’t call I’d be worried before I’d be mad. And honestly it does sound as if she has lots of other friends; maybe she’s simply very busy.

The birthday party complaint seemed to come from left field. Have you hosted a kids’ party? At her own kids’ parties she is the hostess and probably running around checking that all is well, games are going OK, kids are getting along, everyone has a drink, etc. Why be offended that the busy hostess is not making face time especially for you one on one? I was at a kids’ party yesterday. Should I be offended that the hostess was busy and didn’t talk to me beyond a few words here and there?

“Never invites me to her house.” She may be like me. My house is loved but small, and consequently overstuffed. I also have work and kid duties that mean there sometimes is literally one area of the couch that’s open for anyone to sit on. I try to keep up and we do have folks over but not as often as we’d like. So I meet friends at coffee shops or for walks (outdoors, or inside the malls when the weather’s bad). We mom friends don’t tend to go to each other’s houses but to escape together to some nice “third place” like that. Why do you need to go to her house? Does she have others over but not you, or does she just not have folks over? This might be a reflection of the idea that she prefers going places and meeting a group while you would prefer seeing her alone at her home or yours. You just have different tastes and preferences but it’s no reason to be offended with her.

“When I invite her places she cancels frequently. I sometimes have to cancel on some things, so I am not too offended by it.”

So why was this added to the list of her offenses?

16

I think you do need to find some activities and get involved. You don’t say how old your kids are, but are they gone during the day so you could do some things outside the home?

I would suggest some volunteering, or, as you suggested, a woman’s group. I don’t know what type of groups are in your area, but you do need to stretch your circle of friends.

I don’t know if you will find a single bestie, or just find a circle of acquaintances for you to do things with.

I wouldn’t necessarily give up on this friendship, but try to expand your circle to include others.

As you said in the SWH, she is a nurse and is very busy. She may have other thoughts about what a friendship entails than you do, and the two of you are on different wavelengths on that. She may be a person that likes to surround herself with several people at the same time, rather than having just one person to hand with.

Good luck!

17

You said she’s a nurse and very busy, also that she does this to other people…so that right there says it’s not you it’s just her way. You can choose to end the friendship or just accept it for what it is, get together with her every once in awhile but just know that she’s probably not the type of friend you can “count” on for anything serious. You can have different types of friends.

18

I’ve found it very hard to become close friends with women who have young kids. I have tons of “we have to get together, I miss you” friends, but at the end of the day, they are too busy.

If I was you, I’d cut her slack and not take any of this personally. Finding someone that moves into the close friend, friend for life, category is hard. I have one momma friend that has entered that place, and it was because we saw each other twice a week for 2 years. She of course moved. All of my close friends live far away.

I honestly have concluded that most friendships just fizzle. You need consistent contact, and most people aren’t willing or able to put in the time.

Join a book club. Pick up a hobby. All you can do it extend your circle of friends and hope that someone enters the very good friend realm. Those are the friends that feed you.

I also think many women don’t want close friends, they prefer lots of friends, if that makes sense. They have their mom, hubby and kids, and they don’t need a female to chat to. Some of us need female friends to just chat and chat and chat with. Best friends are rare. Just be patient and work on meeting new people. A new bestfriend will come.

19

It might just be the stage of life you are in. I am not a “big party social” type of gal. I have a few long term friends from way back, that we rarely see each other. Most of my current “friends” are more acquaintances than anything else. I’ve been caught up in my own family for years, and so have many other moms.

I don’t work, so I don’t have “office friends,” either. Husband and I have a few couples we go out to dinner with on occasion. Some are newer friends, some are old friends (of his) from high school. We are in our mid-40s, so that is going WAY back.

I honestly think it says more about where my family fits in my priorities structure than anything else. Personally, I don’t feel I am missing out on anything… I only feel that way when I start comparing my circle to other people’s circles… but I don’t LIKE being constantly on the go and going out and hosting stuff. It isn’t me.

It probably won’t be a popular response, but maybe you are too focused on this. If you focus on what you enjoy, you may meet some like-minded folks, that you can get to know. If you have family hobbies, look for other families who also share your enjoyment and go as groups to do whatever it is.

When the kids are out of the nest (the next 5 years or so for us), then I’ll have more time to “work” on growing friendships with women in similar situations. Right now, most women I see in my life are younger with much younger children, or older and retired and have no schedule to maintain.
shrug

20

If she’s just way less enthusiastic than you about one-on-one intense, meaningful time spent together, and there hasn’t been an actual offense or wrongdoing…I wouldn’t formally sever the tie. She’s probably this way with most people. Does she have some other best friend with whom she does all the things you would like her do?

The key to having more friends is being VERY FORGIVING, very happy and confident, and not expecting more from people than they offer. Of course if people are total jerks who never even try to be nice to you, then no. But whatever your needs are, you need to sort of assemble a team. Some people have that BFF who is their soul mate. And some people have sisters they are super tight with. But other people have lots of friends who each chip in a little bit.

My VERY BEST FRIEND of over 20 years? I almost never see or talk to. She’s in LA and I’m in central PA. We connect on the phone usually every month, but not always. We hung out in NY a few weeks ago and I hadn’t seen her in two years before that. I can go 3 months with no contact and then text her a random question and that’s not weird and vice versa…I have another close friend in NY I rarely see, and even though she’s sort of elusive and hard to reach…stays encapsulated in her family and the peers with kids in her kid’s classes…we are also very close long-term friends because I’ve never EXPECTED her to be constantly available. Likewise, I’m busy and have little socializing time. So by seeing different people rarely and messaging different people occasionally… I spend hardly ANY time with any ONE person…my closest local friend is a childless socialite and rarely do our schedules align. But we’re fine with that.

Don’t burn your bridges. Do find some other friends to fill in your time. Usually people complaining they don’t have enough friends are sort of waiting for people to treat them properly rather than getting out there, living life, being good to everyone, and not worrying about it. That BF will come along when you’re doing things that are important to you and someone else you meet along those lines who is similar will pop up. Don’t despair.

I’ve lived where I live for 8 years. I have no family here and i knew NO ONE when we moved here. I’m a single mom. It’s especially hard when people base a lot of activities on “couples” so I have to really get out there on my own and show I’m available for stuff… I have lots of friends!! I just stay busy, and be nice to whoever I meet…I follow up new friends on FB with messages and try to include them in invites and try to attend things semi-regularly even though I’m a hermit and I’m not in the mood…before you know it, you’ve got a busy little social calendar and even nice notes declining invites can lead to friendly exchanges and lunch dates. Just reach out and be interested in people.

I’m a painter and many of my friends I met through various art community gatherings…do you have any hobbies or interests that could lead you to a tribe?

btw MOST of the women I know, ESPECIALLY moms, are extremely busy and would not be available for more than you do with this friend of yours-including myself. My single friends have demanding jobs and are off jetsetting on vacations…the married moms have husbands and kids, the older moms have grandkids and long-postponed hobbies…women who need lots of BFF time are a rare breed into late adulthood unless you’ve known them since school age or past work relationships. New ones would be hard to forge…But they’re out there. Don’t despair. It would have to be someone doing a similar activity to you I would think though…

If I focused on each woman I knew, and thought about if she was adequately filling my idea of friendship, and ended friendships if I didn’t think each one was doing enough to be a good friend to me…I’d have no friends! You can’t look at it like that. You like her and you like her kids. Why would you formally “break up”. “Going nowhere?” ? It is already a friendship.