Blended family - from the Grandma side *SWH

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1

As you know, we have 6 children, all adults now. One of our daughters married in her 20's, had a baby, and then they divorced when the baby was quite young (less than a year old). That child is now nearly 6. That same daughter met a man about 2 years after her divorce who had two children. Then, together they have a baby, who is a year old. So, two children (the one from her 1st marriage and the one from her current relationship) are "biological" grandchildren and two are grandchildren of the heart. For the most part, I do everything for all 4 kids the same. There are a few differences, I'm sure - just as I'm sure that the grandma of the other two grandchildren do most the same and then a few differences. For example, I've taken my two bio grandchildren overnight, but not all 4 kiddos (but also they are not home when I take the 2 bios and their mother wouldn't let me take them like that anyways).

My daughter feels like I am very fair in how I treat them all - they all call me Mimi and when I visit, they all sit on my lap, get hugs, kisses, etc. I never bring prizies for bios only - what I bring for one, I bring for all. My daughter's fiance (whom I like) feels that sometimes things are not fair and there are several areas that have come up.

  1. When my grandchildren are each born, I open a college savings account for them and deposit money in it monthly. It is a way for my husband and I to plan their graduation gift (we will give them the account) in advance. With 6 kids, who know how many grandkids we could ultimately have or what our financial situation will be in years to come. It seems like a fair way to handle grad gifts and take some financial burden off by spreading it over the years. I have not started a college account for the other two girls. My daughter isn't married to him and they themselves keep their finances separate - but he has complained that I haven't taken this step with his girls. I think that when they get married I would - the account might not be as high when they graduate as the others, but they would also be getting a gift from their own bio grandparents.

  2. I'd like to get do professional photos with all of my grandkids (I have another grandbaby from one of our other daughters). My plan was to do some with everyone, and some with bio grandkids only. I guess my thinking was that if something happened with my daughter and her fiance, would I want only pictures that included them 15 years from now when I could easily have two sets done? I get that it seems a little fatalistic for lack of a better word, but they aren't married and no one knows what the future holds.

The 2 girls are sweet as pie and I care for both of them. I don't know them terribly well because there is a fair amount of distance between our homes and when I do go to visit, often they are not there (at their mom's), because the dad only has them every other weekend and one or two nights a week.

This is all new to me and I really would like to have everyone feel loved and included and special. I'm just not always sure how to do that - especially when their dad complains about things like the college account.

Thanks for any help with navigating this!

2

the college accounts? No freaking way. MAYBE when they get married? but no. not only NO BUT FREAKING HELL NO. He’s being unreasonable with that.

I think you’re doing just fine.

Have a sit down with your daughter’s boyfriend and tell him that it is YOUR prerogative on who you give money to and who you set aside money for. They aren’t your grandchildren YET - yet you include them in your life. But that doesn’t mean you must include them in the money. Sorry. Not your place.

With the pictures? I’d do all together and family. Period. End of story.

3

As you know, I’m a mom in a blended family. I think you have a valid point on the first item - and that saying that when they are married, you’ll open accounts is totally reasonable and fair.

For the second, I think that would be hurtful and unnecessary. If things don’t work out, your daughter’s children are still going to have memories of these other kids in their lives and one will be still related to those two half-siblings, so it’s really splitting hairs. Treat them all as family for the photos. With cameras on just about every phone now, you can probably get some photos of just the bio grandkids if you want anyway when they’re at their mom’s house so it’s not like you’ll be completely devoid of photos of them but to divvy them up with a professional is not subtle.

I think it’s fine to not dive into long term financial commitments given that they’re not married but when they make that commitment to each other and time passes, all the kids will be family and it’s really a good thing to not differentiate among the kids. As you know, my (now ex) husband and I each had a child when we met and then had two children together. The two oldest kids were each a step child and grandchild. Both families were really wonderful at treating all four kids the same - same for birthdays, holidays, sleepovers, vacations, etc. It was a little easier for us because the kids’ other biological parents were out of the picture and couldn’t pull any nonsense about what they were and weren’t allowed to do with the rest of the family. I’m honestly not sure what my ex-in-laws have done for college savings, but I know they are contributing a lot to my step-daughter’s education and offered repeatedly to help with my son (their step-grandchild) if he wanted to go to school (he chose the workforce instead). That happened even after their son and I divorced and they emphasized that we’re still family and my son is still their grandson. My parents have done the same when giving extra-generous gifts like vacations - we just did a big family vacation that the older kids couldn’t join due to school and work and my parents gave both of them checks to cover what they would have spent if they had come.

