I am expecting my first child and have already faced substantial criticism from my in-laws regarding future parenting decisions that have not even been made yet. In particular, my sister in law has called me selfish and suggested that I don't care enough about my future child since I likely plan on working, rather than being a full-time stay at home mom. These comments would be inappropriate no matter when they occurred; however, given that the baby has not yet been born, I get the impression that I will be in for a rocky road ahead full of unsolicited advise and criticism even though my husband and I are and will continue to make informed decisions that will be best for our entire family, including our future children. Given that my sister in law feels justified in openly criticizing me, what can I do to maintain my sanity? My husband has agreed that next time (since there will definitely be a next time), he will stand up to his sister and, if necessary, other family members. How much should I let him handle his relatives in this situation versus how much should I stand up for myself? Will it ever be appropriate for me to tell directly tell in-laws to "Can it?" or is that a job that should be left to my husband?
To all the moms out there: I am already coming to appreciate how difficult it is to make the tough decisions as a mother in the face of such overt, mean spirited, unsolicited advise. Are there any books out there that you know of that may be particularly insightful about managing criticism as a parent?
I don't know of any books just on handling criticism but I would either ignore it or say this is what my husband and I are doing for our family. I was a stay at home mother and most thought I should be working so you get it from both sides. It's just not the other family members decision and they can state their opinion but they never seem to just do that, it goes farther than that to judgmental opinions. I would just ignore it and do what you and your husband feel is best for your child.
I understand your frustration! I would let your husband handle it first, as it is his family. If it still continues after he speaks to his relatives, that's when I would say you are free to politely step in. I would not say "can it", in such terms, but I would firmly tell them that this is your child, and you are going to make the decisions that you feel are best, and you don't appreciate rude comments being made about it. If neither you nor your husband are able to make them stop, maybe you just shouldn't be around them. Let your husband take the baby to see the grandparents if you don't feel comfortable there. If he doesn't feel comfortable there either, whenever you feel comfortable allowing the baby out of your sight for a few hours let grandma watch the baby for an afternoon. If your in laws are talking bad about you even with your child present, maybe you simply have to stop all visits until they can be respectful. I don't like cutting off family members, but sometimes you simply have to remove yourself from an unhealthy environment, and sadly, family can sometimes create that environment.
Let him handle his relatives completely. You are pregnant, hormonal, and don't need to deal with this crap. You can stand for yourself when you need to, but his job is to support and protect you so let him do that. Your husband can tell them to can it. I think another mom on here suggested the phrase "Thank you for your input", and then you just go about your business. The offender thinks you've listened, and you've ignored them "nicely".
You are going to face a LOT of criticism as a parent. Period. It sucks, but there will always, always be someone who thinks that they know what is best and you do not. The best defense that I have found is to say "this is what is working for us right now. At some point, we may need to reconsider, but for right now, we're good. Thank you for your thoughts."
All you have to do is bounce around on here for a while to see that there are many sides to EVERY parenting argument. People have their pet issues- some think that a working mom is basically an abusive mom. Some think that a stay at home mom is a lazy leech. Some think formula is the devil's work and some think anyone who doesn't breastfeed their 7 year old should be prosecuted for neglect. But the vast majority of moms are just trying their best to take care of their kids, to raise them as happy, healthy, productive members of society. The internet brings out the judgmental because we are all trying to express the reasons behind our choices. Your family member may be offering well-intended advice. She may also be butting in where she is not welcome. I would absolutely NOT start a giant war right now. Frankly, you don't know right now what kind of parent you will be. I am still figuring that out as a mom of 2, with the oldest being 5. Try to nod and smile then just make your own choices to the best of your ability. Maybe she will chill out when she sees how great your kid is turning out compared to her own ill-mannered hellions :)
A united front between you and your husband is the way to curb the unsolicited advice. I can see your point about letting your husband speak up since it is his family, but you should find a diplomatic way to reply when your husband won't be around. Good luck
You will face criticism from everyone, whether people say it to your face or not. Even on this website! Now is a good time to learn to tell people, including your in-laws to Can-it! Honestly, most days I don't even bother responding because most mom's believe their way is the best way and nothing you say will change their mind. I usually just say "mmhmmm" and try to change the subject quickly. Do your best to steer clear on the following 'hot' topics: stay-at-home vs working mom (which you've already found), breast vs bottle, cry-it-out vs attachment parenting, to spank or not to spank, disposables vs cloth diapers. Just read up, make an informed decision that sits right with you, and don't worry what the other 'well-meaning' mothers tell you! (And it's ok that those decisions change once baby gets here, as they often do!)
