When dealing with my inlaws (or outlaws as I like to call them), I always try to take the high road. Not always easy, but it really is best in the end.
You do NOT have to justify your decisions to anyone. The best way to deal with these types of comments is to say very little (I'll keep that under advisement or that works for you, but we do what's best for us) and then change the subject. If the questions get too personal, you can always say, "Why would you ask me that?" or "We haven't decided" even though you've made up your mind.
These are tough decisions you have to make and even though you know that intellectually right now, this is as easy as they will get. When you actually have children and you have to deal with them as they come and realize the decisions you make could be right or could be wrong for them, then the criticism will drive you insane if you don't get a handle on it.
The advise you are getting is well meant.
We all are struggling with decisions and sometimes we stumble upon something that really worked in our situation. We take it too far in recommending it to others. Calling you selfish was mean spirited.
That's where the line should be drawn for your husband. If he is in earshot, that's where he should speak up. If he is not there or doesn't take that oportunitiy, that's where you stop the conversation and tell her she has gone too far. Name calling, not mature, not tolerated.
I had the opposite problem with my FIL. He thought I should keep working and we were set on me staying home with the kids. It's something so important that I told my H about before we were married. I ignored a lot of snide remarks. I didn't budge, but it wasn't easy. My kids are almost grown now and I would have regretted it if I raised them his way. They are not perfect but I am glad I did not bow to criticism. I did get to hear him brag on me from someone else one time about being such a good mother. He was a great grandpa on many points.
The point of that being, don't throw out the baby with the bath water. That is don't throw out the loving aunt with her unsolicited advice. You are going to need her someday. Bet on it. Be confident in your choices and you will have some good ones and a few bad ones. Be respectful with those who disagree. Graze in many fields but give your own milk...do your own processing of people's advice.
My MIL and my SIL (her daughter) said things like that to me all the time when I was pregnant (and when my kids were babies). If I never again hear my SIL say, "I didn't have kids so that someone else could raise them," it will be too soon!!! Obviously my husband's family has very strong opinions. That's fine, but I don't have to agree with them, and I don't have to feel bullied by them.
I would usually just smile and let them say what they needed to say. A few times I caved in and offered my thoughts. That didn't usually help or make anyone feel better. Most of the time we just didn't say anything. My husband and I discuss things and decide together what's best for our family.
Our kids are a little older (6 and almost 4), and his mom has backed off. She still gives her opinion about things, but not nearly as forcefully. She seems to have observed that we might not do everything they way she things she would have done it, but our kids are happy and healthy and doing just fine.
I think this is to just "smile and nod." It will definitely take some patience and self control, but hopefully after some time passes, they will begin to realize that you are the mom and you are going to raise your child the way that seems best to you.
You and your husband are capable adults who will make the best decision for you and your family and that's basically what you need to communicate to these folks with strong judgements. The stay-at-home mom vs the working mom is an on going debate. Both feel strongly in their choice. You will need to speak up for yourself otherwise they will next be telling you what to feed the baby. etc. Nip it in the bud right now if you want some level of peace.
If you and your husband are on the same page, that's already half the battle won.
I used to get comments and "helpful" suggestions from my MIL when I had my first and was a young mother. I learned something VERY QUICKLY: all I had to do was say "Hmm, interesting...I'll think about it." then continue doing whatever I wanted. To your SIL, say: "Hmm...I guess there are those that choose to stay home, but that's not the right choice for MY family", then just ignore her. Seriously, ignore her comments. If you have confidence in what you're doing and the choices you're making for your family, NOTHING they can say should put you on the defensive and NOTHING they do should sway you in your parenting decisions. Like I've said on here before, people can only bring you down if you let them.
Don't even bother "standing up" to them because you won't change their minds and you'll only seem like you're trying to justify your decisions. Simply say "I'll take that into consideration...I hadn't thought about that...interesting point of view...etc", then do things YOUR way. They'll eventually get the hint, like my MIL did...and now she comes to ME for advice!
As long as you and hubby agree, then who the heck cares what the rest of them think. I would just steer clear of any conversations regarding parenting/your child and let anything they say go without comment. It won't help to comment; you'll just get upset and stressed and for what? The decisions/choices are yours. Let them run their mouths and you and hubby do exactly what you want.
When they offer advice, just smile and nod. If you feel like you have to say something, say something like "Interesting" or "Worth considering" and leave it at that.
"You're making a lot of assumptions on how we're going to fail as parents when we don't even have a baby yet. Isn't that putting the cart before the horse? We'll figure things out and I'm sure we'll make great parents even if we don't do things the same way as you. Since it such a hot button topic for you, I'd rather we don't discuss this any more."
"Gee, Sister-in-Law, it sure sounds as if you don't think we should have children at all given how little you think of our ability to parent our imaginary children." ::eyeroll::
I honestly think that your husband ought to handle his family however he feels fit, with the exception that he should not ruin familial relationships. People say stupid things that they should keep in their heads... unfortunately they say everything they think now with thanks to Twitter and Facebook. There's no brain-to-mouth filter any more.
Have you watched Gordon Ramsey in "Kitchen Nightmares?"
I love watching that show because he doesn't take any crap off the people who ask him to help them out. It really encourages me to stay by my beliefs no matter what anybody else says.
I suggest that you go to a Co-Dependency Anonymous support group.
Check the web at: www.coda.org
Your husband can not fight your battles. They are yours.
He needs to support you when you set boundaries on your sil.
For example: If your sil calls you selfish, use the I statements:
I feel ...........what ever you feel when she says that.
when you tell me........................repeat what she says about you.
Tell her what you need:
I need for you to stop saying negative things to me.
Following that: Tell her she has a choice, she can stop belittling you
or you will have to avoid talking to her until she can change her way of speaking to you.
A reminder: People love to control others or try to control.
It makes them feel empowered.
Good luck.
Donna
I looked at it about the same as someone suggesting "you should....(fill in the blank with anything...cut your hair, color your hair, wear more/less make up, pierce your nose, loose weight, etc)". Being the smart ass I am, I usually turn it around on them. "What so I can look like you?" or "Oh, so I can be the perfect parent to perfect heathens like you" But the thing is, I always say it so sweetly and walk away that it takes them a few minutes to process what I just said. BUT on the other hand, I am the snarky, quick witted one that brutally honest with people, but they still love me.
Good luck because you are going to get it from everyone. For a long time, I avoided the mother in law for just this reason. I think she finally realized that she was missing out on the kids and quit being rude. SIL and I have always gotten along. My favorite are the random people in the grocery store. You are wrong no matter what you do in the public's eye. Do what is best for you and yours and screw the world!
the best way to deal with snarky people is to look them in the face and very loudly tell them, "DID I ASK FOR YOUR OPINION??"i had several people tell me that it would be better for my un born baby if i didnt work, to which i replied,"well, unless you plan on spending the next 18 years buying our groceries for us..i suggest you keep your opinions to yourself about whether i work or not, by the way, heres our grocery list for the week!!"when they backed away from me and my big belly without taking the grocery list, i responded, "WELL, WHOS BEING SELFISH NOW??!" i managed to shut up more then one person simply by confronting them with the same attitude that they confronted me with...dont be shy about dealing with your husbands family, it will only get worse if you do
karin h.