I'm asking for advice concerning my 19 1/2 y.o. son. He is very serious about a girl (she's 1 1/2 years older) and believes she is "the one". This is is first serious relationship and they are both Christians. He has a more innocent background, and she on the other hand converted to Christ from a permiscuou background. She told him right after they met, that she had genital herpes (incurable STD). I would like to hear from anyone who has been married with this problem or any other advice. She (the girlfriend doesn't know that I know). This problem at the moment is not concerning him too much, he believes she's healed & even if not, she is God's will. He's done some research and so have I. The thought of life with a condom for that long sure wouldn't appeal to me....and the possibility of getting it is very possible. Thanks for any help/encouragement....
My 50 year old aunt has this, has been married for 16 years, and to my knowledge has not transferred it to her husband, even having two children by him. I believe she takes medication and her outbreaks have become less and less (years apart now) as the years have gone by.
Your son is so young, I hate to see young people so serious so early on, at 19 they really are not ready for a marital type of relationship no matter how mature they think they are. People change so much between the ages of 20 and 30. I would suggest having your son talk to his pastor as well as your family doctor about this so that he has a good amount of knowledge to base any decision he makes on.
I know a married couple living with this, and they don't take medicine and haven't had an outbreak in a few years now. It sounds to me like a miserable existence, which is why I asked such personal questions of them; but they're okay. According to what I've read, anyone can have it for years, not knowing the source, and it can just come up during an illness or other source of physical stress. We could all have it and be passing it back and forth and never know until it shows up. My doctor told me that they can't even test for it unless you have an outbreak, a source from which to sample; so if it's dormant, they just can't tell. Please, also, keep in mind that it doesn't take promiscuity to transfer it, so don't judge her based on that. All it takes is one partner one time, and that one time doesn't have to be "complete".
I, too, think that they should be counseled by their pastor(s) as they move forward in this "serious" relationship. Marriage is difficult for older couples who have life experience and know who they are and what they want. On the other hand, when I met my husband, I knew that our paths were divinely crossed and that we were meant to be married to each other. Sometimes God presents it in just that way.
I wish the best to all of you.
I have a friend who contacted this from her husband (he did not know he had it) when she was 19. She is now 51. She and 1st husband divorced and has remarried, 25 years ago She has had 4 children via c-section. She opted for c-section b/c of the increased chance of passing it to the child thru vaginal delivery. Her current husband (of 25 years) has not gotten this from her. They were counseled by a dr. specializing in this and their pastor. They obviously do not use condoms since they have 4 children. She has not had an outreak in many many years. It is a calculated risk that should be considered thoroughly. Good luck.
I have a testimony of the healing power of Christ but herpes is manageable, not generally healable. I have a family member who got that same thing. She had always been in serious relationships but one time the "world" got to her and she got careless. She had to tell her husbandto be and he took it very well. I personally don't know if I could be that accepting, but that is nothing to take lightly and may really be a sign of his committment to her. He may end up contracting it or else how could they conceive. I think it needs to be up to him as long as he is educated. Just make sure to encourage him to wait until they are married. He is really young and may want to lighten it up a bit anyway.
Dear Lynn
I understand your fears.
But love will conquer all. Just pray and hand it over to the Lord. Sometimes genital herpes attacks only once...and then never again. At least she is not HIV positive which would be a bigger problem. Your son does not have to rely on condoms - only when the illness is active and it may never be again!
Herpes is quite a prevalent STD amongst the youth of today so it seems it is no longer an unusual event.
Put it right out of your mind and just enjoy the fact that your son has chosen a Christian, born-again young woman to share the rest of his life with....that alone removes all the negatives out of the equation.
Congratulations on the upcoming marriage!
Just enjoy your son and be a friend to his wife....that's all that is required of you - love conquers all!
Good luck and kind regards
Jewel
To Heather - It's not true that a doctor can't test for it only when there is an outbreak. In fact, you can be tested at any time but it must be through a blood test.
