Chore wars with hubby

Family & Parenting Marriage & Relationships
1

Last night hubby and I got into our usual fight. How we get into it is always silly, and involves him thinking I am being overly controlling and critical where the kids are concerned (last night I I literally just told him that the piece of scallop he gave to our 2 year old needed to be cut up).

Here’s the heart of it: he doesn’t think I appreciate what he does, and I don’t think he appreciates what I do. Last night he alluded to how easy my life is many, many times (I’m a SAHM, with a 4 and 2 year old). He criticizes my organizational abilities, complains about nights when he comes home for dinner and he has to help cook(I am a vegetarian, so I do leave him meat to cook sometimes), and believes my life in general to be easy. He even called me a princess last night.

Now, I never list out my criticisms of him, or when I do have an issue, we sit down and I try to discus it with him. My husband has this tendency to let things build up and then he just kind of blows,. He blew last night because we were at friends the night before and the woman was talking about being invited on a women’s retreat. Hubby thought she and I were having a pity party discussing about how hard our lives where. In all honestly, I thought my friend was nuts to be even thinking about going on this retreat, and I would never go, but hubby took her desire to do it as an indication that I feel the way she does. My friend was feeling badly about being a mom, she has a 12 month old that still isn’t sleeping, and a 4, 6 and 8 year old. All very loud and rough boys. She has been in the thick of it for the last year, and she (and her husband) are both ready to come up for air.

In any case, I cannot keep having this fight with my hubby. I know he will never get how hard my job is. It is 24-7. While going to a paid job isn’t a holiday, it is at least a change of scenery. And he truly believes that since I decided to stay home, this is my life, end of story. The house/kids is my realm, so deal with it. I also know I will never understand how hard it is to have the pressure of earning all the money. He does help out around here sometimes, and is great with helping put the kids to bed, etc. but it would be nice if he put his breakfast dishes in the dishwasher, or put his beer bottles in the recycling…or even stopped leaving his dirty clothes on the floor.

My question: how do I get my husband to feel like I do appreciate what he does? I kept asking him last night why he doesn’t think I appreciate what he does and he couldn’t give me a straight answers. My friends are envious of my housekeeping abilities (i’m usually ‘drop in’ ready, I make everything from scratch, including pasta and bread, I do 90% of the yard work, and we have a veggie garden and 3 season flower beds all around the house and yard, etc.) And I even give my hubby the occasional BJ. I do my job well, very well. And while I do complain occasionally, for the most part I love my life.

So ladies, how do I water my man so he feels appreciated?

Btw, me staying home was a joint decision. He would have it no other way. I am also very low maintenance (4 hair cuts a year, no nails, 1 pair of shoe for each season)… The one thing that does annoy him is that he is paying off my student loan. I coupon, though, and am a great financial planner, in fact that is my job too.

2

Okay -this is all too common for SAHMs. I was one for several years, and my husband was pretty good, but he liked to drop nasty little statements about how "easy" I had it whenever we argued. I have some VERY specific advice for you, and it WILL work. If it doesn't, you two need to go to couples' counseling, which may be a good idea anyway if he blows up when you try to implement the following. His main problem is that he does not see child-raising and housekeeping as an actual job that requires A LOT of 24/7 work.

SO:

First of all, tell him you want to sit down when the kids are in bed, at grandma's -whatever -and make a list or two. Tell him up front that YOU really appreciate him going to work every day and providing for all of you financially. Let him know that you're proud to have him as a husband, and that his strength and (hopefully) success at his career is something you take pride in. Let him know he should also take pride in the fact that he has a great wife who is a great mother to his children!

List what you do on a daily/weekly basis. Google the $$ that they come out with every few years that the average "housewife" would be paid if she was doing the same job for a salary. It's well over $100K! Let him know that while you certainly don't mind doing most of the "home" stuff and "kid" stuff -he lives there and fathered those children. You are not a nanny. You ALL are a family! He can pick up his clothes and put his garbage away like a big boy.

Get a dry-erase calendar to display in a prominent place. Make sure it has room for notes or a list. Make a list of those chores and who is responsible for what during a given week. Before anyone does ANYTHING on the weekends -they have to be taken care of. Your list will be bigger, so that should make him happy. Remind him -if you worked outside the home -it would be 50-50 ALL THE WAY (I went back to work, and you bet your butt it is at my house -it was an amusing wake up call for my husband).

Remind him that you're a vegetarian. He knows this and has most likely known it for years unless it's brand new for you. If he wants to eat vegetarian meals -great -no cooking on his part. If he wants meat -he cooks it. No argument -just the way it is. Remind him again that if you worked outside the home HALF of the week's meals would be his responsibility no matter how tired he was when coming home from work.