I know you didn’t ask, but check with a financial advisor on the college savings thing. If you give a child an account at graduation that is intended to help pay for college, under current rules, it counts as the asset of the student and can greatly reduce their eligibility for financial aid. There are specific ways to gift money for college that protect the student (and can provide tax benefits for you and your spouse).

4

He’s out of line.
If he’s in over his head in supporting 3 kids (does he include your daughters 1st child in his finances?) then he’s really needing a vasectomy very badly
But I suppose you can’t be saying that out loud.

When he takes responsibility for all 4 children then so will you.
He needs to put up or shut up.
When it gets right down to it - you didn’t get any of these people pregnant - and you are over the top generous and thoughtful for helping as far as you do.
Their reproductive choices - and their consequences - well, lack of family planning on their part does not make an emergency on your part.

Fund your retirement first - take a few really good vacations - you work your behind off earning this money so be sure to spend some of it on yourself.
Next time potential son in law opens his mouth laugh a little and tell him he’s funny.

As for the pictures take lots of them in little groups, and one whole picture together.
It’s a moment in time - and no matter what happens 15 years from now - right now this is what your family looks like.

5

Here is an example - in our family (my husband’s side).

There’s our family - stable family and our kids are their grandchildren. Then there’s his sibling who has yet to have a non-toxic, dysfunctional relationship. Every time, they try to wrangle their way into his family’s finances and get them to support their children (not his). Currently, the fiancé’s children are being supported by them and I suspect they are changing their will. We expect this relationship (like all others) won’t last. Then what happens? You can’t change the will to not include the kids … well, they won’t feel they can. They wouldn’t feel that is right.

I’m not saying your daughter’s fiancé is a jerk … ahem… (although I think his comments are totally uncalled for), but I don’t think his kids really are part of your financial responsibility. What you do with your money is your concern - not his. Their future is his concern, and his first wife’s.

As for pictures, if it’s going to be hurtful - I wouldn’t be obvious or let the parents know. I think you could take some photos with you and the kids just for your own purposes. Have a friend take some in a nice setting some day you have them over.

I say this, because I have a friend who didn’t do this, and when the second marriage split up, her kids (now grown) regret not having any pics of just them (bio kids) without their step-sibs in them. They are not close now as adults. Once their parents split up - they stopped being in contact after a few years. They wished they had more photos of their childhood and family just on their own.

We had family photos taken as one big group (different settings but all one group) and one couple split up. I had suggested we break off into families, or without spouses, etc. and the head person wasn’t interested. Well, that photo isn’t useable now because it’s upsetting to the person who was dumped. Out of respect, no one uses it. We get a family photo once every 5-10 years when the family is all home.

I am ok with photos with different groups. I don’t think it has to be obvious or hurtful. You don’t have to say that things might not work out or that you just want the bio grandkids. Just have an opportunity to be in a lovely setting where you’re together even with your daughter - and have someone take one. Plenty of people do that anyways.

ETA - My friends who have blended families, always take one or two with their ‘bio’ kids. I’m just thinking now of Facebook. They usually post the whole slew of them - and there’s always a couple with just the parent and their children. It’s usually less ‘formal’ - hugging tight or something. I’ve not seen it done with grandparents … but there must be a way to do this. Maybe it would be more obvious, as the other set (step kids) wouldn’t have other set of grandparents there to go off and do their pics with.

So perhaps do as I suggest, and take on another day - and do casually (so not super formal) to make less apparent.

6

Your daughter’s fiancé is out of line and has a lot of nerve to even suggest you open college funds for his girls especially since your daughter is not even married to this guy. Even if they were married, who is he to say how you should spend your money and who you should give what gifts to. Just wow!!!

Just wondering if he plans to co-mingle his funds once he is married to your daughter. Smh.