I've never been one to take crap from anybody about anything, and parenting decisions are no different. In an effort to maintain the peace, however, on occasion I've borrowed my mom's trick whenever someone says something wildly inappropriate/offensive: I look at them with my eyebrows raised, mouth slightly open as if I'm just about to say something... leave the expression there for a long second... and then snap my mouth shut and say something completely off topic, such as, "Rainy weather today, isn't it?" Followed by a sugary smile.
If that doesn't work, and they keep bugging me, "Oh, yes, I can see that that is the BEST advice. That's EXACTLY what I'm going to do. Thanks SO much for your advice!" Followed by the same sugary smile - always works. Either they begin to understand that they need to STFU, or they're dumb enough to think that I'm going to take their cockamamie advice.
Your SIL sounds like a piece of work. If she can't contain her nasty comments, you might have to get nasty right back to her. But for now, let your husband get into it with her. He has more practice (siblings always do) and will know just what buttons to push for maximum effect. ;)
You stick to what is best for you, your child and your family. Congrats on your pregnancy. As for the comments when the say something you say : Thanks for your opinion, and thats just what it is----but WE have decided to do XXX for our family and that is what works for us.
If they continue to badger you--you say : I thought we made it clear the last time, but we have decided to do XXXXX and this is what works for our family. I am sorry you don't support our decisions.
When you are ready to pay for my child's college, our house, and all of our expenses---then your opinion will hold more than a grain of SALT. :) Then smile and walk away.
Let your husband do the most and if they get in your face--you let them have it.
My former MIL was the world expert on EVERYTHING and my ex-husband agreed. So I had to listen to a barage of unsolicited advice, he also had 3 older sisters, but I was the first one to have a child. If I thought the info was helpful I incorporated into my routine if not I ignored them.
I didn't have that in my family, but Rebecca, if I had, I would have looked at her and said, "I don't measure love the way you do. If you want to think that all working mothers are selfish, then you shouldn't take your kids to any women doctors or any doctors' offices with women nurses. You shouldn't let any women teachers with children teach your children. You should make sure that any woman who works FOR your husband not have children either. Unless you are willing to do that, you need to keep quiet about my choice to work after I have kids."
I've pretty much said that on this site for several years every time there is a sort of discussion where someone here voices the kind of opinion that your SIL has. (And yes, we've had threads like that.)
My recommendation is that you hit hard and fast and then change the subject. Never be apologetic. However, NEVER push your views about the benefits of being a working mom on them. Two wrongs don't make a right.
The only person being selfish is the person who tries to justify their own position by downing someone else.
We all make decisions in our lives. Everyone has an opinion, some people voice it others don't.
Feel solid in your decison for YOUR family. Smile and say.. sorry you feel that way. When people have a differnt opnion.
My MIL HATED the fact that I nursed both my kids, we never bought one drop of formula. She was upset because she tried but couldn't. My decision to nurse my kids was mine and my husbands.. you have people who bottle fed, feel guilty and take it out on you. You have a mom who has decided that she does not want to bottle feed, then you get a mom who nursed, and give them a guilt trip. My point is any decision you make for you and your family is just that.
There are pros and cons of most decisions. Just feel solid in you decision.
Weather or not you work, does not make you a great mom or not. I know a SAHM who sucks, I know working moms who are awesome ( I know SHAM that are awesome, and working moms that suck).. We all work, or don't for differnt reasons.
I know, it's crazy how much you feel judged by other people as a parent...if you work or do not, what you are feeding them, how they are behaving. It never ends. I think the answer is to just blow off those kinds of comments and develop a thick skin. Be confident in yourself and ignore what others say. I have been staying at home for the last 3 years and I feel awfully judged for doing so by all my friends and family member who work and have careers. I plan on going back to work, but it's funny...I can't tell how much of this decision is based on what I really want and what other's expectations are. I was just thinking about this last night....if I could get rid of all the people out there what is it that I think is best.
If it were me. Because I do not have any kind of filter when someone is being critical with me without even asking for an opinion. I would just look her in her good eye and tell her 'When I want your adivice, I will ask for it. If I do not ask for it , keep it to yourself" said with a smile.
I think your first step is understanding that the comments are not mean spirited, they are said with concern. The concern may be misplaced but it is given with love.
I have heard some really crazy advice over the years but I have never taken that as criticism. That is the key to managing everything.
So stop looking at it as criticism and look at it as advise to take or leave.
I agree that you should first recognize that they are not coming from a place of malice. They genuinely think that they are telling you the RIGHT things to do. They just don't necessarily realize that they shouldn't do it in quite that way. What I did was allow it to be a discussion, if it's something I cared to discuss.
"You think so? Well, I might look into that. So far, I've been thinking along these lines, so thanks for that perspective." And then change the subject. If they mention something that you've already decided against, and you don't mind sharing, then you can tell them, "We considered that and decided to do this instead."