Finally -go off on some weekend days FOR THE WHOLE DAY. Get some girlfriends together and go away for the weekend. Your husband is in DESPERATE need of a wake up call and just what it takes to cook, clean and deal with two small children the entire time you're doing it.

You also say your staying at home was a "joint decision" but that he would have it no other way. Really? Was it your decision too? What's that student loan for? If you're happy at home -that's awesome -but you have the right to go back to work if you want, and if he won't also APPRECIATE you and what you do -then maybe you should. You want to know how to make him feel appreciated, but he doesn't seem to care about making YOU feel that way too. It IS a two way street -so talk up his work like I mentioned before, but let him know specifically that you need to feel appreciate too. This isn't just your "lot in life" -you're doing a very important job here.

Let him know that saying things about you being a "princess" and making fun of you for your complaints is degrading and demeaning. Tell him "princesses" have nannies and housekeepers and servants galore. They travel and shop all the time and are adorned in jewels and couture clothing. Is that you? I don't think so. That comment would have infuriated me quite honestly, and I probably would have told him that the day I would be a princess is the day I found a prince. Not really helpful, but it seems he gets away with a lot...

3

First, after he calls you a princess say You're damn right and you married me.

I get that too and I tell mine "Yes indeed I am and so are they, (our two girls.). So you better reevaluate how a princess is treated."

Bills you had before you got married are now his responsibilty. He married you while you had them then he agreed to pay them down, especially if he was part of the decision for you to stay home.

We are taking a class at church on the 5 Love Languages. Get the book and both of you read it.

If he is words of affirmation
Tell him how you feel in "I" talk.

I feel that you are calling me lazy when..........
I like it when you ................
Wow thanks for taking the trash out.

Or if he is a Acts of service guy then cook his meat once in a while.

If he is a physical touch, that's easy, more hands on
If he's a gift, gift him with things. My son is a gift and is always bringing me sticks and weeds from the yard.

If he is a quality time person, then spend time where you listen to him.

But it sounds like he is a Words of Affirmation. "Tell me how wonderful I am and how much you love me"

I am a Quality Time and Words person. The book has already helped us, My husband has been trying to notice the little things I do and he is spending time with ME and not work, or the tractor, the boat, the Boy Scouts, etc. He actually went to the garden shop with me this weekend.

He is a touch and gift. Touch is hard for me but I am trying to be more affectionate.

Good luck. All is not lost.

4

In my honest opinion men will never ever understand what it is like to be a SAHM unless you both traded places....you should try gettting him to do your job one weekend and see how well that turns out...and the same vice versa...i would just try not letting it get to me when he makes comments like ur being a princess etc...sounds to me like you are doing a good job both as a mother and wife so just enjoy the good times...life is too short to dwell on things we cant change....good luck!! :)

5

John Gottman, The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work. Your husband cannot argue with this man: he's a man, and everything in his book is based on the science of observing thousands of couples. I would strongly recommend this for you and your husband.

BTW, I had to laugh when I read, "I even give my hubby the occasional BJ." Sounds like you've got everything in balance! :)

6

I second the suggestion that you both read "The 5 Love Languages." My husband and I go through times where we both feel unappreciated. My husband tells me 100 times a day that he loves me...but if he leaves his dirty clothes on the floor all the time, I feel like he doesn't value my time enough to do "one little thing." On the other hand, I feel like because I work too, the fact that I straighten up the house, take the lead on childcare, pay bills, he should KNOW that I appreciate him, but if I don't tell him I love him, he feels unappreciated. See how that works (or rather, doesn't work)?

If you want your husband to feel appreciated, find his love language. He may not be able to verbalize it, but you'll be able to figure it out once you start looking for it/trying to find it! Similarly, verbalize YOUR need to feel appreciated. "Honey, I really appreciate that you do XYZ to show your love/apprecation for me. But when you do ABC, it REALLY makes me feel like you love/appreciate me." Of course, it helps if he's read the book too :)

And with the kids, let him "have it his way" every once in a while. If I tell my husband how I do things, he takes it as criticism that his way isn't good enough. Tell him you're glad he's helping out...and let him do it his way (so long as it's not dangerous to your kids!).

7

He needs to contribute, if not hire help.

8

Thanks ladies! I h ad forgotten about the 5 love languages. I read it when we first married, but I haven’t been telling my husband that I appreciate him as much as I should. He likes to hear it.

I will check out Gottman’s book. One can never read too many good books :wink: I loved his book on why Marriages succeed or Fail. I also own his Raising Emotionally Intelligent children book. Smart guy.