He sounds like a perfectionist. There's six in our family (2 parents, 4 kids) and three of those are complete perfectionists. If they can't do something - anything! - absolutely flawlessly, they either become extremely upset or simply refuse to try at all. It sounds like your son is not measuring up to the impossible standards he's set for himself. (My oldest daughter was like that at his age.) Unfortunately, perfectionism is very common in very intelligent children. He knows that he's smarter than most kids, so he feels that he always has to be "better" than anyone else. Any time he sees that he's not perfect - he gets an answer wrong, gets into trouble, has to be reminded of a chore, is late - he will feel as if he's totally worthless. It will take A LOT of work on your part, and the part of his teachers and other adults in his life, to get him to see that perfection is impossible, and he shouldn't expect it. You might want to ask his school counselor or another counselor to help you. Point out the mistakes that amazing, intelligent people have made (the old "Einstein failed math" stories) so that he can see that mistakes do not cancel out accomplishments. Remind him that he is loved and valuable with flaws, because no one is perfect.
Its sound like emotinal and fisical disposition.
When my boy start to be emotinal I give him B stess vit,
and protein shake twice a day. My son is 8 years old.
He does see a therapist to help with his emotions.
My therapist #602-908-6971
And my hoistic doctor is 602 -246-4635
If you concider any of the above please call me
at 602-695-6387 Annett
If you haven't already, you may want to see your pediatrician and have him talk with a therapist who specializes in children. There may even be a school counselor or social worker that could talk to your child and refer you as needed. His reactions sound pretty serious and this could be something purely chemical, purely emotional or a combination of both. Some kids who are very bright are also very sensitive but this seems to go beyond that and into an area where a specialist is needed. Good luck.
Hi Lena,
I agree with some of the other moms who have encouraged you to seek an evaluation to determine what's going on. I've worked with children for 25 years, in a number of different settings, including educational, therapeutic, etc. The behaviors you mentioned do concern me, particularly the frequent crying, statements that he wants to die, and attempts to hurt himself. I would suggest talking to your pediatrician ASAP. It's possible that he has depression, ADD, or something else could be going on that he hasn't told you. It's hard to know, and the best thing would be for a professional to assess him. The good thing is, there are tons of agencies and professionals in the Phoenix area who work with children, and many of them are affordable. Best of luck! Keep us posted, ok?
Thanks!
Jennifer
Hi Lena,
I'm so sorry for both you and your son. My son is now 30 and used to demonstrate some of the same behavior at school and at home. He's fine now! It sounds like he's terribly stressed (not from you) and anxious. Sometimes kids who do well in school still feel great pressure about doing well or fitting in with others. Constitutionally, some people have their volume dial up, reacting overly to what seem small things to others. He feels bad about himself, obviously. Have you taken him to a child psychiatrist? That's what we did, and it helped enormously. By the way, I'm a teacher educator for elementary teachers and see these little fragile ones often. He mostly just needs acceptance, as you know, but that's hard to find for him. E
Was there any difficult event that happened any time recently? Has someone told him he is a bad kid?
If not, I might be concerned that he may be experiencing some real mental health issues. You may want to speak to your pediatrician about it. It is possible for children to start experiencing depression (purely physiological) or other mental health issues at a young age, so you may want to rule it out. It also may be worth looking into some play therapy for him - therapists work with children through the use of free play to see if they start to act out themes and to begin discussing issues that are troubling them, which is very helpful with young children.
You must really be having a hard time - hang in there, and good luck. He will be fine, as long as his loving parents are on the case!
Hi,
My heart went out to you and your son when I read your problem. I am a grandma and the mother of 4 grown children. I thought I would share my first reaction which may or may not be helpful so take it for what it is worth. First, I think you need to teach your son a better way to deal with his disappointments with his own behavior. He needs to see that you make mistakes and it is OK. Teach him the difference between things that are everyday mistakes and part of learning and growing and things that are serious mistakes and require serious reflection. Second, is there any chance that he has been the victim of sexual abuse? Sorry, I had to ask. Third, make sure that he is not getting too much sugar and check his diet. If he is reactive to sugar, that can make him have mood swings. I would track his episodes and see if it is mid morning or right before lunch, etc. Fourth, I am sure you have already asked him "why" but I would keep asking him to reflect on things he can do to feel more in control of himself and his emotions.
We had a very similar situation with our son when he was 8 and in the 2nd grade. We tackled the problem from several fronts: classroom environment, medical/allergy problems, redirection and some extra special time with mom and dad.
Even though we liked his teacher, we learned she was a terrible teacher for our son by regularly dropping in to observe unannounced. Because he didn't fit her teaching style, her body language and tone made him feel awful about himself. In retrospect, we should've switched classes, but at the time we were committed to him learning to get along with all types of people. It was a good lesson to us as parents that just because we like someone, doesn't mean our son will.
From a medical/allergy front, his teacher insisted Christopher was ADHD, which we disagreed with, but out of respect, we had him evaluated by his physician. The doctor laughed hysterically when we explained the situation. He was not ADHD. We also had him tested for allergies. Imagine our surprise to learn that 50% of what we were feeding our son was stuff to which he was allergic! Major diet changes, none of them easy, made a huge difference.