7

I think he’s completely out of line and you are very generous to consider setting up accounts later. If your daughter is happy with how you’re treating all the kids, I would be tempted to disregard anything he has to say. You are under no obligation to set up accounts for his kids, (or your bios for that matter) and it’s COMPLETELY none of his business period.

My parents set up an IRA’s a long time ago when each grandchild was born and contributed to them annually. My sister had 2, brother had 3, and I had none at the time. When my dad saw that I may never have kids he told my mom it wasn’t fair to me to be contributing to the grandkids when I didn’t have any. They decided to move those IRA’s and have it be part of the inheritance of their 3 kids. His thoughts were we brought 3 kids into the world and what we leave will be divided among them equally. What they choose to do with it is their business.

Since then I finally did have kids. But they chose instead to purchase each grandkid’s books through their college experience. The one that chose a trade school instead was given a check that was an average of what they spent on books for the others.

I only share this so you know there’s more than one way to look at it. Again, I think you’re very generous. Make sure you enjoy the fruits of your labor and sacrifice then decide what you want to do. It’s nobody else’s business.

8

I think you’re being incredible. I think the boyfriend is being very pushy. I don’t know why he’s even aware of any accounts and any financial dealings on your part, especially if his money is separate from your daughter’s. Maybe he’s being greedy, maybe he’s just searching for acceptance of his children and wanting them to be equally loved. It sounds like you do all of that. Maybe he’s competing with their mother’s side of the family. I don’t know. Is he trying to show his ex that he’s such a great father and is giving these girls a big family with grandparents and so on? If he’s insecure, that’s one thing. If it’s a power play and a ploy for custody or something, that’s something else again.

I would stop all discussion of these college funds, and ask your children to not discuss them with anyone. It’s not a way to measure anyone’s affection and maybe he misunderstands how the accounts are intended. If you want to invest in some savings bonds for those 2 children, put them in their name and also your daughter’s name with her SS number so she can cash them if this relationship goes south. But put them in your safety deposit box so they aren’t in her house for him to see and mess with. Maybe this relationship will blossom and they will be happy and secure. Great. If not, the money is protected.

I’d take some photos with his kids and hers and their child together. There’s no good way to take photos of all the grandkids together really, so either don’t do this at all or just accept that there may someday be photos of people who are no longer in the family. You can stand them at the sides of the group photo so you can photoshop them out, but that seems too aggressive somehow. Of course, you don’t know what the future holds for any of the marriages/relationships of your children, so any photos of your children and their spouses/significant others run the risk of not always being relevant and up to date. So maybe you just take the pictures of everyone who is in the family circle at any given time - I would downplay the word “biological” though - your kids and grandkids need to honor all kinds of families no matter how they are formed. “Bio” isn’t superior - just different. They’ll be in school with foster and adopted kids, so just keeping it as “family” might be better anyway. You also have kids who don’t - or won’t - give you grandchildren, so just focusing on the little ones can be ostracizing to the other adult kids. Just a thought.

You might also consider spending the money on things like an experience - a museum membership or a big weekend at the beach or the ski slope, whatever. Get a ton of candids and spend less money/time/thought on posed professional photos. You can get t-shirts for everyone if you want to - regardless of their status through marriage. All are equal, you know? You can create a nice scrapbook or photo journal for not all that much money on Shutterfly or similar sites, and then any one book is up-to-date on what the family was comprised of at that moment in time.

9

You sound like a very fair and good grandma! I understand his concern, but they are not married and they have separate finances. Also, you don’t even get to spend that much time with his bio kids so you don’t know them well. It’s nice he wants everyone to be equal though and I get that. BUT he can’t tell you how to spend your money…that is none of his business. From now on I suggest you don’t let him know what you are doing.

  1. He should talk to his parents and they can set up college savings accounts for the other two kids. If his parents already do this, do they have accounts set up for their non-bio grandkids also? You could just tell them you can’t afford to do this after all. Tell them from now on you need to save for your own retirement. Then do what you want with your money but don’t let him know.
  2. Get professional photos taken with everyone, then with the bio grandkids, then with the non-bio grandkids, then with one family, then the other, one with just the girls, one with just the boys…do a bunch of scenarios. They don’t know what you end up buying. Buy a photo of you with everyone to display in your home. Also buy a photo of you with only your bio-grandkids and don’t display that one. You have it if you want it one day.
10

Since they are not married there probably should not be discussion of college accounts anyway. That is your loving gift to your grandchildren and he and his children are still not related unless they marry.
As far as pictures go. Take many! take pictures of them perhaps separately in case they break up someday you still have pictures and can divide them if need be.
And it sounds like you are an awesome and caring grandparent.