To Lynn - your heart is in the right place. It's good to be involved in your son's life. At this point I would think the fact that he wants to get married would have a bigger impact (if it's the wrong choice) over her health condition. I personally live with this strain of the virus; I don't know when I got it or how long I had it before I was diagnosed. To tell you the truth I wouldn't know what an outbreak was like or if I've ever had one. I only know I have it because I was tested via blood test. My husband and I initially talked about it and made it a conscious choice not to use a condom. And we haven't thought about it much since. So, I guess I'm just trying to convey that it hasn't been a big deal in our lives, from my point of view. Good Luck!
I have lived with genital herpes for many years. I got it from my husband, of whom I am no longer married to, from a sore on his mouth. It is a good thing that she told him about it. I do commend her for that. They may do it without a condom if they want kids, but it all depends on the timing. Like how often does she have an attack. Mine is maybe a few times a year. I keep the area clean and dry with powder and my attacks are not severe any more. I have taken pills before from the Dr once and never again. Like a cold it lasts for a week or so. Mine last about 3 days now. I just met a man and I told him about it and he is ok with it. I lived with a man for over 4 years and he never got it and he has been checked. We never used condoms and I always knew when an attack was comming on and I would never let him get near the area. Very cautious in that respect. My husband that gave it to me never got it on his genital area and we didn't use condoms either. Don't let a disease cloud your judgement of the person. If she didn't have it would you feel the same about her or is it some thing else that may be bothering you. It is your son's decision and if it doesn't matter to him then let it go and don't mention it. It is embarrassing enough to tell the one you love that some thing is wrong and there is nothing as of yet that can be done to change it. The man I just met is making me a mixture of herbs to take as a tea and wants me to take burdock root to help. He is a shaman. I will try it and see if it works. Stress can bring it on and I do have a stressfull job. As I said it is rare and not as bad as when I first contracted it.
I commend the young woman for her honesty. Obviously she cares for your son or she would not have revealed it and it also speaks of her character for her honesty. Genital herpes CAN be transmitted even when there is not an outbreak....proven research!I contracted it from my husband of 26 years. Their situation is manageable and should remain between the two of them. You say your son has done some research, well then let them handle it.You can advise him to continue researching and stay up with it, because new information is being made available all the time. I know you love him and it sounds like you have raised a fine young man. He doesn't run when he is faced with a potential situation. The two of them have the beginnings of a stable relationship by setting the ground rules of honesty and trust. If it is meant to be than it will be. Trust God that if HE brings you to it, HE will bring you through it!
Sometimes we all make bad choices. She is one of these people. She is human. Jesus loves a sinner. Life with condoms doesn't sound appealing, but spending the rest of your life with someone you love is appealing. Herpes is only contagious during a break out. So, if precautions are taken they'll be fine. They can have children but no vaginal births. No reason they can't be a normal healthy happy family. Don't be too judgemental, Jesus wouldn't like that. Do not cast stones!!!
Lynn this is a very serios relationship for your son and he doesnt know the risk that hes taking.I feel hurt for you as a mother knowing how we love our kids so much and we dont want anything to happen to them.Have you explain to him that if shes not the one for him later on in life and if he catch the std what is he going to do.Let him know that no woman wants a man with an std especially one that you cant cure.Get him some graphic pictures of the diease and ask him is this how you want to live your life with blisters and sores on your private body part.Let him know that he will have to wear a condom everytime he has sex with her and they are not 100% safe.Good luck with the situation and I will be praying for you.Brenda F.
Well as a sufferer myself and my spouse of 20 yrs is clean. There are meds that she can take to prevent an outbreak and protect her spouse. 1 daily 500mg. Valtrex has been proven to protect a partner. You don't have to be a promiscous person to ger GH. Just 1 partner can give it to you as what happened to me.
I'd like to address the seriousness of the relationship at sucha young age because several others on here have. I don't know much about any STD's so I can't give advice there.
I'm usually one of the first to roll my eyes and think "yeah right!" when I hear someone so young say they are in love and going to get married. I don't know why I find it so unbelievable when I got married when I was only 22. I KNEW I was with the man I would marry when I was just 16 and so did he. (I'd known him since I was 5 and actually prayed to marry him when I was about 6 or 7.) We dated for 6 years before we got married. My husband (boyfriend at the time) wanted to finish college and get a job first.
