I guess I just don’t understand the audacity of your daughter’s fiance’s issue. Sometimes life isn’t fair. It is his job to manage this with his children, not yours.
Especially given the recent health crisis both you and your husband are going through. I would think a normal response from someone who cares about you would be about your long term welfare and care, helping reduce stress and maximizing time spent together, not about who you are willing money to.
At least that was my attitude when my parents fell ill. I am responsible for the present and future financial care of my children, and no one else. My parents did leave them money in their will and it is thought of as a gracious gift, not a right.
But I don’t think his attitude is your problem. It is your daughter’s. She needs to have a conversation with him about how inappropriate his demand is and shut that down. I think your daughter needs to have a conversation with him about family expectations. They need to have very clear expectations about how their blended family is going to function.
As far as the pictures…families change. We cannot predict when or how or really which person will be the most significant in our lives. But to have a picture of someone who was…well I guess is priceless… Given that I think it is fine to have several ‘groups’ of family pictures. Please make sure they get copies of the ones they are in.
Years from now, they may look at it and reflect back on the kindness and inclusivity you showed them, and reference how to be the ‘bigger’ person.
I would do all the grandchildren together. I would do families together. Then the grand children, ALL of them, TOGETHER. then a whole family. As this IS your family right now. If they break up? You can’t just erase it and say it didn’t happen. Those children will remember those they call brother or sister. Don’t take that away from him.
Now to your daughter’s BOYFRIEND?? No. NOT your responsibility. They have, presumably, two other sets of grandparents who can do this for them. Even if they marry and stay together? It’s NOT your responsibility to contribute to their college. It’s nice. But NOT your responsibility. For him to insinuate it is?? I would tell him to buzz off.
I would then talk with my daughter and ask her, does he always keeps score and tabs on what others are doing? Does he EVER CHECK HIMSELF??? She doesn’t need a husband who keeps score.
Pictures first…my kids are step-grand kids and every Thanksgiving there is a professional photographer that comes and takes pictures of all of my stepmother’s biological grand-kids. The whole group of them (there are 10) and each sub-set from each of her kids in smaller groups 4, 3, 2, and 1. My kids are never asked to be in the photos and I have never been asked if I might like to chip in and even have just my 2 kids done for my own photos to be purchased by myself. Even the parents are in one and both my dad and step-mom are in some of them.
Then for Christmas special calendars are made for the family with the Thanksgiving photos. I am not given a calendar, nor would I want one.
My dad and my step-mom have been married 12 years and are the types of pretty hard core no divorce religious types. And honestly I have never understood why my kids couldn’t be in just one group shot and one of the two of them. But after the first few years I just figured they only want “their family”. shrug (I will admit it has taken a few years to get over the sting of it all.) Oh, my mom is deceased so no having to split time with her.
Take what you want from my prospective, it is what it is…
As far as money goes…I have NO IDEA how my dad and step-mom spend, save, or anything with THEIR money. I feel so icky that your daughter’s boyfriend even knows about accounts for grand kids much less expects them for his own kids.
Sending you a hug for trying to take everyone’s feelings into account. You are much nicer than most!!
He’s upset that you aren’t making a lifelong commitment to his kids when he hasn’t yet made a lifelong commitment to your daughter. So, IMO, he’s being a bit hypocritical.
As long as you are being inclusive for all the daily stuff that kids notice: affection, holiday and birthday gifts, etc, I think that your decisions are fine. That “bio grands only” pic can stay in a drawer for now, and if they stay together forever, then it can remain in the drawer forever. But if not - you have it.
This may seem like I’m being a pessimist, but my POV is that life is messy, and it will only take 2 min for the photographer to take another pic. Do it.
I have been wanting to answer but have not had time to yet.
I totally get what you are staying about the savings account not wanting to open one for them at least not till your daughter is actually married to this man. As for the pictures I think they should be included. Even if for some reason they don’t last these girls will still be half sisters with your daughters 1 year old.
I had my son before I met my husband and he has adopted my son. If his mom would have not wanted to do the pictures with the grand kids without him honestly my other son (her bio grandson) would not have been in the picture either. This of how you would feel if your family didn’t accept your adopted children (As I believe you have a few that are adopted) that would probably not go over well with you. It sounds like you do your best to make them feel included when they are there though with is great!
I think you are getting too much information. Did your daughter tell you how he felt or did he tell you how he felt about the college savings accounts? I don’t think you should be bothered with these feelings. His girls from another mother are different. They have another mother and her parents (their maternal grandparents) along with his parents to give them or not give them college funds. I do not know their background and if they get cars from their maternal grandparents and your bio grandkids do not that is not unfair or fair, it’s just life.
Photos are easy these days to have extras. The photographer should have a diplomatic way of announcing the poses that help you get the photos you want or just enjoy the adorable girls in the photos regardless of it working out long term. They are still your grandson’s sisters.
I think you have enough good advice for the college savings question so I’m just chiming in about the photos.
Do what you want about the photos but don’t ever tell anyone why people are excluded from family photos. Just ask your photographer to handle the different groupings, and I would take photos of just his kids and just your daughter’s kids, so you can send prints to their other parents. Then you’ll have all the groupings you want AND you’re being thoughtful about the other families. But you’ve probably missed the chance to handle this gracefully if he’s already complaining about it. Live and learn, right?
We excluded my brother-in-law’s girlfriend from some of our wedding photos because we knew she wouldn’t be around long (he cheated on his first wife with this woman, who was almost 20 years older than him), but we simply rolled that fact it into a series of photos we took with multiple family members. It wasn’t obvious and we told no one other than the photographer we were doing it e.g. just the bride and groom with cousins, just the groom with his brother, etc. Actually, we didn’t really even tell the photographer, we just gave him a list of the groupings we wanted and he corralled everyone.
Turns out that they were actually married at the time (but hiding this from the family) and they divorced not even a year later so my BIL is actually thrilled that the wedding photos now on his parent’s mantel don’t include her (they did display the photo that included her on the mantel while they were together). He is since remarried to a third wife (this guy’s a keeper but we haven’t taken a new group family photo yet. I guess his parents are waiting to make sure this one sticks around, LOL!
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How he found out about the accounts was when their now one year old was born, I set up his account and by accident, I misspelled part of his name. I was telling my daughter about my stupid mistake and he overheard and that is when he realized that I had accounts for my bio grandkids and not his two girls (well, he deduced it when he realized that I never asked him for the information that is needed to set them up). I don’t know that he is really trying to be a brat about it - I think he is more worried about people he loves very much being treated differently is all. At least that is how I would like to believe he feels about it
**@JB - great advice and I love that you think about that kind of stuff. I did do exactly what you are talking about when I set them up
but we haven’t taken a new group family photo yet. I guess his parents are waiting to make sure this one sticks around, LOL!