11

I would treat them all the same at photo shoots. They are family now and that is what you are recording. Even if they do not stay in your life it will be a memory of those sweet girls. As far as college funds, it is your money and there is not a need to discuss it with anyone. I would do exactly what you are doing however. No need to discuss with your daughter’s current man, in fact I’m surprised that he knows about accounts to be upset about.

12

Who did he complain to? You? Your daughter and then she told you about it? I find it pretty odd that a man would complain about his girlfriend/fiance’s mother not contributing to his daughters’ college fund. Doesn’t sound like a great guy IMO. I don’t have much respect for people with feelings of entitlement or those who “keep score” in family dynamics, especially when they aren’t even technically family yet.
As far as photos go, I would probably do it with everyone. Even if your daughter ends up with another relationship that didn’t work out I don’t see how it matters. The photo reflects who is in your life NOW after all.

13

Stop wasting your time, money and resources on other people’s children who are not biologically your grandkids. Little toys and gifts are ok, so kids don’t feel excluded, but a college fund is crazy.

If you want to give to charity set up college accounts for orphans. These two kids have a family

Don’t let this guy guilt trip you.

Flip it and ask where is his college fund for your grandchild from another man?

What is his financial plan to support your daughter, her other kid, the baby, and his other 2 children?

This can also cause resentment for your real grandkids as they watch you wasting precious time and making one on one memories with them because you are dealing with someone else’s grandkids.

“I remember grandma was too busy when I…because she was always dealing with those other kids”

You think you are being so nice right? Everyone on here may see that on the surface,
You are actually being selfish to your own flesh and blood.

As for the family portrait just leave it only for your real grandkids. Don’t flaunt other people’s grandkids as your own. It’s tacky and weird. I bet you plan to put them on on social media and use them as props right? Look at me with all these kids…right? Are you planning to send these pictures to their real grandparents? This would be a big snub.

14

I don’t have this problem but if I did? This is how I would have handled it.

  1. The boyfriend coming to me complaining about my not taking care of HIS kids?? I would tell him to POUND SAND and ask him what HE is doing to take care of HIS kids? What are HIS parents doing for THEIR grandkids??

2.HOW is he going to provide for MY daughter and their children?

  1. When you are married and have been for a while? We’ll discuss it. But MY financial situation and how I spend MY money isn’t YOUR business.

  2. I would tell my daughter that she might want to reconsider having a person in her life who keeps score and tabs on what OTHERS are doing instead of taking care of themselves.

  3. I would tell him he has some chutzpah telling me that I need to treat HIS children like my own when he isn’t even married to my daughter. Shacking up? Great. Shack up all you like but the fact is? You are NOT my family until there is an official ceremony and then you’re family.

  4. If he can’t afford his children NOW? Maybe he shouldn’t have any more?? MAYBE?? While showing your daughter his selfishness and entitlement mentality? I would make it clear that MY money is MY money and how I spend it is NONE of his concern.
    With the pictures?

I would take group pictures. If these two end up breaking up? It doesn’t erase these other children from their lives. They will want the memories too. I would take “family” group pictures. then break it down. I would NOT exclude them in any way. Should this couple break up? The kids will still have a part of their lives right there. This part of their lives happened. You can’t erase it by removing the pictures. There will be good times and bad times in everyone’s life. Don’t pick and choose. Include them all in the pictures.

The father of these girls is a rat in my opinion. Sorry. But really? Keeping score and tabs of MY money and telling me how to take care of HIS kids? No. I do this because I CHOOSE to and it’s MY money.

15

the only issue i see here is the boyfriend calling you to the carpet for not providing college funds for his kids. what a nerve. i’m glad, at least, that your daughter is supportive. i’d like it even better if she had a discussion with him involving a rolling pin about never again dictating to her mother how she spends her money.

if they end up married, open the accounts if you have the spare funds and want to. do NOT feel bullied into it. you love those kids and they also have bio grandparents.

the professional photos can probably stretch to pics that include one on one with each grandchild. then there’s no problem with what happens in the future.

khairete
suz

16

I think what you are doing and how you are doing is absolutely correct!