All that to say teenagers are awfully young to talk about marriage but it is possible to fall in love and enter into a good and solid relationship. I would not suggest MARRIAGE at that age but I try really hard not to say that they are too young to know what love is.
In saying that: if it's the real deal then they can work through this and overcome it. It is a serious situation but it's not the end of the world.
My friend has that std. And she takes very good care to try from giving it to anyone else. She lets the person know before she even thinks about getting "in bed" with them.
I think the girlfriend did a good thing with telling him about the std. It showed that she cared for him. If he truely believes that she is the one for him and he can live with using a condom for the rest of their life together then you should let him. In all truth she will never be healed from the std, but she may just not have an out break right now. If he is wanting to spend the rest of his life with her, ask him to go to Plan Parent Hood, they have an endless supply of information about std's and the possibility of spreading it to a baby if she ever gets preganant. Then allow him to make the decision.
I know this may not have been what you wanted to hear but I see it through my friend how hard it is to 1 find love, 2 acceptance, 3 commentment.
Good luck and the best of wishes to all
Well first off let me say you have a wonderful son!!!b/c it takes a strong person to be able to deal with someone with any type of condition.. Thats like starting a relationship with strings attached.but if your son has left it in god's hands why shouldn't you!!!being a mother myself i would really talk to him and make him make me understand that he knows the hardships and trials that they may go through but once that is all said and done it is really his decision...
God bless
std's are no laughing matter, they are serious, but in the scope of things, herpes is not lifethreatening. every case is defferent, but if your son were to contract the disease, the first outbreak is painful, and then the symptoms get les and less. and there are medicines to help. the biggest concern is if the girlfriend (or wife) has an outbreak during labor. that is an automatic c-section, because the risks of passing herpes to a newborn ARE life-threatening. there will be bloodwork done in the hospital, and if she is unnaffected at the time, she can have the baby naturally, but if not, then the c-section. just make sure they have great healthcare.
You sound very judgemental to me. What does your religion or the girlfriend's religion have to do with this situation? Even Christians sleep around. This sounds like none of your business.
Hi Lynn!
Well I also have many friends who have this problem. I was actually surprised to realize how common it is these days. I am in agreement with many on the board that if they do choose to marry, they can work together to prevent spreading the disease and have a great intimate life. Through medication and barrier methods I think it is a very manageable problem. I do think that it is ok that you are helping your son through this now but if he does actually purpose to her then you probably should lay low about it after that because she will be his future wife. As far as their age being and issue, they are very young but I also know several couples who married young and are very happy. I have some friends who are youth pastors and married at 17 and 18. Now they are about 20 and 21 with kids and doing just great, they have an awesome ministry together. My pastor's kids married at 18 and will both be graduating college this summer, so life isn't over if they do marry young. I didn't marry until I was 30 and that can be challenging too I mean I was all stuck in my ways and had to be set straight a few times! I wish you guys all the best!
I haven't been there, but someone I know very well has.
First things first, I believe God can do all things, but that doesn't get us out of making responsible decisions. If your son believes she's healed, that doesn't mean neither of them are responsible for protecting themselves (or him, I guess). There are medications out there for her that can help, and he should be using a condom at all times. No, there's not a foolproof way to avoid getting it, but if they use multiple kinds of protection (medication, condoms, avoiding sex when an outbreak is coming), his chances get better and better.
You mention that you wouldn't find a lifetime of sex with a condom appealing, but if they love each other the way you say they do, it's a small price to pay for getting to be with her.
Press them to be careful and responsible, but I think that's about all you can (or should) do. Most people come into a relationship with some baggage. Hers just happens to be more apparent.
If they get married she can get on Valtrex which will greatly reduce the odds of her spreading herpes to your son. This is actually a common scenario and millions of couples around the world live with it. It's unfortunate but the way it is for many.
Have you suggested pre-marriage counseling? I strongly advise it. I refused to pay for my daughter's wedding until they had completed a pastoral pre-marriage counseling course and I am so glad they did it! I think you might benefit also from pastoral counseling. It can really really help. You never know what will happen in the future, if they go to counseling and decide to get married they may be very happy, and isn't that what you want the most for your child? Best wishes!