For redirection, whenever Christopher had these drama-fests, we'd remove him to a quiet spot, sit down with him and ask him to tell us what the "real" issue was. Most of the time that was hard to hear: you boss me around, you were rude, you let William (big bro) get away with everything, you don't pay attention to me, you name it. We would listen as respectfully as we could (and there were times when that made us candidates for sainthood) and worked with him on better ways to handle this, instead of tears, head pounding, etc. For me, this was the hardest part. It required patience and consistency and, after a long day of teaching high schoolers, I didn't have much of either. Once Christopher truly believed he'd be heard if he talked about his issues, rather than crying or hurting himself, it started to stop.
Last but not least, my husband and I made a point every evening to spend extra special time with Christopher. We called it "cuddle party." One of us would hold Christopher close to our hearts and whisper in his ear how wonderful we thought we was, all the great things he did that day, how special he was to us, how we knew he was a good kid. Slowly but surely, we were able to restore his confidence in himself.
I don't know if this will help at all, but it's what worked for us. Christopher is now 10 and all but past the drama-fests. We notice them more when he's tired or hungry, both of which are easy to fix. He still has periods of self-doubt, but usually in conjunction with the guilt of a bad choice.
Good luck!
Hi I am a mother of five and a grandmother of three... I work at a childcare center that deals with kids that have problems with social/emotional development... we are the daycare that doesn't "kick out" any problem child...Your son sounds like a very emotional child, but it is probably better that he cries and takes out his emotions on himself rather than on others, as I have seen many children who are rather aggressive toward others. Please do not take his behavior lightly. At this young age, it would probably be very benificial to seek out professional help. There are probably programs through his school that are available, but so many times parents are afraid of seeking help from mental health professionals. Look for an agency that does Play Therapy to find out what has made your child blame himself for his short-falls. I was blessed by children and a family stucture that I always believed that love was all that was needed, but in today's society and with all the poisons in our environment there are many things that can cause our children to have extreme behavior problems. Don't blame yourself or your co-parent. The thing that I have found that works is working on these things one day, one problem at a time. Your child's teachers can only do so much; you need to seek professional help, and your child is young enough to not feel any stigmatism to it that you might feel. Somewhere he has been told that he is bad, but that can be turned around if he is told daily about his positive traits. Good Luck and My Prayers will be with you...MOM
Hi Lena,
I'm going to give you the same response I gave Rachel P below. However, I would also recommend going to a Naturopath and getting his hormone levels checked. If you go to a regular doc, you will only get a "pass/fail" on the hormones. You need to know the actual levels and have a naturopath interpret them for you.
Here is the response I gave Rachel P...
Behavior is two-fold: psychological and physiological. Improving his diet will help physiologically; but you also need to deal with the psychological part. A psychologist will typically deal with issues that the child and/or parent are "aware" of. However, a lot of behavior is stemmed from subconscious thoughts that we are often not even aware of. It is these subconscious thoughts that are so difficult to change.
I recommend going to "Brimhall Wellness Center" and asking for "Michael Sanders". Michael can work with the inner-most thoughts your son has (whether he recognizes them or not) and help make changes at the subconscious level. You can also try doing some energy work (like Reiki) or hypnotherapy. I have some great resources on my web site (www.healthyhabitswellnesscenter.com).
He might be clinically depressed. Take him to your pediatrician and ask for a referral to a child psychiatrist.
As a mom who went thru a childhood with the condition myself, I would say you should have him checked out by a child psychologist to see if he may be bi-polar(manic-depressive is another name!).You say he's depressed or sounds that way with his crying jags, suicidal even if only briefly,very intelligent and also SUPER energetic,these all are symptoms of bi-polar disorder.It CAN be treated very successfully and is more well-understood than when I was a child growing up with it.My parents said I was "sensitive" and "the squeaky wheel" because of my behavior as a child.I went thru school in the gifted program in our area until I started really manifesting symptoms as a young teenager.Bi-polar disorder manifests at many different ages & has MANY levels of affliction from very mild to severe so an evaluation is VERY IMPORTANT!A professional opinion can be very helpful along with access to medications,if &/or when they become needed(many who suffer from bi-polar disorder CANNOT function "normally" without a medicine regimen.If you'd like I can recommend a very excellent Child Psychologist with the Tempe School District who diagnosed my son,now 8,with autism at 2yrs 9mo.& it has been the BEST meeting we ever have gone to!If it's not too far from you locally I would definitely say you should try to get a meeting with this man-he's amazing!!!Just send me a message and let me know if you'd like some contact info-we were originally referred to him but NOT by our doctor so I'm not sure how he will want to set you up to have an eval done,or even if he might refer you out-but anyone he can refer you to I would take the recommendation very highly!Any other moms with questions about this doctor feel free to message me and ask!I know a lot about autism as a Parent-Advocate for my son,and would like to have more contact with other moms with autistic children in the same range as my child;he is considered "mild to moderately autistic" and "high-functioning".Please contact me and I hope I can help someone if at all able! :)
This sounds soooo much like my daughter! She is smart, but cries several times a day. If the teacher says “turn around in your seat” she thinks the teacher is mad and yelled at her! She usually has these outbursts at night where she can’t stop crying, usually something minor (to anybody else) and then says she can’t tell me because it is “stupid” or if she tells me “she’ll be a bad person”. She is a bit bossy, but then at school is scared of all the kids. Anyway, the crying and being hard on herself sound a lot alike…the difference is, I am divorced from her father, working 2 jobs and she does not get a lot of social activity outside of school (and school seems to be full of anxiety!)…so, not sure if we are dealing with a phase or not. I will read some of the responses to your post and maybe I’ll find something helpful…besides the fact that I need a wonderful husband, hardworking, so I can stay home, give her lots of emotional support and homeschool!! lol
And it was just a phase… thank goodness!