Sorry but how dare he has the nerve to say something about the college fund!! They have their own mother and father to do that… just like their bio grandparents from his side and mothers side! Plus he is not married to your daughter yet and flapping his mouth!!! Counting the chickens before they hatch!! He has some balls! My answer would be no! They have their grandparents to do that. You have 6 of your own 6 kids and will be a lot of grandkids!

Ps absolutely fine on pictures as well. If things do not work out… you still have pictures of your grandkids. ( just being realistic)
——————————-
Tell him as soon as his parents set up accounts for your grandkids, you will do the same!

Tell your daughter to not discuss your presents with him and make sure she keeps everything separate with him… sounds like a leech ( a real man would never say anything of a sort!).

17

Do you like your (hopefully) future son-in-law? I think it’s totally inappropriate for him to be whining over the money. I completely agree with you that the time to open an account for them is once they are married. But what are they waiting for, anyway?

However, on the family portrait side of things, I think you should include the other girls. Regardless of what happens in the future, these girls are a part of your family in 2019. There is no need to be all persnickety about family purity. A photo is a snapshot of a moment in time, and this moment in 2019 includes these girls.

In my Xmas photos, I take pics of whomever happens to be there that year, which might include friends, foster kids, whatever, and sometimes not even my own kids, now that they are grown.

I think you should be kind and include the girls. Blood isn’t everything, as you obviously know.

As for RealityChick’s comment about flaunting these kids on social media and using them as props – that’s just silly. It’s about love, and loving these kids at this moment in time. They will feel bad if they are excluded. You obviously aren’t using them as “props.” Her comment about how your bio grandchildren will one day feel resentful that you were always wasting your time on other people’s grandkids is similarly flawed. Instead, that will teach your bio grandchildren to be kind and giving vs. self-centered. We had numerous people in and out of our home when my kids were young, and as a result they are easygoing and unselfish. I was so proud of them whenever they embraced helping someone else, instead of being petty about it. I’m going to guess RealityChick has not had a lot of experience mothering or mentoring other people’s children, and so she’s speaking from lack of experience.

18

Your daughter‘s fiancé has a heck of a lot of nerve bringing up the college account. I think this raises red flags.

You need to tell your daughter that you don’t like his audacity. He needs to back off. You do not owe him college money AT ALL. Those children’s education is the responsibility of him and his ex-wife. Just because he is marrying your daughter doesn’t mean that your daughter’s step-children are owed college educations from YOU.

You have no idea what the future holds in regards to your financial situation. You may not be able to finance all these college educations. You are doing your children a disservice by telling them you will pay the grandchildren’s’ college bills. If something happens and you can’t, they will have made financial decisions that will preclude them from helping their own kids.

You need to have a talk with all your kids and tell them that you are not a money tree. What you contribute is a favor. Not an expectation. And in regards to the fiancé, he isn’t even married to your daughter. He is not entitled to your daughter’s children’s’ money. And he had better get that through his head.

19

Wow! I would simply tell him that if you were there for their births then they would also have an account for them. and I would not set one up for them ever. Only because of his bad attitude about them not having something from his girlfriend’s parents.
Do the photo shoot however you want to and if he questions it tell him that he should put a ring on it and stop telling you how to spend your money and stop dictating how the pictures you are paying for are going… (I would think a detailed conversation with the photographer in advance would help this situation out, they can do the people picking and posing of the people. They can also edit things so all are in the pic taken but not in the final product.I asked my cousin about it because she is a pro and can and will do things like that )

20

You sound just like one of my friends. Her son married a woman with 2 children and she loves them to death. They had a baby (her first grandchild) and she set up a college fund for him. The other 2 have 2 sets of grandparents in additional to my friend and her husband. The other grandparents and their father all have the ability to set up college funds for the older boys.

In your case no you aren’t responsible for his children. You are being very kind and generous to them and he is overstepping by asking you to treat them as equals at this point. If he’s that pushy then maybe he should be pushing his parents, siblings, etc to step up.